CHAPTER 8

America was doing a great job draining me. In December, my GPA dropped, not badly, but I didn't like it. I knew why though, so I didn't beat myself up. My dad's efforts to get money were in vain. We hadn't paid a single sent to the business office. I had no money, or power. As I had predicted, the office didn't allow me to register for my spring classes until we paid them something. Something we couldn't do. And so, they canceled my scholarship.

Applying for a loan was even harder; we had no cosigner. I had had enough of America. I remember finally breaking down on the phone with my family on New Year's Eve. All of us were on a video call, talking about what to leave in 2020 and what to take to 2021. It was a calm call with everyone sharing their minds and laughing if it's funny, but all I could do was listen. My hand was on my cheek and my mind was elsewhere.

"What are you thinking about?", my dad asked after a while of watching me zone out.

"Nothing.", I shrugged.

"The year is over. Next year will be better.",

"No, it won't.", I mumbled. Nobody heard me. 

"Tell me; Are you excited?",

"Why should I be?", I asked. I guess I finally left the speaking to my heart, not my brain, "This has been the worst year of my life. I've cried every single day.",

I watched as the mood of the call took a turn to the thorny bushes. 

"Your dad's business deals are starting to look good.", said my mom, trying to calm the waves.

But I've heard that before, so many times before.

"Mom, I'm not happy. I'm depressed. Nothing worked out for me. All I did this year was hold on to a very thin thread, hoping it wouldn't break, but I failed. I'm breaking.", tears welled up. I turned my head towards the window. 

I didn't want them to see me cry. But what the hell? I managed to do that for a whole year. I think I deserved to break down in front of somebody.

"So, what are you trying to say?", my mom asked, anger detected in her tone.

"I want to leave.", I finally said it.

My biological brother, Mark, was back at home with our parents. His long wish was for him to come abroad. He was very excited when I got my visa because he knew his turn was coming. He couldn't think of anything else other than going abroad. So, when I said I wanted to go back, he saw me as the stupidest person he'd never met.

My parents too were extremely disappointed. My half-brother was saddened. I guess they didn't expect me to utter such 'nonsense'.

"Do you remember what we went through for you to get your Visa?", my mom asked angrily, "I can't believe how easy it is for you to even suggest coming back here.",

"It isn't easy!", I cried, "I've been patient all year.",

"Your dad is trying _",

"Dad has been trying and trying, but it didn't work. I can't stay here with that kind of hope. We have no money! That's the reality. The more I wait, the more damage I'll be doing to myself.",

"You want to come back here and do what?", asked Mark, "There's no job here. Everyone is trying to come there, and you want to come back here? Are you stupid?".

It was getting harder and harder for me to explain to them. I knew they wouldn't get it.

"You can get a job there, right? The one that pays you in cash.", my mom suggested,

"I can look for a job for her.", Jonathan replied, "But if her mind is made up about leaving, she won't be able to do it.",

"Who cares what she can or can't do?", asked my mom, "She can't come back here. It's better if she stays there and works _",

"ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO ME?", I yelled angrily, "I'M DEPRESSED. I FEEL NOTHING. MY MIND IS DARK. IT'S DANGEROUS FOR ME TO STAY IN THIS COUNTRY!", my voice was cracking, and so was my overall energy.

It became quiet for a minute. Nobody said a word. Then my dad leaned forward. I expected him to say something supportive. I've always been my daddy's girl. We always understood each other. If nobody was on my side, my dad was always there for me. So, when he leaned forward, I thought he'd say something relieving. But instead _

"If you come back here, find someplace else to stay at. I don't want to see you at my house.", he said.

I still haven't felt the same pain I felt like that day. Everybody hung up on me after that. I was left staring at a blank phone screen, nothing actually going on in my mind. My brain stopped thinking for a while. It's like I froze.

***