Chapter 3

Tears rolled down my face and stopped me from answering his question. One look at me was enough to answer all his questions. So he just turned me around and pulled me into his strong, solid arms. His touch alone was enough to break my walls. I could never pretend around him that I was strong. He always managed to scoop out my soft side.

So I just turned my face onto his chest and let the tears fall while he rubbed my back. After a few moments, he lifted my face so I had to look at him. "Vivi, it's been 7 years. You need to find help. You need to talk to someone. You can't live in the past, it's not healthy and your dad wouldn't want that for you. He would want you to live a happy life, not a life full of questions and demons and you know it."

His words were like a punch in the gut. Of course, I knew he was right, but who did he think he was, for coming back after all this time and act like he still knew me? So I stepped away from him, anger building up inside me.

"How dare you? After four years, you come back and you act like you know everything. Like you still know me! You don't know how it is to wake up every morning covered in sweat from dreaming about the one thing you want to forget the most! You don't know what it's like to blame yourself for not preventing one thing that turned your life upside down! You don't know the pain when I look in the mirror and see my face, my eyes- his eyes- staring back at me! You don't know and I hope you never find out, because this pain prevents me from loving anyone, including myself. I can't be proud of myself for accomplishing things in my life. I can't be proud of my body. I can't love another person. Not when I am the one to blame for his death, not when I get to have another day and he does not. I should be dead, not him!"

Tears once again rolled down my face uncontrollably. But when I looked into his eyes I didn't see pity or disgust. I saw anger.

"Violet McCathy, don't you dare say those words again! Not to me, not to anyone else! He made his choice! As painful as it is, those are the facts! He made his choice, he committed suicide. You have every right to be alive, you deserve to be happy and don't forget I knew him, so I know he would want you to be happy. You must allow yourself to see the truth, even if it is after all these years. You need to realize there was nothing you could do! And I know he is proud of you even if he isn't by your side every day. I know he looks after you and that he is happy only if you are."

I looked at him with disbelief. How could he say those things? I could have saved him, I was just around the corner from our house. I could realize where he was and I could talk to him and prevent all those things from happening. I could help, but I didn't. It was my fault. All of it.

When he saw his words didn't make any difference, he stepped closer and put his hand behind my neck. He lifted my head and then his lips found mine in a kiss so sweet I could barely stand upright.

His lips matched mine perfectly and in no time I started kissing him back. His tongue pushed lightly to part my lips and I obeyed happily. His touch spread tingled all across my body and his lips on mine just intensified the feeling. I wound my hands around his neck and used them to bring myself closer to him. At that moment, nothing else existed, only us. And for the first time in years I didn't think about guilt, about pain. I could only think about the fact that Andy was kissing me. And then it hit me. He was kissing me. That shouldn't happen. I can't love anymore. I don't deserve to feel love and be happy again. I released my grip around his neck and took a few steps away from him.

"Why did you kiss me? You shouldn't have done that!"

His eyes grew bigger when he realized that I was rejecting him.

"I have wanted to kiss you since the day I met you. But you never saw me like that. For you, I was always just a best friend. I thought now that we have grown up maybe things have changed and I can tell from the way you kissed me back things have changed."

Now was my turn to look at him with disbelief. Was he crazy or was he blind? Maybe both? Anger was starting to build inside once again.

Why didn't he ever say something? Why after all this time?

"You idiot! I loved you at some point! I was always waiting and hoping you would realize what or who was standing right in front of you every day! I even waited for you when you left for Europe, but then you stopped talking to me and I gave up on you. I gave up on us! So don't you dare put the blame on me! For fuck's sake, I LOVED YOU and you gave yourself to every girl that crossed your way, and I was just your plain best friend. Always!"

"You were never plain, and all those girls meant nothing to me, they were just distractions from one girl I thought I couldn't have. You! Come on Vivi, I am sure you saw the way I was always looking at you and acting around you. I loved you too, I still do. That's why I came back. I tried to get over you, but I couldn't. Vivi, give me a chance to show you how special you are. Give me a chance to show you how much I love you. Give us a chance. Please?"

Once again, I felt stinging in my eyes. So I did the one thing that had to be done, even if it was the biggest lie I ever said. "I don't love you anymore, I don't want you. And even if I did, this thing between us," I waved with my hand between us, "It will never happen. I can't love you. I just can't. The risk of losing you is something I am not willing to take." With those words I turned around and got in my car. Once inside, I locked the doors and turned my face to look at him once more. The pain I saw in his eyes made my heart break a little and my eyes started to fill with tears. Before I could regret what needed to be said and done, I drove away and forced myself not to turn around. I looked straight ahead when I once again let my heart shatter to pieces and drove away from the only man I ever loved.