GOD AND LOVE

I had been working as a labourer at the railway station for a week. Since my hands were not accustomed to such manual labour, there was a severe swelling in them on the very first night. But with the passage of time, the swelling began to disappear. Ghafura was taking care of me as much as possible. I remained at some distance from other labourers who had their own little joys and sorrows. They regarded me as an educated person and, therefore, they did not consider me to be one of them. As I seemed to be an educated young man, Ghafura used to call me Babu (The word Babu is generally used for smartly dressed educated modern young men). I was spending my days working as a labourer at the railway station while my nights were being spent at the platform or on the benches of the waiting room. During those days, I had a strong realization that without any reason, we have turned our life into a great trouble for ourselves. If a person wishes, he can easily spend his life with two sets of clothes. I was Hammad Amjad Raza whose dresses were prepared in the finest boutiques of London. At times, I used to throw away the most precious dresses if they did not have proper cuff links or matching tie pins. If I wore a dress at one social gathering, I never liked to wear it again on some other occasion. But now, the same Hammad was quite comfortably spending his life in one uniform and one set of trousers and shirt. The uniform was officially washed every other day and in just five rupees, I could get my suit washed from the laundry of the railway station. There was a time, when my breakfast remained incomplete without continental, English or Arabian ingredients. If at times, I did not find the French corn flax and Egyptian honey on the breakfast table, I would angrily leave the table without having breakfast. But now, my breakfast consisted of a cup of strong tea, bun and butter got from the cabin of the platform. Fresh strawberry shake was now replaced by sugarcane juice. Instead of having my lunch and dinner at five-star hotels, I used to go to the oven of the platform hotel for eating simple bread and broth. Quite surprisingly, after the first two or three days, I did not feel any particular difference in these things. In those days, I had a strong realization that human beings have put their life into unnecessary troubles and difficulties. This is especially the case with rich people like me. Our false pride, self- liking self-importance and self-esteem are nothing but a continuous torture for us. In this process I also came to know how most people spend their days and nights. There are many people who spend 12 out of 24 hours of a day and night in sleeping. Out of the remaining 12 hours, six hours are devoted to the worldly worries such as those related to the office, business, trade and other forms of employment. From the remaining six hours, if we exclude two or three hours which we spend in eating or visiting our friends and relatives, it means that we hardly spend only two or three hours in 24 hours for ourselves. What is the need for so much tension, dishonesty and hectic struggle for the sake of only two or three hours? If a person starts running after higher status and higher standard of living, there can be no limit to such things. He may be spending a very comfortable and luxurious life but he will surely come across those people whose life is more comfortable and more luxurious than his own. But the fact is that from an emperor to a beggar, everyone has got only 24 hours at his disposal and the whole problem is how to pass these 24 hours? He may spend this time in the agonizing restlessness of having the best of the best, or in a state of contentment and patient resignation at whatever he has got in his life. He may spend the whole day in complaining or in expressing his gratitude to God. Whatever he does, time never stops and continues to pass. Almost daily, life was teaching me new lessons or perhaps, I had started comprehending the realities of life; perhaps, life was not so difficult for me because I was alone. Perhaps, relations become the main compulsion and obstacle in a person's life. Demands of relations force him to become ungrateful and to join the race for getting best of the best. If everyone in the world had been alone, life might not have been so difficult and burdensome for him. Husband, wife, children, grand children and all other human relationships drive a person into a dangerous quagmire. I had been working at the dry port of the railway station for a week. It was Thursday and I had an evening off. After informing Ghafura, I came out of the railway station. Throughout the previous week, I had not seen even a single glimpse of the outside world. As I came out of the station, I felt myself as a new-comer in the city. I told a tonga driver to take me to the old [locality of the city where Maulvi Alimuddin lived with his family. Daily, we take a number of decisions and make plans about future. We decide to do something or visit someone on a particular day or date. But at times, it so happens that when time draws near for implementing these decisions, we feel our heart sinking. Of course, such decisions are very few in number. But it was exactly the case with me while I was going towards the Maulvi's house. I was thinking that in my new life style, I might be able to beg forgiveness from the Maulvi; or at least, I might be in a position to make a humble request to forgive me. At about five or five-thirty in the evening, the tonga dropped me at the gate of Maulvi Alimuddin's street. It was time for the Asr Prayer. With beating heart and heavy steps, I went up to the corner of the Maulvi's street but I no longer had the courage to go forward. The very idea of having another encounter with the Maulvi and