8. PEE AND DIP?

No, no, no.

This can't be happening to me.

How could I have been so stupid?

I berate myself again and again as I stare in disbelieve at the double lines, counting and recounting to be sure I'm not just seeing double.

A knock sounds on the bathroom door. "Rita, are you done?" Beth asks from the other side. She turns the knob and realizes it's been locked from inside. Why I did that, I can't say. It's not as if I'm doing anything secretive in the bathroom, guess I just need a little privacy to cry in pain or to laugh in relieve.

Beth had been the one to rush down to the pharmacy to get the kit, after quizzing me again and again. I had been too shocked to give coherent answers, fear gripping me as I will my mind back to three weeks ago.

We didn't use any form of protection.

Beth is knocking and talking relentlessly now, worry clear in her voice.

"Rita, talk to me." Another loud knock. "You've been there for over five minutes. How long does it take to pee and dip?" Another knock and rapid turning of the knob. "Rita!"

Pee and dip?

I almost laugh hysterically at Beth's description of my situation.

And yes, I'm in a situation. A careless, idiotic situation. I'm not going to deny or embellish it. The 'pee and dip' has confirmed it. I'm pregnant.

Stupidly, irresponsibly pregnant.

Pregnant for a man who is married to his pregnant lover. A man who doesn't care enough to call and find out how I'm doing. A man who has lied to me at every turn. A man I've given myself cheaply to, even when I knew I shouldn't.

A man I love with all my heart, but doesn't love me in return.

"Rita, I'll break this door down if you don't open it and answer me this minute!" Beth is still shouting from the other side.

I stare hard at the lines again, wishing the numbers will change. Willing it to change.

I unlock the bathroom door reluctantly and step out slowly, the 'pee and dip' still in my hand. Beth moves back a little to give me space. Her arms are folded on her chest and one foot is tapping impatiently as she stare at me in annoyance.

"Give me that!" She snatches the test kit suddenly out of my hand.

I watch her as she studies the kit, I can see worry and disappointment on her face and something that looks like fear.

"I knew it!" She exclaims, pinned me with angry eyes. "How did this happen Rita?"

I remain silent, my eyes downcast.

"Please tell me it was a broken condom or something quite understandable?" She continues sharply.

"There was no condom at all." I whisper.

"What did you say?" She cocks her head to one side.

I clear my voice and repeat myself louder. "I said we didn't use any form of protection."

"What! How could you? That's the height of irresponsibility."

My heart starts to beat faster as shame of Rita's words washes over me.

"Do you have any idea how this will alter your life?" She waves the kit in my face like a poisonous snake. I move slowly to the bed to sit down and cup my head in my hands. "Say something Rita!"

What do I say? I think to myself.

I'm sorry? No, too lame.

Maybe I should try humour, Beth don't look like she's in the mood for dry jokes.

I watch her from under my lashes as she pace in agitation from left to right in my small bedroom.

"How could you be so careless?" She is pacing and scolding now. "Did you know his health status? No! STDs and STIs are everywhere. He could've given you one as a souvenir."

I close my eyes and remain dumb.

"He got another woman pregnant for Christ's sake! Didn't you think of that before you let him shoot his little soldiers into you?"

I flinch. Beth is getting nastier by the moment.

"You didn't even think of your father." Her voice becomes deadly soft. "How do you want him to feel when he finds out that his boss's married son fucked his daughter repeatedly till she_"

"Stop!" I shout in pain, anger and embarrassment soaking through me. "I'm only pregnant, Beth. I didn't murder anyone."

"Only? You call pregnancy only?" She gazes at me incredulously, pain flashing in her eyes for a second. "News flash girlfriend, pregnancy result in babies, babies result in hard work and responsibilities. Are you ready for that?"

I stand up angrily to face her. "I don't know okay?" I reply hotly. "I've never been pregnant before, so I don't know what to expect. Whatever comes I'll face it, even if I have to face it alone."

