1 Prologue
Prologue
Silas,
By the time you read this, I'll be gone.
The very notion stirs butterflies in my gut. I never thought it would come to this; saying goodbye, much less saying it in such a fashion. But I could never face you, see the anguish in your eyes and know I was its cause. I suppose I've taken the coward's way out. But you are my weakness, your tears, the quiet siren's song that draws me hurtling towards you, again and again. This is for the best. For both of us.
Do not think that I do not love you. I love you too much.
Adrian
**
Adrian,
Do you remember the first day we met? We were at the park. Me with flowers in my hair and you, I picture sitting on that old park bench, the ivy running rampant and you with that god-awful jacket wrapped tight around you like it was the dead of winter and not late spring. You said you were cold, always so cold. I didn't understand it then, but I do now.
We are young, you and I, that's what my mother said to me last night. I have my whole life to get over you. To forget you. To find a new love. She wiped my tears, like you have done so many times before and she smiled, leaning into me and whispered that she did not much care for you, anyway. I knew she was lying, a bit of misplaced levity, as you are like a son to her.
You are cold, just as you say, to leave me, to leave us so.
As you say, I love you, know I love you more.
Please call me so we may talk.
With all my love,
Silas
**
Silas,
I'm so sorry. I don't dare call. I've not the strength for it. The doctors say it's just a matter of weeks, now. They're constantly asking me if I have someone; someone I can lean on. I can only think what a burden, as you would be my one and only call.
I can hear you, now, telling me how selfish I'm being. Only thinking of myself. You were always saying that and most times, it was true.
I was selfish. Especially when it came to you. I hated sharing your attention. But I would not have your attention in this, though it pains me.
This is for the best. I couldn't abide having you see me like this.
Forgive me this one last moment of selfishness.
Adrian
***
Adrian,
You keep saying this is for the best. Are you trying to convince yourself? I am not convinced. As you love me, please come home to me. Let me be selfish, this once.
I found that jacket, shoved back in the closet. You told me you had given it to Goodwill. I found it and burst into tears, laughing simultaneously. It was the scent: your cologne, your body wash that smells of summer; coconut and vanilla, and you: it smelled like you. I pulled it on and wore it most of the day. I fell asleep with it on and dreamed of Maine.
Remember Stonehouse? Ellie's parents rented it winter break our Freshmen year at Fairweather College and we holed up in that little nook with the ocean view and pretended it was just the two of us against the world. We were our own little secret. It was the first time you told me you loved me. I kissed you and we laughed thinking how scandalized my parents would be. Not their son. They would most certainly disown me for sure.
Please come home. Don't be alone in this. Let me be with you. I love you.
Silas
****
Silas,
My situation requires me to allow the nurse to read your letters and she has been kind enough to write out my reply. I can't see to read or write.
The only boon to this sudden blindness is that I see you constantly; in my mind's eye. Your smile; how your eyes sparkle when you are happy. I yearn to hear you laugh just as you did when I professed my love to you. I see the morning sunrise off the ocean blue more clearly now than when we watched it from that little nook you so loved. You shine more gloriously than any sunrise I have ever seen.
The nurse has insisted that I inform you of the operation. The chances, she says, are very slim that I should survive the procedure. She has declared it my last and only hope. The tumor is prodigious, her words, not mine.
You know how I am with words: I hear prodigious and think prodigal and suddenly I've the parable of the prodigal son invading my thoughts. You were my early inheritance and now I am destitute, and you would readily accept me back with open arms, despite the cruelty of my departure. However, I will not die in your arms. That is how much I love you.
Always
Adrian
*****
Adrian,
As I read your letter again, my hope blossoms. It has been many weeks since your last letter. I refuse to confess my worst fear.
You promised me forever and I'm holding you to that promise.
I cannot get Dylan Thomas out of my head; how my words echo his sentiment. Rage my love, rage and do not go gentle.
Silas
******
Mr. Silas Reid,
I am not writing on behalf of Mr. Lockhart in this matter and ask that you forgive my intrusion. I must admit I am deeply conflicted; my reluctance in part due to Mr. Lockhart's wishes that I not reveal the results of the procedure, no matter the outcome. Not to speak ill, but Mr. Lockhart was one of the most obstinate patients.
He and I spoke quite often during his stay here and he confided a great deal. His loneliness was quite burdensome and his regret at leaving you, great. Notwithstanding his father's willingness to provide the best of medical treatment, neither parent visited nor provided emotional support to their son.
I've enclosed a photo, something he cherished, of the two of you at Stonehouse, the rocky cliffs, the roiling ocean and the two of you small against the world as he so described it. I apologize for its condition, but towards the end, the pain he endured was great and his grip was iron.
As I mentioned earlier, Mr. Lockhart is extremely stubborn and as such, despite the slimmest of chances for his survival, I am elated to inform you that the procedure was successful. His convalescence will be a difficult and long road and I firmly believe he will need someone at his side if he is to prevail. Despite his insistence that his parents will be at his side, I fear he wishes to endure his rehabilitation alone.
I do not regret this betrayal of his confidence for in this instance I believe there has never been a stronger testament of love being able to overcome all obstacles.
I wish you both well.
Louisa Trident
*******
Dear Louisa,
I cannot find the words to express my gratitude, however, know that I am forever indebted for all you did for Adrian.
I feel obligated to update you on his condition and continuing recovery. He admits to occasional bouts of pain and dizziness, but as you informed him, it is to be expected. My insistence of daily activity incurs a bit of wrath and I often wonder if your ears are burning when he rails of your betrayal; though it is evident that he rails against my arduous persistence and not you. His strength returns with each passing day.
His sight has returned, or at least a degree of it. The first time he caught glimpse of the ocean, his smile was grandiose and most mornings we share in those glorious sunrises.
Despite his lack of correspondence, be assured that he is grateful for ALL your efforts. You were a veritable nightingale during his darkest days.
Thank you with all my heart.
Silas