once again entering the home of my sweetheart was enough for my whole body to perspire. As my heart beat quickened, I stepped forward into the street which had only a few houses. The whole street looked deserted at that time of the evening. For a long time, I stood near the wooden door of the Maulvi's house, trying to keep myself calm and composed. I could hear a soft feminine voice coming from inside the house. My heart leaped and I thought that it was perhaps Iman's voice. I gently knocked at the door. After the second knock, I heard the sound of footsteps coming towards the door. Then, someone asked "Who's there?" Of course, it was Iman's voice. How could I forget her soft melodious voice? For a moment, the earth and the sky seemed motionless. In reply, I wished to say something but due to my nervousness, I only made some incoherent sounds which forced Iman to ask my name again. By that time, Iman had come quite near to the door. Perhaps, all the visitors of the Maulvi strictly adhered to the etiquettes of knocking at the doors of others. Iman might be thinking that I was also one of those civilized people who stand at a distance of ten steps after knocking at the door and if they hear some feminine voice from inside, they turn away their face so that the ladies of the house may not have to look at a stranger's face. But how could an ignorant person like me know about such traditional etiquettes? It was for the first time in my life that I had knocked at someone's door in such a gentle manner. All of my friends, relatives and acquaintances had grand palace like residences. The gate keepers deployed at their gates always opened the gates before the blowing of the horn and my sports car speedily entered through the gate. Perhaps, Iman was of the view that I was also one of those civilized guests of her father who were fully aware of all the etiquettes of knocking at the door. She might have concluded that after hearing a feminine voice from inside the house, I must have gone a few steps away and, therefore, my voice could not be properly heard by her in the house. Perhaps, due to this very reason, when she came to the door, she slightly opened it to ask my name through the slit. But I was still standing near the door unable to speak and move. First of all, I saw her delicate and conical fingers at the tip of the door. She had properly covered her face with her head cover. As she slightly opened the door, she was dumbfounded. She could not imagine someone standing so near to the door. In confusion, I lifted my eyes and for a moment, my eyes had an encounter with hers. Her eyes resembled the eyes of a female deer and during that fleeting moment, I noticed in her eyes the same intensity and surprise which I had never seen in anyone else's eyes. The very next moment, she turned back and went away. In her utter confusion and nervousness, she had not even properly shut the door. I was also trying to recover my senses after being struck by the lightning of her eyes. After a while, Haya appeared at the door. First of all, she properly shut the door and then said Salaam to me through the narrow opening of the door. After responding to her Salaam, I told her that I had come to meet the Maulvi. She informed me that he was not feeling well at that time and, therefore, it would not be possible for me to see him "You see, it is extremely important for me to meet him. I won't take much of his time. I wish to talk to him only for a few noments. Please!" In response, Haya remained silent but Iman, who had also arrived at the door, began to speak. "For God's sake, go away from here. With a great deal of difficulty, Father has been able to recover from that shock to some extent. If he sees you here, his condition may deteriorate again. I, therefore, request you not to come here again." I felt as if my heart had been stabbed or crushed under a heavy stone. But these innocent girls were not to blame for the matter. For the health of her noble father, every girl would give a similar suggestion. For a few moments, I was unable to say anything. Then, I mustered up my courage. "You see, I can very well imagine the anguish and agony of his heart but believe you me, I didn't have the least idea of what happened that day; otherwise, I would never have said anything about this matter to any member of my family. Anyhow, I was the cause of whatever happened that day and, therefore, it's my responsibility to make amends for that. Please don't deprive me of the opportunity to beg forgiveness from him. I implore you most humbly." "Such words are of no use now. Time itself will heal his wounds. But if you continue to appear before him again and again, he may never be able to forget this incident. I've no complaint to make against you. What is done cannot be undone and there is no use of crying over spilt milk now." Iman was justified in her arguments but these arguments would have been right for me if my only objective had been meeting the Maulvi for the last time and begging forgiveness from him. In that case, I could have waited for years till the healing of the Maulvi's wounds, in order to beg forgiveness from him. But my objective was of a much higher nature. After winning back his confidence, I intended to get the rare emerald that lay hidden in his house, whose single look had changed my whole life. Clinging to the door, both the sisters were waiting for me to go, while standing outside the door, I was thinking of some other way to gain entry into the house. I had a feeling that if I returned unsuccessfully that day, I might never be able to come here again. But as soon as I summoned up my courage for the last time and attempted to speak, I heard the Maulvi's voice coming from the veranda. "Who's there at the door?" he was asking his daughters. A prolonged