She frowns heatedly. "You think I'll let you face it alone?"

I shrug, my shoulders stiff with tension and anxiety. "You've not really been thrilled with the news."

"Of course I'm not thrilled." She snaps. "You should have protected yourself, too many dangers out there that you're so not aware of."

I sit on the bed again, my heart and body so weary, fear of the unknown, and what the future holds dragging me down by the second.

Beth sits beside me and sighs. "I'm sorry I was hard on you." She turns her head to face me and I can see the deep pain she tries hard to hide from the world. "I just don't want any child to experience what I experienced."

I raise an eyebrow sarcastically. "And you think I'll let any child of mine go through that?" I cover her hand with mine on the bed. "I agree, I'm not ready for motherhood, I'll not deny that I'm scared, really scared actually. But I'll love and cherish my child, no matter what."

"I know." She groans. We both stay silent for sometime, still holding hands on the bed.

"When will you tell him?" She asks suddenly.

I don't need to pretend not to understand. "I'm not telling him."

She turns to stare at me sternly. "You'll tell him. He has to know."

"Why?"

"Because he's the father. He deserves to know."

I stand up and begin to pace restlessly. "I can't, Beth. He's married. I refuse to look desperate."

Beth sighs and stands also, she walks to me and grabs my shoulders to stop my pacing. I stare at her in alarm, the thought of telling James is filling me with inexplicable apprehension.

"For the sake of your baby, put aside your feelings and tell him."

I snatch my shoulders out of her hands. "What does my unborn child have to do with this? He deceived me, Beth." Tears of hurt pool in my eyes as I remember the last night we were together.

"He asked me to trust him." I whisper achingly. "And as the stupidly naive girl that I am, I believed him."

"Oh Rita." Beth pulls me close and hug me tight. "You're not naive, you're just a girl in love for the first time. We all do stupid things when we're in love."

I cling to her as I sob my heart out, letting the pain and stress of the past few weeks drain out of me. She pat and rub my back repeatedly, whispering soothing words.

"It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay." She pulls away and search my face. "You still have to tell him. Trust me, you wouldn't want your child to grow without knowing it's father, even if the said father is a scumbag."

"I'll be named a home wrecker. The baby mama. The pregnant mistress. The side chick." My eyes widen in horror as I think of all the disgusting names society call single mothers.

Beth roll her eyes in exasperation. "Just call him and say you need to see him urgently. See how he reacts."

I snort, turning towards the sitting room. "He hasn't called me back since yesterday, what's the assurance he'll pick this time around?" I fling myself on my long couch in the sitting room, my tummy tumble in protest.

"Just try." Beth snaps from the bedroom.

The sitting room window is still open, I can see the sun is completely gone and tiny stars are appearing in the sky, winking at me from my place on the couch.

Beth comes out some seconds later with a roll of tissue, and hands it over to me. I sit upright to blow my clogged nose, then I lean back till my head touches the couch's headrest. I heave a sigh and close my eyes, fatigue of the day gradually settling into me. I need to take a much needed bath. I haven't had the time since the whole pregnancy discovery drama.

Pregnancy discovery. I laugh inwardly, there should be an episode on discovery channel that discusses pregnancy, something like; how I discovered I was pregnant.

Something is tapping me on my thigh, I open my eyes slowly to see Beth with my phone in one hand and a bottle of water in another.

"This is your phone, call him." She stretches the phone to me. "This is water, drink it."

I glare at her, then glance at the clock on the wall behind her. "It's past seven, too late to call." I snatch the water from her. "Water, I can manage. But I'm hungry, you need to cook something salty."

She frowns, "something salty?"

"Yes." I stare at her with an air of superiority as I unscrew the bottle and gulp down some water. "It helps with nausea. Don't you know?"

Her frown becomes a glower. "How the hell am I suppose to know? I've never been pregnant."

I raise an eyebrow mockingly. "Then listen to the advance knowledge of a mother-to-be."

