Chapter 10

Ava

I sleep surprisingly well and awake at eight when my alarm goes off. For several minutes, I lie in bed thinking about everything that happened yesterday. I told someone about John, and nothing terrible happened. In fact, several good things came of it, including the referral to a therapist and a new friend. Skylar was amazing, supportive, understanding and helpful. When I pondered the possibility of telling people about John and what happened in San Diego, I always imagined I'd tell Camille and my parents before I told anyone else.

Telling Skylar was much easier than telling them would've been. No question about that. In addition to sharing my pain, I'd have to deal with theirs when they heard what happened with John. They'd want to know why I didn't include them at the time, and that would make it harder on me.

I get up and go straight to the Keurig for a cup of coffee that I take with me into the bathroom, where I shower and dry my hair. I leave the apartment with plenty of time to get to the address on Third Avenue that Skylar gave me. In the cab, I expect to feel nervous or unsettled, but I don't feel either of those things. I'm still reveling in the relief of having shared my story with someone and to have found a therapist who can help me forge a path forward.

It's been a long time since I've had so many positive things to focus on. I hope Jessica can help me navigate my new life in a way that keeps the old life in the past where it belongs.

Jessica's office is in a brick-fronted building that's just as Skylar described it. The street level is a bustling deli with scents coming from it that make my mouth water. I'll stop for a closer look at what they have after my appointment. I press the button next to Jessica's name, and she buzzes me in. She's on the third floor and is waiting for me when I reach the landing.

Right away, I notice she's a lot younger than I expected. She has curly blonde shoulder-length hair and wears cat-eye leopard-print glasses that make her look smart and hip at the same time. She's wearing a black top with jeans and black wedges.

She extends a hand to me. "You must be Ava."

I shake her hand. "I am. It's so nice to meet you, and thank you for seeing me on a Saturday."

"No problem. Grief doesn't keep nine-to-five hours, and neither do I." She ushers me into a cozy space with plush, oversized easy chairs and lots of pillows. The walls are painted a dark shade of orange, and the artwork consists of soothing beach scenes. "Coffee? Tea? Water? What can I get for you?"

"A coffee would be awesome."

"How do you take it?"

"Just cream, please."

"You got it." She gestures to a clipboard on the coffee table. "If you could fill out the usual forms, that'll take care of the paperwork."

I complete the forms and fill in my credit card number since my new insurance at work won't kick in for another month.

Bringing two mugs of steaming coffee with her, she sits across from me and places my coffee on the table between us. Holding her mug in both hands, she settles into her chair, curling her legs under her. "Tell me a little about you, and then I'll tell you a little about me. We'll go from there."

Her easygoing demeanor puts me immediately at ease, and I try to summarize what's brought me to her in as few words as possible. "In the five years since he left, I haven't told anyone about him until last night when Skylar came home and found me in a heap after my first real date with another man."

Jessica winced. "That's an awfully long time to deal with something so traumatic on your own."

"With hindsight, I think I basically followed his lead from when we were together. 'Let's keep this to ourselves,' he'd say. I know now that was probably because he wasn't supposed to be so involved with anyone due to his job, but I didn't understand that at the time."

"Before we delve into that, I want to tell you about me, if that's okay."

"Of course."

"Like you, I had a rather idyllic childhood. I married my high school sweetheart when I was still in graduate school. We had our first child two weeks after I completed my master's degree. A boy named Liam."

I experience a sense of dread that's confirmed when she continues.

"He was nine months old when he contracted meningitis. We lost him three days later."

"I'm so sorry." The words feel incredibly inadequate, but I don't know what else to say.

"Thank you. I tell you this so you'll know I understand where you're coming from in here. Liam's death twelve years ago changed everything about my life, and I decided to specialize in grief counseling because I wanted to help other people who were going through what I did when I lost my son. A therapist put me back together, and during that process, I found my professional calling."

I have so many questions. I want to know if she has other children and if she and her husband stayed together. She doesn't wear a ring, but that doesn't mean anything. I don't feel comfortable asking, but I'm sure Skylar knows. I'll wait and ask her.

"We're going to talk a lot about John and what happened in San Diego five years ago. But first, I want to talk about Eric and what's happening right now in New York City, okay?"

I nod, intrigued by her approach, but willing to follow her lead.

"Tell me what happened last night."

I recount our evening, ending with the kisses in my kitchen that sent me into a guilt-induced spiral.

"When he asked if he could kiss you, did you feel guilty when you gave permission?"

I think about that. "No, I didn't feel guilty until after he left."

"So, in the moment, you enjoyed kissing him?"

"I did. I've enjoyed everything with him. He was a good friend to me the day we met and has been every day since then. Last night was a really great night."