silence prevailed in the house but in the meantime, another thing happened. With a rosary in his hands, Abdullah entered the street from the corner. Seeing me standing at his door, he was startled for a moment. But the very next moment, he recovered himself, came forward and shook hands with me. "You are here?" "Yes. I've come here to see the Maulvi." "It may not be appropriate for you to meet him now." "Please go inside and tell him about my coming. If he refuses to see me, I'll go back." After thinking something for a while, Abdullah nodded his head and then went in. Only my heart knows what an ordeal those few moments were for me. I felt as if after being condemned to death, I was standing on the scaffold waiting for the relatives of the murdered person to decide whether they would forgive me or order the executioner to pull the lever and bring an end to my life. I stood there waiting, as if for centuries. Finally, Abdullah came out and I looked towards him with hopeful eyes. He moved away from the door and said, "Come in please." My breathing became regular once again and with my head bent, I followed Abdullah and entered the house where she lived. Passing through the courtyard, we walked towards the drawingroom situated on the other side of the wooden grills adjacent to the veranda. As I sat down in the drawingroom, Abdullah went out and there was complete silence for the next few moments without any sound or movement. As I looked around, I noticed that all the things in the room were lying in the same order in which I had seen them during my first visit. But what a hell of difference between the reception which I received during my first visit and which was now being given to me. So often, even the fortunes of the greatest men are turned upside down in a minute by time. After a short while, I heard the low coughing of the Maulvi at the door. I immediately sat down in an upright manner. Walking with the support of a stick, the Maulvi entered the room. It looked as if he had been sick for years. I stood up as a mark of respect for him, while he silently sat down on the sofa in front of me and responded to my Salaam in a low voice. For a while, complete silence prevailed in the room. I felt as if I had lost all my words and the Maulvi too sat without saying a word. At last, I broke the ice. "How do you feel now?" "I feel better now. Thanks be to Allah." "Can I hope to be forgiven by you today?" "Why to mention the past happenings again and again? Who am I to forgive the people? Allah alone has the power to forgive the human beings. I have forgotten everything. You should also forget it. Such things are not worth remembering for the high class people. Leave the low class people like us to our fate." Gradually, his tone was becoming quite bitter. It was his greatness that he was tolerating my presence in his house. Had it been someone else, I might have been driven away from the door. "I admit that whatever was done by the members of my family was a mean and deplorable act and a sin that cannot be compensated; but why are you annoyed with everyone?" The Maulvi's tone became bitterer. "Forget these things young man. All these things are the pastimes and routine enjoyments of aristocratic people like you. Poor people like us have got only a few precious things such as honour and self-respect, but you people rob us of these things as well." "Do you believe that my worst crime is that I'm the son of a rich father, born in a rich family? Is the richness of a person such a cardinal sin that no one should ever trust his good intentions? Please let me know through what type of test or trial shall I have to pass in order to prove my truth? I'm ready to do whatever you like to regain your trust and confidence. You are annoyed with my affluence. But this affluence is not my own. It has been given to me by others. On that day, you said that I haven't got my own identity. If it is the case, why are you punishing me for the identity given to me by others?" I became a bit emotional and said whatever came to my mind. With his bent head, the Maulvi sat silently for a while, perhaps contemplating on what I had just said. Then, he lifted his head and spoke. "If you are earnestly desirous of forgiveness and if you wish that the burden of what was said by the members of your family should be removed from my heart, you'll have to make a promise with me. From today, you'll have to forget forever, the way leading to this house, this house itself and the people living in it, for the sake of their honour and dignity. I've cool-mindedly listened to your words and accepted your apology. Now, you too will have to prove that you are really ashamed of the behaviour of your family. Can you make this commitment with me? Do you wish to win back your old trust?" For a while, I could not think of an appropriate answer. I felt that during the previous week, Shakir must have told something to the Maulvi about my wish, that is why, he had to make such a long preliminary statement before coming to the point. In other words, he knew that besides begging forgiveness, I had another far more important objective. I again mustered up my courage. "You see, on that day, you had said that I don't have my own identity and that, whatever I am, it is due to my dependence on others and due to their power and prestige. The very next day, I left that house and today, I've come to you with my own separate identity. Now, I've nothing to do with the wealth, power and splendour of that house. Currently, I'm working as an ordinary labourer. I'm an educated man and can easily earn my bread and butter. I can give you every guarantee even some others can give you this guarantee which will be entirely based on my own personality. My past identity will have no role to play in it and on the basis