1 Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"What do I say, Luke? How do I even begin to speak in front of her? I don't think I can do it." I leaned into my boyfriend's embrace, the warmth radiating off him calmed me. Luke was my safe haven. Considering what was about to happen, I know I needed him now more than ever.

Gently he pried me off him, looking down into my eyes. The kindness in his blue orbs was inviting, soothing. I felt safe whenever he was around. "Nicola, baby. You can do it okay. She is your sister the words will flow naturally."

Tears were now freely flowing from their ducts. "But she's dying Luke, she's dying."

Instinctively he held me tighter, the sadness clear in his voice. "I know. But if you miss this chance for your final goodbye, you will regret it. Tell her how much you love her, tell how she will not be forgotten, tell her how much everyone is going to miss her. You need to have the courage to do that Nicola."

It was evident that I could never leave my sister without saying goodbye. But by saying goodbye it only compounded the fact these were going to be her final moments on Earth and I was not ready to come to terms with that. Someone I loved so much was just going to be taken from me without any consideration of how I was feeling. Wasn't the universe supposed to be right, just, and fair when dealing with people's lives? Then why did I feel the universe was always screwing me over every turn I took. I was frustrated, angry. But most of all I was sad. The kind of sadness that consumes you whole, the kind of sadness that your life can not function properly. And I knew that kind of sadness, I was familiar with the patterns and I knew it would only amplify after she leaves. It was only a matter of time.

"Nicola?" Luke's voice drew me out of my daze. I looked up and gave him a small smile, which he returned. "Go and tell her all of that. Before it is too late."

I nodded, the brisk air from outside seemingly clung to every crevice of my body, every curve. I made my way into the hospital entrance but stopped momentarily and turned around. "Do you want to come?"

He gave me a small smile, filled with all the love the simple movement of facial muscles could give. "I think this should just be between sisters. Give her my love though." I nodded and proceeded to walk back into the entrance but his voice stopped me again. "Oh, and Nicola?" I turned. "I will be right here if you need me."

The smell burned through, a mixture of disinfectant and bleach. I've always hated it. That smell of a hospital. That smell that felt so toxic, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel.

Maybe it was a good thing that my emotions were an endless pit of nothing. Maybe it was a good thing, because it'd make what I knew was coming next, much more easier to bare. Much more easier to swallow.

Amber. My eldest sister. My only sister, laid in front of me; sprawled across the thin white bed, her hair bare, her skin seemingly clung to her bones, color of any kind drained out of her skin. Of her honey - gold complexion. But her eyes, those vivid, warm brown eyes flickered with the life, I knew she was losing. Quickly.

Chemo didn't work. Nothing worked. It only wore her down until she was a shell of her former self, a ghost that could never regain it's form. And as much as I wanted her to stay, just stay with me. I know things you love, you eventually lose.

But how would I get the bravery, how would I have the courage to say goodbye?

"Nicola, care to tell me what's on your mind?" Her eyes weakly trained on me, the reflection of the harsh lights reigned down on us, turning her soft complexion hard. Her voice. Her voice didn't change, her voice never changed. And anything stable in our lives, in my life was all I could hope for.

The metal, sturdy chair I was on, couldn't currently hold the disdain and despair in my heart. Amber. Amber was the most caring, selfless person I know. Sometimes I envy her for that. We both revolved around each other like a moth drawn to a flame, like our planet depended on the Sun for life. I breathed her in and she breathed me in. We depended on each other, one couldn't survive without the other. Then how could I survive without her? "Nothing. Nothing, really-"

"What have I told you about lying to me," She broke in, tearing my non convincing lie with as much love she could, draping a hand tentatively over me. The very action winded her. Her strength, among many things were failing her. "You just can't do it. So don't ever try Nicky."

I knew what she was trying to do, get me to open up about my feelings. What I was feeling. But I was feeling, nothing. Just empty, pitiless, nothing. Something, I somewhat knew I'd have to get adjusted to sooner or later. Probably sooner. Possibly later. That I didn't know. "What am I going to do without you? Amber, how am I going to cope?" I could feel the tears I was holding in drip. Just one. But one was enough, that I never wanted to do it again.

"You are going to be the strong, independent woman that I raised you to be, you are going to grow into someone you want to be. You don't need my help any longer Nicola, the story now lies with you. Only you."

I shook my head. I wasn't ready. "I can't Amber I'm not ready. I wish it was me in your place, you'd know how to live without me. You'd know how to carry on-"

"Don't you dare say that! You think that even for once, I'd let anyone go through what I went through, let alone my own sister. The thought alone insults me, you should know better. You don't think that my whole life would stop if this were to happen to you? How can you even say that?" Never once, did I see her angry with me, never once did I see her raise her tone. And never once did I mean to offend her in the slightest. But she was right, she was always right.

