Ch 1 An Endless Sea PRELUDE

I've been famous since the day I was born. I never chose this life for myself, nor would I had I been given the opportunity. I can't go anywhere without someone knowing me by name or my physical appearance. I'm 6'1, very fit, with beautiful blonde hair and dazzling green eyes. I have multiple tattoos and piercings. It becomes exhausting constantly being under the public eye and having to watch every step you take. Who am I eating with, how dare I dress that way, is she pregnant, fans asking if I'll marry them, being forced into uncomfortable situations. There are a million reasons why I hate being famous. But the thing I hate the most is how my fame controlled every aspect of my life.

Another Boring Ass Award Ceremony

My mother and I were sitting opposite each other at our assigned table drinking a glass of wine while we waited for the results of song of the year. "Mama, do you think I should try singing or acting?" She laughed politely and responded, "Alison, how drunk are you?" I thought about it. **Well shit, where the hell am I even at? Did I even drink enough to get this drunk? Or did I not stop drinking from the previous night?** I looked at the woman in front of me through squinted eyes. "You're not my mom, where's my mom?" The faceless woman disintegrated before my eyes. I woke haphazardly and almost rubbed my eyes before remembering I had make-up on. Shit, they made me stay up all night to practice my song in case I win. No wonder I fell asleep at this stupid award ceremony. My therapist said I should be grateful for everything I have, but what is it I even possess? If I die today I have nothing tangible for myself. I could give all of this up. Is this even something I still want for myself? While I was amidst my reverie I heard the rookies being announced. "First place for song of the year goes to… Rachel Deiter!!!" I clapped politely. I told them last night when I was rehearsing that my song wasn't going to win. It wasn't even my song, just some song everyone has heard a million times before about money and booze. I want to be allowed to write for myself. I wonder what Rachel's song was about. I started searching for the lyrics on my iPhone.

Without Me

Lyrics and production by Rachel Deiter

You said, you said you'd be fine without me,

You can move on so easily, but it's not that easy.

I lay awake at night and reminisce about how you teased me, the manipulations masked in the way you pleased me. Now I watch my phone as your ringtone plays on repeat, I can't repeat this.

Chorus

You said you'd be fine without me, didn't like being around me. Feelings change on repeat, I can't keep up. Want me to drown with you but I won't do it anymore.

Give it up, I'm gone. Give it up, I'm gone without you. Take a risk and think about all of the grief that you gave me. But when you're all alone you still won't understand why you're there without me.

Chorus Repeat 2x

I read the lyrics and smiled. They're honest while withholding all of the mental and emotional abuse she suffered. I wonder if others noticed. I read some of the comments.

Xxracheliscutexx wrote: Rachel, hope you're feeling better now that you guys have broken up. I've been saying for 2 years that your relationship with Cameron seemed off. I hope you get the help that you need! Glad you're finally getting the fame and attention you deserve. Love from Wisconsin.

Toocoolforyou69420 wrote: I bet you're actually the manipulative one you nasty bitch.

I rolled my eyes, I don't know why people want to be ugly to strangers. I guess I sort of understand actually, in a way we're all entirely fucked up. Some people are just more vocal and rude about it and I guess we're all fucked up in different ways. Can people change? I'm not sure that's a sentiment I agree with.

Anonymous wrote: Keep your chin up. Other people's ugliness is never your fault. We all need to grow as people and admit that we're not always right. Remember what i taught you sweetheart, it's okay to be overwhelmed and take a break, it's never okay to take it out on other people. But if you mess up and do take it out on others then at least have the compassion to confront them head on and apologize for your mistakes. Sometimes we have to lose in order to win. Love you honey.

I'm not sure how I feel about this comment. It seems nice on the surface while trying to be manipulative. I clicked the replies. It didn't take people long to figure out it was Cameron. Poor girl can't get a break from this guy.

