chapter 39-trying to forgive

The pool itself was a gorgeous and clean far cry from the one at the motel, with colorful lighting which we just turned on. We both took a second just to take in how serene and inviting it looked under the moonlight. Wasting no more time, we stripped off our outer clothes and did matching cannonballs off the diving board into the blissfully cool water, leaving our undergarments on.

The pool water was clean and transparent. The feeling of slowly relaxing on a calm surface of water was enchanting, but bliss doesn't last long when you're with Maddie, who purposely pushed a tide of water towards my face.

"You're on now," I said, pushing a wave of water towards her, splashing water everywhere. This went on for about two minutes.

Then we stayed still, letting our bodies relax. For the past couple of days, I had been stressed and on edge. I don't even want to know what Maddie and the rest were feeling.

Maybe this is the last time we get to act like young adults and experience life and its wonders.

Oh, how I wished for all of this to be a dream.

I swam closer to the edge of the pool. We were lucky no patrol teams or security had arrived yet.

Maddie switched the lights on, and nobody had come so far.

As she pulled her arms out and rested them on the edge, we just breathed, taking it all in. Anxiety and fear were very present lately. I needed this; we all needed this. But I had to remind myself this wasn't a vacation - we were here on a mission.

"Look, Ellie, I want to say I know it's been tough...even before all the chaos. I blamed a lot of people, and you were one of them. I took my anger out because my best friend left me to be alone," Maddie said.

"Maddie, I'm so, so sorry for that. I was at fault. I won't justify my actions nor make excuses anymore. I also hated myself for hiding and running away from the problems I caused," I said, my voice filled with guilt and sorrow. I was at fault for all of it.

"Tonight I had fun. I mean, lately I've had fun - scary and horrifying, but fun. I wanted so much for a thriller and mystery, so I'm confused with a lot of things. And if we're going to do this right, I need everyone's trust, yours as well. I haven't realized, due to my anger and resentment, that I blamed you and the others in the girl group for their actions, even when smiling and joking with them. It was wrong for me to keep pursuing all of this. You moved on, but I haven't. It's been hard, you know, being someone else," Maddie said. I never realized that her big change was just to fit in with a crowd she doesn't like. I know that feeling of trying to fit in a place where you don't belong and no one wants you there. That feeling is so lonely and so scary.

"I'm sorry, Maddie, for all of it. If it makes you feel better, I didn't like it when you targeted me sometimes," I said, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"That's the thing - it didn't make me feel better at all. It just made me more angry, not just at everybody but myself as well. Going on this trip and talking to you has made me forget all of it. Sometimes I just want to run away, like you. You don't understand how envious I am of you," Maddie said.

"No...no, don't be envious of me. I hate myself for running away. That's not how one should live," I said.

For a few long seconds, we were silent, staring off somewhere else.

"I'm sorry I ruined the mood. I always ruin everything," Maddie said before she could say anything further.

"I'm sorry, Maddie. I'm so sorry. I...I want to know more about the girl that left school. I wasn't familiar with her. I want to know. I get it if you don't want to share. I shouldn't have asked anyway," I said. I wanted to ask. I wanted answers to know whom I had hurt deep down.

"Her name was Annie. She liked board games and exploring the solar system. She was a big fan of anything galaxy-related. I don't keep in contact with her as much, but we meet sometimes for tea or to plan our future. She's a nice girl, wasn't deserving of any of that poor treatment she had to deal with. I think deep down, if not for the shit you guys pulled, and after all these years, I think you would have been good friends with both of you. You're both quiet, yet once you get into a subject or a topic you like, you both won't stop talking. And both of you are easily peer pressured sometimes in a bad way that you regret, you know, you can't fix," Maddie said.

I bit my bottom lip. She sounded like a good girl, far better than me. Peer pressure was an excuse I would use for my actions. I was an active participant in that hateful prank.

"What about her new school? Do they treat her right?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'm jealous I didn't move there with her, you know? Lately, I'm feeling really distant from her, with how far she's moved away. I get jealous when she doesn't pick up the phone or call me. She's probably moved on with her life while I haven't. She also probably wants to forget her past, so she doesn't want anything really involved with me and you guys back in that mean girls group," Maddie replied.

"A lot of us want to forget and leave the past behind. We all want to be something we're not. I know I give off the vibe of a quiet girl also in the corner of the room, just listening and never really talking. But the thing is, I love talking. I love expressing my feelings and passions to others. It's just that I don't know how to do it without feeling judged."

Maddie said, "It's hard trying to act like I'm someone else, putting on a mask and trying to focus every minute of the day to not slip up. It's also like you gotta act like this, you gotta walk and talk like this. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, my identity. I don't know who I am sometimes. Unlike you, you're true to your nature to some fault. I'm jealous, I'm being honest. I wish I was like you."

"Don't contradict yourself. Like you said, be yourself. That mask you use, that tone or whatever, if it can be used as a shield to protect yourself, then use it. But don't let the mask use you. Be true, be faithful to your true self. I know what it feels like thinking everybody is judging you in a negative way, so you start to change for the wrong people. I'm confused and unsure about everything too. You shouldn't look up to me; I'm no more than a fake as you are," I said.

"You're right. Maybe your passions don't make you weird. Your hobbies and likes, no matter if people around you think you're weird and strange, the truth is that those people are the strange part. I'm not saying that all hobbies and fetishes are justified. I'm just saying, within your moral compass, try to do the right thing and don't let others judge and think negatively about you. But I can think and say these words, yet I can't act through them. I always back down. Ellie, please, can you help me? In return, I'll help you. Let's call it a girls' exchange, just between us. I'm done thinking I can do it while I really can't. I need that push. I need someone to push me. I want that someone to be you, and I'll do the same," Maddie said.

"Uh, I don't know what to say."

"Yes or no? We don't need to overcomplicate all of this. I need your help, and you need mine."

"Fine, yes, I would love to."I finally said.