Silky Smooth Skin

"Request denied."

"What! Jijii, pleeeaase."

"Naruto, you cannot leave the village each time you have a disagreement with Minato-kun," Sarutobi reprimanded absently, eyes glued to the document in front of him.

"That's not why I'm requesting this mission," Naruto protested.

"Oh?" The Hokage scribbled a sloppy signature.

"I just–"

"Mmhmm."

"Jijii! Are you listening to me?"

"Can you honestly say is it not because of Minato-kun?" Sarutobi muttered.

The blonde grimaced. "I need to get Iwa's financial data."

Sarutobi looked up flatly. "You know best that the financial statements will not be released until the end of March. I will not allow you to leave for this mission until the beginning of April."

"I also need to check out the Dream Village for their combat henge techniques."

"You also know that there is no need to collect combat jutsu for another year. You said so yourself."

The Hunter-nin quickly gave his best puppy-eye look.

"What if I do half of your paperwork for a month? Or if I tell you what happens in Icha Icha Tactics?"

Sarutobi's mouth tightened regretfully. "Regardless of what you offer, I will not allow you to leave the village unless there is a valid reason. Do not forget, you already have a mission here."

"Tch, foiled," Naruto grumbled under his breath.

"However, I have a treat for you, gaki." Sarutobi leaned back and took a drag from his pipe. "Your Spring Shinobi Assessment is two days from now."

Naruto paled. "That's a treat? No way, I'm definitely getting out of this village."

"I suspect you will be very happy about the Combat Assessment portion."

The blonde perked up. "Do I get to beat up Tiger?"

Sarutobe looked mildly amused. "No, better. However, you will have to be in the village to find out who it is."

"It's not Minato, right?"

"No." The elder man exhaled in exasperation. "However, I expect you to have resolved your differences by then. Now, leave me to my work."

"But…"

Sarutobi opened his mouth but closed it without uttering a word. A thoughtful expression crossed his face. He squashed the devious urge to hunch his shoulders and rub his hands conspiratorially.

Instead, he schooled his face into a somewhat peculiar grandfatherly smile.

Oblivious, Naruto continued talking.

Sarutobi's hand inched forward.

An instant later, a fist-sized paperweight smacked straight into the blonde's unsuspecting face.

"Ow!" Naruto yelped from the floor, clutching his nose. "Crazy old man! What the hell was that for?"

"Bull's-eye." Impish satisfaction adorned the wise face of Konohagakure's great leader. "It seems decades of paperwork have yet to ruin me."

"#&%$!"

Whispers spread through the ANBU Headquarters. The words "Fujiwara Transportation Corporation", "killed", and "ownership" were most prominent among them.

Minato stalked through the halls, catching snippets of conversations. He shook his head and tried to ignore them because thinking about the topic of those whispers led to thoughts of a particular person. He also didn't need to listen since he already knew the details.

After the Kage Kaigi, Akashiori had executed the final phase in the takeover of Fujiwara Transportation Corporation – one which was achieved through assassination rather than the typical financial acquisition.

Fujiwara Transport controlled over half of transportation services of Konoha. Much of the village's major imported commodities such as copper and sugar were shipped on Fujiwara routes by Fujiwara transportation units. Its network spanned over much of Fire Country, making the company a major asset of Konoha but also a major threat.

The company amassed sizeable yearly revenue, but the problem was that not all was from legal markets. Under the current Fujiwara leader, the company had grown rapidly but it had also fallen under corruption; their services had expanded into smuggling drugs and other illegal goods. While the Hokage employed shinobi to investigate, the Fujiwara clan also employed shinobi to escape detection.

Months ago, Akashiori had infiltrated the company to gather information and evidence. During his investigation, he found that the Fujiwara and Nara clans were very closely related by blood. Armed with this information, he planted doubts and false evidence between the owner of the company and his heir which had escalated to internal conflict between the two men in a struggle for control of the company.

Finally, the night before, Akashiori had staged a situation which caused the Fujiwara head to murder his own son. The father had been arrested for life, and control of the company was passed to the Nara clan without any suspicion on the acquirer. With this development, Shikaku could gradually clean up the business, greatly reduce illegal trafficking in Fire Country, and utilize trade routes reliably in war.

Minato shook his head again, this time in mild disbelief. That was all Akashiori's idea. Naruto's idea. And it had been planned months before Shikaku had been recruited. It had been completely executed by him alone, and the legalities were settled by him alone as well.

There was so much more to Naruto than what anyone saw at first sight, or any sight for that matter.

