He felt overwhelmed

Sun He and Gu Liwei chose the upstairs apartment. While both units were similar in structure, Sun He fell in love with the balcony from which he could see the distinct silhouette of the S River. Sun He could see himself and Gu Liwei cuddling on the balcony, watching as their surrounding greenery slowly changed colors. He could also see them witnessing the beautiful nature as the world turned white, cozily sitting next to each other with a warm beverage to warm their hands and chilly bodies.

Gu Liwei had watched as Sun He went from room to room, talking animatedly about what colors to paint each room, which rooms would be their private studios, which walls will hold their pictures and what color their furniture will be. A light smile danced on his lips and his hands felt itchy. He grabbed the lively man in front of him, shocking the latter with his action. Their lips entangled and a content sigh escaped them both.

"Are you happy?" Gu Liwei asked while gently caressing Sun He's face.

"Yes, I am. Did you pay for it yet?" Sun He smiled at the sound of the strong heartbeat beneath his head and his eyes fell on the beautiful scenery outside the balcony. The woodsy scent of spring traveled to his nose. Sun He looked up in the eyes of his lover and his arms tightened around Gu Liwei's waist.

"No, not yet." Gu Liwei answered. "I wanted to wait for you to choose one first, however the process will not take long. We can probably move in at the end of June or beginning of July. The apartment should be both renovated and furnished by then."

"I want to help shoulder the costs." Sun He said. "After all, it'll be both of our home."

Gu Liwei hummed in acquiescence before laying a kiss on one of Sun He's eyes. Sun He's eyes were sparkling and the smile on his face was almost blinding. Gu Liwei could feel his desire reviving. His eyes fell on the sole sofa in the middle of the living room and his eyes darkened. He pulled Sun He towards the door, trying to control his dangerous thoughts.

"What about the third key?" Sun He questioned.

Gu Liwei chuckled. "It's a little bit of a drive"

Sun He accompanied Gu Liwei to an office building a few minutes away from the heart of City S. His hands trembled, fearful of the premonition in his heart. They stopped on the eighth floor in front of an office door and Gu Liwei gave the key to Sun He, silently asking him to open the door. Sun He stared at Gu Liwei for the longest time with his lips pursed.

"I..." Sun He stopped abruptly and frowned at the roughness of his voice. He moistened his lips with his tongue and swallowed harshly. His eyes traveled from Gu Liwei's smiling face to the door and front of him and he suddenly was not sure what he wanted to say.

He unlocked the door unsteadily. The brightness of the white walls was softened by the dark sparkly grey floors. From the doorway, Sun He could see three offices surrounding a lobby area. There was a long white single curve reception desk near the door. Opposite the desk, three light grey sofas were cleverly placed around a dark table. Floor-to-ceiling windows surrounded the areas across from the offices. Sun He guessed the windows used smart glass, as some of them were transparent letting in the soft light of the setting sun; some were translucent, reducing the amount of natural light, while the rest were opaque.

Sun He stopped in the middle of the big room and breathed in roughly. His eyes wandered around before they fell on the twinkling grey floors underneath his feet. His hands clenched and he did not dare to turn back to look at Gu Liwei. Sun He was scared that his next words would create a rift in their relationship. He hesitated to speak, wondering if he should keep his thoughts to himself. The second that thought entered his head, Sun He paled. The moment he started loving himself again, he had promised himself that he would never let himself feel wronged. Gu Liwei also did not deserve it. He had always encouraged Sun He to speak his thoughts.

Sun He looked at his surroundings and he swallowed harshly. He felt that he was receiving too much. Throughout their relationship, Gu Liwei was always thinking of Sun He. He considered everything. He took into consideration every single one of Sun He's needs. His past needs, his present needs, his future needs, needs that Sun He himself did not know that he had. For the first time, Sun He felt overwhelmed.

"Gu Liwei... if you always give me so much, did you never think that I would feel inadequate? Or feel too embarrassed to mention anything for fear that the next day what I wanted to obtain with my own hands would be brought right to me by you?"

Gu Liwei's eyes widened and his eyes fell on Sun He's clenched hands. He felt distressed as he watched his lover's nails digging in his hands. Gu Liwei frowned thinking about Sun He's words. Sun He had misunderstood him. But…

"Is it wrong of me to want to give you the best?" Gu Liwei wondered stopping two steps away from Sun He. A distance that would not overwhelm him, but also one which would not let him deny his existence.

"Is it wrong for me to give you the moon and the sun when you ask for a star?"

Sun He trembled slightly, his heart full. The lump in his throat made him uncomfortable.

"Sun He, I would never want to see my lover struggle. If I can do something to relieve the burden on your shoulders, I would do it without hesitation."

