IF IM ONLY DREAMING

CHAPTER ONE

Sometimes I wished that my death was permanent.

Not a recurring event I experienced every night while I slept, and not something I dreaded every day as the sun disappeared. But death didn't seem to want to take me as easily, even though I was constantly in its cold grasp.

I was conscious long before I was awake and for what seemed like eternity, my mind wandered through that hell as I laid paralyzed on my bed, staring up at my ceiling. My breaths were shallow and my whimpers soft in the quiet darkness that was my bedroom as the coldness of paralysis left my hand. I dug into the flesh of my thigh, pulling myself out of the nightmare.

Night had been like this for as long as I remembered; twelve years of nightmares that seemed more like reality than real life did. Some nights I woke screaming at the top of my lungs, clawing at my skin; trying to rid myself of the nightmare's hold on me. Others, I found myself a few feet above my bed, floating along with every light object in my room, my back arched at a painful angle as my limbs fell limp to my sides ;broken. Most nights were like this; my body pinned down with invisible shackles as I was forced to rewatch every scene over and over.

But every night... every single night was a variant of the same dream that plagued my sleep since I was six — the same blood filled streets, the same throne of corpses and bone, the same demons devouring my city. And every night, I wake in cold sweat, suffocating from the tears that refused to fall– and every night I prayed that they'd stop. But they never did and I stopped praying.

The Schadeux seemed to crawl to me, sensing I was awake, their bodies forming out of the darkness of the room and I quickly fumbled for the light switch beside my bed. Pale light illuminated my red walls and the Schadeux shrunk away, clinging to the shadows.

They had always been with me, doing nothing but watching, but still they unnerved me. I didn't like knowing that I was always being watched, I didn't like it at all. I had tried speaking to them on many occasions but they never replied; they only spoke at the times when my emotions got the better of me and even then only in inaudible whispers that I couldn't understand, so I grew to ignore them. I tried to.

The night crept through the slit between the curtains of my bedroom window, giving me an unwanted view of the trees that moved eerily in the soft breeze outside. I laid with my hands folded on my stomach, holding on tightly to my stuffed bear as I tried to rest my tired mind, but I couldn't fall back asleep like most nights where the early morning hours were where I got dream-less sleep.

I only rose from my bed when my bladder protested and I couldn't hold it anymore and was seconds away from bursting. Somehow the dreams became worse in recent months, though I didn't think that could've been possible. They came more frequently, not once, maybe thrice a week like I was accustomed to, now they came every freaking day. I was surviving mainly on coffee and determination because I sure as hell wasn't getting enough sleep to carry me throughout the day.

I walked on tired feet to my mother's room, a habit I found myself doing these past few weeks after every nightmare; desperate to see that she was safe after seeing her corpse so vividly a few minutes before. I found comfort in my mother; in her warm brown eyes that were identical to mine and in her slightly callused hands that she ran through my hair while she sang me to sleep when I was little, or on the days that she knew I was seriously down.

Her room was still shrouded in darkness, but I made out her curled form on the bed. Her honey locks, which I didn't inherit, was strewn across her pillow, her body tense even in rest. I always envied her golden hair, how she embodied a lion with her wild mane while I was stuck with my darker curls. She looked fast asleep, but I knew she would wake even at the slightest noise, her body springing into action to protect. I crawled in slowly beside her, snuggling into her warmth and she drew me closer.

Her voice was still thick with sleep, her slight accent slightly marred by fatigue. Her brown slender hand took my smaller gloved ones in a firm but comforting grasp." Hey, sweet girl. "

"Mama... " I sighed and wrapped my arms around her, and it didn't take long for sleep to grasp me within the safety of my mother.

She was gone when I woke again. I had frantically felt for her in my sleep, and when I couldn't find her I awoke with a start, but the sounds coming from the tv in the living room kept my anxiety at bay. I wanted to catch whatever bit of sleep I could have, but the light streaming in from her windows made it impossible to do so.

I groaned as I rose from the bed, cursing the sun for being so damn bright and the curtains for being so freaking thin.

"Ma!" I called as I made my way to the living room, stifling a yawn into my sleeve. "Can't you invest in some better curtains?"

She was sprawled on the sofa with her thick blanket around her legs, a mug of cocoa in her hands , her wild hair tied back in a bun that couldn't contain some of her stubborn strands. Her already youthful face looked younger when she smiled up at me. "What's wrong with my curtains? They're my alarm."