This was the point where Minato had stumbled. He had become accustomed to being Naruto's only friend, but now there was Hatake (he couldn't help but now refer to him with disrespect) who had worn that almost haughty expression at knowing what he didn't. Minato knew 'haughty' was an exaggeration and information was released on a need-to-know basis, but he couldn't help feeling the same as he did in Suna: left out. Except this time Hatake's reaction made the feeling seem personal.

And irrational, Minato reminded himself.

He wasn't usually an irrational man. He could probably count the number of occasions he had been irrational in his life on his two hands and could back up that claim with his exceptional memory. Minato clenched those hands as the tempting image of Hatake with a bloody nose floated forward in his thoughts. For reasons unknown, he felt angry and betrayed.

The blonde took a guess that the Shinobi Rules were established for situations like this, and though he didn't know it, he was right on the money.

Rule Number 25: A shinobi must never show emotion.

A flicker of yellow in rapid movement drew his eyes to his right. What he saw was the subject of his thoughts fast-walking through ANBU shinobi around the cafeteria, heading right toward the hallway the ANBU Captain had just exited. Naruto looked almost comically distressed to be navigating the ANBU Headquarters alone.

Naruto paused in surprise when his gaze connected with Minato's, his stormy azure eyes immediately flickering side to side for escape before hardening. They stopped in front of each other to meet two pairs of defiant eyes and stood still for several moments. In their appraisal, neither noticed the shinobi around them quiet to watch them curiously.

As if in silent agreement, both nodded sharply and spoke in unison.

"Let's fight this out."

Their soft voices carried across the apprehensive crowd. The ANBU knew of the prodigious Captain's prowess, and they had all heard about Uzuhara's fight against Jackal. Many had also heard about what had happened to ANBU Training Ground 4 during Uzuhara's Combat Assessment. Now these two shinobi fiends looked as if they wanted to pound each other into the dirt, and that just made the entire situation ten times more frightening.

Minato yanked Naruto to him by his waist and Hiraishin-ed them to Training Ground 4. They jumped apart to opposite sides of the newly reconstructed terrain.

"Now that I can fight as both Naruto and Akashiori, let's see how you fare against both."

Minato gave a rare, wicked smirk. "Don't think for a moment that I'm not prepared to face you both, Naru-chan. I've seen and studied both of your fighting styles very closely."

Naruto snorted and matched the smirk. "You've only seen two of Akashiori's fights firsthand, and you haven't seen us together. Combined, we're a clash of styles which makes us different from before."

"Then I look forward to the challenge."

They sank into respective fighting stances.

"Loser apologizes."

"You're on."

ANBU Captain and Hunter-nin blurred into action.

BOOM

The ANBU Headquarter compound shuddered. The shinobi in the vicinity froze.

WHOOSH

It shuddered again. Everyone waited for the broadcast for red alert.

CRASH

None came. The ANBU as a whole sighed in relief but winced as another explosion shook the building. The shinobi migrated to the source of the sounds and were delighted to see two battered blondes standing in the half demolished training field: uprooted trees, fractured boulders, upturned and scorched ground.

"And it's only been five minutes," someone muttered.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

The audience waited for copies of Uzuhara to appear, but oddly, he remained alone.

Minato tensed, immediately spreading his senses in all directions. He'd never seen Naruto perform this sequence and guessed it was Akashiori's. Suddenly, the ground glowed red, and his body was sinking into the ground. Only instinct saved him from being engulfed by molten rock. He glanced sharply over at Naruto who was also standing on the liquid ground by chakra under his feet.

"A little trick I created while my clones and I were playing with fire." Naruto bounced gleefully. "This makes it more fun, doesn't it?"

He bent down and covered his hand in chakra before scooping a glob of molten rock and flinging it at the ANBU-nin.

"What the…" Minato dodged the incoming projectile which toppled a tree behind him.

Minato retaliated with his own glob which hit Naruto's side, burning deeply into his flesh. Then Minato followed the throw with a bullet of water which smashed into the Hunter-nin's stomach, effectively injuring the blonde and cooling the burn with one attack.

"First blood is mine, Naru-chan."

Clutching his burn, Naruto scowled.

Extending chakra out from his hands, Naruto shoveled into the soft ground and hoisted a human-sized orb. Minato's eyes widened in horror along with those of all the shinobi watching as the red, molten globe was launched in his direction. He barely leapt out of the way, flipping into the air in a somersault before diving to roll on his chakra-covered back to avoid a second, even larger globe.

The first globe splashed the edge of the pond which sizzled angrily, and the other barreled into trees, adding another five-thousand square feet to the training ground field.

"Hokage-sama and the ANBU Commander are going to chew them out for this," Lion whispered to Leopard. "This'll take years to reconstruct without Mokuton…"

Their attention was captured again when the ANBU Captain leapt to the unaffected portion of the clearing and shouted:

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

A toad the size of a small house appeared with a puff of cloud.

