100% Haunted
1
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When I was a kid, I wanted the Heatseeker 9000®, but my parents never bought it for me. It costed $49.99 back then, and they said it was too expensive.
If they had known how much it costs now, they would have bought them all.
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Hmmmm… Maybe there's one cheaper elsewhere.
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Only $60?! That's too cheap. It must be fake for sure.
But what if it isn't? What if the seller doesn't know its value? Either way, I'm sure it won't include its accessories (those are harder to find because they're smaller and easier to lose. Some of those, in fact, end up being even more expensive than the figure itself).
Well, at least I could ask for pictures to make sure it's an original.
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I don't think they 're going to send me any pictures. And I won't risk $60 in a figure that's probably a fake.
So no, thank you.
*BOOM!*
"FIRE, FIRE!" I hear some sounds in the distance.
I glance at the watch in my screen's corner. 3:35 a.m.
I sigh and leave my room. Everything out there is covered in darkness. Still, I walk down the hallway and stop in front of a door. I open it slowly and silently. A small ray of light makes its way across the room, illuminating it a bit. Posters of all sizes cover the walls. Alien Apes™, Blundercats™, Dragon Soul Z™, He-Guy™, Samurai K-9™. Great shows. There are also shelves full of action figures, vehicles and other toys, some still in their boxes, and those boxes inside acrylic protectors—0.5 mm thick—with UV protection.
And at the back there is a bed with a small motionless lump on top.
"If any disobedient son of mine is still awake and playing with his Alien Apes™ figures, I'm going to ground him," I say it loud enough so that an awake Stevie can hear me, but low enough so that a sleeping Stevie won't wake up. Although he is most likely awake; that sound of "FIRE, FIRE!" is one of 24 phrases and sounds included in Alien Apes™ figures.
…
There's no response. Not like I expected it, though.
Anyway, I should sleep a little bit, so I slowly and silently close the door, but just before closing it completely I see a figure on the floor. It's one of the Alien Apes™, although I can't tell which one. Doesn't matter. I close the door and go to sleep.
2
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"FIRE, FIRE!"
I hear that sound again.
I glance at the watch in my screen's corner. 11:24 am.
Stevie's in school until 1 pm.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
Is someone here?
I get up.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I get out of my room.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
The sounds come from the other side of the hall. I grab my phone.
"Thanks for calling 911. Please wait in line; all our agents are busy right now. Your call is very important for us."
"I'm calling the cops," I say out loud. "Please leave."
"FIRE, FIRE!"
I hug the wall and go forward.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
The sounds are louder and louder.
I keep going forward until I reach Stevie's room.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
Someone's inside there.
"Please leave; I have a gun," I lie.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I get a little closer. I put my hand over the door, and I start pushing it with the tip of my fingers.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I stop—the door's sightly open now. From here I can only see is one of the shelves where Stevie has his toys. I reach the edge of the door and lean forward.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
But no one's there.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I get inside.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I check the closet.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I look under the bed.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
"FIRE, FIRE!"
That sound comes from somewhere on the floor. I look down and found a figure there, walking clumsily against the wall. It's one of Steve's Alien Apes™, Warhol.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
I grab it. It's still moving its legs. I put it back on the floor, now facing another direction. It walks forward.
"FIRE, FIRE!"
It keeps going a little bit, but then it suddenly stops and falls.
I grab it again.
It's probably out of batteries. I didn't know these figures could move like that, though; I was sure they only had phrases and sounds.
Well, we can check that now. I look in the shelves for a Warhol with its box (I always give Stevie two copies of the same figure: one to open and play with, and the other to collect in its original box in mint condition).
Here it is.
Let's see what it says.
Alien Apes™ from Magic Toys®.
Yada yada.
Warhol, collectible action figure.
Yada yada.
30 points of articulation, 24 different phrases and sounds.
No, it doesn't say anything about movement.
So what's the deal with this?
"911. Brian speaking. What's your emergency?"
Oh, yeah, the phone call.
"Uhm… my kid's toy was moving by itself. Sorry for that."
"Is this like a TokTok prank or something?"
"Excuse me?"
"This number is for emergencies only. We're always back-to-back 'cuz people like you are calling us with the sane joke. And we have your number, so if you keep doing this type of calls we're gonna press charges."
"Uhmm… sorry?"
Brian hangs up.
So I'm not the only one with this problem?
"FIRE, FIRE!"
3
Toy stores in crisis
In recent days, many parents have taken legal action against some toy companies because some of their products supposedly have a life of their own and move by themselves. These figures, better known as "haunted figures," have psychologically affected their children in one way or another, according to their testimonies.
The main companies that have been sued are Magic Toys®, Fun Deluxe®, Kidz N' All®, Playarama® and GameTime®, which guarantee that this phenomenon affects only an extremely low percentage of the toys produced, which is why the vast majority of their products on the market are totally safe.
In addition, both Fun Deluxe® and Playarama® have issued a recall in which they invite people to show up at any of their factories or collection centers with products that exhibit this behavior to receive a full refund. So far hundreds of people across the country have done so.
For now, the government is discussing whether to implement new regulations on toy factories to solve this problem. However, it should be noted that no company has provided an explanation for the unexpected behavior of its products, so it's not known what these new regulatory measures will be or how effective they may be.
4
[Sticker1.jpg in the comments]
This is the first thing I see when I open my Amazonian.com package. I take out carefully all the figures I ordered, check their boxes, and if and only if they are in mint condition, put them on my bed. Regardless of the near-mint figures (but still not mint) that I will refund, all of them, because of the new government regulations, have this sticker.
(I wish I could remove them, but I might damage the boxes in the process, and without that sticker, their value will probably decrease because it's part of the original packaging.)
