THE INCOMPLETE LOVE

After requesting Shakir to take my marriage proposal to the Maulvi's house, when I returned home that evening, I noticed that the Commissioner was extremely angry. While I was going upstairs from the lounge, I was halted by his loud roar. "Stop here." I stopped there. Mother, brother Sajjad and his wife Abrina also came out of their rooms. Father was present there with all the arrogance and pride of a Commissioner while I stood before him with my head bent like a B class criminal. "So you won't go to London?" "I'm ready to go to London if you make amends for the misbehaviour shown to Maulvi Alimuddin in this house. "What!" roared the Commissioner. "So you want that Retired Commissioner Amjad Raza, who has access even to the President house, should apologize to an ordinary Maulvi. Just forget it." "Then all of you should also forget that I would ever act upon any of your instructions." As I started going upstairs, the Commissioner roared again with all his wrath and fury. "Perhaps, you're forgetting the fact that only my orders and instructions are acted upon in the house under whose roof you are living. In other words, I was being indirectly threatened that if I refused to comply with the Commissioner's orders, I would be expelled from the house. I was not particularly surprised at this warning, because, while he was in office, the Commissioner must have been expelling the criminals from his town and city exactly in the same manner. Moreover, I had committed the most heinous crime, that is, the crime of love and this crime has never been considered pardonable. I was standing in the courtroom of my family as a criminal of love. I turned and looked towards the Commissioner. "Does it mean that I'm no longer entitled to live in this house?" Mother looked worried. Perhaps, she was apprehensive that things were not going in the right direction. "No my dear son, why should we want any such thing to happen? We only wish that you should remove the thought of that girl from your mind." "I believe that it's easier for me to leave this house than removing her thought from my mind and heart." I started going towards the main gate in order to go out. Mother shouted from behind me, "Hammad, What stupidity it is!" In a scornful and contemptuous manner, the Commissioner thundered again. "Let him go. In a day or two, he'll become aware of the prices of things and the meaning of living away from the comforts and luxuries of home. This prince of ours, who has spent his whole life drinking mineral water, sleeping in air conditioned rooms and enjoying the service of a battalion of servants, has not yet seen even a single glimpse of the difficulties and hardships of the outside world. Let him remain outside the home for a single night and you'll see that he'll automatically get rid of this demon of love. He doesn't even know how to walk properly. Tell us Mr., are you capable of going to the place where you wish to go or should I ask the driver to take you to that place?" I turned towards the Commissioner. "Parents should teach their children how to walk. It's an unfortunate thing that you haven't taught me how to walk but time is a great teacher. It teaches a person even those things which his parents have forgotten to teach him. Sooner or later, I'll learn how to live without your servants, air conditioners and mineral water. Even if I fail to learn such things, rest assured that I won't come to you for help." Mother continued to shout; brother Sajjad was dumbfounded while in a state of extreme frustration and agitation, Father kept on emitting smoke from his pipe. All the open ways of the city lay in front of me and over my head was the blazing sky. I did not know where to go. Father was right to say that I had never gone out of the house on foot. I had seen every road and street of the city only through the wind screen of my cars of the latest model. That day, while walking on these paths on foot, I was for the first time realizing their length and their scenes. It is said that everyone talks of changing the world but no one makes any serious attempt to change himself. It was the day when I had started the efforts to change myself. Sitting for a long time on a bench in a park, I contemplated on this totally changed situation. I had thrown away my ATM card in front of the members of my family in the lounge while I was leaving the house and now, I had only a few hundred rupees in my pocket. I wondered how these rupees had remained in my pocket. Evening was slowly descending into the park and those people who were strolling in the park or relaxing there, had started going home one after the other. In a short while, the park became empty and at the time of the Maghrib Prayer, the watchman of the park came to me and informed me of the closure of the park. It was obvious that he wanted to tell me that the park had to be closed and, therefore, I should also go home. But on that day, I had no home at all, so where to go? The building which I had considered to be my home since my childhood, turned out to be the court of the Commissioner, where I could live only as long as I submitted myself to his dictates. I suggest that at the start of each year, all such parents should tell their children to fill in a contract form, having all the terms and conditions pertaining to their stay with them. These terms and conditions should be read out to their children annually so that they may never make the mistake of regarding that building as their home. Darkness of the night was now descending on the roads where the heavy gas lamps placed on the carts had been