4 Chapter 4

─── ･ ｡ﾟ*☆ .☽. ☆ﾟ*｡ﾟ･ ─── Luna 

Squinting at the sunshine pouring straight onto my face, I open my eyes. Startled, I get up facing an entire wall window where distant city blocks can be seen.

I find myself sitting on a spacious couch in a vast, open-space apartment.

The space around me exudes a strikingly modern and masculine aesthetic—shades of grey, black, and brown dominate, creating an elegant and stylish ambiance. It is completely foreign and yet somewhat familiar.... Obviously, I'm back in Timeless, but... Where am I? What happened to Jodi and Tandru?

Disoriented, I look around and I instinctively check out my clothes. Relief washes over me; I still have the same clothes on.

Uneasy, my heart pounds as I search for a clue as to who might have taken me to his house and where the door is.

The entire space is bare and styled like a seven star hotel, nothing to give away who might be living in here.

Waking up in a strange place has never happened to me before, and that's always been a worry of mine: what if I fall asleep somewhere where no one is with me, or something happens that I'll never know about, or someone takes advantage of me while unconscious?

I notice the door and quickly head for it, ready to at least check if I can open it and flee if necessary. The entrance is a short but wide space with a grey modern inlays dresser as tall as the wall on one side and another halfway up the opposite wall.

This is where I freeze in place—a huge, brightly colored painting of Tandru and me hangs on the wall.

My heart settles back into its place. I'm in his apartment near the university. How silly of me! And this picture is the one taken two weeks before... before everything went wrong between us.

"You're awake!" His relieved voice comes from somewhere behind me. But I don't turn around. I can't. My eyes are glued to our happy faces in the picture, seemingly from another era. "It's my favorite too," Tandru adds, coming to stand right behind me. He knows I have it as wallpaper on my laptop.

His frame almost envelops me, and my breath quickens a bit.

I know I should worry about having just fallen asleep in front of Athalie and about all the troubling changes today, but with Tandru so close and our happy faces in the picture, it's impossible.

The picture was taken a few days after I returned from Ailopin, a small town where I had to live apart from him for a year with my aunt and uncle on my mother's side.

My mother was hospitalized during that time in an attempt to treat her chronic depression. It was a year that separated Tandru and me for the first time in almost eight years since we'd known each other, a time that brought many changes in both of us. Yet, when we found each other again, things, though initially strange, quickly fell back into our beloved routine. He would draw or read to me while I snuggled next to him. We'd help Timea, his mother, with chores around the house, all while having fun.

The image captures one of those perfect moments we can't return to. His dad had finished mowing the lawn, and we helped him pick up the grass clippings that had fallen here and there—not before making a mess first! Tandru was holding me tightly against him, one hand wrapped around my partially bare waist, the other mischievously sliding a handful of grass clippings down my shirt. His wide, sweet smile shone brightly. My head was thrown back against his shoulder, laughing uncontrollably as I tried to break free...

His mother captured the moment with such a good angle that all you see around us is lush greenery and sky.

Moments so perfect that hurt like hell now. He is right behind me but also miles apart… My eyes get all moist, and I try hard not to let tears fall. He doesn't want me anymore.

"It's like this is from another life." I whisper my thoughts unsure if my voice is stable enough, eyes still glued to our smiles.

Tandru shifts his weight behind me, clearing his throat before answering.

"Yeah..." is the only thing he says, but he seems charged with emotion and sadness?

I turn to look at him.

In contrast to his voice, I'm greeted by his brilliant, kind smile. Yet, the one on the wall feels more real than the one in front of me, as it doesn't quite reach his eyes. I keep searching his beautiful face, overwhelmed by longing and his proximity. My lips open, and his expression changes, as if something is torturing him. If I wouldn't know better I would have thought he wants me.

Hesitantly, I reach out–gently, to give him the chance to pull away–and cup his cheek. He allows it. This time, he doesn't withdraw, as if seeking my touch too, dipping his cheek into my palm. He feels strong and warm under my skin.