A brown haired girl leaned over in her Armani dress and pressed her lip to my ear so I could hear her through the clapping of the audience, "They want the rookies to sit together at the table up front, will you make your way up please?" I sighed, nodded and got up. I heard someone in the crowd laughing and asking me what nameless designer I had on this time. I snapped around, "She's not nameless, her name is Tayla Reinhardt and she designed this and spent her hard earned money on materials to make it specially for me!" The infamous actor Ron Don Jr. took an annoyingly patronizing tone and said, "Sweetheart, I know you're just the tender age of 25 but that 'fan' that mailed that to you is using your fame to make herself known." He grinned and I felt myself becoming infuriated. "Tayla has the right to use my fame does she not? I specifically asked on a TikTok live for fans that wanted to join the fashion industry to send me drawings of a design they would love to create for me. I promised I would wear the one I liked best to the award ceremony. Tayla came up with this beautiful teal ball gown meets miniskirt ensemble I'm wearing tonight. Plus the belt buckle straps are adorable. Tayla is extremely talented and versatile in her designing and it is my personal honor to show off her work." I scoffed and made my way over to the rookies table. I sat down next to an intensely sexy red headed woman whose nameplate said Teagan Sweet. She looked at me, "Alison, it's nice to see you again." I gave her a look of confusion, "Sorry?" She giggled, "The first time I met you was in my dreams. We were both naked. Would you like to come to my room and repeat it?" I felt my face flush red and I immediately looked down. I wonder if she was hired to find out my sexuality. I'm asked in every single interview and I avoid it in every single interview. I don't even know who I can trust and whose being sincere with me. I wonder if it's wrong of me to have one secret that is for me only. A secret of the heart, but unfortunately secrets of the heart are often the most painful.

Rachel Deiter sat down on the other side of me after my fit of embarrassment. "Are you sick? Do you want me to get you some ice?" Rachel genuinely looked concerned. "I'm fine, thanks. Do you know why they have us all sitting here?"

Teagan purred, "For the drama," as she sensually moved a strand of hair out of my face. Rachel was visibly upset, "Don't touch Alison like that, you're obviously making her uncomfortable." I looked over at her unsure what to think. Rachel was extremely new to fame so she had some weight to her that they haven't forced her to work off yet. Truth be told she is completely my style. Brown hair with dark brown eyes, a heart shaped face and a bit of an ass and maybe a C cup. How tall is she I wonder. I should look that up later. I shouldn't be staring at her so objectively when she's literally defending me. "So, Alison Marx, I heard you do voice acting in 7 languages. Why did you decide to try singing?" Rachel looked at me with genuine curiosity as she sipped on her glass of wine. "My mom always wanted me to be a singer, when she passed I thought it would be honoring her if I tried. I haven't really been able to write anything myself yet." Rachel breathed in and said, "Are you going to write it in English or one of the other languages you know?" Shit, I hadn't actually considered that. "I guess I will find out if they ever let me write something. All of my shows are on hiatuses at the moment so I have about a year off to find something new to try. I should use that time to work on my songs." Rachel set her hand on mine, "I have a proposition for you, it's actually the reason I had my sister ask you up here to this table." I turned to her quickly, "I wouldn't have been rude if I had known it was your sister, where is she? I want to apologize." I started to stand up. "Don't worry about it, she has thick skin. Plus she said she seen you fall asleep at your table so she was expecting you to be grumpy. She's bitchy too when she first wakes up. Back to what I wanted to ask you though." I nodded at her to continue. "They want me to star in a mini tv series about 2 women who fall in love through their shared passion for music. They said I could pick my costar. I don't know where you stand with the gay community, nor am I asking since we literally just met, but I'm wondering if it's something you'd be willing to consider." She pulled a card out of her cute dress pockets and slid it over to me. "Think about it and give me a call or a text. Actually, can I have your number too?" Teagan interrupted, "Don't you want my number too?" Rachel gave her a frank look, "Not really, I'm asking Alison to work with me, not you. I've heard you cause chaos on set. I looked up Alison's work records and all of the directors say they love working with her and she takes care of everyone on set. That's the kind of person I want to work with." I blushed way too hard at this. I swear my face betrays every emotion I have. Hopefully my make-up artist put on enough foundation to cover up my embarrassment. I noticed people had started getting up to leave so I quickly jotted my number down and handed it to Rachel before we parted ways for the night. I made my way to my limo and my manager was already inside waiting for me. "Did you have a nice time?" I laughed, "Yes, actually, I truly enjoyed myself tonight."