She looked at me, watching, calculating before her eyes softened. "Listen, you need to look after mom and dad, okay? You know dad won't know how to cope and he'll rely on mom for support. You need to be the one supporting her."

"But who'll be the one supporting me?"

She smiled. "I will."

I couldn't tell if that was the truth or any hope I could cling on for her to stay.

"I remember the time you were born Nicola. The time I first held you in my arms, I couldn't believe that this tiny little thing was you." Her eyes seemed far, distant, reminiscing the past yet they never left me, her burning smile shone through the debris of pain I knew she was in. And the worst thing, I couldn't do anything to stop it. "That you were my sister. My own sister. Just mine. I guess you can say that I wasn't expecting it, that I always wanted the attention on me. That's the way I was certain it was going to be I didn't even wanted you in the picture. But then I felt you against me, skin to skin. Blood to blood and I guess the thought of even hurting you, in the smallest way made me physically sick."

"You didn't want a sister?"

She stifled a laugh, or what was a shadow of it. "Not at first, no. But what first child ever wants a sibling. Still I would never trade you for anything in the world, even though you were and still are ridicoulsy annyoing."

"Even for your health back?" I could tell she was trying to lighten the mood with humour but there was nothing funny about this, I could tell she saw the expression on my face because she smiled lightly.

She shook her hand, shaking placing the hand from mine to my face. "Not even for that. I love you, Nicola. You'll always be my sister."

Goodbye. This was a goodbye, that I didn't want. That I never wanted. Yet, I know I had to say something, anything. "I love you more." My throat was closing up and it was becoming increasingly difficult to sort out my emotions as well as my heart rate.

We just stayed there. For the longest time to others, but it felt like the shortest time to me. Just relishing, absorbing each other's presence. I was scared. But as much as I could tell she was trying to hide it for my sake, she was too.

All of a sudden, the wild beeping of the heart machine monitor shot through, the loud beeps ripping through the tranquil silence. Her eyes began drooping.

Help. She needed help.

Rising from my seat, only to be stopped, by a now strong hand on my face. My eyes connected with hers, for as long as I could remember she looked at peace, she looked happy, she looked strong. "No, don't leave. Please stay."

"But the doctors, we need to get someone, mom or dad. Someone -"

"Please." This was a final farewell, I could tell her surroundings were fading from her. I could tell everything was blotting out of focus. And there was nothing I could do to help her. She was dying. For so long, we waited, with baited breath anticipating it. But it never came. But now, no matter how much preparation you did, or you thought you did. It's never enough. It's never, ever enough. "Stay."

If I spoke now, I knew my voice would betray me. I had to be strong. I had to. Instead, I nodded retaking my sister. Holding her the best way I could. Holding the remaining pieces of that shell, the remaining memories of that ghost. Be brave.

"I'm scared." It was so soft, but ricocheted in my ears. "I'm scared, Nicola. I'm scared."

She wanted- needed comfort. Something that right now I didn't know how to provide, I was tearing apart at the seams. "Don't be. You're okay. You're okay." And I repeated this over and over and over. Until it was not only stuck in her head, but in mine.

"You're okay, Amber." That was it, her body went limp in my arms, the flat line piercing throughout the rooms, ringing in my ears. Everything zoomed out of focus. I couldn't hold on to my surroundings, to myself. But I could hold on to her. Only her. Just her.

Background noise was filled with thundering footsteps storming inside, screams of anguish, of pain. My parents. Hands trying to pry me off. They pulled. I pushed harder.

"Nicola." The voice whilst frantic was kind. I knew that combination anywhere. I turned to see the stunned and sobbing faces of my parents, the calm and calculating faces of the doctors as they tried to revive Amber, and then my eyes fell on Luke. Seeing the sadness in his eyes only consolidated things as his orbs flickered from Amber's body to mine. "Nicola." This time his voice was heavy in the same exact emotion I was feeling.

"She's gone, Luke. She's gone."

Slowly he nodded, approaching me and gently trying to remove my iron grip arms from her body. Frantically I shook my head. "I can't let go, Luke, she told me not to leave her."

"You will never leave her. But Nicola, you need to let the doctors do their job." He managed to remove one set of my fingers and was trying with the other set, whilst the doctors were trying their best to work around me. "Come on, Nicola. You can lean on me. I've got you." He succeeded with the other fingers and I collapsed onto him sobbing, he led me up and that's when I heard it.

