Chapter Sixty-seven

He'd not been there when she got back to the room and he hadn't come back by the time she had to leave before dinner. Enid hated it, that feeling of weightlessness, that uneasiness that gripped her stomach at the thought of not seeing him, especially, when she had so much to say, so much to tell him before this night was over, and she had to trust Freya to tell him, but Enid sighed one last time, lifting the hood of her cloak and slipping out of the longhouse with her shoulders stiff and her heart racing. The rain beat down on her clothes, making them cling to her and making her shiver though she didn't have far to go, and then she closed his door behind her, standing up against the wall as she rubbed the palms of her hands together and tried to warm them.

Erik's house was so quiet, nothing like the noise of the hall, nothing like the busy shuffling of feet and whispers that made up most of her days there. Her hands reached out for it, hovering over that firepit as her teeth banged together, and then she sighed, pulling off her wet cloak and hanging it on the ladder to his loft. She saw how the house ran off to the side for a room with one large bed, how the small kitchen was under that loft and how the small fire in that would warm the people sleeping up above, and then she realised that it was meant to warm not just anyone but the children.

She had to stifle that short, curt, little laugh as she shook her head, knowing for certain that he could provide a good life for his wife here and in another time, another life, that might have been her. They might have been Cormac's candles that she lit then or his fireplace that she sat at as she waited for him to come home. Somehow it didn't seem real, somehow it was the most normal thing she'd experienced since coming here.

The door flew open and Erik stepped in, closing it shut with a kick of his boot as he shook his head to clear the rain from it, and then he unhooked his belt, propping his sword up against the side of the door and smiled at her.

"It felt weird calling you slave," he said, but she couldn't look at him then, her head turning back to the fire, her arms wrapping around her.

He'd helped her so much, he'd saved her again and all she could think about was that secret she was keeping from him. It wasn't right. He deserved to know, he should know what was happening to his mother every night back at that house, that the man he laughed and trained with, that man who'd raised him, gave his mother big, dark bruises and made her suffer.

"What is it, Enid?" he asked, and her eyes flicked to him, watching him still standing there, falling on that sword on the floor, and then she shook her head. Erik tutted then, pouring himself a cup of mead from the table behind her and throwing himself down on a stool beside her. "I save you again and this is what I get," he said, his eyes staring into the flames, then so cold and so dark.

"I want to tell you, Erik," she said.

"So tell me."

She had to fight them, those words that wanted to come spilling out of her lips, the ones that weighed so heavily on her heart, but then she shook her head, wrapping her arms tighter around herself as she looked away.

"It's not my secret," she whispered, and they stayed there a moment, no sound other than the crackling of the flames in front of them, and then Enid felt that hand that brushed up against her arm.

She looked at him then, seeing that smile on his face, seeing that cup in his hand, and she took it from him, nodding before she took a sip and he threw a few more logs onto the fire.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Don't worry, Knut's not that bad. He just gets excited around women," Erik said, and it was so hard not to tell him then, not to shake her head and shout and scream.

"I meant with Frigga," she said instead, and that smile on Erik's face faltered for a moment, something dull, something almost like a sadness springing to his eyes, and then he shook his head, staring back into the flames and sighing.

"You can bring her here if she gets like that again," he said.

"No, you've done enough, Erik. We couldn't ask you for more."

"It's fine," Erik smiled. "I like it. My mother doesn't like me being around my brother and sister so it's nice to have children around… Don't look at me like that, Enid, it's not my fault! It took them a long time to have children and now she's like that with everyone. The only time they get to spend time with me is when Gro goes to visit her brother," he shook his head, resting his elbows on his knees and staring into the flames. "Sometimes it's like she doesn't love me, not like a mother anyway… I'm useful, but she hasn't figured out for what yet."

"Don't say that, Erik!" Enid said, grabbing his arm and squeezing. "I know she loves you. She talks about you all the time and she's always trying to protect you."

"Protect me?" Erik asked, his forehead furrowing in a slight crease. "From what?" he shook his head and Enid looked away, gritting her teeth and closing her eyes. It was so difficult not to tell him, not when she saw his pain, not when she knew she could take it away. "From what, Enid?"

"I can't say," she gasped. "I said too much already, just let it go."

Erik tutted again, turning to stare off into the flames with his lips closed in a thin, tight line. "You're not exactly helping me right now."