She rolls her eyes and snorts. "Just take the phone and call him, or I'll call your dad and tell him everything." She smiles wickedly, making me gasp.

"You wouldn't!"

She turns my phone to face her and starts to tap the screen. "Let's see... His number must be here somewhere in your call log..."

"Give me that." I snap, snatching my phone from her with an angry scowl. "I really do not think calling him is the best option right now."

"Humour me." She pulls the small coffee table closer and sits down, patiently waiting for me to make the call.

"There is nothing humorous in this situation Beth." My voice is beginning to wobble, fear gripping me again. "What if he's with his wife?"

She forcefully pull the water I am holding in a death grip out of my hand. "If you do not call him now, you'll keep postponing till it's too late. Just tell him he needs to see you urgently."

"Okay." I hold the phone with trembling hands and dail James's number.

"Put it on speaker." Beth orders. "I want to be sure you're truly calling him."

I give her a dirty look as I place the call on speaker. It rings continually, no response.

"I told you." I say with relieve. "He rarely pick my calls."

"Call him again." Beth orders again.

I frown ferociously, "I will not! I'm not hopelessly in need of a man. I and my baby can survive without the support of any man."

"I know." Beth nodded. "Just please, call him one more time."

I study her face, trying to decipher what she's up to. "And if he doesn't still pick?"

"I'll never talk about him again." She says solemnly.

It'll be nice if Beth never discuss James again, the mention of his name causes deep ache inside of me that I'm not sure will ever heal. I tap on my phone screen to redial James, miraculously, he picks on the first ring as if he was waiting for me to call back.

"Hello James." I say in a small voice.

"Rita." He replies curtly.

I frown and pause a little, the reply was cold. Too cold.

"I- I don't know if you're busy_"

"Yes, I'm busy. What do you want?" He cuts me off.

My confused frown increase, I glance at Beth and I can see her frown mirrors mine.

"Uhm... Ca- can we see?" I stutter.

"No, we can't." His reply is bluntly cold. "Not now, not ever."

"James?" I ask to be sure it's him. Could I have dialled a wrong number?

"Listen Rita. You've gotten what you've always wanted, and so have I." His abrupt words slice through me. "Let's just call it a satisfying business deal for all parties involved and move on."

"What?" I whisper in shock as I stare unseeing at Beth, tears dropping from my eyelids to my cheeks.

He laughs harshly, the sound vibrating down the line. "You're surprised? Well, I should have guessed when you gave youself so cheaply that first night." His voice going harder with each word. "I can't say I lost since I've fucked you in everyway and almost everywhere. I guess we both got something nice out of the deal."

I gasp in pain as he continue to shred my heart into pieces.

"I hope you fulfill all your dreams and ambitions. Don't call me again. Be satisfied with what you've gotten. I don't want to have anything to do with you again. Ever."

And the line goes off.

Beth and I continue to stare at each other in shock. Now I truly believe what The Dracula had said. James just used me as a pastime, his last fling before tying the knot. He isn't coming back to me.

I didn't realize I still had a little hope that all will be well, that James will come crawling, telling me how much he loves and misses me, asking me to marry him so we can raise our child as a family, in love and unity.

I was living in Lala land, building castles in the air, believing in fairy tales. I obviously was dreaming before, now I've woken up to harsh reality.

I can't say I lost, since I've fucked you in everyway and almost everywhere...

My stomach roils instantly, nausea coming strong and insistent. I jump up from the couch and run to the bathroom, I've barely open the toilet seat before the retching starts. Beth is right behind, patting my back. I retch and heave repeatly, my body shaking from the force.

Finally it subsides, Beth places a cool towel on my face and neck. "It's going to be alright, you'll see." She says softly.

I stare at her uncomprehendingly, the blow of James's cutting insults still smashing through me.

"Come, it's time for you to shower."

I rise up slowly from the floor tiles with Beth's help. My legs are weak and uncooperative but I force them to carry my weight to the shower space.