"Amber Steali. Declared dead. Nine thirty am-" Before the doctor could finish her sentence, Luke rushed me out. The heavy door slamming on the way out and I collapsed onto the floor. A sobbing mess on the cold, white hospital floor. I didn't care about the looks I was gathering, I didn't care what they thought or said about me. I just wished I held onto Amber longer, that I didn't let go.

Holding onto my sister, her. Only her. Just her.

****

The clothes on her, weren't the pristine, clean hospital clothes. But the clothes she normally wore, the clothes that she was comfortable with. They popped with vivid, bright colors. Contrasting to everyone's else black attire. It made her seem so life like, completely full of it. But that was the sick joke the universe was playing by presenting her life in her coffin.

I looked around, everything seemed so close yet so far. People weeping, God the sound. That piercing, hard sound. Yet, here I was standing over here but felt so empty that I couldn't shed a tear. I know grief is insurmountable, if you don't let it in it'll keep pounding on your doors and eat you alive. But I had no one. Nothing.

My eyes locked with a tall figure, striking gray eyes and tousled silver hair. Ajax. Amber's boyfriend and he looked worst than I felt. Streams of tears littered his pale cheeks, clouding his eyes slightly. He was looking for me for reassurance, comfort, anything. Quickly, I looked away. If he couldn't handle her death, how could I? Aside for Amber, he was the strongest person I know. They molded to each other so well, that it seemed nothing could separate them. Almost nothing.

My head was screaming for me to stay rooted where I was, to not comfort him, he'd have to go through exactly the same thing and he'd have to live through it. Like I would. But my body betrayed my mind, I crossed the distance over to him, trying to blocked out the sound of sobbing, finally leaving my sister behind.

We were face to face and although moisture painted his cheeks and his pain was radiating off in waves, he managed a smile. "How, you holding up, Nicola?" He knew what the answer was. They all did. If this was a way to somewhat ease me it wasn't working.

Nevertheless, I knew I had to lie. Pretend to be okay. Pretend for him, for them. "I'm fine. You?"

He nodded. "I'm fine also." His lips might have been saying something but his whole demeanor was showing off something else. "It's rough, isn't it." It wasn't a question, it was cold, hard facts.

"Yes, it is.""But it'll get better, right?" He scanned my face, longing for some sort of hope, some one he could put his faith in but I would be lying not only to him but to myself if I lied. It didn't. It didn't get better. "Right?" This time, his tone tightened with desperation, his eyes diminishing.

I could feel my face softened. She would have wanted him be taken care of. She would have wanted me there for him. "Yes, it does. Of course it does, Ajax. Pain is only temporary." Yet, to me it felt like it would never leave. Constantly knocking at the door. Constantly trying to enter.

For a long moment, he smiled again nodding, seeming to finally come to terms with things. "Pain is only temporary."

*****

The four walls of my room seemed to be closing into me, trapping me, restricting me. What was once my room felt so cold and distance from the warmth that would accompany it before. Amber was always there, always in my room despite having the biggest in the house. This was equally my safe haven as much as hers. Yet now, I couldn't bear to remain in this space any longer. I don't want to look at my memory board and see the bucket loads of pictures of us together crowding my actual work, I don't want to smell her perfume on the duvet that we shared together. Every time she had a bad dream, she'd sleep here or vice versa. But to be honest, it was more my nightmares and my restlessness. I relied on her, more than she relied on me.

Tentatively I picked up her comb she left behind, after she lost all her hair she didn't need it any longer and she gifted it to me. Really I didn't know how that was going to help my braids but I guess it was a subtle way of saying bye, giving me bit by bit her possessions until nothing remained. The hilt of the jewel encrusted comb, felt so heavy in my hand to the point it hurts to hold it. I placed it close to my nose, inhaling the sweet aroma. Lilies, roses and her soap. A blend too different, too good to be true. But it smelt divine.

Everything began crashing down on me all at once, I don't think the reality hit until now that she's gone and ultimately never coming back.

I threw the comb on the floor, running with all the strength I could muster, slamming the door shut behind me. I sagged against the door. I couldn't sleep there, I just couldn't. There were more things belonging to her there, than what belonged to me.

Voices threw me off my trail of thoughts, each climbing higher and higher. Trying to over top and over power each other. My parents. They were fighting, fighting about what? Was this really necessary now? With everything that's going on, with everything we lost why couldn't they put their differences aside just once and figure things out together. If there was ever a time to set apart their differences, it'd be now.

Carefully, I descended down the stairs, I didn't want to alert them I was there. If I could hear long enough what the disagreement was about, maybe I I could decide how to tackle it the best way that suited both.

The closer I got, the more audible it was. "What now, Diana? Where will I be without my little girl?" My father. It was my father voice riddled with pain, clearly trying to retain back the tears.

