Chapter Fifty-two

Ivar was so stiff and tense, not saying a word as Erik left them, not even greeting the children as they came back to the room. So desperately Enid wanted to talk to him, to ask everything that was in her heart, but he pulled away, grabbing a cup and pouring himself some mead as the children climbed into bed. He was still sitting there long into the night, staring off at the wall with eyes that were cold and distant, and she laid there beside Tyr, unable to sleep, suddenly unable to speak now that his face looked so dark and twisted.

Finally he sighed, getting up and blowing out the candles in the room before he climbed into his bed. So long she laid there, listening to the children breathing, listening to her own heart racing and not knowing when it would stop. She slid out from under the furs, standing at the side of his bed, taking a moment to find the strength to whisper, "Ivar?"

Some part of her hoped that he was asleep. Some part of her wanted more than anything for him to whisper to her back, and then she heard him sigh, caught glimpses of him reaching an arm up and resting it under his head in the darkness.

"What?" he asked.

"I…" she started, but suddenly she had no voice.

She didn't know what it was that she wanted to know the most. Was it what she was to him? Was it to find out if he even cared about what happened to her or was it if he really loved her?

There was so much she wanted to know, so much she wanted to ask him and finally have her heart stop hammering, but she couldn't find her voice, and then he sighed, flipping over the fur so that she could climb in. It took her a moment before she could do it, before she found herself curling up under that fur and feeling his breath warm her face in the darkness.

"I-," she said again.

"I don't want you to go," Ivar cut in, his voice barely above a whisper as they laid there. "But I don't want you to stay here if you don't want to."

"I want to stay, Ivar," she said, and she felt him tense, felt him hesitate for a moment before she felt his fingers reaching for hers under the fur. So gently he held them then, nothing like when he'd grabbed her before, nothing like how he'd ever held her before, and she had to wait for a moment, feeling that heat rise to her cheeks, her eyes want to close and her breath catch in her throat. "But I don't want to be a slave," she whispered.

"I know that," he said. "Just give me some time, Enid. I'm not sure where we stand with Knut and I don't want to make any changes just yet."

"You think we're in danger?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "And I don't know if freeing you will put you in more danger or not."

She stared for him in the darkness, searching for his face and to check that light in his eyes, but then she felt that certainty reach all the way down to the pit of her stomach and that anger flare up in her.

"Why didn't you just say so?" she hissed, but he didn't answer, he only reached for her, brushing his lips against hers and making her breath catch in her chest.

She didn't know what to do, her lips clumsy and stiff as she tried to follow his and then he pulled away, resting his forehead on hers, that little rumble tickling her skin as he laughed and kissed her cheek.

"You're really bad at this," he whispered, and Enid pushed him away, her cheeks burning, that anger spiking up in her again, but he only laughed, pulling her until her back was resting against his chest and his arms were around her. She felt his breath down her neck, felt him trailing soft kisses along her skin and a different kind of burning flared up in her then. "We already had Freya and Tyr when we were your age," he said. "How do you not even know how to kiss?" he asked, and she went stiff, trying to wriggle out of his arms, but he only laughed again and held her tighter. "Alright, alright… I don't mind that you don't know anything, but… don't go to Erik, Enid."

She had to fight that smile that sprang to her lips, the one that so desperately wanted to turn into a grin. "I won't," she whispered. "But I want to keep learning how to fight."

She felt that burst of warm air run down her shoulders and back as Ivar sighed.

"Fine," he said. "He's good and it can't hurt for you to learn from someone else too."

She turned, pulling out of his arms so that she could see his face. A part of her so warm and soft, a part of her thinking that she wouldn't need anything ever again. "But what does all this mean, Ivar?"

He reached a hand up, gently brushing the hair from her face. "I don't know," he sighed. "Let's just let things settle first."

"I can't," she shook her head. "I shouldn't be here with you, not like this. I shouldn't even have kissed you. I don't believe in the same things you do."

Ivar sighed. "I can't tell you, Enid. I don't know what this is, none of it feels the way it did with Helga, but I won't force you to be with me and I'll keep you safe. I know it's not much, but I'll never stop you from leaving, Enid, and I'll help you get back to your village if you want to go."

She felt it then, like each of his words had somehow dug a hole into her heart, like they had claws and they scratched and ripped at her skin and at everything inside her as she pulled away from him, her eyes suddenly stinging, her hands reaching to cover her face.

"What's wrong? Don't cry, Enid. What did I say?"

"I'm not Helga," she hissed. "I know that, but I thought…" her voice cut off, and she couldn't speak then, not without crying, not without her heart breaking more than it had already, but then his arms were around her, holding her to his chest and kissing the top of her head.

"I didn't mean it like that," he whispered. "I just meant that this is new for me too and… I don't want you to go, Enid, but I don't want you to feel like you have to stay either. I want you to choose. I want you to want to be here."

"I can't do that until you free me," she said, pushing on his chest and glaring up at him.

"I know that," he sighed. "I know that…" he whispered even softer, his lips reaching for hers in the darkness, his fingers brushing her cheeks and keeping her there.

She couldn't help it, just that kiss had the heat rising to her cheeks, just that kiss had her anger melting and her heart mending. He held her so gently, so softly, almost like he was afraid she would break, his lips so slow as they brushed up against hers over and over again and made her insides flutter.

"Just trust me, Enid," he breathed. "I'll set you free when I know it's safe and then… I really want you to choose to stay."