A strong need cries out to me from inside him. Or is it just me? I can't tell. My insides are screaming at me from the bursting heat. I take another step closer to him and we're almost pressed together. The dark abyss of his eyes envelops me, absorbs me, and I want to get closer.

Ever since day one so many years ago we have always been in tandem in our reactions. Naturally, often for different reasons as it is now so his instinct makes him stiffen and his breath comes out in a ragged fever, "Luna, please..."

I cover his mouth with my fingers, fascinated by the hot air I feel under them. His breath is heavy. Burns.

I know he is about to reject me. I know he doesn't want me, but we are here, alone, and I want to steal this moment and allow myself to believe, for a crazy second, that we both want each other for the same need and reason. So I wrap both my arms around his sculpted waist and rest my head on his chest.

"Just a little," I say softly.

A moment later, his arms wrap around me, and I am immersed in warmth, feeling whole again. This. Here and now. This is who we are, looking for and needing each other. Even if we don't want it in the same way.

Silence falls around us, and we stay that way for an immeasurable amount of time. I'm afraid to move. His heart beat is like music to my brain.

All too soon, he sighs, and his arms relax, letting go of me. Back to the real stuff.

"How are you feeling? Were you feeling unwell today?"

"No…and I don't want us to talk about it." What I really want to say is: I miss you... I miss us.

His gaze darkens, and taking a step back, he avoids my eyes, shifting his gaze from me to the large painting, his expression a blend of emotions. As he stares at it, he opens his mouth, then closes it again. Uncertainty and a pang of something – perhaps regret? – seem to restrain him.

Feeling him slipping further away, I try again, closing the distance with a step towards him, pleading, "Speak to me, Tandru!"

When his eyes meet mine once more, I see I've lost him. All I can discern in them is the distance that had become a familiar barrier between us.

They're, again, foreign and cold.

"I need to know you're okay. This hasn't happened to you in a long time..."

"I'm tired of this! I need you to talk to me about something other than my illness."

My hands search for him without realizing it, until Tandru takes another step back. "You collapsed today. I do think we should talk..."

His words trigger something in me. I can't stop the flood.

"I'm fine, Tandru!" I snap sharply. "It's just my crappy life. A minute I am fine and the next I am not. Always needing someone to carry me around. Nothing has changed!"

His eyes avoid mine, but his voice remains calm despite my anger. "You were better these last years."

"How would you know? You're never around!"

He blushes? and looks down, murmuring, "I'm always around you, Luna."

"What are you saying?!" I tilt my head a little, frowning. "How could you always be around me?" My eyes widen, "Are you saying... you're watching me...as if from a distance?!" A flush creeps up my neck, and I clench my jaw, willing the rising anger down. I'm determined not to fight. This damn wall he's put up between us, I need to tear it down. Though I'm not sure I'm ready for what I may find on the other side of it.

"I need to." His voice and his expression are so intense they draw my body towards him, almost reaching out. But I squeeze my hands together to refrain myself.

"YOU need to?!" incredulity plain in my tone.

Instead of responding, he lifts his gaze, boring into mine with what I can only describe as a cruel torture etched on his too-perfect features. I don't know what to do with it. What can cause it? Why is he always tormenting?

This admission of his hangs heavy in the air. I also feel a stab of bitterness, knowing he carries a burden he won't share with me and even as I yearn to understand what drove him away back then, why did he all of a sudden choose to date girls when he never seemed interested in that before, and push me away so coldly after we took that picture?

Now, he admits that he'd been watching me this whole time? And I get from his reaction that he did exactly that. What does it mean? Deep pain burns within me, with the understanding: he still feels responsible for me. He takes the role of a big brother very seriously. He feels and believes he must shield me from the world, as is his nature.

But I don't want him as a big brother, or any sort of brother. Far from that.

I step closer once more, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look into my eyes. He seems vulnerable, like a child.

"Tandru, why do you feel obliged to always protect me? Lord knows I owe you my life, but you don't owe me anything—"

At this, he frowns, and I realize my mistake. Too easily around him, I let my guard down, and the language of Ether leaks out of me. A small slip, but he got it.

