16 Free

Birth was hard, but the aftermath was harder.

I'd lost a lot of blood, I'd also endured a hell amount of pain even with the magic, and not to mention the damn trauma.

But after all that, there was something in my arms-

Something suckling my breast-

An elf.

Well, half elf but an elf regardless.

My- no, our daughter. Lisena.

Kind of empty room… with lots of things for me and the baby but-

But it was still empty in my eyes….

Though the curtains fluttered- though my hair flew, and though the little thing was in my arms…. I- I didn't really feel much of anything. Perhaps my heart never belonged here… perhaps-

Allen was away today.

He'd been working extra hard cause I couldn't.

But, despite having a daughter, despite all this, he wasn't really all that happy.

Perhaps because I didn't want to settle down with him. Perhaps because he understood I'd leave the moment I felt like this little one didn't need my milk anymore. Or was it because he understood I didn't love him?

Yes-

I didn't love him.

Or rather, it was more of- I couldn't fall in love anymore.

I didn't particularly understand why.

No-

I didn't want to understand.

I wanted to have a good time, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to enjoy life. Not settle down.

No more heartbreak-

Not again.

And that's why this was going to end here.

Yet-

Yet- why did my chest ache?

The little elf silently sucked on my chest. A warm feeling. Kind of tingly but warm regardless.

And yet, my heart… so uncertain.

So-

Full of doubt.

***

I stayed with Allen for two years.

And that included me being pregnant. So only a little over a year with our daughter.

It was a relationship of ups and downs. He was patient for the vast majority of our relationship.

But money was an issue and so was biological needs. Yes, we had sex but- but it was never the same.

During the later stages of our relationship, he actually came home with another woman.

Perhaps he was sick of me. Or perhaps that was his way of moving on. Or perhaps that was his way of saying, he didn't want me near anymore.

I left our daughter with him. Particularly because he wanted her. But also, because I still wanted to roam the world and find a cure to my curse. It shames me as a mother but, I didn't really feel a connection deep enough with my own daughter to stay with that man…

I couldn't-

I couldn't go on like this.

But at times, I still felt like this was okay. I felt like… maybe this curse wasn't so bad. After all, it did open up a new world for me and now I had a daughter.

And yet-

So uncertain.

"You okay, miss?" Asked the paddler.

On a small paddle ship, we were going to the next town.

Me, some merchants and possibly one mercenary.

It was a small boat, roughly able to fit in a dozen or so passengers. Wooden.

And though the journey was going to be roughly half a day's worth- the fare wasn't that high.

Just two small silvers.

"I'm fine," I said. "A little lost in thought."

Blue sky. Some clouds. A warm sunny day.

"What? Did you have a lover in that town or something?" He chuckled.

Middle aged, kind of round. Probably a merchant.

The others were also staring, curious.

"Pretty much, yes."

A chuckle. "Well, if this old man's good enough, I'll hear ya out!"

"No thank you. I'm fine."

He kind of smiled awkwardly, looking over at the other side.

I didn't need anyone to understand.

I didn't need anyone to forgive me either.

I wanted to be free.

And despite being bound to this curse-

Despite everything-

I was free.

.

..

...

[A/N]

Well hello there, been a while.

So remember how I mentioned last month, I was going to go all out to earn money to finance my uni studies?

Well, I did. I did go all out. I actually burned myself *Chuckles*

But yeah, didn't make any progress. My writing's too boring and it's not improving. And I'm not earning much of anything. I enjoy writing, creating worlds and people. But I do suck and that's true.

So, I'm taking a break. I'll of course not quit writing but for now, I won't be writing any new chapters. Basically, I'm taking a break. Perhaps to find myself, perhaps to improve my writing or perhaps because I'm just sick of this constant guilt trap I've trapped myself into. I still think, maybe it would have been better if I never tried creative things, if I never wrote. I mean, I suck. I have no talent and... yeah, let's not continue this.

Anyway, I wanted to expand this chapter a fair bit. I wanted to write more. I wanted to explore more and all that but for the foreseeable future, this'll be the last chapter.

To all those who have read my work, Thank You. I appreciate you guys and I'm glad you took time out of your day to read even this rant. Really, thank you and I wish you a good day.

Let's meet again in another novel someday....

Later folks.