She sits back and eyes me shrewdly. "You're suffering from a lack of closure in your relationship with John. If he'd broken up with you before he left or, God forbid, been killed, then you'd have closure. But when he left, he told you he loved you and walked out of your life, leaving you in this state of limbo that has kept you from moving forward. Do you agree?"

"Definitely. I've begun to feel anger toward him about that."

"You've only just recently begun to feel anger toward him?" she asks, incredulous. "Most people would've been furious long before now."

"I really, really loved him."

"I know."

"And he left me to serve our country, to go after the people who attacked the cruise ship. It's hard to blame someone who's trying to get retribution for so many people."

"At least you think that's what he's doing. You don't actually know that for sure, right?"

"No," I say, sighing, "I don't know anything for sure."

"If John were to walk into this room right now, what would you want to say to him?"

"Oh jeez." I exhale on a nervous laugh. "I wouldn't know where to start."

"Humor me. He comes strolling in here, back like he never left. What's the first thing that comes to mind?"

"I'd probably be too busy hugging him and kissing him to say anything."

"That's your first impulse? To hug and kiss him? Not to ask him why he did this to you if he loved you as much as he said he did?"

I think about that. "Yes, that's my first impulse, to hug and kiss him."

"I give you credit. I'd probably want to stab a guy who did to me what he did to you."

"We were so incredibly good together. So very, very good. My relationship with him was the most perfect thing in my life."

"Except for the things he kept from you, of course, like the fact that he might have to deploy, potentially for years, without a word to you."

"Maybe he didn't know that was possible. I mean, who expected terrorists to blow up a cruise ship?"

Jessica uncurls her legs from under her and leans forward, elbows on knees, her expression intense. "He expected it, or something like it, Ava. He trained for years for a scenario just like the one that transpired, and he knew, every minute he spent with you, he knew, it was possible he'd have to leave you the way he did."

"YouÉ you don't know that for certain."

"Yes, I do, and so do you. You know it. A man in the military doesn't just disappear off the face of the earth for five years. That doesn't happen. Unless he's in a unit designed for just that kind of mission."

"IÉ I think maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

"Because you don't like what I'm saying about the man you love?"

God, she's so blunt! "In part."

"It's the truth, and I think it's going to be really important to your ability to move forward for you to accept that what he did to you wasn't honorable. It wasn't what a man does to the woman he loves."

I'm so hurt by what she's saying and furious on John's behalf that tears roll down my cheeks. I make no move to deal with them, because I'm frozen in place.

She hands me a tissue, forcing me to react, to take it from her and mop up the flood.

"I'm not saying these things to hurt you, Ava. I'm saying them because you need to hear them. You've put him on a pedestal he doesn't belong on."

"Even if he's spent the last five years sacrificing his own life in service to our country?"

"If that's what he's been doing, then we all owe him a tremendous debt of gratitude, but that doesn't change the fact that what he did to you was shitty."

"Is this how you coped with the loss of your son? Did you find someone to blame?"

"There was no one to blame. We don't know how or where he contracted the virus, and the doctors did everything they could to try to save him."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You're more than welcome to ask me about how I dealt with my grief. I'm happy to share anything that'll help you deal with yours."

"I can't find it in me to blame him when he was just doing his job."

"Fair enough, but I want you to really think about the concept of intentions. What were his toward you when he got involved with you? Did he go into your relationship knowing there was a possibility that he might have to leave you in this state of purgatory for years? Did he know that was possible, and did he do it anyway?"

I don't know the answers to those questions, so I don't respond.

"What about his friends and family? What do they say about where he disappeared to?"

"IÉ I never met any of them. We kept to ourselves. We liked it that way."

"You both liked it that way, or he did?"

"We both did. We had everything we needed in each other."

"So not only did he keep from you that he might have to leave you indefinitely, but he kept you isolated so you wouldn't have a support system in place if what he knew might happen actually did. Is that correct?"

"It wasn't like that." I dab at my eyes, which are aching. It's been years since I've broken down the way I have in the last two days.

"What was it like, then?"

"We were happy. I was happy."

"You were also young and na•ve and far away from your home and your family. That made you the perfect girlfriend for a man who maybe wasn't supposed to have a significant other."

"This isn't helping me. I didn't come here to dismantle the character of the man I love."

"Why did you come?"

"Because! I'm tired of being stuck. I want to move on with my life, but I don't know how."

"I'm trying to show you how, Ava. You've got to let him go, really let him go, or you'll never be anything other than stuck. What he asked of you is more than any man has a right to ask of any woman, no matter how much you loved him or he loved you. It was unfair of him to allow you to fall in love with him. If you can find a way to accept that, I think you might be able to get unstuck."

I take another tissue from the box on the table and wipe away more tears. "Did you have other children?"

"Three."

"Did it help?"

"It really did. No one can take Liam's place, but his little brothers and sister have filled our hearts and our home with love and light and laughter. They give me a reason to get up in the morning, and we all need that."