lit. While walking on the road, I saw the gate of the Government Civil Hospital. I could still remember that during childhood, on our way back home from school, Kamran and I used to stop here, because my uncle was working as civil surgeon in this hospital at that time. After crossing the hospital, one could see a road leading to a square. My school was situated next to the square. Whenever we went to the uncle's office, we used to make a lot of noise in the long corridors of the hospital and played on the roads of the hospital covered with pine trees for several hours. I further remembered those long wooden benches which were placed under the high evergreen trees. These benches were used for sleeping by those poor people who had come with their patients from far off areas and who could not afford to rent a room or stay in a hotel in the city. That strange night of my life was going to be spent on one of those benches. In my disturbed state of mind, I did not even think of those few hundred rupees which were present in the pocket of my shirt. I went there and lay on one of those wooden benches. After a long time in my life, I felt the open sky and shining stars talking to me. I remembered those memorable summer nights of childhood which we used to spend with our grandmother. At night, our beds were laid in the open courtyard and as Grandmother started telling interesting stories, we used to feel that the stars shining on our heads were also listening to her stories. These smiling stars remained awake as long as we did not go to sleep after listening to the story. They went on playing with us and talking to us as long as the story continued. I felt as if the stars of my childhood had once again come to me that night to share my loneliness. The sight of those stars caused some embarrassment to me, because, I had forgotten them for such a long time. But during that night, as I looked towards them with my wet eyes, I noticed that all those old friends of my childhood had once again assembled over my head without any complaint. They had come only to share my pain and suffering. While we were children, each of us used to choose his favourite star. Kamran, Niggy, Ibad and I had our own selected stars. For myself I used to choose the most brilliant star, because since my childhood, I had been in the habit of selecting the rarest and most prominent things for myself. Same was the case with her who was unique and most prominent among all the girls. If my heart had expressed its desire for her, what was wrong with it? Why had the whole world turned against me? Why has the world always turned against the lovers? That whole night was spent under the onslaught of several such questions and I suddenly realized the passage of the night when one after the other, my friends the stars started bidding farewell to me; and I began to hear the loud noise made by the little birds in their small nests in the pine, cherry and other trees. Perhaps, nests are also like our homes. First of all, older members of the family wake up and prepare breakfast for the children and then, the children are awakened from their sleep. Then, I heard the Azan from the hospital mosque and one after the other, worshippers were seen going towards the mosque. For a while, I went on observing these people who had sacrificed their early morning sleep and were rubbing their eyes and going towards the mosque full of religious fervour. Till then, I had never got up so early in the morning for going to the mosque in order to offer the Morning Prayer. I wondered what strange type of people they were. I was unable to understand the passion which was driving them towards the mosque. I had spent the whole night sleeplessly and now, rays of the sun had reached the ground after passing through the branches of tall trees. The hustle and bustle of life had begun. Perhaps, it was time for the visit of some senior doctor because, members of the hospital staff clad in white uniform were hurriedly removing the bench sleepers from the benches. I myself had no mind to stay there. I had to go to Shakir. He might have gone to the Maulvi's house the previous day and might have brought some fresh news for me. Quite unintentionally, I put my hand into the pocket and discovered the few hundred rupee notes which were in my pocket at the time when I was leaving my home. I got into a tonga standing near the hospital gate and told the tonga driver to take me to that part of the city where Shakir's house was situated. For the first time on that day I realized that if a person is sitting on the back seat of a tonga, the surrounding scenes appear to him like a movie being shown in twisted form. Shakir who was coming out of the Haveli's gate, was stunned to see me there and ran towards me. For a while, he carefully surveyed me as if I had come from some other planet. "O Mr. Hammad, where did you go yesterday? Where did you spend the last night? What strange appearance you've made of yourself." Accompanied by Shakir, I went to his quarter, because, I had refused to go to the drawingroom of the old Haveli. Shakir hurriedly opened the door of his quarter's drawingroom that opened into the backyard of the old Haveli. With my half shut eyes, I remained seated at the sofa for some time. After a short while, Nighat and Shakir entered the room with the breakfast tray. The breakfast which Nighat had hastily prepared consisted of Parathas, tea and a delicious dish made of boiled eggs. But at that time, I was in no mood of eating anything. However, on the insistence of Shakir, I had to drink a few draughts of tea. I was eager to know