NOTHING LIKE US

SAM

I have no idea what I am doing sitting here on my rooftop alone. Looking down, I try to estimate the damage it will do to me if I fall from here and the worst to happen is I will die immediately.

"Sammy!" I jerk my head in the direction of the voice and my world stops when I recognize its Lienna standing behind me.

"L-lienna" I whisper and with my wide eyes I continue to stare at her. She is wearing a beautiful white knee dress and her long brown hairs that reach her waist are moving lightly with the cold breeze. Her emerald eyes are shining in the dark and her soft alluring lips are breaking into a small light smile.

"Sammy come down from there love.... hmm?" As her soothing voice rings in my ears, I don't even waste a second and get off the railing. I rush to her and am about to hug her, but she backs away, still having that soft smile on her face.

"You can't touch me, Sammy." She says with a slight shake of her head.

"No... Lienna...please. You are real, aren't you? You are alive, aren't you?" I say with more tears streaming down my eyes and completely messing up my already messed up face. I inch closer to her but still keep a distance to not scare her away.

She doesn't reply to my questions but rather smiles a bit wider showing her dimples, tilts her face, and gazes at me.

"Can you sing a song for me, baby? I miss those times...please?" A sob escapes from my lips, but I nod vigorously. I will do anything to keep her here with me. I wipe my tears and take a few deep breaths as I start to sing for her like I always have.

~Lately I have been thinking, thinking about what we had~

~And I know it was hard it was all that we knew, yeah~

~Have you been drinking to take all the p-pain away?

~I wish that I could give you what you deserve~

~Cuz nothing can ever, ever r-replace you~

~Nothing can make me feel like y-you do, yeah~

~You know there is no one I can relate to~

~And know we won't find a love that's so true~

~There is nothing like us~ There is nothing like you and me together through the storm~

~There is nothing like us~ There is nothing like you and me together huhh~

L-lost in c-confusion~ Like an i-illusion~

~You know I am used to making your day~

~But that is the p-past now we didn't l-last now~

~I guess that this is meant to be, yeah~

~There is n-nothing like u-us~

~There is nothing like y-you and m-me Lienna~

I break down completely and fall on my knees as I start to cry tremendously. I know I look so weak right now, but I don't care. In front of Lienna, I have always been true. I continue to sob as I feel a feathery yet very comforting touch on my shoulders and just then her light melodious voice that always calms me down.

"I love you, Sway. I always will."

I try to stop myself from crying anymore but hearing her say this, it's impossible. I only look at the floor and let out my tears when I hear her say my name but this time it's not soft and soothing. It's loud...like Sam, Sam, SAM...

"SAM!!! SAM!!! CHRIST SAM!!!" I open my eyes and widen them when I see I am sitting on the railing and leaning forward to the earth beneath. Confusion comes over me and just then I feel two arms hugging my waist tightly and pulling me back with a firm grip. We both fall to the ground as I groan feeling the hard concrete hit my back or the other way around.

"Are you OK?! Jesus! What the hell were you doing?!" I hear yelling and the voice is high-pitched making me feel annoyed and irritated but there is also a soft and concerning edge to it that makes me open my eyes and look at this person...Mia?

"Mia?" I say aloud and slightly widen my eyes when I see her teary eyes.

"What were you doing Sam?! I think I have enough regret and guilt with which I have to survive already!! Don't add more!! For Christ's sake!!"

I just keep looking at her with a blank face. So....Lienna was never here with me? It was all a fucking dream...? I scoff and laugh feeling pity for myself. I deserve this, I do.

"Sam!! Say something!!! What were you doing here late at night?! It's freaking 3 am!"

"SHUT UP MIA!!! SHUT UP!" I yell as Mia looks at me wide teary-eyed and doesn't say anything. I feel instant regret as my eyes meet the ground and I take a deep breath.

"I-I am sorry...I didn't mean it...I am just confused." I say with a gulp as I can still feel the touch of Lienna as if she was really here. Mia takes a deep breath and sits down on the floor.

"You know I was in the same condition as you 2 years ago. I wanted to die because I was the one who encouraged her to go. I insisted her to and I blamed myself every day." She speaks to no one in particular as her face is lifted to the sky and she is gazing at the night starry sky. I sit in front of her, as I too copy her posture and close my eyes.

"I could always feel her around me. She always said she loved me and that I should not hate myself. Maybe it was just my imagination though. And what I saw of her was nothing more than a hallucination but either way, I was glad to be able to talk to her. My guilt was so much that for days I didn't eat or go out of the house. My mom got really worried for me and though she tried hard to take me out of my depression I just couldn't. I hated you, Sam. I started to hate you to make me feel less guilty. I hated you thinking if you had never left none of this would have happened. For these 2 years, I have just been blaming me and you for what happened to her. But a few months ago, I realized it's none of our fault. It was fate. We aren't supposed to blame ourselves. All we wanted was for her to be better. And when I started to think this way, I stopped seeing Lienna. It was as if I finally let the guilt go. I finally set myself free from the guilt and regret. And though I was sad for not being able to see her, I felt happy that I had forgiven myself. That's perhaps what she wanted too. Sam, Lienna doesn't want you to blame yourself and forget everything. Please don't go into that loop of blaming yourself like I did. No one will be able to pull you out of it."

I can feel her words, I understand what she means but I don't think I am ready to forgive myself yet. I don't think I ever will be. I will never be able to fully release myself of the guilt. My tears escape as I remember the last words Lienna said to me 5 years ago.

'I will be rooting for you but don't expect me to be waiting for you.'

Damn it I shouldn't have left her. I shouldn't have. She is really not waiting for me anymore. I feel someone holding my hands lightly as I open my eyes and look at Mia in confusion and perplexity. We have never had physical contact before and as much as I need someone to hold me I don't want it at the same time, especially not from Mia, Lienna's best friend.

"Sam don't go in that loop. It's torture and I know you think you won't be able to ever forgive yourself but know that Lienna wants you to move on and forget everything. I know if she could, she would have done everything to live for you but now that she isn't here, you have to do it for her. Live for her Sam. Don't forget living, please. I am here for you."

I look at her with a blank face. Why is she being like this? I remove my hands from her grip and get up as I dust myself off and walk to the door.

"I appreciate your help Mia but leave me alone because you have no fucking idea how I feel right now," I say just before I leave the rooftop and take the stairs to go down. I can never forget her, I can never love anyone else, and this is my debt to her. My heart was just for her and now that she is gone, so is my heart.

...