I.

A cold night and the wine was untouched in the bottle.

Dizzy, unfocused, lost.

He chuckles bitterly, turning the page. He didn't read it properly, but as long as he can avoid the eye contact he'll do anything to succeed.

It's not that he was too shy, but his eyes were his biggest enemies since forever.

Andrew take a sip of coffee, sitting comfortably on the bed. "So... Do you still love him?".

Deadly silence.

Frozen, lost, in pain. He didn't even look at the words now, he didn't even turn the page anymore.

"No, I never loved him, Andrew, love is nothing compared to what I feel. Do you think I can destroy something that was made out of fear, tears and blood?" he reply more like a whisper, trying to hold his tears.

Heavy inhalations followed by loud exhalations.

"I thought you were working on that, you were pretty happy the last time we talked about this." Andrew said, slightly disappointed.

He shows a sad smile, turning the page. "Don't be naive sweetheart, everyone can fake a smile. Or two... or three." he brushes his fingers on the page, closing his eyes. "But sometimes we just get tired and tired... " he speaks slowly, raising his head up. "And we show our face. See, I am like this beautiful page, and then-" he open his eyes and ripp off a page. "- I break. And there's no use in sticking me back, I won't ever be the same."

Andrew sigh, drinking more of his coffee. "Look, if I stick that page back I'll still be able to read the story."

"What if this happens?" he stares at the page that is now in his hand, ripping off pages from the entire book, turning them into pieces and throwing them all over. "What if there's a lot of pieces of me that are taken away? How do I work without them, huh? Can you read the book now?" his face is drowned in tears as his whole figure is shaking under the weak light that comes from the lamp.

No word was spoken for some time. Andrew had to pull it off in some unknown way.

"I could buy another book."

He drop the book on the floor, his eyes staring at the wall. "But I couldn't buy another book. There's no fucking book to match this one and I don't even think I'd want one. Could you replace your mother after she dies?" he asks coldly, wiping his tears.

"It's not like that. You -" Andrew try to explain him, but his words were cut off.

"It is like that!" he yells at Andrew, trying in vain to make him understand his pain. "You can't fucking do that because you love her! She raised you and made you the man you are today!" his voice express all his anger, pain and a bunch of mixed feelings that he doesn't know how to control and express, holding onto the armchair tightly. "I don't want to let go on someone that once made me the happiest person alive. I don't fucking want that! I don't want to find someone else, I don't want to feel happiness if it's not because of him, can you understand that? Can you understand that I feel the dirtiest person alive? That I feel like I'm the biggest sinner because I smile and he's not the reason why I do that!" he let go of the armchair, his knuckles starting to turn white. "I can't even drink anymore, look at this!" he sob loudly, showing him the bottle before smashing it on the wall. "I can't fucking drink because I see him! In the glass, in my reflection, in my thoughts... " he looks at the white stained wall. "When I close my eyes, when I open them, when I look at you! He's everywhere and yet not with me."

Danger, anger, tears.

Andrew got up and left the room. He didn't want to leave his friend, but he knew that his dear friend might beat him up in every second.

Silence, swollen eyes, coma.

☁︎︎

©iDamass2020