"Gamajyou, I need your help to harden the ground. Ready?"

"That's the kid Chief was laughing about?" Gamajyou grumbled loudly. "Hmph, let's knock the brat down a few notches."

"Suiton: Teppoudama (Gunshot)!"

A series of gigantic cannonballs of water shot out of the toad's mouth to cover the melted ground.

Naruto pouted and pulled out a handful of senbon. "Minato! You party-pooper! We didn't get any snow this year, so I thought we could have a lava-ball fight!"

Everyone sweatdropped…

Naruto jumped to avoid a gigantic watery cannonball and threw a flurry of senbon at the toad. Minato leapt to deflect them, but a multitude of shadow clones appeared behind the two to fling more from all directions. With his speed, the older blonde managed to deflect all, but three slipped through his guard, hitting three major tenketsu points on Gamajyou's neck, stomach, and spine. The toad crumbled mid-attack and vanished with a puff.

"Not merely with humans – I have great knowledge of toad anatomy as well." Naruto in his Akashiori persona dashed towards Minato. "Worry not, no long-term damage was inflicted."

Minato met the Hunter-nin in the middle of the hardened ground, unsheathing his katana to block Akashiori's wakizashi in a loud clang of metal and sparks. Both blondes leapt backwards only to charge at each other again, engaging in a taijutsu-kenjutsu match.

The audience could barely keep up with the two shinobi blurring in and out around the field. They could only hear the sharp sound of metal on metal until Uzuhara jumped back and refrained from charging again. Blood flowed generously from a slash on his arm.

"Second blood," Minato taunted. "Have you been shirking training?"

The Hunter-nin snarled at Minato, as well as at his own carelessness. He leapt forward, blood flying in a trail behind him, to drop into one of the strangest fighting styles the surrounding ANBU had ever seen. It was much slower than the previous style but more fluid. The moves were a smooth mix of offensive and defensive which slipped easily around the Captain's offensive attacks. Those defensive movements then transitioned almost inconceivably into offensive attacks which somehow were placed exactly where the larger blonde appeared.

Slash marks appeared on Minato's body each time he closed in to deliver a hit on Naruto.

Someone gasped, "His eyes are closed!"

And they were indeed closed. Naruto smirked at the exclamation as he concentrated on the chakra movements of his opponent rather than the visual. The style was an original mix of Uzumaki Naruto's unpredictable, offensive wakizashi taijutsu, Akashiori's defensive steady-palm taijutsu, and Rock Lee's Drunken Fist. It was his ultimate fighting style which had beaten Maito Gai hands down.

After ten minutes of exchanging blows, Minato was finally able to halt Naruto's blade with his own.

Eyes flying open, the Hunter-nin instantly lowered his stance for greater stability. Instead of jumping back, he pressed his body forward under Minato's arms and jabbed his elbow into his gut.

Minato twisted to his side, allowing circular motion to lessen the impact, then spun around and behind the smaller blonde. Once in position, he whipped out a kunai and slashed Naruto in the back before jumping away. Naruto grunted, catching himself with a shaky hand as he stumbled forward.

Painfully straightening his injured spine, he passed his short sword into his left hand and formed one-handed seals with his right.

"Fuuton: Shinkougyoku (Vacuum Sphere)!"

A barrage of bullet-like wind pelted towards Minato. Naruto then snapped his fingers and whispered inaudibly.

"Houfuku no Honoo* (Flames of Retribution)."

Each bullet was engulfed in Hunter-nin Black Fire as it flew at the ANBU Captain, gaining speed from the added power of the fire.

With an abrupt shout of surprise, Minato threw one of his three-pronged Hiraishin kunai to the side and activated the seal before it even landed on the ground. However, before he had fully teleported himself, the black flames of one bullet licked his thigh.

When Minato reappeared in mid-air, the fire had spread, feeding greedily on flesh and fabric with a mind of its own. Like the older blonde had done, Naruto who had returned to his Uzuhara persona launched water at his friend to kill the fire, but unlike the older blonde, Naruto's water attack was like a waterfall dumped over the Captain, drenching him from head to toe.

He stuck his tongue out at Minato. "That was for payback for ruining my uniform, idiot!"

Scattered murmurs spread through the crowd. While very few shinobi of regular or ANBU force ever came across a Hunter-nin on a mission, there were rumors and speculations about the Hunter-nin Black Fire which was said to be the organization's signature technique. Though several had tried to recreate it, no one outside of the Hunter-nin Corps knew how to perform the jutsu, and throughout the decades of its supposed existence, not a single Hunter-nin had betrayed the well-guarded secret.