" That's the problem, " I sank down next to her, stealing some of her cover and warmth. "I can't get any sleep with that thing, put an alarm on your phone like a normal person."

"You know, if you slept in your own bed instead of taking up all of my space my curtains won't bother you." She offered me her cup, the steam warmed my face as I took a sip and I glared at her from over the rim of the mug.

"Why are you acting like you don't love my cuddles?"

"I like my sleep more." Her light expression fell slowly as she took her drink from me, her eyes darker with worry. "Was it worse than the night before?"

I nodded, and she pulled me in with her free hand. The other night had been a spectacle; I had forgotten to put my gloves on before I went to bed, and when the nightmares came there was nothing protecting me from myself. When mom had finally managed to shake me awake, slivers of skin was stuck to the undersides of my retracting nails and blood covered my sheets.

"Why don't you sleep in my room until this eases?"

"What about your sleep that you love so much?" I said, half-jokingly. I didn't want to keep her up more than I knew I already did. It wasn't fair.

Nothing about this was fair.

She placed a soft kiss on my forehead and her lips were warm from her tea. "I love you more."

I squeezed her softly in thanks and rested my head on her lap. "Are you off work today?"

" No, I have the night shift." Night shifts meant she wouldn't be around when I woke up, I'd be alone with the dark and my thoughts and the Schadeux .

" Oh."

"You can call Drea if you want, or Rae, if she's busy."

I turned so that I was staring up at her, my eyebrows tight with confusion. "Since when am I allowed to have guys over unsupervised?"

Her smile came back in full force now. "Since my baby is turning eighteen in three weeks! You still haven't told me what you want, by the way. I mean, if you don't have anything in mind that's fine by me. I need gifts too."

"Actually," I sat up, pulling at the skin at the side of my nails as I contemplated how I should start. "There is something that I really, really want."

" I'm not getting you a horse, Soli."

I laughed. It was uneasy and strained and I could tell she noticed by the way her eyebrow pulled upward slightly. "I'm not asking for a horse this time; I want to see them, Ma. It's been long enough."

" We can keep the horse in the living room, but I'm not cleaning any horse shit."

"Mom, I'm serious."

"So am I. The answer is no." Her eyes were relentless with her words, her mind already made up before she thought it over.

"With all due respect, it wasn't a question." I studied her face carefully as the words left my lips so I saw the moment when shock rippled across her features. I had never rebelled, there was never any reason to, but this, this I couldn't let go of.

"Excuse me?"

I cleared my throat and started again. " It wasn't a question. I want to see them, and I plan to."

My mother sighed and placed her mug on the coffee table. She didn't meet my eyes for a while as she tried to calm herself, and I was grateful because I didn't have to see the hurt that I knew was in them. Telling me no was just as hard for her as it were for me to ask. " I don't think that's a good idea Soli. "

She took my silence as another act of defiance, though I was just thinking. I knew that it was a bad idea, I knew it fully and I wanted it anyway.

"Do you not remember why we're here, Solaure? It's not safe, for us , or for them. He's still out there. "

" I know. I know, but we're never really safe as long as he's alive and I would like to see them before it's too late. Can't we just be unsafe together?"

I saw that the look on her face hadn't changed so I sighed and stood. "I just wanted you to know that I had plans to visit, ma. I was hoping you would 've come, but I guess I'll be going on my own. "

There was fury in her eyes now, pure condensed fury, and it scared me because she had never been this mad at me before and I didn't know what to do with that rage. " You are not going anywhere Solaure, and just like you didn't deem it fit to consult with me before you made your decision and then say I have no choice on the matter, you have no choice as well. You're staying your ass here, with us, where it's as safe as we'll ever get as long as he's alive. How long do you think it's going to be after you leave these wards before he's tracked you down? He's got eyes everywhere , and you're not going to risk your life and everything we've sacrificed now. So no; that's the answer you didn't ask for but you're getting it anyway."

The front door burst open and I reached for my dagger that wasn't there. All this talk about Him had put me further on the edge I was already leaning on but I relaxed instantly,releasing a deep sigh.

Aunt-Drea strolled in with both her hands full, one with a large box, the other with a crate of three coffees. Blue hair the colour of her eyeliner rimmed eyes fell to her slender waist in strands that moved even when she had stopped walking, an indication of the power she held. Her blue eyebrows knitted together when she saw us, no doubt sensing the energy in the room like Warlocks did. " What did I walk in on? "

I wiped my eyes and shrugged, glancing at my mother whose eyes hadn't left me. She was right, of course she was. I was bait the moment I left the confines of Aunt-Drea's wards and concealment . "Nothing, Aunt-Drea. Are those doughnuts? "

"It doesn't look like nothing, but I see you're trying to change the subject, so yes they are." She walked over to the kitchen, eyeing us both silently and placed the stuff on the island before handing me one.

