Chapter 20

White sand stretches across the horizon. The unrelenting attacks, the dull lifeless land and the absence of darkness is more than enough to push people near the edge. Especially so for me. Stranded in this desolate land. Phasing in and out between red and reality.

The line between sanity and insanity is thinning. Each passing moment I slip toward chaos. Something keeps nudging me in my head. It wants more. The unsatiated hunger robs me off of my sleep. My thoughts.

I hope I can retain some of my humanity by the end of it.

__________

The dessert was a land of nightmares. The omnipresent bright light. The absence of plants or sand dunes or a single shadow for that matter. Not even mine. Just me and an ever stretching flat white.

The sky in its entirety was luminous as the sun. Only, void of the yellow colour. Grotesque ground dwelling creatures inhabited the land beneath. Mostly insects, whose body seemed to be amputated and reassembled in a chaotic harmony.

At first, everything was going fairly well. I searched for the rope that I had left behind. Moving at mach one speed, I will find it sooner or later. I thought. But, reality was different. Slowly the lack of colour was getting to me. Time seemed frozen. Restlessness engulfed me. I started questioning everything. A constant buzzing noise plagued my psyche unrested. So, in my distress when the world turned red, I welcomed it. Finally there was colour. Monochromatic, undoubtedly but anything other than white was soothing.

The colour came with a cost. Lack of judgement, to be precise. This happened before, but I was not too worried as it occurred only when I was about to go through a tough fight. This time however it was different. Or, perhaps it was not. Perhaps it was me who failed to detect what triggered those changes.

There was no time or place for me to rest. Monsters moved through the soil. If I dug a hole, they would find me. If I built a room with magic, they would bombard on it until it broke. No food, no sleep, I kept fighting. Until I couldn't. I kneeled down, shutting my ears off with both my hands. The stench, the sticky transparent bool and the constant 'peeeeeeeeeeeee…..' sound in my head was driving me crazy.

My fingers dug into my flesh. Blood coated my fingers red and all of a sudden the pain vanished. My hunger, my headache, my tiredness, my worries, everything was gone. Everything up until now seemed like a bad dream. 'There is colour. It is such a beautiful red.' I rejoiced.

Every time I tore a monster apart I felt joy. Every time I saw a living monster I felt rage. Bubbling and boiling, asking me to mutilate all that moved. But, the red left me. Despite all I had done for it. It left me. My life of white misery came haunting me back.

Fortunately or rather unfortunately that did not last long. I tattered along on the verge of exhaustion. Every step heavier than the last. At a time like this, I encountered a horde of monsters. What was I supposed to do? Fight? I had enough of that. I just wanted to sleep. I casted aside my armor and fell down on the sand. I had given up. I wanted to say something but my voice betrayed me.

Eyes closed, I waited for my demise. Death seemed such an easy way out. Why did I not do that before? What is the point of living? I would not have suffered if I had just died. I felt multiple sharp objects tearing my body apart. To my delight however, death did not come. The red did. And once again I indulged myself in murder.

I started some peculiar practices. For instance, I started walking on all 4 of my limbs. I ate the insectoide meats. Sometime even while they were alive. The red would come and go and oh how I missed it dearly. One day I had a dream. I do not know how I dreamt while awake. Red was nowhere to be seen and I was searching for it. Someone was asking me to live and not search for my red ina distorted voice.

"ss..hhu..tt ..uu..pp."

"sshhuuttuppp"

"Shut up"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"

"SHUT UP" "SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP""SHUT UP"

"WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO?"

"WHO AM I TO YOU"

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY"

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU"

I didn't know who I was directing those words towards. I didn't know who I was. Why I was there. What I was doing. Why did it have to be me? So many questions. Every time I tried to think their answers my head threatened to rupture.

"Red you have finally come."

Bliss. Such simple emotions. This was what I was searching for. Drowning myself deeper in that pleasure I stopped thinking.

__________

I don't remember much of what happened after that. Everything is still blurry. There are some fragments here and there. Nothing coherent. Tearing something apart, biting something, getting trapped in a spiked enclosure and such. Only 2 memories are vivid to this day.

First was when a hole formed in front of me. I jumped down through it and my feet touched a cold hard floor. After God knows how many days spending in the loose sand my body was particularly excited about that.

Second was a woman. I was still in my world of dreams. No pain, no need for thinking, no need for sleep or rest. I was over the moon. Kill and eat. Nothing could stop me. Until I saw a woman. Long hair, ample breasts, no sign of clothes on her body. 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' 'Women' I kept muttering under my breath.