But just a moment ago, Uzuhara Naruto had performed what looked like the rumored Black Fire. No one could attest to its authenticity, but Uzuhara's technique piqued the interests of those who knew of the rumors.

Among the bystanders, Tiger opened his mouth to reveal Uzuhara's secret but was stopped by Jaguar's killing intent from next to him.

"Don't," was all Jaguar said sharply, snapping this teammate's jaw shut with a forceful hand beneath his chin. Tiger growled under his breath but stayed silent when the stoic man's hand retreated.

On the field Minato fumed, tugging at his soaked pouch. "Naruto! That was uncalled for! My water jutsu only splashed you."

"But yours hurt! Mine only got you wet," Naruto retorted, crossing his arms defensively. "You should have reinforced your pouch, Seal Master-saaaan– "

Naruto's taunt was abruptly cut off with an undignified squawk as a Hiraishin kunai shot at his face, followed by Minato's sudden flash of yellow.

"Kawarimi!"

Minato's chop to the neck connected for a moment, but Naruto performed a switch with a shadow clone in mid-hit, the Naruto clone dispelling with a yelp and a puff at the impact.

Naruto rubbed the agonizing pain on the back of his neck in relief at escaping half of a blow which would have knocked him unconscious.

"Master of Kage Bunshin," Minato huffed.

Suddenly, wind was knocked out of his lungs as he was blasted forward by an explosion. Naruto's explosive seal! Then a foot connected with his ribs from underneath, throwing him high into the air like a ragdoll. Ignoring pain from a rib or two which had most certainly snapped, Minato activated the Hiraishin seal he had managed to place on the other just moments earlier. Naruto felt the subtle heat of a seal activate on the spot he was massaging and blurred away just in time to separate himself from Minato's appearance and kunai slash next to where he had been standing.

"You always impress me with your speed, Naruto." The older blonde's voice and eyes held obvious pride in his friend. "No one else would have been able to avoid that."

Naruto blushed from the unexpected compliment and dipped his head to hide his face; many of the kunoichi in the crowd couldn't help but "awwww!" at the adorable gesture, causing him to flush a deeper pink and rub the back of his head in embarrassment.

Minato staggered over to the Hunter-nin and extended a hand to ruffle his messy hair.

"How about we call it a tie?"

Naruto looked up and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah…sounds good to me."

He frowned at the cuts which littered Minato's body. "Can you teach me medical jutsu in case you can't heal yourself someday?"

Minato smiled as he slung an arm over Naruto's shoulders. Both of them stumbled out of the destroyed training ground to meet Jaguar who was waiting at a bench with a medical kit and emanating clear disapproval even with his face hidden behind the mask.

"Captain. Uzuhara-san. I hope you had a good reason for this."

Both blondes looked at him innocently.

Jaguar sighed, tending to Minato's burn. "Nevermind, I don't want to know."

Although the crowd began to thin, many still remained in place, gawking as if waiting for an encore. Naruto attempted to glare them away but failed miserably, only eliciting identical snorts from both Minato and Jaguar.

Lion and Leopard approached them. "Nice job, you two. Good seeing you again, Aka."

Naruto was stumped by the warmth in their eyes. Warmth directed at him. There was none of the usual hostility that even Sasuke had shown when they met behind masks. Sasuke hadn't known his identity, but it had hurt all the same.

"Uhh…you too. Lion and Leopard, right…?"

The two exchanged amused glances before turning back to Minato and Naruto.

"You two better disappear for a few days until the Commander and Hokage-sama calm down," Leopard said.

"They're going to be hopping mad," Lion continued.

"Commander was angry the last time you two destroyed Ground 4."

"It took five months to fix!"

"Now you've messed it up again…"

"And this time makes last time look like child's play…"

"Good luck, mates."

"We'll get your coffins ready."

Naruto looked back and forth between the snickering pair as terror spread through him. The four ANBU-nin looked at him in surprise as his head dropped into his hands.

Naruto moaned. "I have my spring Shinobi Assessment in two days, and Sandaime-Jijii's going to be there to nail my ass."

Minato's three teammates stared at Naruto in astonishment.

"Hokage-sama will be watching your assessment?" Lion asked incredulously.

The distraught blonde nodded pitifully, missing the reason for Team 9's shock. "And he won't let me out of the village. I proposed an important mission and even offered him porn. He shot down everything. He rejected porn!"

"Naruto…I don't think you are supposed to spread word of Hokage-sama's perverseness."

Naruto eeped and clapped his hands over his mouth.

However, Minato's teammates paid the Hokage's apparent unsavory hobby no heed; they were stuck on the comment that the village leader would personally watch his assessment, something which only occurred with the highest level shinobi such as the Sannin and ANBU Captains.