about his visit to the Maulvi's house. But before that, Shakir told me what had happened at my own house after my departure. At the time when I left my home, Shakir had gone to meet the Maulvi. Afterwards, when he went to my home, some other servants narrated to him the incident that had taken place there. According to Shakir, Mother was worried about me while Father and brother Sajjad were satisfied with the thought that I would soon return home after being driven from pillar to post. However, my younger brother Ibad had visited all of my friends during the night in search of me. I did not tell Shakir where I had spent the night. In response to all his questions, I asked him only one question. "Did you go to the Maulvi's house? What's the news from there?" As he listened to my question, he remained silent for a while and then spoke. "Yes, I went there yesterday. Ever since his return from your house that day, the Maulvi has become a bed ridden fellow and his whole family seems to be in a state of mourning. In such a situation, I didn't think it appropriate to talk to him about anything else. I only enquired after his health and came back. The Maulvi has been completely shattered by the shocking incident that took place in your house. The only valuable asset for a gentleman is his sense of honour. But if someone deprives him of it, he finds himself buried alive." I could very well imagine the hard times through which the Maulvi's family must have been passing at that time. Shakir had done the right thing by returning home without saying anything to

the Maulvi about me. There was no reason for me to remain sitting in Shakir's drawingroom and I, therefore, got up to leave. Shakir caught my hand. "Where do you wish to go now? I won't let you go anywhere." "I've got no destination now. I'll go wherever my legs carry me. I've got a splendid opportunity of recognizing myself and I don't want to lose it at any cost, otherwise, for the rest of my life, I won't be able to raise my head before anyone and even myself." Shakir was well aware of my nature. Whenever I determined to do something, no power on earth could force me to reverse my decision. His eyes were full of tears because, he knew that I had spent my whole life in a bed of roses and that very soon, I would be fatally wounded by the thorns which I had deliberately opted for myself. But at the same time, he knew that he won't be able to stop me. He walked along me to the last end of the Haveli. As I looked around, I found Nighat standing beside the door. Her eyes were full of tears and with the corner of her head covering, she was wiping off those tears. I forcibly sent Shakir back to his home. After all, he had to go on his duty. The Commissioner had been extremely furious during the previous evening and I knew that he would vent out his fury on the servants. At last, with tearful eyes, Shakir went back. After walking on the road for a while, I found a tonga and told the driver to take me to the railway station. I remembered that Kamran often talked to me about one of his distant relatives named Javed Siddiqi, who was serving as Station Master in the railway. He did not know me but I thought that he might still be serving at the same post at Quetta Railway Station. I had to do something to make both ends meet and that distant relative of Kamran might be of some help to me. Moreover, one sentence spoken by Maulvi Alimuddin during his last encounter with me, was continuously echoing in my ears. Standing at the gate of my house, I was humbly apologizing to Maulvi Alimuddin and requesting him to prescribe for me whatever punishment he liked for the injustice that had been done to him by my family. In that situation, the Maulvi had said something which was absolutely true. "You haven't got any identity of your own. Only those people who have their own identity, have the right to beg forgiveness and to be forgiven. As far as you are concerned, you are dependent on those who have made fun of my poverty and disgraced my innocent daughters." Whatever he had said was a truth and I had felt his words like a slap on my face. He had rightly said that I had no right to apologize on behalf of the members of my family, because, I was totally dependent on them. In other words, till then, I had spent my whole life without any personal identity. Everyone knew me only as the son of Retired Commissioner Amjad Raza. Thus, whatever honour and respect I had in my life, had been gifted to me by someone else. But now, I was determined to have my own identity and with this new identity, I would once again face Maulvi Alimuddin. Having arrived at the railway station, I enquired about Javed Siddiqi. Luckily for me, he was still serving there at the same post. I stood for a while outside the station master's room and then gave to the peon a slip of paper bearing my name. A few minutes later, I was called inside the room. Mr. Javed Siddiqi was a white haired respectable looking man in his fifties with spectacles on his eyes and a ball point on an ear. He had a strong well-built body and was of medium height. His white hair had been properly parted from one side. Examining the files that lay before him, he looked towards me and said "So Mr. Hammad, you are Kamran's friend. What can I do for you?" "Sir, I am unemployed these days. I shall be extremely thankful to you if you arrange some job for me, even if it is on temporary basis." Mr. Siddiqi lifted his head in surprise and had a closer look at me. "So that's the matter. I thought you've come here in connection with some seat reservation. But from your appearance you seem