"I know. I'm sorry," she said. "It's got nothing to do with Jarl Sigurd, I promise."

Erik waved his hand in the air, brushing her away and sighing to himself. "I trust you…" he whispered. "And I would prefer that you kept this conversation to yourself, so… I guess it's proof that you will," he said, and for a long while that was all he said, but Enid could see that darkness outside the window when she went to shut it and the candlelight flickering through the doors of the longhouse, so warm and bright.

"Shouldn't you get going?" she asked.

"No," he sighed. "It's better if they think I skipped dinner to be with you."

Enid felt the colour rising to her cheeks, almost wanting to keep the window open just so that the night air could cool her skin, but then she shook her head and closed it anyway.

"I don't like this," she whispered, and Erik laughed, stretching by the fire and yawning.

"I rather liked coming home to someone," he said.

"Not that," she snapped. "It's just…" she said a little softer. "I'm not like you… where I come from a woman's virtue is everything and…" she sighed then, throwing herself back down by the fire and wrapping her arms around herself. "You're not Ivar."

"So you wouldn't mind if people thought you were with Ivar?" he asked, and it took her a moment to shake her head, to sigh loudly and stare off into the flames.

"So this isn't about your virtue," Erik laughed, and Enid felt the colour rise to her cheeks, that burning gripping her stomach as she hid her face behind her palms.

It was so strange to admit it, so strange and wrong like she had just confessed to some great sin, but she had, a sin in thought was still a sin, and then Erik laughed again, poking at the fire with a stick and making her cheeks burn brighter.

"Everyone already thinks that he's had you," Erik said. "You've been alone with him for months on his farm now, how could they not think that?"

"But he hasn't."

"I know that," Erik smiled. "But you shouldn't fight it. People are more wary of you because of it. There aren't that many people who want to upset Ivar the Deathless… and even fewer who want to upset me. You only really have to watch out for Rolf because he's stupid… and Knut."

"I don't want to watch out for anyone."

"But Ivar's right. You're safer like this for now. Your virginity not so much, but no one would really hurt you."

"How can you say that?" Enid snapped. "How is that being safe?"

"You're getting confused." he said, poking a finger at her forehead. "Forget about your Christ-god and forget about his punishments. Our gods won't think less of you if that happens, but they will be watching to see how strong you are. You have people around you who want to protect you and people you have to be strong for. Remember that if the time comes and remember who hurt you so you can be avenged. There'll be plenty of people willing to fight for you when the time is right."

Enid brushed his hand away, staring off into the flames before she closed her eyes, and then she remembered the feel of those fingers inside her, the biting taste of her own blood and the scraping of the wall as she was pressed up against it. How could she be asked to endure that and how could the people she cared about most be the ones to ask her to do it?

Those tears fell then, running down her cheeks and making her shake her head, and Erik sighed, holding her by the back of the neck and pressing his forehead to hers.

"No one says that's going to happen," he whispered. "We're all trying to make sure that it doesn't. Just be strong for now and be smart," he tapped at the side of her head. "Ivar loves you. He'll free you when he can and if he doesn't, I'll kill him myself, I swear on my armring."

Enid pushed him away, brushing the tears from her cheeks and looking away. "He loves me?" she whispered.

"He hasn't told you?" Erik laughed, and despite how her eyes stung and that heaviness on her shoulders, she couldn't help but smile, and then she watched Erik grab the cup from her hand, taking one quick sip before he smiled at her. "But then again, you haven't told him either."

"There's just never any time," she sighed. "If we were back-,"

"If you were back on his farm, you'd know even less than you do now," he said. "Don't forget I'm the one who forced his hand."

"Why did you?"

"I've been trying to make Ivar my man for years," he took another sip. "But he's not the easiest man to read, even for me, but… I heard your hearts and I saw an opportunity," he smiled. "And besides, there's something nice about it, isn't there? I've never been in love, Enid, but some part of me hopes I will be someday. Maybe you'll be the one to help me out then."

Enid felt something warm, something soft, grip her heart and smooth it, and then she smiled, her eyes half-closing, her knee banging into his.

"I doubt that," she said. "I'd never convince another woman to fall in love with you."

"You wouldn't?"

"No, I wouldn't wish you on my enemy," she laughed.

"Well…" Erik smiled. "Maybe Frigga will help me when she's older."

"No chance," Enid shook her head. "I'll tell her not to and don't think that you could turn my daughter against me."