While the four ANBU and Naruto talked, Tiger stood off to the side, watching the Hunter-nin intensely. He was having difficulty reconciling Aka who had been so cold when they first met and this Uzuhara who was so frank and unguarded.

Tiger strode towards the group, jaw clenching as Uzuhara's eyes snapped to his figure and hardened.

Tiger grimaced. Uzuhara's vigilance was his fault, he thought, unable to discern whether he felt contempt, curiosity, or guilt towards the Hunter-nin. Maybe a bit of all three.

As he filled the space beside Leopard, Minato smiled up at him from his seat on the bench.

"Hey Tiger, did you watch too?"

Tiger nodded. "Impressive as always, Captain," he replied but his eyes didn't leave the smaller blonde's.

Naruto stared up defiantly, silently daring the ANBU to say anything.

"How did you make it into the Corps?" The question tumbled out of Tiger's mouth.

"Huh?"

"I asked, how did you make it into the Corps?" It was repeated with more force.

A moment of tense silence.

Naruto chuckled. The chuckles grew into mirthless laughter and then almost hysterical guffaws. Abruptly, he stopped.

"I get it now, Tiger-san." He gave an eerie smile completely devoid of humor. "You applied to the Corps but were rejected."

He didn't look for an answer because he already knew.

The ANBU-nin sneered. "What did you have that I didn't?"

The chuckles started again, but this time it was tinged with darkness. "You applied to the Corps without even knowing. I bet you even applied twice."

The tightening of the jaw gave the man away.

"You should be glad you didn't make it." Naruto smirked.

Tiger bristled.

"Wait wait, let me finish. You should be happy to have been rejected because that means you lacked the most vital ingredients. You asked what I had that you didn't, right?"

Tiger nodded sharply.

"What I had that you were missing was trauma and controlled insanity." All five men of Team 9 looked at him in confusion.

"You didn't have what it takes to handle the darkness of the job because you yourself haven't experienced enough darkness. Even though we see little of each other, all Hunter-nin understand each other very well because we've all suffered. Neglect, abuse, betrayal, loss, torture, rape. You name it, there's someone who's survived it. Because of that, we don't know how to function among untainted shinobi anymore." Naruto closed his eyes in a thoughtful pause. "Sure, some of us suffered more than others, but we're all connected by our pain. Tiger-san, I was – am still – the most qualified Hunter-nin in Corps history."

"Very few shinobi have felt more than I." Naruto opened his wild eyes to show their horrified faces a sample of the now tightly reigned insanity within him. "You all saw my control slip in Rain. This's why the Corps demands perfect chakra control; perfect control over chakra means perfect control over the mind."

"You should be happy to have been rejected, Tiger-san, because it means you're sane."

"Alright, enough of that depressing stuff!" Naruto's eyes cleared, and his lips formed a lopsided grin. "I'm hungry and I have to apologize to Minato. I got Sandaime-Jijii to add ramen to the cafeteria menu once a week; there's no way I'm missing that today."

Team 9, excluding Minato, was taken aback by the sudden 180 degree change in the Hunter-nin's demeanor.

Naruto stood and stretched his arms above his head before grabbing Minato's hand to drag him towards the main building, leaving four elite shinobi frozen and speechless.

"Shit, we ANBU are assholes…" Tiger whispered.

"Do you think I overdid it?" Naruto asked as he pulled Minato through the hallways, tightening his grip on the larger hand apprehensively.

Minato tugged the smaller blonde towards him, stopping them in a deserted hall.

Leaning his back against the wall, he gathered Naruto into a tight hug. "You didn't. It was fine. I know my team well enough to know that they understand now."

"They'll think Hunter-nin are bigger freaks."

"They won't."

Naruto wrapped his arms around the constant pillar of his strength.

"Do you think we're freaks?" He laid his cheek on a shoulder.

Minato shivered at the breath ghosting across his skin.

"No, never."

Naruto shifted closer and buried his face into his friend's neck.

"I'm sorry for not telling you," he said in a small voice.

Minato tilted his head back onto the wall behind him. "It's not your fault. I was being irrational, and I'm so sorry." He lifted a hand to run his fingers through Naruto's hair.

"I should have told–"

"No. I was the one being stupid. You did nothing wrong," Minato said firmly. "I just saw that Sakumo-senpai knew, and he looked so smug about it so…I got jealous…"

Naruto's head jerked up. Minato couldn't help but miss the weight.

"Jealous?" The Hunter-nin's brow furrowed in bewilderment.

Minato nodded, lowering his head to place his forehead against Naruto's. He dropped his hand back down around the smaller blonde's waist to rub small, soothing circles with his thumb and was pleased to feel tension seep out of the lean body.