I strip slowly, still in daze, my body working automatically. Beth looks on, distress written all over her face, as I turn on the shower to full blast, wishing the hot water can reach the painful pieces of my heart.

I wash and wash, scrubbing hard till my skin is tender, trying to wash away my shame, my gullibility, my disgrace.

The shower turns off abruptly. I raise my head to meet Beth's scowling face, worry lurking in her eyes. "That's enough. It's time to get out and get dressed."

She grabs me gently, places a towel lovingly around me like I'm a baby, and leads me back to the bedroom. A tray with a covered dish sits on the edge of the bed, making me realize how hungry I am.

"Get dressed and come eat." Beth tells me.

My brows furrow. "When did you cook?"

"I didn't cook, it's fruit salad." She moves toward my sleepwear drawers, "I made it while you were in the shower."

She picks a nightie and hands it over to me. "Wear this and come eat. Your baby needs food."

I obey without question.

Within minutes I'm eating the fruits hungrily, with Beth watching me with concern.

"Eat it slowly." She admonishes softly. "So you don't upset your tummy again."

I try to slow my eating pace. "I know, I'm just so hungry."

"Yeah, that's pregnancy hormones."

I eat some more, almost clearing the dish, the taste of the fruits sweeter and more succulent than normal.

"I think that's enough. Don't lie down yet, just relax on these pillows." Beth says, stacking some pillows behind me on the bed. "I'll be right back." She starts to clear the dish and tray. I watch her for a while, what have I ever done to deserve Beth's love and friendship? I grab her arm as she makes move to leave.

"Thank you Beth." I whisper, putting all my emotions and gratitude into the few words.

Her eyes softens as she looks at me. "You would do the same for me."

Tears threaten to fall but I blink it away. I've cried enough, time to be strong for myself and my baby. Beth leans down to kiss my forehead in a loving maternal gesture, then she leaves the room.

I watch her go with a little smile on my lips

Come to think of it, Beth has always been like a mother to me. Pampering, teaching and scolding as a mother would to her child. If anyone is a natural mother, it'll be Beth, but I know the fear of pregnancy or baby is the beginning of wisdom for her. That's why she flipped out when she learnt of my pregnancy.

I crawl with my butt to the pillows she stacked for me on the bed, I place my head on it and close my eyes.

God, I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally drained.

I can hear my phone ringing from somewhere in the house, Beth enters with it, stretching it to me. "Your mum is calling."

I roll my eyes as I take it from her. Dad must have informed mum of my issue with The Dracula and her son, he didn't even wait long before tattling to her.

I pick mum's call and place the phone to my ears. "Hey mum."

Beth is still hanging around, hovering like a mother hen, ready to rip into anyone that dares to upset her precious girl.

"Rita." Mum is crying uncontrollably, and talking incoherently. I can barely understand her. My eyes widen in alarm, mum rarely cry this much.

"Calm down mum, stop crying and tell me what's wrong."

Beth sits near me on the bed and looks on with concern. Mum was still sobbing hard, trying to calm down enough to talk. "Rita, it's grandma."

"What's wrong with grandma?" My voice is trembling in panic.

"She's dead. She died this evening." Mum sobs with fresh tears choking her voice."

"What? She's dead?" I whisper in despair.

Beth snatch the phone from me and step outside the room, I can hear her talking on low tones with mum. I close my eyes as sorrow and misery threaten to drag me down.

How much bad news can I handle before I breakdown completely. I wasn't so close to mum's mother but she's still my grandma and I can feel mum's pain through the phone.

Beth returns without my phone. "You have to forget everything and sleep." She says firmly. "Stress is not good for your condition."

I sigh and remain silent.

She moves closer to cover me with the blanket on the bed. "Please sleep. Everything will be okay, I promise." Her voice is soft and soothing. I concentrate on it, not bothering to understand the words, just her voice, as I let sleep overtake me.