Amson, 18, "Reflection of Conscience"

Metal dinked as the cafeteria was filled with indiscernible, continuous noise, yet my immediate surroundings couldn't be so silent and devoid of life, the feeling of a dead, frigid breeze. I toyed with my food, as I often did when lost in thought-- with food in front of me, that is. I just couldn't stomach what she'd said.

'Forgive myself, huh?' I thought, slamming my fork into the tray and catching a piece of meat.

I never thought it possible-- more accurately, I thought it arrogant to forgive myself when I was unsure of the forgiveness of others. Despite her heartfelt and strangely profound and philosophical speech, I felt about the same as I did before my apology, guilty. The fact of the matter was that my glare-- my words were insignificant, a trivial thing to hang my mind along, but in my heart, my gut, I could feel that I'd wronged someone, someone who had nothing to do with myself or my problems.

Maybe that was the cause of her indifference.

She communicates with kids every day; I wasn't some special case, and I needed to get it out of my head that I was. The world doesn't revolve around me, but it's also only myself that can alter that perspective of it... Was that what she meant? Perhaps a piece of what she was trying to convey with those big words...

'Enough.' I sighed. 'At this rate, I'll spoil my appetite.'

I was undeniably hungry as all hell; without cooking from Mom in the morning, it was bound to happen.

The first half of my day was somewhat eventful, thankful to say, but it was very weird; I don't know how to describe it. During class, Tora fidgeted like normal, talked like normal, and, well, was Tora like normal. That, in itself, shouldn't come across as something that needed attention, but something within myself wouldn't settle, especially after the night we shared before that God-forsaken party.

After seeing that laid-back, irritable, and vulnerable side to her, I couldn't help but think, "What'd happened to make her so distraught." I remembered I held back at the time for the sake of remembering my place, especially with her dad around, but it was all strange, strange enough to get my attention like it did.

We still weren't close friends, and sitting next to her only made me wonder more why she felt the urge to share that side of herself with me.

"Hey, Amson..." Tora smacked at my side. "You gonna eat that?"

"Yes." I said, frank.

"What about that?"

"Yes."

She paused for a moment, returning to her food to eat.

"That?" She pointed with her fork.

"YES!" I yelled, food spraying across the table. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, YES!"

Tora was back and in full gear to piss me the hell off. She talked and talked, and after that week without hearing it constantly, it was going to take some readjusting. She bounced in her seat like a spring, humming a tune I'd never even care to recognize.

Tora leaned in toward my face, and I retreated, my personal bubble popped in an instant. She looked into my eyes, at my cheek, then back at me.

"So~" She looked around. "How was your party, Amson?"

I wasn't in the mood for brooding.

"It was fine." I said. "We missed you, Sunday. Thought we were gonna go hunting and shit."

She gasped.

"Oh my gosh." She brought her hand to her mouth, a panicked look in her eyes. "I'm so sorry for missing your birthday-- we were just so busy--"

I couldn't help but laugh a little bit at the expression, interrupting that frantic back and forth inside her head.

"No worries, Tora. None at all, honest." I took another bite of food. "Everything ok, over there? Mom says you guys've had it rough, recently."

"E-Everything's just fine." She punched me on the shoulder, forcing me to wince and juggle my food. "Hey! Maybe, we can find another day to hunt!"

She pranced around her chair, all excited, as I continued digging into the last remnants of my food. Though the thought of hunting sounded fun, my mind was caught onto the fact that my phone was with me the morning after that party. I diverted the conversation, eager for her answer.

"Bit off topic, but..." I gathered my thoughts. "Was it you who brought my phone over on Saturday? You could've woken me up and said hi."

She waved her arms in front of me, determined to wipe the thought completely from my mind.

"No, no, no." She insisted. "My Dad brought it over early in the morning because he said he found it when you left, sitting on the couch."

"Yeah?" I pondered. "Well, tell him I said thanks. I was worried stiff once I arrived home and it wasn't there."

"S-Sure thing, Amson." She smiled from ear to ear.

Looking at her, I felt bad, keeping the trauma brought on by that night from her, but with everything on her plate and the fact that we hardly know one another, it'd never be appropriate to spring on her. Slowly but surely, the cafeteria cleared, and Tora and I headed for the gym, the realization kicking in.

I was determined to get even with Nicky, right then and there.

///

Unfortunately, fate'd kicked me up the ass.

I reclined in my chair, eyes to the ceiling as per usual, and thinking on the day, I was dissatisfied.

Part of me didn't want to see Nicky, yet the other majority wanted to see her, just to make true my vows to drag her through hell. But she was gone and Baun was indifferent, as if nothing had happened. She was undoubtedly gone, without evidence leading to anywhere she might've gone, though I couldn't say you could dig up much in such a big school.

It was likely the fact that Baun didn't seem to care a damn's worth that threw me off.

Just a second of consideration that his whore girlfriend was gone would have satiated that hunger for someone to acknowledge her existence, but it was as if she'd disappeared-- or, rather, she was never there.

Baun carried the same, friendly air with him, and although with her gone, there was ample room to fuck around during PE, my mind wouldn't settle for that fantastical reality. She was gone from thin air, and I wasn't fucking crazy, dreaming her up. There had to be some reason why he was being quiet about it, but for the life of me, I couldn't bring myself to ask him during the day.

At my laptop, I slaved away, finishing my homework for the entire week like a mindless husk of a man, a studious one at that. But there was only so far my attention span would allow me to keep that flow going.

I dropped my hands, letting them fall to my side, and I sighed, leaning back in the office chair.

'Maybe...' I thought. 'Maybe, I'll play video games, today.'