What happens now?...

Hours passed since the the disclosure of the death of my grandmother. Numerous calls blew up my mom's phone as family members try to remember the "good old days". Even making funeral arrangements at most. I still don't understand how she died, why did she die? My mom began to look more and more depressed and paranoid than usually, wanting to be left alone. All people are thinking about is the will, and so is my mom. But grandma lost the house to grandpa's second wife and her apartment doesn't have much. It was very old and modest, just like her. It didn't take much for you to enjoy it.

But now that she's gone, it's as if my whole family hit the gold mine and want all of the remaining gold. Well whatever is left of it anyway... I sat at the kitchen table as mom continued her daily calls and check ins.

" Hey Amb's, you feeling ok honey? There's cereal in the pantry if you need it," This was the first time she's ever had a full conversation with me, but I spoke little words like yeah or sure instead of just being happy she's talking to me again.

"I'll be heading to school then mom," Walkin to the front door and grabbed my jacket, alongside my book bag, I headed out the door.

"Amber wait! Tell Beatrice's mom I said Hi,"

"Ok mom, I will!" I closed the door, hoping Beatrice won't read me when I get to her house, so that we can walk to school together(again). I hated the walk to her house, it wasn't far, but it wasn't close either. Walking past people who could enjoy the weather out here and cherish the people who haven't left them yet. This made me jealous.....envious a matter of fact, but I still kept right on moving.

"Amber!" She waved from the steps, she ran up and hug me. Her embrace made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so I let go due to impulse. She could really tell, still, that grandma's death took its toll on me. A lot has really and I just can't right now.

"Amb's , we can talk about this if you want..."

"II'm ggood,"I hid my face in my sweater, she could see my rosy cheeks still. I saw her smirk as she reached for my hand. I reluctantly grabbed it, hoping she wouldn't make things worse, but I digress.

"I heard what happened and I'm deeply sorry for you, I'm always here for you, ya know..," I didn't know how to answer that, I mean...should I?.....I just can't feel all these emotions at once and I just can't tell her how I feel. I tried once with the aid of grandma. But it's kinda embarrassing now since we're 8th graders and I miss her so much( my grandmother I mean).

"I know....but I just still can't believe it, she's dead and now everyone's acting different....,"

"Including you?" Beatrice scratched her head as she look at the sidewalk , hoping not to step on cracks.

"Have I changed that much to you?" I continued to look at her, wanting her to make eye contact with me. She lifted her head and stared in my eyes for a moment. My heart beat out of my chest before she spoke, could I be nervous or this anxious for her response?

"Yes, but I always still be here for you...," she saw the look of disappointment on my face with the same play on words as before. What was she hiding from me? Have I changed to the point of no return for her...Is it because of what I said earlier( well not today) about me telling her to forget about anything I said when I...

Kids rushed past us as our middle school building alluded over us, as if it was a giant castle hovering over us. Waiting for an eager adventurer to walk inside. Except the fact I talked to highly of my school. It's not bad, but castles are cooler than my school any day of the week. Beatrice tried to play off our conversation by reading my mind about my lingering thoughts about our "situation" before the passing with funny jokes about the kids that walked by with the new switches. But it didn't change the fact that she hiding how she feels about US, I mean me....

"Before we split up Bee, I forgot to past a message from my mom," it was awkward between us now that we're here.

"I'll past it on, bye Amb's" she sounded so cold and distant. My heart sank worst than when grandmother died. I watched her walk away in the other direction of the building as we entered different ways. I never felt any worse than when my mom stopped talking to me. Or when I kept to myself than tell Bee what's going on in our "friendship", if I can even call it that... She is kinda doing what I asked her to....To well and I miss her comfort than what I made her do to me now. I still miss our talks now more than ever. I feel guilty.....conflicted..... "Why do I worry more about our relationship than grandma's death" sinks in my mind as I reach my locker, tears rolling down my eyes as I come to realize the things I miss the most aren't the things that are gone, but the things close around me.....