11 The Fear of Heights

I was being dragged across the floor by my clothes, I had made a miscalculation. As I stopped the flow of mana I soon came to a rolling stop, everywhere hurting.

As I picked myself up I dusted myself off and reevaluated the situation. Mr. Rockwell had used wind magic to fly, creating a force by his sides, stomach, back and the soles of his feet, he was able to generate enough lift to fly.

I replicated this not thinking it through.

As I poured raw mana into the white tennis ball sized wind mana balls at all the designated places, I started to get tossed around as if I was in a death roll. My clothes were breathable and flexible, and that was the opposite of what I needed. As the force got generated it held onto my clothes as I intended, the problem was my clothes started spasming out. This lead to a chain reaction which caused my shirt to be dashed from side to side, me inside.

Now that I understood the problem, I could fix it.

I would do with this what I had done with my body. I hardened my shirt and tried again. It had worked, I was slowly leaving the ground.

I went higher and higher being careful not to go too fast. I could see the ground getting further and further away, it reminded me of an unsavory memory, but in reverse. I was scared but the thrill of flying as a human took over my fear. Though I couldn't dash and spring through the air as I wanted I was still happy.

It was a slow process but soon I was at the top of the hole. There was only one problem, moving forward.

I was currently using all my concentration to not fall out of the sky. As I was there slowly ascending in thought, getting further and further away from the edge. I felt a small solid object assault me in the nape.

"Oi, hurry it up or else." These were the words of Mr. Rockwell with a smile on his face and pebbles in his hand.

"How hard do you think I can throw these?" He was now stretching, I was now a game of whack a mole if I couldn't learn to maneuver in the air.

I poured more mana into the point on my back but as soon I stayed to move forward, a rock hit me in the gut.

"I thought... you... were only throwing pebbles?" I asked biding the pain to keep up my concentration.

I was now several stories up and the fear crept back in as the prospect of falling seemed to be an inevitable one. I was now almost hyperventilating, the memories that had been suppressed by adrenaline soon poured back in as the adrenaline faded.

The pain of falling from this height was too real, I had known first hand how painful it was to fall from a height even grater.

I was now starting to loose balance, my mind and body distracted by the fear of falling.

"This is a normal reaction, calm down... breathe, deep breaths." He set the rocks on the ground and stretched out his hands towards me. "Less mana in the feet, more in the back." He was signaling me like a plane.

Though scared I followed his instructions, I was afraid, but I knew if I was to allow my fear to get the better of me I was as good as dead.

As the mana in my feet lessened, I started to descend, putting more mana in my back I started to move forward.

I was just about ten feet from the edge when I realized I was going to miss it.

"More in the feet." He said, with a smile.

This gave me comfort and calmed me down a bit. As I followed his instructions I started to ascend once more, this time when I got to the top I had cleared the edge and was two feet off the ground.

I stopped the mana flow and immediately I fell to the floor. I was safe, I fell on my knees panting and covered in sweat.

"There's something that's preventing you from flying, something personal. Usually when it's the first time your nervous yes, maybe a little scared, but excited none the less and this helps you get over your fear. When you touch the ground, you're relieved and excited, you were in danger and could only imagine what it would feel like to fall. You looked like you knew how it felt to fall."

I looked up bringing my breathing back to normal removing my focus from the memory. He looked concerned, he was fidgeting with his fingers as if trying to find the right words to say. Occasionally, he would open his mouth as if to say something but would look away stopping himself.

"I'm fine... now." I was sat on the ground looking up into his face.

"You... sure." He said as his hands played a game of thumb wrestling.

"I can tell you what's bothering me if you want... but it's pretty disturbing."

"You say it like it's not bothering you, as if you're over it, yet you... tell me. I'm sure I've heard and seen worse." He said locking his fingers together.

"I jumped off a cliff, I was trying to kill myself... I failed."

"What... kill... yourself... may I ask why?" He said his face crumpled in surprise.

"I had an abusive aunt, I was her punching bag and I was tiered of it, so I decided to not live anymore." I explained standing up.

"Was that the only way... do you regret it." He asked.

"Not really, it was stupid but it was all I had, I didn't have people after all. I regret it now because I can't fly without remembering what happened. The pain more accurately."

"But... you look fine." He said confused.

I turned my back and lifted my sports gear to reveal a quarter of it. As I let down my shirt and looked at Mr. Rockwell, I could see the fear in his eyes.

"Woah, how big is that... the scar?"

"It stretches from my left lower back to my right shoulder, I hit the rock diagonally. I was saved by a fisherman, though I don't remember his face... obviously."

"Does it... hurt?" He said curious.

"No, just sensitive."

"It looked kind of deep."

"It is, it's a miracle I can even walk. The doctors couldn't believe my spine was still intact. It still took me a year to recover though, it wasn't that bad since she didn't even pay me visits. She was there on the first day and the last."

"How did you get over it?"

"Nihilism, I thought nothing was worth it, and having a memory hold me back wasn't either. Weird how that works." I said looking at the floor.

"And your nihilism?" He asked curiously.

"What about it?" I asked confused.

"How did you get over it?" He asked with a smile.

"I didn't, I just decided to live my life and see where it brought me."

His smile had disappeared at that point. "Oh." There was silence.

"It's different now though, recently I actually feel happy and that I should live my life to the fullest."

"From one extreme to another huh." He said with a sigh of relive and a smile on his face. "Well as long as you know your worth." He said before signaling me to walk back to the estate with him.

We hadn't even realized how much time had passed. When we got back it was nightfall.

The maid prepared a meal for us. We ate together but not a single word was spoken. That was until.

"What's with the silence?" Rose asked with a confused look on her face, as she descended the stairs.

"It was a hard day of training is all." Mr. Rockwell said with a nervous laugh.

"That's a relief, I thought something might have happened between the both of you." She sighed as she spoke her last few words.

"Well, shouldn't you two get some rest then." She said with a smile.

"Psychí, you go on, I'll be staying up a little late."

Rose walked up to his side and rested her hand on his shoulder.

"Goodnight father." She said in a commanding but soft voice. A smile on her face.

"You're right he said, I think I should get some rest." Sweat was flowing down the contour of his brows.

"Good." She said, waiting for us to leave and we did.

I went up to my room and after taking a shower I didn't stay awake long. It truly was a hard day of training.

I was now in the familiar forest, and the panther was stood in front of me. I knew what was going to happen. It was different this time I was ready.