Searching

(Asaka Point of View)

I get into the car as Frey gets into the passenger seat and lends back. I start the car. I start driving. I know where her place is but when I start getting closer, I want to make sure. After all, I don't want to miss her place, since she does have a hidden driveway.

"So which is your place?"

"Just turn right, keep going until you leave town, and then to the left there is a driveway you need to go up and that is where I am." I nod my head a little bit before focusing on the road when I hear them speak, "why did you call me a kid?"

I look over at them. I thought it was clear, I mean they are a child after all. "Well you are under 18 and you aren't in college but you are in school still."

"I am two years away and I can graduate next year."

"You are still a child. You had to mature faster because of our father and me. I shouldn't have let you join the mafia. I should have let you be a kid." My grip tightens on the wheel as I look back at the road. 

Why don't they understand that? They are a child. I should have let them be a child. Why did I do this to them? I should have kept it better hidden. I should have let them be a child. Why didn't I let them? Why? I should have let them be a kid. I must have gotten into their head about them being an adult. I should have let them be a kid. I should have been better. 

When we get to their place, they get out. I see Zoe and them smiling slightly at Zoe. Zoe is her best friend.

"I will tell you when you can come into work, until then, stay home. Enjoy your time off. Make sure you rest. I know I have put a lot on you so rest."

I wait for Frey to respond. "I will." Good, they don't seem mad at me. 

I watch them go inside before I drive away. I head to my darling's apartment. It doesn't take me long to get there. His door is unlocked. That's odd. I guess no one has been here but I would think that he would have locked his door. I head inside and I make a list of everything that he has. I want to make sure everything is perfect for him. He doesn't have that much but I guess from what I have seen, he works and sleeps most of the time. 

While I am looking around, I find a box hidden in his closet. I pull it out and I look inside of it. There is a shut-down phone, three envelopes, and a notebook. I turn on the phone. It is a flip phone so he has had this for a while but why does he still have it? Once the phone turns on, I see that he has over 100 missed calls and text messages. The contact name is "Mom". Most of them have been deleted. I can only see the recent ones. Reading through them doesn't really make sense. There are a lot of spelling efforts and the grammar doesn't make sense. I don't understand. She seems worried about him but some messages are concerning. It's clear that this is his mom but she seems to think that he works in some kind of traveling agency. Some of the messages are in a different language. Most likely Slovenian after all, that is what his mom's native language is but why is he hiding this? 

I turn the phone off and I grab one of the envelopes, opening it up, there are pictures of two girls together with two parents. They look to be my darling's family but I don't see him. Endless that second little girl is him. He looks so innocent but he has bruises on him. I don't remember anything about there being abuse in my research but then again his father is a serial killer so that could be it. His sister seems very close to their father. My darling doesn't seem that close with either parent in these photos but he is next to his mom in the few family photos there are. In some of the photos, their mother seems to have what looks to be an alcohol bottle with her. Wait, is his mother an alcoholic? Is that why her messages look the way they do and why there are so many bottles? That would most likely be why he hasn't talked to her or why she doesn't have his real number. I should look through his phone and see if his mother does have his real number. 

I put the photos back into the envelope and I open up the one next to it. There seem to be transition photos. There are some with different hairstyles, what looks to be before and after a binder, and then again with surgery. Then there are photos of him recovering from his top surgery. There are other photos of him, mostly undressed before his surgery and some after with what looks to be him growing more hair so he must have started Testosterone. He looks so cute and in the after photos he looks so much happier. He is adorable. I should make sure to get him more. I don't know what he takes just yet but I should see and get him more. I want to see him happy like this. He is so cute. I kind of want to keep these photos for myself but I won't. After all, he must have these hidden for a reason. 

I set down that envelope. I open up the last one and there is a tape recorder. I play what is recorded and I listen to it. There is a female voice speaking, "I am Levar. I am 18 years old,". I pause it. It's my darling. He does sound more like a girl than he does now. I play it, "I am Levar. I am 19 years old." That time he sounds more like a man and closer to how he sounds now. "I am Levar. I am 20 years old." The tape ends. That is what his voice is now. He is so cute. I guess he has been doing this each year to hear the difference in his voice. I wonder what day he did it on.

I set down the tape recorder. I open up the notebook. It seems more like a diary. He starts talking about how much he hates his body and how he doesn't feel right. It seems like he was struggling a lot. There are a lot of thoughts about wanting to cut off his chest. He can't shower or change without breaking down. He must have struggled so much. It doesn't seem like he has had any support with this. There are so many pages of him hating himself. I hate reading this. Why did no one help or even believe him? Some pages just say, "I am not a girl." and "I am a boy." They are covered. Some of the pages are ripped up so I can't read them. He must have gone through a lot. I wonder if I called him a boy or handsome if that would help. I know this is old as this talks about cutting his boobs off and he no longer has boobs but I still want him to know that he is valid and loved. He is a boy. I know he is and so does he so I think that is all that matters.