I slowly creeped toward her. She did not notice. She was absorbed in something else. My breathing became heavy and there was another feeling mixed in with my anger. I know now but I had not realised it back then.

When she was a few feet away from me she noticed something wrong and turned toward me. Seeing me she shrieked and extending her claws jumped toward me. The shrike caused my ears to bleed. Holding on to my ear I got out of her way and slit her throat.

Gasping she tried ro run away but I caught her before she could take a step. I flung her body on the floor and jumper on her. My hands ravaged her breasts. Something was responding to that action. I tore off the little cloth I had and proceeded to violate her.

I was about to go in when a tremendous shock ran through my spine shocking me to my very core. My vision became clear and I remembered. I remembered who I was. What had passed till now and how low I had fallen.

I was sitting there stuck between the legs of a humanoid creature. Her body was unmoving. Blood flowing from her throat. Breasts almost torn apart by a monster, and there I was. Hands covered in blood.

My guts churned. Kicking my legs on the floor, trying to get away from what I had done. My back met a wall. I was shaking uncontrollably. I was horrified. Guilt and disgust tearing apart my soul. Putting my head between my legs I started to melt in my self loathing.

"O God, what have I done!"

"What have I done!"

I was not a noble character. I had taken lives in thousands. I had played with my prey but this was a low that I had never imagined I could achieve. Of all the things I tried to rape someone. I had killed someone and tried to rape their dead body. While killing monsters I had turned into the most hideous one. I knew very well what would have happened to that poor soul If that shock did not wake me up. Even after waking up I had a lingering urge to consume her flesh while devouring her dignity.

I started vomiting. To this day when I remember that I feel mortified. To think I could turn into that thing. I cried, pulled my hairs apart, hit my head on the wall but nothing could get rid of my guilt. I had done the one thing I hated most. I was utterly clueless about what to do. I wanted to tear myself away. That's when I remembered something.

"The jelly. I need to get rid of it."

With my mind made up I sharpened my claw, got rid of all the enhancements my body was under and dug through my flesh.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....."

I cried in pain like a mad man. Self mutilation with a clear mind is never just about how much pain one can withstand. When someone sees their heart exposed, an ancient fear takes hold of them. I was in no way a clear minded person, but the fear of death is verry fundamental to human nature. For a moment I thought about ripping my heart out but shaking hand couldn't do it.

Groaning in pain I searched for the transparent ball of jelly. To my dismay I only found disappointment. There was nothing there. I could still feel it's presence but I could not see it or touch it. I broke down. If that was not a curse I didn't know what was.

Dazed, I stayed there sitting, in silence. I couldn't kill myself. I had to live with it all.

I decided to live. And live well. No matter what path laid ahed of me I decided to walk in it headfirst. To keep myself in control. To not repeat today's event. To go back. No matter how hard it may get. I promised to never falter.

"And no matter what, I will never give to that red's temptation."

__________

After healing up to an adequate amount I went toward the girl's corpse. She had beautiful green eyes. Green hair adorned her head like a shade in a sunny day. Her pale white skin was void of blood. Her ethereal beauty was wasted in a dungeon like this. But the most intriguing part was the silver husilvern mark on her forehead.

Kneeling down beside her I closed my eyes.

"I know I have wronged you. I know I cannot ask for your forgiveness. I will not ask for your forgiveness. I will just ask to give me enough strength to repent for my sin. Whatever curse you want me to bare I will take them with my head bowed. I know I am making excuses, but I have to live on."

I slit my right hand on top of her body and let the blood fall on her.

"I S#### #####, making blood as my witness asking for your hand in marriage. I do not wish to impose this decision of mine onto you. Nonetheless for the rest of my life I will stay faithful toward you."

Taking her lifeless body on my arms I ignited The biggest fire I could and prayed for her soul to rest in peace.

To some this whole thing might seem extra, or unnecessary. She was a monster after all. A red eyed one at that. So was I. After what I had done to her burning in an ethereal fire was the least I could do for her.

With my tusk complet I headed toward the sand.

__________

In a far away land, a King was was taking care of his field. As it is a tradition set by his fore fathers. Humming a merry tone the king ploughed away his woes and worries. Suddenly something rocky touched his plough. When he went to investigate he found an egg. Bigger than any he had ever seen. When he plucked the egg out it moved. Slowly cracks appeared all over the egg. The king looked in eagerness.

Sensing something amiss his trusted friend the court magician hurried to his side only to find him holding a baby in his arms. Ever so gently.

"Prepare a feast my friend. No one in my country should go hungry. For god have graced us with a beautiful daughter."