I'm happy for her that she has other children, and her use of the word our gives me hope that she managed to hang on to her marriage.

"Let's talk some more about Eric."

"What about him?"

"You said you like him and he's been very good to you?"

Nodding, I say, "From the start."

"And you feel guilty that you're attracted to him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

I stare at her. "Do I honestly have to spell that out for you?"

"I guess you do, because frankly, I don't understand what in the world you have to feel guilty about."

"I feel guilty," I say through gritted teeth, "because I'm still in love with John."

"Who left you five years ago and hasn't been in touch with you since, correct?"

"Not because he doesn't want to be. He could be dead for all I know!"

"Yes, he could be. Let's look at the various scenarios, shall we? A. He's dead and took no steps whatsoever to ensure you'd be notified of his death. B. He's choosing to remain out of touch with you for reasons only he knows. C. He's somewhere in the world where he can't get in touch with you. D. He's part of an operation where contact with the outside world could sacrifice the mission he signed on for long before he met you. Have I missed anything?"

"No," I mutter, infuriated with her, and with him.

"Ava."

I glance at her and see only care and compassion in the way she's looking at me.

"If you had told a friend or family member about this years ago, they would've said the same things I'm saying now. Anyone who cares about you would be furious about what he's put you through."

I wipe away tears that keep on coming even as I wonder how there can still be more.

"Do you want to see Eric again?"

I nod.

"Then you should. You should do whatever it takes to be happy and feel better. If he makes you happy, run with it. You owe John nothing more than the five years of grief you've already given him. He didn't marry you or ask you to marry him or ask you to wait for him or anything that binds you to him in a way that would require you to feel guilty about moving on with someone else. Do you hear me on that, Ava?"

"Yes," I whisper.

After a long pause, she says, "How do you feel?"

"Devastated." It's the first word that comes to mind.

"That might actually be a good thing."

"How is that a good thing?"

"You're devastated because I'm forcing you to face the truth of what John did to you and continues to do to you all these years later. I'm telling you it's time to let him go and move on with someone who is right here, right now and obviously interested in you."

"Do I tell him about John?"

"Do you want to?"

"I feel like I should because he told me about what happened with his ex, but I wouldn't want him to tell his brother, who's married to my sister. I don't want to bring my family in on this."

"From what you've said about him, he seems like an upstanding kind of guy. Ask for his discretion beforehand. If you tell him it's important he not share what you're going to tell him with his brother and get his assurances that he won't, then it should be fine."

"Should beÉ"

"What's the worst thing that could happen if your sister and parents find out?"

"They'd be all over me, hovering and worrying andÉ" I shudder at the thought of it.

"And that'd last a couple of days, a week at most, and then they'd move on when they see that's what you're doing." She leans in. "If you want Eric to know about John, tell him, Ava. Just tell him and be done with it. And remember, as big a deal as this has been for you, it won't be as big a deal for him or anyone else. Everyone has their own crap to deal with."

Over her shoulder, I see the clock edging toward eleven. I can't believe I've been here almost two hours. Time flies when your soul is being flayed open and examined.

"If you're still speaking to me after today, I'd be happy to set up another appointment. We made great progress, but it takes time and a lot of work to really move forward."

I didn't like a lot of what she said to me, but I can't deny that she made valid points. "Another appointment would be good."

"Excellent."

Because I'm starting my new job this week, we make an appointment for this coming Thursday at seven p.m. Then I stand on legs that feel rubbery and extend my hand to her.

"I want to hug you," she says. "Is that okay?"

"Sure."

She comes around the table and embraces me. "I admire your strength, your loyalty, your courage and your fortitude," she says. "You have more than earned the right to be happy by yourself, with Eric or with someone else if he's not the one for you."

Her kind words bring more tears to eyes that feel gritty and tortured. "Some of this was hard to hear, but I appreciate your time and your perspective."

She hands me a business card. "My cell number is on there. I'm here for you any time you need me."

"Thank you so much."

"I'm rooting for you, Ava."

I leave her with a small smile and head for the door. I go downstairs and out into the warm summer day, taking deep breaths of the fresh air. I can't imagine how red and puffy my face must be. I retrieve sunglasses from my purse and put them on, hoping to hide some of the carnage. The deli that smelled so good to me on the way in makes me queasy now, so I walk past it to the corner and hail a cab.

After I'm in the car, my phone buzzes with a text from Skylar. Got called into work, grrrrr. Just checking to see how it went with Jess.

She was great, and very, very blunt.

LOL! That's my girl. She says it like it is.

Yes, she does. She said a lot of things I needed to hear. Still processing it all. Sorry you got called into work.

Just for a few hours. I'll see you later.

Thank you again for everything. I can't tell you what it means to meÉ

Any time. xo

:)