Sun He turned around and stared at Gu Liwei's shoes. He watched as the shadows around them slowly separated the both of them. He was in the darkness while Gu Liwei was still in the light.

"I would do the same." He started. "But, I don't want to lose myself. It took me quite a long time before I started loving myself again, so I do not want to lose this love. I want to feel like I can stand on my own. I want to be able to rely on myself to realize my dreams."

Gu Liwei stepped towards Sun He and lifted his chin. He wiped the tears at the corner of Sun He's eyes and bent his knees slightly so that their foreheads will meet.

"Sun He, I am not trying to take away your sense of self. You want to rely on yourself. That is fine. However, you are not alone. You have your mom, your sister, your friends, my parents and me. You can count on any of us. At any time. This office is not just my gift. We all contributed to buying it. This is just a simple way of us telling you that we support you. That we believe in you. We will always be here to help you whenever you need help. We never meant to make you feel overwhelmed. Baobei, we just want to accompany you on your journey to realize your dream."

Sun He smiled as he felt the soft glow of the sun illuminating his corner. His tears were unstoppable and he let out a relieved sigh as he threw his arms around his lover's body. His arms tightened around Gu Liwei's waist feeling the strength hidden behind his casual clothes, reveling on the warmth of his body against his. He was so scared of losing himself that he forgot he was not alone and that there would be no him without all of them.

...…

The day Sun He met Gu Liwei's friends, it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Their meeting had been delayed due to their conflicting schedules; however, they had finally found a day that worked for everybody. Gu Liwei had picked him up from his apartment and had briefly explained to him which friends of his he was going to meet. There was Gu Liwei's college roommate and now his business partner, Wu Peizhi, the friend that sold Gu Liwei and him their apartment, Wei Changming and a friend that Gu Liwei met abroad Ye Dingxiang.

According to Gu Liwei, Ye Dingxiang and Wu Peizhi were both married. Wu Peizhi and his wife were childhood sweethearts and they were expecting their second child this year. Wu Peizhi and Gu Liwei met in college and have been friends from the first day they met. They had shared a college dorm for two years before they moved out off campus together until they graduated. Ye Dingxiang was one of Gu Liwei's first clients. His family owned a small clothing company. Gu Liwei had introduced his now-wife to him four years ago, and he was Ye Dingxiang's best man when he got married last year.

Wei Changming was not in a relationship and was six years younger than Gu Liwei and the one that Gu Liwei had known the longest. Wei Changming was currently in his last year of graduate school. Gu Liwei used to tutor him while he, Gu Liwei, was in high school and they had kept contact over the years and became friends. While Gu Liwei had other friends, the three which Sun He would be introduced to were his best friends.

Gu Liwei and Sun He had met with Gu Liwei's friends at a niche restaurant downtown of City S. Gu Liwei's friends were very welcoming. Sun He had been very nervous at first, however, their relaxed attitude had made him calmed down. Sun He and Wei Changming got along splendidly. They were only three years apart and Sun He had found out that Wei Changming went to the same high school and college as him. Ye Dingxiang had reminded Sun He of Cao Zhiqiang. He was quiet and attentive and whenever he opened his mouth, he would get to the crucial point of the story. Wu Peizhi, on the other hand, was more like Gu Liwei in temperament. However, the moment he had started talking about his wife and his three year old daughter, he had been very animated. He had pulled Sun He to sit next to him and had showed him various pictures of his daughter. The night had ended well, they all had exchanged contact information, and Sun He had made an appointment with Wei Changming to play games.

"They all liked you." Gu Liwei had whispered to him when they were in bed that night.

Sun He had been happy to hear that. He had cuddled closer to Gu Liwei thinking to himself that he had met everyone important to Gu Liwei. Sun He had woken up in the middle of the night. He had stared at Gu Liwei's sleeping figure for the longest time. He had met Gu Liwei at the end of July last year. They had talked almost every day since the first day they met. By the end of the second week in August, they had officially started dating. They had been through a lot together. They had argued, laughed and cried. Sun He had started therapy and started to rediscover the things he liked about himself. He had slowly made peace with his past. He had learned to forgive himself. He had learned to love himself.

The process was both frustrating and painful, however Gu Liwei had accompanied him every step of the way. Gu Liwei had been his constant support. He had been his strength when he felt weak. He had been his guide when he felt lost. With his help, Sun He had strengthened his bonds with the people around him. Sun He had finally felt how loved and cherished he was by the ones he called his family. On the morning of May 15, exactly forty-two weeks after Sun He had met Gu Liwei, Sun He had an epiphany while staring at the moonlit figure of his lover. Forever really was not that scary.