"I'm used to having you to myself so I got jealous of senpai. I knew it was wrong to feel spiteful but I couldn't help it and directed my anger at you. I'm sorry, so don't apologize again, okay?"

"Oh…" A slight pink dusted across Naruto's cheeks.

"Hmmm, I'm fine with Kakashi-kun, but for some reason, the way Sakumo-senpai acts around you gives me a bad feeling. I want you to be careful around him, alright?"

Unable to form words, the smaller blonde nodded.

"I hope you aren't mad at me, Naruto."

"No!"

Minato smiled gratefully.

He lifted his face to brush a light kiss on Naruto's bare forehead before grabbing a hand to pull him towards the cafeteria.

Behind him, Naruto blinked owlishly. Slowly, as what happened moments before registered in his mind, he absently raised his free hand to touch his forehead.

The pink on his cheeks bloomed into a full, crimson blush.

He prayed to Kami that the blush would fade by the time they arrived at the cafeteria, but he doubted it would happen in time.

What he didn't see was that Minato's cheeks were just as red as his.

After two days of dodging messengers from a very angry Hokage, Naruto's assessment date arrived. He dragged his feet reluctantly to Training Ground 5 for the Combat portion. He also dragged a very reluctant Minato by the arm. If he had to face the wrath of Sarutobi Hiruzen, he wasn't going to do it alone.

"Oh shit."

At Naruto's cursing, Minato snapped his head to the view in front of them.

"Commander…" he whispered, heart sinking as he saw both the Hokage and the ANBU leader waiting for them. "Naruto, we're going to die today."

"At least we won't die alone…" Naruto tried to console both Minato and himself but felt even worse after saying it. "We're the fastest in Konoha right? What if we ran now? Missing-nin life doesn't sound too bad… sounds pretty exciting, actually."

"We'd have the entire ANBU and Hunter-nin forces on our tails for the rest of our lives…"

"Okay, okay, bad idea."

Naruto almost whimpered, recalling the dreadful punishment the Sandaime had given him as a child for switching the signboards of all the stores in Konoha proper. Apparently, he had walked into a lingerie shop by accident instead of the bookstore.

Naruto personally thought the 'by accident' part was a lie, and that he shouldn't have been punished since the old man ended up with porn either way.

The two blondes stood stiffly in front of the two intimidating leaders, one with a tick above his greying eyebrow and the other with irritation rolling off of his rigid posture. Naruto didn't even want to imagine what the irritated Commander's face would look like behind that snarling animal mask.

"Minato-kun. Naruto," Sarutobi began.

"Hey," Naruto exclaimed. "How come you sound angrier at me?"

Sarutobi glared at the interruption. "Because, Naruto, you are responsible for most of the damage on Training Ground 4."

"No I wasn…okay I was," Naruto corrected himself quickly when killing intent began to leak out of the Hokage.

Sarutobi opened his mouth to speak only to be interrupted again.

"You said to fix things with Minato, so I did!" Naruto hid behind the taller blonde and peered over a shoulder. "I was just following your orders, Jijii."

The Commander coughed to the side, irritation calming as his amusement grew.

Sarutobi directed a glare at the Commander before focusing back on the troublemaker. My idiotic subordinates! He fumed inwardly.

"I will give you an ultimatum. Win against your Assessment opponent today, or else for the next six months you will join genin teams on D-rank missions in your free time."

Naruto blanched.

"Y-You mean the Commander?"

"What if that was the case?"

"I'll just take the D-ranks and fight Minato instead! How the hell do you expect me to survive against the ANBU Commander? You've gone senile, old man…"

The Commander coughed again, irritation evaporating at the last comment.

"Naruto–"

"No, Uzuhara-kun," the masked man cut in, "I am not your opponent today, although I look forward to a match someday."

Naruto's shoulders sagged in relief, and he stepped out from behind his friend in a much better mood.

"So, who is it then?"

Sarutobi finally gave up his fury as a futile cause.

"I mentioned this assessment would be a treat, and I believe you will consider it so. However, he is…late." He shook his head. "Minato-kun, could you retrieve my wayward student from you-know-where?"

"No need, sensei." A large figure landed heavily between them. "The great Jiraiya-sama has arrived!"

Naruto stumbled backwards as he took in the large man posing on the back of a toad. Fewer wrinkles and shorter hair. But the same perverted leer which gave away where he had been moments before.

"No…"

Minato caught the smaller blonde before he could stumble again.

"Him…?" Naruto asked weakly.

"Naruto, your opponent is my student, Jiraiya."

The man leapt off of the toad to stand in front of the weak-kneed Hunter-nin.