"Our little girl, Seth. She was our little girl. Now we have nothing."

That hurt more than I thought it would. Did my own mother not even consider me as her child? Shrinking back into the shadows, concealing myself from them and I guess their own versions of truth.

"Not nothing, Diana. Never nothing. We have each other, this beautiful house, our beautiful girl-"

"Who? Nicola. Nicola that's never done anything right in her life. That same Nicola that so wants to separate herself from us. " My mother always had a habitat when things got increasingly hard, retreat to a corner build her walls up and lash at the closest person she can reach. But when my father wasn't the target, it was me.

"Diana." Judging by his tone, it was laced with disappointment. Exactly like the one my mother always held for me. "You of all people should know that you shouldn't be saying that, words like that have damaging effects. Consider yourself lucky that she's not here, listening to all this hate. And from her own mother, no less, it would be heart breaking."

"Well, are you going to tell me that it isn't true? We lost our only good child. Nicola can never give up everything for us, always sulking and depressed, she could never in a million years have a proud life-"

"She's not even a senior yet. Give her time."

"Don't interrupt me, Seth. " Despite me having the inability to see her expression, her annoyance was rippling in waves. If it was one thing about my mother, she hated being interrupted. "Can you tell me that she would sacrifice everything for us? Anything for us? Even the smallest thing, would you be confident in telling me right here, right now that she could."

"She doesn't have to, she's just a kid. If anything, we need to be making the sacrifices for her."

"Amber was just a kid. Our little girl was just a kid too. But I know that's she would have done twice as much as Nicola and sacrificed even more." With that, she broke down erupting in very loud, very audible sobs. And that was it, whatever argument they had stopped there.

Something that was supposed to make me feel better, only seemed to intensify the pain and torment I was feeling, the tears that I wanted to fall. Maybe, she was right.

*****

The black dense atmosphere encompassed around once. Blank space. Or just space, but how was I to know?

I felt my physical presence there, searching, hunting for something. Maybe Amber, maybe hope, maybe me. But never finding it, I'd always be in reach of it, only to have it once again ripped from my fingertips.

Aimlessly I walked, feeling shivers, spirits, entities wash and crowd over me, somewhat not out of malice.

Suddenly, a bright burning, phosphorescent light momentarily blinded my surroundings senses. Everything blurred out of focus, before blurring back into it.

My eyes fixating on the majestic woman, bathed in light in front of me. Her face shifted, from old to young and back to old again. But the beauty never abandoned her, even with her aging appearance. Her smile, warm, only did it's best to remind me of someone else. The blonde locks cascading down her feminine yet masculine shoulders. " My child, come closer."

The pulsating energy, flowing from her was too enticing, I drew closer until her retinas burned into mine. I wanted to speak, to say something, to question her existence. But the authority this spirit exhibited wasn't one that I could toy with, let alone offend. I kept my mouth closed.

"My child, there's no need to be scared. I have come bearing great new, bearing new that will bring joy not sorrow." Her smile burned through me, instantly I relaxed. My tense shoulders dropped. "That's it, there's no need to fear me, I am on your side, forever in eternity. Now, I must hurry time is scarce. I have a proposition to offer you, one that will change your life and the path you lead. May I carry on?"

Silently, my head shifted in a nod.

"There is a way to save your sister, still. But it comes at a great price. Are you willing?"

This was a dream. This has to be a dream, there wasn't anything in the universe that could bring her back and the sooner I adapted to that reality, the better. My subconscious was playing tricks on me, it was using this place to play with my emotions. It had to be. That's the only possible explanation. The only one.

"Nicola, my dear. I know this comes as a shock to you. But the universe has weighed on the scales of life to give your sister another chance, at life, at love. We see now how greatly she affected people's lives for the better. And we're giving you that chance to right this unbalance in so many lives. Listen, in order to save your sister there are three significant life altering decisions and situations you've been through in your life, things out of your control, things not. You need to go and right the wrongs to them, only then can there be a chance at redeeming your sister." Maybe it was the truth, maybe this was my chance that I wanted. "Her death is still raw. That means you have three weeks to complete this, or her soul will be claimed forever. "

Faith. Faith is what keeps you going. Pure faith."How do I know which ones I need to change. Will there be a sign for me?"

"My child, you will know. Naturally, it will come to you. I am taking it you are willing?"

My mind was tumbling with questions and what ifs. But one stood out the most. What if you had the chance to bring her back to life, to live beside her again and watch her evolve into the person she was meant to be. What if. "And if I do this, if I go and do what you say, she'll live. My sister will be alive again. " Her celestial head nodded. "I am willing."