Amson, 18, "That Forsaken Name"

"Hey, bruv..." CQ tapped me with that lazy hand. "Oi..."

Sitting in the back of that black van, everyone was crammed together, filling the otherwise spacious bed. Besides the constant chatter from CQ, all was at a calm, though a very moist one. As the van hummed silently, Deuce and Ty sat, minding their own, individual businesses, and I curled inward, trying to make sense of it all. 

My arms wrapped around my knees, my hands tied together in a ever-mutating knot; two solemn handfuls of my own. The last, fleeting feelings of my bike handles were meshed together, my subconscious trying to make due with whatever time I might have left of the sensation. It was a constantly uncomfortable feeling, never truly resting and, unfortunately, often abruptly interrupted.

CQ found every button to press in order to annoy me, waving, shaking, and prodding at me, alone. I struggled not to lose the concentration within my head as he constantly flicked and jittered at me, trying his best to accomplish... something. 

"Why won't you answer me, bruv--" CQ began.

"You're a prick, C!" Fuckbelt yelled from the driver's seat. "Stop fucking with him-- god!"

"But I wasn't--" CQ tried. 

"SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP." Fuckbelt reaffirmed sternly. "That entire situation was your fucking fault! If you would've just left the motherfucker alone, none of us would've been in this situation!"

CQ seemed on the verge of tears, but Deuce promptly came to his aid. 

"I think it's best you hold back whatever jokes you've got for him." Deuce said. "He's hasn't been in the joking mood, as of recently."

CQ looked at me, the tone of his voice changing. 

"I'm sorry, mate." CQ said. "I... got carried away--"

Fuckbelt hooted from the driver's seat once more. 

"Carried away is rich..." He paused for a few seconds, thinking to himself. "And where the hell am I going?!"

Ty finally hopped to his feet, ducking as he navigated towards the passenger seat. 

"I got a good spot we can just chill." Ty said. "I'm sure we can figure out something once we're there."

I finally raised my head, taking a deep breath in and out. There was no need for me to continue wallowing, anymore. I thought, maybe, returning to some semblance of normalcy might help me figure out how I was going to muster up the courage to tell my parents, if at all. 

There was no way of hiding the fact that my bike was gone, but maybe, subverting their attention until I was more mentally prepared for their response was the only, logical option. 

"Hey." I said, grasping hold of CQ's thin attention. "You wanted to say something, man?"

"Don't worry about it no more, bruv." He looked away from me. "Just thought I recognized you, is all."

Recognized me? I looked onto CQ's face once more, this time seeping into his dejected expression. It was clear to me that I'd never met the guy before today, but maybe...

"Where've you been around Coccinelle, C?" Deuce interrupted my thoughts. "Feels like I never get the chance to crack with you anymore."

"Crackin', crackin'-- All you do is crack your gums around the pit, anywho." CQ laughed. "I've been around, lad. Prolly caught me with a glance or two through the rough."

"But, how's university, man?" Deuce pushed CQ lightly on the shoulder for teasing him. "That's gotta be eatin' up your time."

I swiftly interjected: He didn't strike me as older. If he's been going to Dame Coccinelle regularly, as he implies, there's only one place within reasonable distance-- unless the guy's been paying hundreds to fuck around a skatepark all afternoon. 

"You're in college already?" I asked, as if from reflex. "E.G.U1?"

"Uh huh." He grinned all savvy. "Place's a fuckin' whore hut, if anythin'. Feel like I ain't learned a damn thin's worth, bruv."

I laughed, knowing my response. 

"My sister's in the lot, man." I joked. "I feel you."

"Oh, you lads haven't seen the half of it." He scooched closer to us, issuing a makeshift huddle of sorts. "Listen to me, lads. The toilet's fuckin' busted, so I go out for a walk, see. I'm walking all merry and shit-- whistling and shit, tappin' my damn feet, lads..."

I scoffed a bit, but he continued. 

"Last thing on my fuckin' mind, bruv..." He started. "I'm pissin'-- full stream-- an' out of the corner of my eye, I see these fuckin' devils, breedin' like fuckin' rabbits, bruv."

Deuce and I bust in laughter, imagining the scene along with him. CQ sat there with that grin on his face, rubbing under his nose as the both of us came to our senses. I needed that, a natural belly laugh that filled the entire van with immediate noise, and with Deuce's hyena squeal in the mix, it was nearly deafening. 

"Oh, god..." Fuckbelt groaned at the wheel. "My head-- shit..."

///

"Here we are, gentlemen." Ty presented. "The coziest place in this fucking cesspool of a city."

We stood along the side of a cliff, the cliff that Ty and I'd spoken near those weeks ago. He was right: the space has a cozy, lo-fi air about it, putting one at ease. The light of the sun was still bright yet dissipating at a perceivable rate. It wouldn't be too long before the sun began to set. 