"What's the occasion?" I asked. "That's a lot of doughnuts. "

Aunt-Drea sipped her coffee and her face scrunched up in disgust. "This is why I don't try new things. Disgusting." She sat the paper cup on the counter, sending a death glare at its contents before turning her attention back to us, her face more sullen than how it was a few seconds ago.

"We have a long day ahead Soli, so you're going to need the sugar. There's whispers throughout the bar that Creatures have been going missing again. "

"What?" Mom's eyes widened, and behind her brown eyes flickered...anger? Fear? I wasn't sure, but it bothered me.

"Yeah. A customer said he hadn't been seeing a homeless man that he passed by everyday, and that's how the conversation came up. He said he went to the shelter where the man stayed and it was closed down and barricaded, though it had been up and running a few days before. Apparently Creatures have been going missing as well, particularly people you wouldn't notice were gone, you know? They're speculating that it's some kind of cult."

My doughnut tried to crawl it's way back up to my throat. "A cult? "

My mom nodded. " It wouldn't be the first time a cult formed around sacrificing and killing Creatures. If it's done to humans, what's us?"

Aunt-Drea sighed and clasped my shoulder. " Soli things aren't safe right now, I know you can hold your own and that you'll put up a good fight, but you need control. We need to work on that before you're in a situation that depends on it."

My mother caught my eyes and she spoke without even saying a word.

'See, Soli , it's not safe out there,' they seem to say as they bored into mine.

' Its not safe anywhere, mama.' I replied.

I took longer than necessary in the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and changed into my workout clothes but after, I just sat on the cold tiles and let my mind take me away to a place where peace wasn't just an empty idea.

"More!" Aunt-Drea deflected my strike and rolled on the mat. The blast of energy hit the wall where she stood not a moment before, charring the white paint and adding to the dozen or so similar ones lining the walls.

We had converted the basement into a makeshift gym when we bought the house, and worn equipment now filled the room from continuous use. Mom sat on a chair at the corner of the room, examining my progress with scrutiny, her glaive still drawn from when we sparred earlier and her skin glistened with sweat. Her arms were exposed from her tank top, revealing the black inkings of a lion that covered her right hand from her wrist to her shoulder – her Mark.

I hadn't gotten my Mark yet, which was infuriating because Décalthians get theirs by twelve. I was almost eighteen, yet my animhi hadn't claimed me. I had the same pointed ears and delicate features of my mother, but an unknown bloodline also ran through my veins; my father's. I didn't know what type of Creature he was; ma never told me, but he certainly wasn't Décalthian . If he were I would've been more like my mother and less like a ticking bomb.

We had been going at it for the past four hours, only stopping a few minutes at a time for a drink of water and a little sugar break that kept me from collapsing. Black strands of fire flowed in the spot above my palms, knotting and uncoiling like snakes and I willed it to be larger, breathed life into it until it grew and sent it hurdling in Aunt-Drea's direction. She deflected my attack with wisps of green that swallowed my fire.

"Better, " She hummed in approval, "but more!"

I groaned and rolled, coming up on one knee and extending both my hands. Streams of black rushed towards her, snaking its way through the room. They surrounded and followed her as she moved, but she was quick; deflecting every strike, every attack— all but one. One of the cords struck her arm and she faltered. I called to them and they came rushing back to me, dispersing into my body and I wiped the sweat from my forehead.

Aunt-Drea looked down at her arm which was torn from the bone and gushing blood, but healing quickly, a satisfied smile on her face. " That was great, you actually managed to land a fatal blow this time. Again. "

I tightened the strings on my singed sweats and re-tied my hair. I was practically bouncing on my heels from newfound excitement. I felt the adrenaline coursing throughout my body and fueling the frustration that I had been putting into my attacks.

She drew both hands in a wide arc, and the wisps were back again. With every attack, I deflected, keeping on the defense and waiting for an opening. Something came over me then; my movements became sharper, quicker, I deflected more, landed more hits— I didn't know what it was, but it felt like a sort of clarity. My eyes closed on their own accord, and when they opened again they felt alight, and I tried something I hadn't done in months. I focused on the spot behind Aunt-Drea; where her shadow was reflected on the wall, and I sunk into my own. There was a moment of absolute darkness before I resurfaced behind her, my dagger at her throat, and replacing her shadow.