of my new identity, I wish to make a request to you." Signs of anger appeared on the Maulvi's face but with a great deal of difficulty, he controlled himself and began to speak. "Before repeating something, keep it in your mind that I've still got some honour and respect which may be shattered by your request. Whatever you are thinking is totally impossible." While going towards the Maulvi's house from the railway station, I had not thought even for a single moment that I would have to say the final word in this connection that very evening, but the decisive tone of the Maulvi's words was indicating beyond any doubt that he wanted to settle the matter then and there. For a moment, both of us remained silent but at last, I broke the silence. "I had thought of sending some elderly person for the final settlement of this issue. Besides the members of my family, there are some other people as well, who could convey my request to you. But it seems that you have already made the final decision. Please tell me what is lacking in me? I've already thrown away the disdainful mark of my wealth and affluence. In addition to this, if I've got some other short coming or flaw, I'll definitely try to remove it. At least, there must be some reason for rejecting me in such a manner." The Maulvi was no longer in control of himself. He angrily stood up and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it now! Why are you bent upon defaming us? What would the people say? They would say that Maulvi Alim married his daughter into the same house where he used to go for teaching a child. The whole world would point fingers at us. Do you wish that with our own actions, we should prove the truth of the accusations which were brought against me and my daughters by the members of your family? No my dear no. Have some mercy on us." "It means that you are only afraid of what others would say. But suppose, if instead of misbehaving with you, the members of my family had come to your with this marriage proposal, for the sake of my happiness, would you have accepted it?" "No, never. We are no match for you. You've been trained and brought up in an entirely different environment. What you describe as love is regarded by us as a sin. I'm already a sinful man. Don't make me more sinful. Our daughters are not married into those families whose members have not offered their prayers for years. These are the families whose youngsters hardly know about the first and second Kalimas (A Kalima is a holy sentence taught by the Holy Prophet to his followers, to be repeated by them for receiving Allah's blessings. There are six such Kalimas or holy sentences which are generally taught to the Muslims in their childhood) and are quite ignorant of the remaining four Kalimas. In such families, the Quran is only considered to be a book which should be placed in a decorative manner in the shelf. You have also been trained in a similar family where men and women openly mix up with each other. If a person leaves his house, it doesn't mean that his mentality has changed or that the effects of his training have disappeared from his personality. I don't want to destroy my future generations. It's time for my Prayer, let me go." He angrily left the room without hearing my reply. After his departure, Abdullah entered the room, carrying the tea tray. I told him that I wanted to go but he hurriedly poured some tea into a cup for me. With an unwilling heart, I had a few draughts of tea. As I came out of the house, Abdullah also came with me, into the street to say good-bye. At last, he shook hands with me and spoke: "Please don't mind the words of my uncle, because, at that time, he was a bit out of control. For this very reason, I had told you that it would be better not to meet him in this condition. Anyhow, whatever happened, forget it. The other day, I was told by Uncle Shakir that you've left your home. I advise you to return home. Parents have a very high place in our religion and it's not good to remain annoyed with them for such a long time." I could hear the Azans for the Maghrib Prayer. After bidding farewell to me outside his street, Abdullah went towards the mosque but violent storms were blowing in my mind and I could not even properly say good-bye to him. I did not know where I was going at that time. The Maulvi's words were piercing into my ears like molten lead. Is love really a sin? If love is a sin, why was it giving me joy and peace instead of restlessness? I believed that the class difference was the main cause of the Maulvi's refusal. But the actual situation turned out to be quite different. Religion and love were at war with each other and love was being kicked away by religion. I was thinking that if I had learnt the six Kalimas by heart, worn religious dress and requested the Maulvi to allow me to marry his daughter, why should I have become acceptable to him in that case? If I was a bit away from religion, was it my own fault? My love for Iman was still intact and was as pure as that love which has the element of religion in it. It is true that on account of my upbringing and training, I had not been able to become a particularly good Muslim. But what was its connection with my love? I was still engrossed in such thoughts when I arrived back at the railway station. It was night time and the night mail had also gone. Like my heart, the platform looked deserted and desolate. A few cabins were still open. I silently went towards a bench and sat there. I had never thought that my distance from religion would one day make me and my love so inferior. I was considering myself to be a very humble and low person. The Maulvi's words had snatched away from me the pride of my love. In the ominous silence of the night I felt myself to be the loneliest person in the world.