1 chapter 1

This year is exhausting really, it's merely the first day of the year and it already feels like the entire world is against me being happy, do you feel the same way too??

hi, my name is Ginger Walton and this book is about, well me and I'm gonna be taking you into the daily life of a normal teenager who just wants to find the real meaning of just being here, living daily, learning new things and regretting older decisions

Personally i find it weird that I'm writing about myself but i really hope that you find this interesting enough and learn something from it

***

It's already 2024 and many of us are excited, some are down and aren't looking forward to the new year, I think I'm just gonna slip right into the second category

if you have to ask me why, I'd give you a million reasons, but the first would be the death of my granny, on the 24th of February last year (2023), i lost the only person in my life that made me feel loved and welcomed no matter what, and ever since then I've been feeling incomplete

many of us have lost people in 2023, before my granny passed i didn't quite understand the pain that many have gone through, it's almost like you forget what it's like to be loved or the complete meaning of the word itself, mostly because that specific person made you feel that way and now that they just aren't there, you don't feel it anymore

It sucks, alot of people can't relate until they've really felt it, i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to go through the pain of someone close to you passing, I wouldn't want someone's world to simply crumble down and they just cannot do a thing about it, because that's how it feel's, as if you're trying to forget the pain and you're trying to be happy again but they're simply too far away or rather they just aren't there at all anymore

All you wanna do is scream and shout but you know you're not gonna be heard and you know that no one's gonna actually care because you lost the only one who did

when my granny was around, I didn't know what pain really was, there were family issues, boy issues, issues at school and so much more, mentally i was ruined but she made it all better, she made me feel whole and when she left, a really really huge part of me went along with her and it was as if i felt a different kind of "incomplete" that I've never felt before, as if I'm actually alone, and i have no one to speak to, no one to be cared by and no one to be loved by

it was traumatizing really, for the first few days, you don't realise that they actually aren't there, that they aren't coming back home this time from the hospital, that you're never gonna speak to them again, laugh with them again, share a meal or go on vacations, your mind tells you that they are but your heart knows that person isn't around and it soon enough accepts it, but months could pass and you just want them to come back and do all of those things with you

many would be ashamed of me if I had to tell them the ideas I had of bringing her back, black magic came to mind, then getting a Ouija board, from one myth to the next i wanted to try everything, many said standing infront of the mirror at 3 in the morning would connect you to the immortal world, i wanted to attempt that, from that to the next thing, I wanted to save all my money and visit a psychic, i don't find it to be stupid, so if anyone had to tell me that they'd try the same thing, I truly wouldn't judge them

Because in that moment, in those month's or weeks after, all you wanna do is speak to that person again and not just for one last time but you want to experience that "forever" you had planned with them and it occurs to you that it's impossible and that's when you begin to get depressed and then anger builds and from there everything seems wrong, seems incomplete, as if it's not meant to be happening...

***

So yea, this year seems tough for me, because last year this time, I was on a road trip with her, sharing snacks, arguing over the most dumb stuff but genuinely enjoying myself, feeling happy and complete, feeling loved, and today i lay in my bed alone, the entire day, while the rest of my family members celebrate and forget me

I don't like spending time with anyone anymore, so even if i was offered to spend time with someone today, I most probably won't, because well, they all have someone, my aunty has my uncle, my mom has her husband and well, I have no one, my granny was my partner, she was my soulmate, and as weird as this may sound, I mean who said that soulmates are only meant for lovers?

in my entire 17 years of living, i haven't felt this way about no man, the love i had for my granny, it's possible to feel that certain about someone but honestly i didn't, it's that feeling when you know that this person completes you and without them you'd be a disaster, it's when you know that life itself is never gonna be the same if they have to walk out, it's that pain you get in your chest just at the thought of losing them forever, and it's the love that you feel when you think of them, the love that you know you're never gonna feel again

It's weird really, the bond alot of us share with our grandparents, personally i know that my granny loved me more then she loved any another grandchild of hers and more then her own kids itself, I knew I was her entire world and truly she was mine aswell, and I never lived with anyone but her and my grandpa-