Mom's glaive fell from its position on her lap as she flew up, her hands clasped over her mouth, but I still saw the grin consuming her face.

I saw Aunt-Drea's back tense, then loosen and her shoulders shook with laughter. "Now we're done. "

I dropped to the floor in exhaustion and groaned. " I need a shower but I'm convinced my limbs will fall off if I move. "

She took up her water and guzzled it down, draining the bottle in seconds. " You did good today but update me on how you feel later."

"Sure." I already felt the ghost of a migraine creeping into my skull but I ignored the familiar throb and helped her finish bandage the closing wound. "What are you doing today?"

She winced softly as I tied the cloth and I apologized quickly before placing a quick kiss on her cheek. "I'm heading back to the bar; see if I can find out more about the whole situation. "

Mom straightened with the mention of the new potential risk to add to our pile. " Keep us posted."

My phone was ringing when I entered my room and I got to it just before the song cut off. " Hey Rae, I was just about to call you. "

"Were you really?" Rae's voice held a tone of disbelief on the other side of the phone.

"Yes, I was. You act as if I don't call."

"Because you don't," he scoffed, but I heard the smile in his voice. "Did I catch you at a bad time? You sound out of breath."

" No. I just finished a workout. " The lie came easily since it was practically the truth, and I took a few seconds to think if I had the courage to spend the night alone. No matter how much I liked Rae, I hated asking people for anything; you never know what they were thinking behind their smile, but my nightmares got the best of me and I gave in. "What are you doing later? "

"I've got no plans, why? Are you offering to cure my boredom?"

"That's exactly why I called actually, mama's got the night shift and you're always up for food, so I'm thinking pizza and movies? " Please say yes, Rae. You'd be saving my life without even knowing.

He took longer than I expected to answer and I started to worry. "I don't know... We're gonna be all alone and I don't trust you. "

" I'm rolling my eyes and gagging just so you know, " I could help the smile that tugged at my lips or the relief that surged through me.

" I know, I felt your 'disgust' through the phone."

" I'll see you around five Rae. " I threw the phone on the bed and stripped out of my sweaty clothes and stepped into the cold shower. A bruise was already fading on my side where mom had hit me earlier during practice, along with others peppered around my body. It ached to walk but it would pass by the end of the day like they always did.

Mom was already dressed in her work attire when I made my way back downstairs and Aunt-Drea was nowhere to be found. " I thought you were leaving around six, it's only four-thirty. "

"I know, but the hospital called and they're understaffed so they want me to get down there. " She pulled her hair into a sleek-ish bun and piled her stuff hurriedly into her purse.

I sat on the arm of the chair, sinking further into my disappointment. "So you're leaving now?"

She nodded as she slipped on her black heels and I picked at my cuticles; I couldn't let her leave without apologizing. "I'm sorry... about earlier. "

She walked towards me, pulling me into a short hug. " Don't. I'm sorry that this is the way it has to be. Drea and I miss them too, you know? "

"I know." Of course I did, and it was selfish of me to act as if it were otherwise.

She brushed a damp curl away from my face, studying me for a while before she sighed heavily, losing whatever internal battle she had going on with herself. "How about for your birthday we go on a little trip?"

I perked up a little bit; I couldn't remember the last time we had a vacation but we moved constantly so that had to count for something. "Where? "

" I was thinking we're supposed to have family who we haven't seen in years. "

The moment the words left her lips I shrieked and wrapped my arms around her once more. "What made you change your mind?"

"I miss them too."

The grocery was scarcely filled when I entered, only a few customers scattered here and there. Mom had dropped me off on her way to work after we realized that there was nothing to entertain company with. I couldn't help the extra skip in my step as I walked through the aisles, tossing snacks and whatever groceries we had ran out of at home into the cart, because I was elated. I hadn't felt this excited in too long.

My hands froze on the bag of chips when I felt it— that tingling at the back of my neck; the feeling of eyes trailing your every movement. I was accustomed to eyes on me, watching, observing, trying to figure out what I was– something I didn't know myself, but the eyes I felt on me felt different than the curious gazes I got all the time; it felt wrong.

I looked around the aisle of the store, but no one suspicious was there— only a few kids shoving stuff into their basket , but then again you couldn't even trust children; not in the world I lived in. My fingers itched to grab the dagger I kept hidden in my boots, but it would be foolish of me to swoop down to grab the blade and alert whatever it was that I was aware of its presence, so I dropped the bag as naturally as possible and pretended to pick it up. I grasped the cool hilt of the weapon— and the feeling was gone, vanished, just like that, and the children were still there.

