Childhood

Growing up I was middle class. I have to say that life was not terrible and I had a privileged life compared to a lot of people. I got a lot of the toys I wanted, I had nice clothes, I even got to experience a lot of things that a lot of kids didn't get to like professionall wrestling shows and professional baseball games. My life appeared to be great, but there was a darkness looming, a black cloud that followed me and no matter what I couldn't get away. The sad part is nobody cared.

I was being abused by the father figure in my life. I cried a lot. He worked in law enforcement. His brother was a lawyer. His father was a doctor. All with ties to the community. All with money. I don't know how old you are reading this but if you haven't realized money controls this world by now, you're probably too young to be reading this book and I respectfully ask you to stop until you graduate into yourself big boy/girl pants.

The thing about abuse is that it's scary for a child. I went to the guidance counselor numerous times. There's a investigation that took place and then they made me feel safe. Then the next day ole pappy would be declared fit and I would come home. First time I reported it, he brought me the toy I dreamed of, a Sega Dreamcast and showed it off in front of child services. I told them I had exaggerated just to get home and play it. He tossed it out the window on the trip home and told me the news that made me realize life is completely fucked.. He ran over my cat. He always hated that thing.

Then I was forced to join the Boy Scouts because I apparently was not going to be shit in life unless I made it to Eagle Scout. I know what you're thinking. I am a nobody in life and I never did make it to Eagle Scout. Maybe there was truth to that.

But Scouts was the worst thing to happen to me. It actually is the one thing that I wish no matter what kind of abuse was thrown by ole dad I wouldn't of went. I was abused and no not like what happened to me by dad.  Not.by punches and kicks. Much worse. Sexually.

By one of the older boys and even his step dad my innocence was taken from me.  I would cry not to go to Scout. I'd beg. I would like slapped and told I was going. I came forward with tears rolling down my eyes, trembling and looked at the 2 people in my life who were supposed to protect me and said the words. "They are hurting me. They are touching me. Please don't make me. I'll be better in action, he's hurting me." As I finished the words, mom and dad froze for what felt like 10 minutes and I thought it was over. My dad looked at me. I remember the loop of disguise on his face. I thought he was disgusted with the people hurting me. But no. "You're a liar Josh and you making stories like that up is disgusting. Now fucking got your uniform on you little pussy. No TV for a week since you are obviously watching the wrong stuff. Pussy!" You know that was the time in my life that I realized that life is bullshit. It's not fair. That's when I said fuck this society, this world, I'm living by my rules.

That's also when childhood ended.