to be an educated boy. How can I find a suitable job for you here? What's your qualification?" At times, the higher education of a man becomes an obstacle in his way. People have sympathy for him but feel shy while giving him some job. I had already decided not to tell anyone about my educational career and my family background. "Sir, my qualification is barely nominal. You may give me any type of work to do. While coming here, I was very much hopeful that you would help me." Mr. Siddiqi had another scrutinizing look at me as if he did not believe in what I had said about my education. But he seemed to be an experienced man and did not have any further argumentation with me on this issue. "Can you lift the luggage?" "Yes sir." He rang the old hand bell lying on the table and his peon at once came into the room like the genie which appeared as soon as Aladdin rubbed his lamp on the ground. "Summon Ghafura," ordered Mr. Siddiqi. The peon nodded his head and soon returned accompanied by a middle aged man having a strong and healthy body and wearing the uniform of the coolies consisting of a rope on the shoulder, a red shirt and an iron badge on the hand. Before entering the room, Ghafura switched off the light to indicate that he had a great respect for Mr. Siddiqi. As soon as he entered the room, he said Salaam (The actual words of Salaam are "Assalamu Alaikum" which means "May peace be upon you." These are the words with which Muslims greet each other) to Mr. Siddiqi and stood respectfully in front of him. Mr. Siddiqi again raised his head and said, "Is the number of your workers complete?" "No sir. Sallu's son who had pneumonia last month hasn't yet joined his duty. Besides him, there are a couple of other corrupt workers who are always on leave. I've prepared their papers and tomorrow, you will get complaint against them." Later on, I came to know that Ghafura was the labour in charge of the dry port at the railway station. Mr. Siddiqi decided that I should work temporarily under Ghafura, because in order to work permanently as a coolie, I required departmental permission, which was a long process. However, Mr. Siddiqi was authorized to include my name in the list of temporary labourers or coolies who were working on daily wages. "Ghafuray, this is Hammad. From today, he will work under you. For the time being, I've recruited him on temporary basis. After seeing his performance, we'll decide whether to issue a permanent permit for him or not." In astonishment, Ghafura observed me from head to heels. Perhaps, there was something written on my face which was not allowing him and his boss to mentally accept me as a labourer. Perhaps, life long prosperity gives a particular shine to our face or writes something on it, which is hard to remove. While I was about to go, Mr. Siddiqi told me that I could come to him at any time, in case I had some problem. I informed him that I was alone and had no place to live. He instructed Ghafura to tell the peons of the third class waiting-room that for the time being I would be sleeping there at night. Moreover, it was summer season and the nights could also be spent on the platform. First of all, Ghafura brought out my uniform from the store and gave it to me. The first number of my new identity was also allotted to me. It was Hammad labourer #137,. At that place, labourers were not called by their names but by their numbers. I was not Hammad. Instead, I had become labourer #137. In one sense, it was a good thing because, my actual name did not bear any semblance with the names of other labourers. If it had not been necessary to submit my identity card, I might have changed my name as well. Every railway station has its own world, its own morning and evening. Till then, I had always traveled by air. My experience of travelling by trains was limited to London and other European cities. Inside my own country, I had not properly seen even a single railway station. But what an irony of fate it was that I was standing as a labourer at the railway station of my own city. Unlike the ordinary coolies, the coolies of the dry port had no concern with the passenger trains. They were mainly required to unload the goods from goods trains. A short while ago on that day, a goods train had arrived at platform 2. After the clarification of all the details, Ghafura patted me on my back and said, "Young man, start your labour now. God will help you." Like other labourers, I also began unloading the cargo. It was for the first time in my life that I understood the real meaning of weight and how the whole body pains while lifting heavy weight. I became exhausted only in two rounds. Ghafura who was keenly observing me, called me and as I went near him he smiled and said, "Why young man, it seems as if you've never lifted anything heavy in your life." "No, I'm not habitual of such things, but don't worry, I'll complete the work of my share." Ghafura held my hands, had a close look at my palms and said "Dear friend, Ghafura's eyes can never tell a lie. These hands have been made for holding pens and papers. Why have you come here to spoil your youth? Go away from here otherwise, one day, your life will also be ruined like ours while lifting these heavy things. Have some mercy on your youthful beauty. With a smile, I pulled back my hands and resumed my work. How could he know that all of my youthful beauty had already been burnt to ashes by the spark of the first glimpse of that charming lady? Now, only some faint smoke was rising from my heart as a last reminder of that fire. This smoke would also vanish as soon as this fire is over.