A bit of tension left my shoulders and I loosened the grip on the blade, quickly making my way to the register.

The cashier was a man about forty, though his receding hairline and red-rimmed eyes made him appear older. He peered at me when I approached, giving me a sly smile which I ignored and started to pack the stuff I got on the counter. He made a big production of scanning the items slowly, looking up at me every once in a while.

I didn't have time for this. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"None at all darling. You're just way too beautiful to be scowling so much. You should smile more." His fingers brushed mine slowly as he handed me my change and my knuckles clenched.

"Oh, okay." I took my bags and flashed him my fangs as prettily as I could. The color drained from his face, his eyes bulging from their sockets as he gaped at me. I grabbed onto his sweaty shirt and pulled him close, speaking so only he heard. "Touch me– or anyone without permission again and I'll shove your hands so far up your ass that you'll be speaking sign language. "

I gave him my most charming smile, but the eyes trailing me dimmed my sense of victory.

Rae was walking up the stairs to my porch when I stepped out of the cab, his hands occupied by boxes of pizza.

"Hey," He turned to the sound of my voice, a warm smile spreading across his face. "You're punctual. "

" I was bored. You called, and I'm here." He raised the boxes in his hand. " And I brought the pizza. "

"I see that. " I squeezed past him to open the door quickly but the key fumbled with my shaking fingers. "I was going to order it, you know."

" It was on my way. You okay, Soli? You look more worried than usual, and you usually look really worried. " His bright eyes studied me. The wind picked up, ruffling his short, silver hair that stood out against the deep blue of his skin.

"I'm fine Rae, really." But as I said that, and we stepped inside, I swore I saw flashes of black as I closed the door. I twisted the lock and and activated the sigil engraved into the wood just in case something was actually wrong and I wasn't just being paranoid.

He sank down into the couch and opened the box, rubbing his hands together before he took a slice and turned to me after he took a bite. " Where's Drea?"

"At the bar. Apparently Creatures have been going missing so she's trying to get a lead."

"Yeah I heard about that. Is that why you're so on edge today?"

I just nodded. It was easier than the truth; that a cult was the least of my problems.

"So we're breaking up and you're moving away." Rae's voice held amusement and a hint of sadness as I broke the news to him. We were sprawled on the couch, my legs thrown over his longer ones, the movie long forgotten in the background.

"Who said anything about a breakup?"

" I'm not the guy for long distance Soli..."

"You're right, our relationship was on the rocks anyway, it was only a matter of time. "

Rae threw back his head as he laughed and the blue of his face darkened. " You're ridiculous."

The sun had set hours ago and Rae was the only thing keeping my anxiety at bay; I felt like storm clouds were brewing even though the sun had shone the entire day . We had binged an entire series and all but ran through the snacks, now I was full and tired but I refused to sleep no matter how heavy my eyes were feeling at the moment.

Rae took my hand and held on to it, placing it on my thigh. A pair of clear eyes flashed in my memory and I eased my hand out of his and ran it through my hair.

His yellow eyes bored into mine and they were sad. I'd never seen Raegan sad and I didn't like the way it made me feel. " I'll miss you, you know? "

I took his hand this time and his fingers tightened around mine. "You can visit... Or you can come?"

He smiled, but it didn't reach all the way to his eyes. " I should get going, "

I tightened my hold on his hand before he slipped his out of mine. "Stay... Please? For tonight." I never begged, but I was desperate. That feeling I got at the store bothered me a lot and I didn't want to be alone with it.

He shook his head but didn't let go of my hand. "Soli, It's already after ten and I have to work an early shift tomorrow. "

"You can leave from here; my place is closer to the coffee shop anyways. Please."

He sank back into the couch and I threw him a genuine smile, the one the cashier wanted. "But on one condition . "

My smile dimmed a bit; I didn't like ultimatums. "What condition? "

Rae turned his face to me. Something shone in those eyes of his that I couldn't quite decipher. "Let me take you out tomorrow night."

I tried to stay neutral . When I moved here I promised myself no connections I'd have to break when we moved again, then I met Rae, and he became my best and only friend since my first move, and I had tried my best to keep it that way because it was messy to leave broken hearts while running from myself and my demons.

"Okay." I cursed myself, and hoped that the Goddess forgave my infidelity.