"So you're the cutie that's gotten himself into a bind." Jiraiya circled the blonde as a predator would circle its prey. Once arriving full circle, he bent down to look closely into Naruto's wide, azure eyes.

Pulling back, he breathed out a heavy sigh. "How disappointing. If you had the gift of womanly assets instead of dangly bits, you'd be perfect research material."

"What?" Naruto yelped, taking a step back only to bump into Minato.

The larger blonde automatically wrapped his arms around Naruto's neck. "This…is my perverted teacher, Jiraiya. It seems you two already know of each other. Naru…I apologize ahead of time on behalf of Sensei for whatever perversion he will no doubt throw at you."

"I've heard a few things about you from Gamabunta." Jiraiya's leer returned even wider as he reached to lift Naruto's chin for a better look. "Hmm, on second thought, I wouldn't mind speaking with you at length later on."

Minato yanked his friend back from those twitching fingers, glaring fiercely.

"Ohhh? What's this?" White-haired Sannin smirked, eyes flickering between the two blondes glued front to back. "It seems you already have my apprentice wrapped around your little finger."

Oh kami, was he this bad before? Naruto thought in alarm. Or is this the 'virility of youth'?

"Naruto, stay away from him. Your body is in danger." He pulled them back several more paces.

Jiraiya snorted incredulously. "Minato, have you confused me with someone else? Like yourself, perhaps?"

"Don't be mistaken. I will forever be a worshipper of women!" He raised his arms and gestured reverently with the air of a fanatical devotee. "Let me tell you, the curves of a woman are the most magnificent lines that the generous gods have bestowed upon us mortals. Can you not see it? Those plump orbs like succulent fruit ripe for the picking. Slender fingers flitting across the silk of skin. Water trickling alluringly down tender thighs. Yes! There aren't enough words to express the beauty of a woman rising out of onsen wate–"

"Then stop speaking, pervert!" Minato snapped.

Naruto noticed that behind Ero-Sennin, the Hokage's eyes had glazed over. And…is that drool?

"I know you're planning to dump him in a dangerous situation to increase your chances of research." Minato tightened protective arms.

"But you'll thank me when it's over, Naruto-chan." Jiraiya grinned. "I guarantee it will be the best several hours of your life. Afterwards, I'll teach you the superior ways of a super pervert. Consider it an induction."

"Uhh…" Naruto gripped Minato's arms locked around him. "I-I think I'm alright." This time, he was the one to push them back several steps.

Jiraiya frowned. "Why is it so difficult to find an apprentice to pass on my treasured skills of super perversion?"

I'm sure mini-Kakashi would gladly be your apprentice. "Um, so Combat Assessment…" Naruto pulled Jiraiya and the Sandaime out from their daydreams.

"Ahh, that's right. The reason why I was torn away from the beautiful blossoms of Sunflower Village. Now, those were first rate hips…"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I just have to beat this pervert right?" He asked the Commander, the only person of authority who wasn't mentally incapacitated.

At the sharp nod, he turned his face towards Minato. "Alright, I'll get this over with quickly so we can get back to those Suiton scrolls."

As soon as he stepped out of Minato's hold, Naruto's hands blurred through a long series of hand seals. After the final seal, he clapped his hands together sharply.

"Fuuton: Reppuushou (Violent Wind Palm)."

"Raiton: Shichuu Shibari (Four Pillar Bind)."

"Katon: Hibashiri (Running Fire)."

"Kuchiyose!"

A powerful gale disoriented Jiraiya. Four giant pillars of rock rose around the man, immobilizing and zapping him with bolts of lightning, immediately after which a stream of fire formed a ring within the pillars, rapidly closing in on Jiraiya. Then a crimson fox landed within the ring, melding into the flames between each leap of attack.

"Multiple jutsu formation!" Sarutobi exclaimed, evacuating to the edge of the training ground with the Commander and Minato. "Four…no, five of them at once!"

A mist settled around the center of the field, blocking their view of clashing sounds within.

"No, Kaen!" Naruto's frantic shout followed by a pained yip and a puff rang through the clearing.

"You and your fox almost got me there." Jiraiya's voice was full of mirth.

CLANG

"Nice block, Naruto-chan. You're pretty handy with that wakizashi."

CLANG

"But let's see if you can block all of my hair."

CLANG CLANG

"Ahhh!"

"Didn't check for clones did you, Ero-Sennin?"

Everything went silent. The mist dissipated, showing Jiraiya standing alone amongst debris of fallen pillars and blackened ground with scorch marks everywhere on his body. His white hair was still split and elongated in needle form, ready to skewer the next attack.

However, nothing moved.

Minato sucked in a sharp breath. Somewhere underneath.

Jiraiya also seemed to have reached the same conclusion when he stabbed the ground around him with spikes of hardened hair.

