Chapter 26
Tyler and I walk in silence, and it looks like the girls are too. Well, not really. The girls are ahead of us and between them and us, there are Savannah, Ava and Jane in complete silence.
"So, going back to the mighty Universe, favourite astral body?" Tyler asks. Jesus, if he brings this up I'll go on for hours.
"Nebulas. Definitely. I could stare at one for years and not get bored. Not even for a fraction of a second."
"Nebulas are beautiful. Though I prefer the BOSS structure." I totally understand. The BOSS Great Wall is one of the wonders of the Universe, it leaves you enchanted.
"Oh God, that's like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. After the Eye Of God."
"You kind of remind me of the Eye Of God."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Nothing, I've always seen myself in it." And it's true. I may have a million insecurities, but the Eye Of God is the thing that's most me, but at the time something more. Something divine, the name a perfect fit. It's the greatness of the Universe all put in two light years and a half. The Earth-sized star emanating a delicate blue hue, that then bursts into gold and red flames, the lights of other stars dancing around it. It truly is magical. Once I asked a friend of mine to write a piece with 'floating in space' as a theme, and I believe that piece really belongs to the Eye Of God.
"I wish I could see it in real life. Like, imagine how cool it'd be to see something so big and beautiful with your own eyes?" Sometimes I like to imagine myself in space, spinning, watching it from afar. Then I get nearer and nearer and I get to be inside it, see every little detail. It's my little world, my bubble, and no one can touch it. Sometimes I listen to Yuri!!! On Ice while imagining that instead. Even if it's completely different from the piece my friend composed, it still fits perfectly. Other times I think that anime theme describes me more, the real me, without the divine. But then, I don't think there could be anything that beautiful that could describe me. I think it describes the kind of person I would like to be, which doesn't make much sense, because I think that if we want to be someone, someone who is only in our head, not someone real, not a fictional character, someone entirely created by ourselves, that's our real us. That's the real person we are and we just need that little push to reveal it, though it may be hard.
Tyler just nods in agreement.
"Guys, what if we went to the beach?" One of the girls ahead of us screams, I think her name's Ally but I'm not sure. I just nod after hearing a roar of happiness coming from behind. I always wondered how guys could have nice voices but sound like cavemen in a group.
We decide to take the subway. Savannah darts in as soon as the doors open and finds a seat. I follow next to her because I don't really know anyone except for her and Tyler, who stayed behind to chat with the guys. The doors close again, all of us crammed into a tiny train, me standing in front of Savannah and with my face in someone's armpit. Why do I always end up in armpits when I'm in trains or buses?
"May I propose my lap again, m'lady?" Savannah says, looking at me in the eyes, a grin on her face. I roll mine and sit. I kind of feel awkward, but exited too. I don't know, I don't want to do anything embarrassing, but I am literally sitting on Savannah Petroli's lap. Like, a few months ago I would have laughed in the person's face if someone told me what's happening right now. Sometimes I forget that so many people in Italy want to be in my position. Most times I forget that she's actually Savannah Petroli and not Sav. Well, I mean she still is Sav, but my mind can't wrap itself around the idea that she's the same girl who was famous just a few years ago.
We arrive, Savannah and I have stayed in silence all the trip. She's weirdly solitary since Tyler. Her and her mood swings, again. While we walk I ask her "Why the long face?"
"I don't have a long face." She says, not even bothering to look at me.
"Pff, yeah." We keep on staying in silence, side by side, away from the group. We get to a Poké place, which is one of my favourite foods. I order a salmon one with avocado and edamame. I ask the lady if she can remove the algae. We then walk to the public beach and light a fire, since it's dark. Some guy got a guitar from home before, since it was on the way here, and now he's playing it. Some of the guys ate while coming here, him included. The rest of us decided to wait. We laugh and sing along, and for the first time since I got here, I don't feel like I'm considered weird. I feel okay. And it's probably the best feeling I've had in years around people.
Why have I always been like this? Why have I always been different from what I actually am? So many times I've promised myself that from that day on it would have been different, but everything keeps being the same. The same old fake me. He same old irrational fears. The same old hateful hurt. Just why? Always that feeling when I imagine living with myself, that feeling, like something trying to suffocate my guts. Like it's ripping my heart out with its bare hands while slowly crashing my skull. I usually think I can't take it, and I really can't. But I can't risk it, not here, not now.
"You ok?" Savannah asks, nudging me.
"Huh? Me? Yeah, why?" I answer, confused.
"Nothing, just looks like you're having bad thoughts." And just like that I understand that I am myself, at least in front of one person. Just like that I snap out of it, I smile, and continue singing along.