10 Chapter 10: Santos, Part 2

The rage runs through me as I think of what her dating means. She's so fucking beautiful. She's kind. She's generous. She's always putting others before herself. And some other asshole is going to see how great she is and sweep her off her feet.

I realize I'm stepping on the gas a little too hard and back my foot off. I'm so angry, but my kids are still in the car. I won't put them in danger.

Even if my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest.

When we get to the apartment, I make a decision. I can't talk to Mari about this. First of all, I don't know if it's true. Second, with how angry she still is at me, there is no way that conversation will go well. I don't want to fight with her about it in front of the kids. I want to grab her phone and smash it to pieces, but I won't do that either.

I knock once on the apartment door and the girls throw it open, barreling their way inside as they chatter about their day.

Mari greets them with a smile and tries to keep up with the conversation, responding appropriately whenever she can. She's so beautiful when she smiles at them. Just watching her quells a lot of my anger. Mari's always had that effect on me.

She looks up and catches my eye, noticing Theo asleep on my shoulder.

"Oh! How long has he been out?"

"He just fell asleep as I was pulling into the parking lot. It's the first he's slept all day."

She reaches for him. "I can go put him down."

"No, it's okay. I can put him down. Which room is he in?"

She blinks at me. I think she realizes that I've never seen where the kids sleep and it's just as jarring to her as the thought is to me.

"Um… the one at the very end of the hall. Straight ahead."

"Okay. I'll be right back. Don't let the girls fool you. They snacked a bit, but they didn't actually have lunch."

"Well let's go make some sandwiches," I hear her say as I walk down the hall. I find the crib easily enough, but when I walk in the room, my breath hitches when I see the queen-sized bed on the opposite wall. The bed is a mess, and it's obvious she still doesn't make it in the morning.

A longing like I haven't felt in a while consumes me. I want so badly to climb in it with her and just hold her, feel her snuggle up next to me and smell her all around me. I want to curve my body around hers and put my hand over her stomach, the stomach where my children lived before they were born. I want her scent all around me and her breath in my ear in the mornings. I want her.

Admittedly, I haven't been exactly celibate since Mari left me. I tried to stay away from other women at first, but a few times after I'd had a drink or two, I slipped up. Thing is, at the beginning of each encounter, it seemed almost normal. As soon as the orgasm would fade, though, the hatred for myself would kick in. Eventually, even a few drinks couldn't make sex worth it.

I snort in disgust at myself. It should never have been worth it. But, no. I'm a dumb ass who didn't figure that out until it was too late. Now all I have is memories of Mari instead of a future with her.

Turning away from the bed, I lay Theo down in his crib. He immediately tucks his knees under him, butt up in the air, just like both girls used to do. It makes me smile.

I wander back down the hallway and stop in the doorway of the girls' room. Their two twin beds are in the corner on perpendicular walls so their heads are together with a nightstand in between. Their small white dresser is on another wall. And of course, the giant doll house Myra got for Christmas last year.

"You haven't been in here before, have you?" Mari asks from behind me.

I shake my head, still looking around the room. Their beds aren't made either. I guess that runs in the family.

"I don't know how people do this, Mari." I turn to look at her. "I get to see them so much more than you're legally required to allow me, and it still guts me every time I leave. How do people not do this amicably for their kids? I don't get how people don't fight harder to be kind for their kids' sakes. I just don't get it."

She blows out a breath. "I think most men aren't as good at being a dad as you are."

Her words hit me right in the chest and make me want to puff out my chest a little more. Even if she hates me, she still thinks I'm a great dad. It's a small thing for her to say, but I take pride in it.

I look at the room once more. "Mari, I've been thinking."

She sighs, but I cut her off before she says anything.

"Just hear me out. It's not anything bad."

She crosses her arms. "Okay fine. What are you thinking about?"

"The kids are with you most of the time and you're crammed into this tiny apartment. There's nowhere for the kids to really play, and they're stuck inside all day.

"I don't need the house. It would be much more economical and make much more sense for you guys to live there. I can find an efficiency apartment since it's only me. But you need the house way more than I do."

She blows out a breath. "I don't want the house, Santos."

"It's not about wanting it, Mari. It's about space for the kids. Most of the furniture is there, we'd just have to move you guys back in. I'm sure I could have an apartment by next weekend - "

"You don't get it, Santos," she cuts me off. "I can't live in that house anymore."

"I… but it's the kids' home. It's where they came home from the hospital, and where we built a family. I don't need it as much as you do."

"Santos," she huffs and walks to one of the beds, plopping down and putting her face in her hands. "The memories there… yes, there are some great memories of the kids. But the rest of the memories, they're tainted now. I don't want to go into that bedroom. It reminds me that everything we had, everything we built our lives on was a lie."

I feel like I've been sucker punched, and I'm not even sure how to respond.

"It wasn't a lie to me." It may be the most honest thing I've said to her since this whole thing began. I made mistakes. Terrible, hurtful mistakes that I still don't even completely understand myself. But every day I woke up to them was the best day of my life. Now, now it's all just empty.

She looks up at me with those brown eyes I love so much and sighs. "I'm sorry, Santos. I know you're trying to be nice, and I really appreciate it. I really do. But for my own sanity, I just can't."

I dig my hands into my pockets so she doesn't see me clenching my fists. "I get it. It was just an idea," I retort, trying to save what little pride I have left in this situation. "Since you don't want it and I don't need it, should we put it on the market?"

She nods. "Yeah. I think that's probably for the best."

"Okay. I'll find a realtor this week and let you know what they say."

"I appreciate it."

Suddenly, I feel really awkward being in her apartment. In her space. I gesture over my shoulder.

"I'm, uh, gonna say goodbye to the girls and take off."

"Okay. Thanks for today. I know they had fun."

I look at her one last time before turning away. Every time I think we've taken a step forward, we take two steps back. It sucks.