Still, there was no response.

Suddenly, the toad sage jumped, only half a second before the ground exploded beneath him.

"Doton: Yomi Numa (Swamp of the Underworld)!"

At Jiraiya's shout, the ground became a thick, adhesive, chakra-infused mud. It caught Naruto's feet and dragged him into the swamp. No matter how much he struggled, the mud wouldn't let him go and struggling only covered him with more adhesive sludge.

Naruto snarled but stopped struggling.

"Suiton: Suigun Suima no Jutsu (Water Drowning Technique)!"

He formed a large spiraling stream of water to crash into himself, throwing him out of the swamp to land heavily on his back.

"Oh? Attacking yourself to escape. Reckless but effective," Jiraiya commented approvingly.

Naruto hauled himself up onto his feet before pulling out a handful of paper tags from his pouch. He tossed the tags up, allowing them to scatter randomly into the air to cover the entire expanse of the field. Curiously, they stayed afloat instead of fluttering to the ground. Jiraiya and their audience watched the tags suspiciously as they had never seen anything like it.

Naruto formed a monkey hand seal before disappearing and appearing above Jiraiya to punch downwards. Jiraiya reacted by sliding to the side and slamming a palm into the blonde's leg, but before the palm connected, Naruto disappeared again to appear at a tag in the air several feet away.

"Teleportation?"

Naruto smirked. "Guess again."

He appeared behind Jiraiya and connected a kick on his kidney. Grunting, the Toad Sage spun around to swipe him with a chakra blade, only to meet empty air.

"Got this idea from Minato's Hiraishin. I haven't figured out how to summon myself through dimensions yet, but this is a pretty cool substitute, don't you think?" Satisfaction flashed in his eyes. "I made shunshin into Fuuinjutsu, kinda like the seals on Minato's kunai, except my tags are less bulky to carry around. This is waaay faster than regular shunshin and doesn't tax the body as much. A regular shinobi could probably perform it ten times instead of just two or three before the pressure in their body cells gets to dangerous levels."

"Shunshin ten times! That's impossible!" Jiraiya voiced everyone's thoughts.

"Yup, ten times." Naruto grinned widely at his baffled expression. "And because of my fast healing, I can do it as many times as I want."

He appeared to Jiraiya's side and swept his feet from under him. Then he punched down onto the large man's stomach, causing him to crash downwards hard enough to form an indentation in the ground.

Jiraiya retaliated by throwing an unexpected chop at Naruto's leg. Everyone heard two loud cracks as it connected twice on his shin and ankle before Naruto fuuin shunshined away. He fell to his hands and knees on the other side of the training grounds

Jiraiya used his own shunshin to appear next to Naruto and kicked him in the side before anyone registered his change of location. Another crack signaled a broken rib. Immediately afterwards, he blew out fire from his mouth to engulf the Hunter-nin in toad oil and red flames.

Naruto shouted in pain but managed to snap his fingers, engulfing Jiraiya in Grey Fire. The Grey Fire, though not as vicious as Black, was much more potent than Jiraiya's, eating away at fabric and hair at a faster rate than the regular flames around Naruto.

With a shit-eating grin on his face, the blonde put out the flames around his own body and watched the show unfold.

Jiraiya's clothes were burning away rapidly to reveal more and more skin, and before he successfully extinguished the grey flames, he was standing in the center of the clearing, naked and bald.

Naked and bald.

Naruto collapsed on the ground, howling with laughter as Jiraiya's hands flashed forward to cover his exposed crotch. Minato looked horrified while Sarutobi's eyebrows threatened to fly off of his forehead.

"Ero-Sennin," Naruto laughed harder when the Toad Sage lifted a tentative hand to feel his hairless head. "The skin on your head is as silky as a woman's skin. If you didn't have your dangly bits, I'd say you could be a woman too. A very, very ugly woman."

Sarutobi choked. "Jiraiya, I will have to cut this match short and declare Naruto the winner. Please put on some clothes…immediately."

Naruto gasped for air and seal shunshined to Minato's side, leaning heavily on his friend to steady himself and his hysterics. Minato had whimpered and turned his green face to the side, staring intently at faraway trees.

"Naruto. Please, please, never do that again – for my sanity," Minato rasped. "The nightmares…"

However, the ANBU Commander's reaction was the exact opposite.

"…Uzuhara-kun, you are welcome to join the ANBU at any time."

Naruto fell over and laughed to tears.

A/N: This turned out to be kind of like an interlude: two fight scenes, a bit of humor, and some fluff. How was it?

(*) Houfuku no Honoo (Flames of Retribution) – credited to Mrs. Kitsune for naming the Hunter-nin's Black Fire. Thanks!