Asking for answers directly is out of character for me, and my current behavior is getting us both to the brink. Yet, something about this place, this moment, just the two of us, makes me act impulsively.

☆ .☽. ☆ Tandru

 Her choice of words is peculiar once more. I've noticed a pattern: she only makes such mistakes when she's angry, especially in my presence. This is another sign of our relationship being broken. She never really trusted me to talk to me about this nature of hers.

 Fear shudders through me as I look into her eyes; I'm grotesquely afraid. She's so close. And I'm so in love with her… and she wants me right now; this is so damn clear in her profound eyes and on her plump parted lips... Maddening! Her whole being is screaming at me. All my dreams are right in front of me. All I ever dreamed. It could be so easy to reach out my hand and touch her.

 No! No! I desperately need her to stay away from me. My heart splits in two when understanding that I have to break her heart as well because there is no way in hell I will let her be with a guy like me.

 So, looks like I must play the villain now. I'm sick of it. Hurting her to protect her is nuts. Yet, I will always protect her, especially from myself.

 Gotta dive headfirst into my own personal hell and stay the heck away from her.

 I maintain the frowning facade, refusing to engage in the futile game of arguing over something she won't discuss. Instead, I choose a different tactic. It's time. I must inflict pain and push her to step away.

"I think you know all too well why," I said, not moving my eyes from hers. "This is a silly question."

"You mean we are just acquaintances, and it is only our friendship that makes you act like this? Then why did you bring me here instead of taking me to the dorm?" She asked me, catching me off guard and almost breaking my facade.

 Observing my expression, Luna pressed on. "Jodie gave you the key. Why are we here?" she inquires, grabbing her dorm card I left on the hall stand and shoving it in my eyes.

My carefully arranged features almost fell to the ground. What is she thinking? My motive for bringing her here... what does she imagine and what does she perceive?

 No, I must not concentrate on that if I want to succeed in staying away from her.

Playing dumb was the only way out now. "What's gotten into you? You know the doorman wouldn't have let me stay with you." 

 "Well, yes, but why stay with me in the first place? Out of obligation, as a dear brother would?"

 "Enough with the nonsense!" I brake, my voice becoming more intense as I reacted without any thought. I hated that analogy. "We are not brother and sister! I don't accept that implication and I never act from obligation!"

 Here, I stopped myself before I said something that would lead me down a path from which I couldn't return. We have to be apart. I ache for her to keep her distance.

Her question feels suffocating and I desperately want to avoid it. I don't want to answer that in a million years, "Luna. I can't do this... Please, let's... get you to class. You'll be late for the next one," I pleaded at the end, because I feel I cannot play the act I must.

 She is a force that I cannot stop getting into me. And I'm too weak around her, so I must get out before I do something wrong. I'm afraid I'll falter if I stay any longer. "I'm not doing this out of obligation, you should have known that. But don't look for something special in it; there is nothing." I closed my mouth when I saw her eyes glistening with tears.

She's getting all squinty-eyed, like, "Seriously, you can't handle being near me?" Closing her eyes for a moment, when she opens them again, they are ice-cold.

I'm fighting with myself not to give in and crush her into my arms. Finally she blurts out, "You should have thought of that before you brought me here. You should have let Jodi take me, or helped her take me, and done nothing more. You shouldn't show this kind of...of... kindness if you're even the least bit interested".

She had grew angrier with every word but she stops abruptly and turns away from me, putting on her shoes, and as she grabs her things from the foyer, I sigh deeply and go to put on my shoes to accompany her, but Luna grabs my arm and makes me look into her eyes.

 "Don't you dare come after me!"

 "You're overreacting," I snap, "You need..." 

 "No, I don't! You don't have to do anything, I never asked you to! Stop playing the bodyguard!" she almost growls at me through her teeth and storms out the door, slamming it behind her.

 Well, played, damn ass! Guess I did a pretty good job of playing the bad guy after all... I need to know she gets there safely. So I throw on my shoes and go after her.