Fuckbelt and CQ smiled, checking the place out. 

"You're right." Fuckbelt said. "I think I wouldn't mind studying in a quiet spot like this."

It seemed like something sparked within Deuce's mind, and he walked toward Fuckbelt, laptop in hand. 

"Speaking of studying, you're probably going to want this around." He said. 

"Of course, man." He spoke with a grateful tone. "Thank you guys for holding on to it."

He looked around before projecting his voice to everyone.

"So, what's the plan?" Fuckbelt asked, folding his arms. "I can't drive every which way for ya'll, you know that."

"We should discuss it now, while the sun's still out, lads." CQ suggested. "So long as we can see ourselves, at the very least."

"Then we've got all the time in the world." Ty boasted confidently. "Place gets an extra thirty-so minutes of light cause of the elevation."

"Is that how it works?" Deuce asked, confused. 

"Fuck, yeah, bitch." Ty assured him with that funny tone. "I've been chillin' up here for ages, trust me."

Fuckbelt looked around once more, through the forest surrounding us and then at our individual expressions. Eventually, he stopped on me, staring deep into my eyes. It was an awkward few moments, the sensation of his eyes upon me nearly intimidating, especially knowing his Taekwondo background. 

"On second thought... Hey-- Wheels, was it?" He said, warranting my nod of acknowledgement. "Did you or D have something to talk about, since you went through all this trouble."

I'd almost forgotten why we wanted to meet with Fuckbelt in the first place.

"Yeah, I wanted to ask you about something." I said walking toward him. "But... Can we talk about it in private?"

"No problem." He looked around the forest once more before pointing in a seemingly random direction. "We can discuss in that clearing, beyond the trees."

"Clearing?" I said, bewildered. 

"Just follow me." He turned around before turning back, speaking beyond me. "You guys just chill while we're out! We should be back before it gets too dark!"

"We'll discuss while you mothafuckas kiss ya lips dry." CQ scoffed. "No need to worry about us."

///

Following Fuckbelt through the dense forest for a few minutes, we'd made our way to a large clearing, dimmed by the shadow of the sun. It was a large patch of grass, surrounded by a circle of trees that store at the blooming center. The place had a fresh yet familiar feeling, though I knew the atmosphere would be ruined as I spoke with Fuckbelt. 

Digging through the thoughts brought about by that day, I contemplated how I might present it to him: How would I explain why I was looking into her? It was hard getting my mind to settle, and the more it didn't settle, the angrier I became, thinking back on my humiliation. 

Fuckbelt and I sat at the base of a large, oak tree, our backs facing the lonely cliff that watched over Dutchman from above, and sitting there, I felt overwhelmed with uncertainty. Why was I doing all of this? Why was I going through the trouble? I was so devoted, yet when I sat there, holding all of my anticipation in hand, I pulled back, like I always did. It was that second thought that was the most detrimental to my mind, oftentimes only a fleeting distraction...

But why was I doing this? 

I hardly know this Fuckbelt guy-- Scratch that-- This guy is a complete stranger. Why the fuck was I willing to go this far over a bitch like Nicky?

"So..." Fuckbelt twiddled his thumbs; I'd lost track of how long we'd already been sitting there. "Who'd you want me to hit."

"H-Hit?" I mustered, still stunned by the abrupt jump to reality.

"You know." Fuckbelt stated, confident. "People only come to me for two things, to get even with me or to get even with someone else. Whoever or whatever you're getting ready to ask me about isn't something I haven't done before. You don't even have to tell me why, just point the finger."

"O-Okay..." I said, struggling to put his face with such business.

He was a tad smaller than myself, and his physique, through the veil of his clothing, was lean and-- well-- typical. Similar to the feeling I'd had when I learned CQ was older than us, it was strange believing he'd be willing to do this, taking into consideration what other people might use his services for. 

But, he was right. I wanted even with Nicky, and without a limb to go on, he was likely to be my only outlet on information. 

"Why do you help people like this?" I pried, knowing full well the position I was putting myself into. "If something comes from it, couldn't they trace it back to you?" 

"Doesn't hurt me none." He shrugged. "How could they? No nasties on my hands for information that was already there to begin with."

He kicked his feet up, curling them close to his body. Seemed he was also trying to make himself comfortable. 

"I wouldn't question the hand that's so willing to feed you, my friend." Fuckbelt warned. "However..."

He paused, turning to look me in the eyes. He rested his arms within his curled lap, tapping his thumbs together to that ghost rhythm once more. 

"...I do wonder what someone'd have to do to get such a treatment from you... Goliath Grinner."