The worst part of this sticker is that the old figures didn't have it, so these new ones look different than the rest.
Anyway, I grab the mint-condition figures and put them one by one inside their 5mm thick acrylic protectors—I do it slowly and carefully so as not to damage the boxes in the process, especially the edges. Now I stack them on top of each other and take them all. I walk over to the shelves that cover the walls of my room (in fact, they not only cover the walls, but the windows as well, which doesn't seem so bad to me because the sunlight fades boxes and figures alike) and arrange the figures in their respective places. Each shelf is assigned a different franchise, all franchises are arranged alphabetically (Alien Apes™, Blundercats™, Dragon Soul Z™, etc., He-Guy™, Samurai K-9™); and figures from each franchise are ordered according to their release date. There are so many figures that I put them one on top of the other because I don't have enough space to exhibit them properly. I also have many figures that are not in their original packaging, so I put them together in dioramas and recreate famous scenes from the series, and these ones, due to their size, I put them all the way at the bottom, and obviously they are already completely covered by other boxes.
I could take all the stuff from the living room and put more shelves there. Not a bad idea, and I'm going to need that space sooner or later.
"FIRE, FIRE!"
Oh, yeah. I put the figures down for a moment and look at the Alien Apes™ shelf. There, right on the level dedicated to the 80s is Stevie's Warhol. For now, I put it in the acrylic protector for the Heatseeker 9000 that I don't have yet.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
Now it's slowly and clumsily bumping into the acrylic protector. Sometimes it does that, and when it does it leaves some paint marks. Maybe I should wrap it in bubble wrap or something, so it doesn't damage itself anymore (and lose some of its value as a collectible figure). Or I can ask…
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Done. Now I just need to wait for an answer. This might take a while, so—
*DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING*
My phone's getting tons of notifications.
Let's see…
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5
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My phone's screen lights up for the umpteenth time. I have received so many messages from people who want to buy me the haunted figure that I ended up silencing all notifications—otherwise I'd be hearing those *DING*s all the time.
Even though I could not be a bad idea to get some money out of this—I could buy a Heatseeker 9000®. Let's see how much it's worth:
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Wow, it seems I could even buy two Heatseeker 9000®.
And what are those Ghoul Goons™? I open YouHub and watch the first video i found about it.
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I enter fundeluxe.shop.
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Maybe there's some available in the toy store.
I leave my room, turn on the hallway light and walk forward. I go right and enter the living room. I extend my arm and slide my hand along the wall until I find the switch. I press it and the room lights up. There are shelves covering all the walls and windows, and they're all filled with figures in their respective boxes, and each of those boxes is inside its respective protector. There are so many shelves that finally all my figures and dioramas are properly displayed.
(Even though there's not much free space for new figures.)
I walk across the living room and go to the garage. I start my car and head out to the mall. I get to the parking lot, but it's almost full. There are several cars in front of me looking for a parking spot. I look at my watch. 10:55 AM. Today is Wednesday. There shouldn't be that many people here at this hour.
Maybe everyone's looking for the Ghoul Goons™ too.
I finally park somewhere and get out of my car. I run towards the mall, just to be surrounded by people doing exactly the same. We look at each other without saying a work and quicken the pace until we end up running full speed. We get closer and closer to the mall's doors, so we start pushing each other to get them out of our way and get in first. Some of them trip and fall, and some start fighting each other; the rest gets in and runs to the nearest toy store. It's still closed. But on one side of the door there is a long line of people waiting even though there are signs posted at the entrance that say, "GHOUL GOONS SOLD OUT" and "ALL PURCHASES ARE FINAL. NO REFUNDS". There are also many people around the store, waiting. The vast majority are middle-aged men, just like me. I bet they are all collectors. Or resellers.
An employee opens the door, and everyone forgets the line, run towards it and push each other to get in first. Many people fall to the ground, and the rest move forward, not caring about stepping on somebody. I also approach the entrance and by pushing, hitting, and pulling someone back I get in. At all times I feel several hands clinging to my body and my clothes, but nothing that a good elbow to the face can't solve.
I inch my way to the action figure aisle. The shelves are huge, but they're completely empty. There's only a lot of people fighting over what someone else managed to get. There's even a bunch of people banding together to assault anyone who has at least one figure in his hands. Their victim hugs a Warhol figure and places himself in a fetal position on the floor so that no one can take it away from him. The figureless band surround him and start punching and kicking him on the ground.
"Take it! Take it, please!" cries the person on the ground and hands them his Warhol.
Someone takes it.
"There you go: nice and easy. Anyway, let's go, folks," he says to the rest of the group, who just surround him.
"Give us the Warhol," they demand.
"Wait, you guys have a Warhol?" more groups appear, and all of them end up fighting each other. There are so many people that they end up pushing each other over and over again against the shelves, which begin to sway.
I turn around, but there's so many people there too that I simply can't run away. The shelves sway more and more, and the only thing left to do is to curl on the ground, in fetal position, and hear and feel how the shelves fall over us.
After that, everything is silence. I try to get up, but there are too many shelves above me. I crawl on the ground looking for an exit, but around me there's only rubble, broken and open boxes, shattered figure parts, and some injured people.
But no Warhol.
(Even though, now that I think about it, if there was a haunted figure there, some employee might had already taken it away. If I were him, I would check every single figure as soon as it arrives and buy all the haunted ones to resell them.)
After crawling for a while, I manage to get out of the hallways. In front of me there's the checkout.
"Just one line, please," uselessly says one of the cashiers—more and more people arrive at every single moment and they all crowd there.
"I'm taking all of this!"
"Hey, I was first!"
"I'll buy all that guy's stuff too!"
"Do you have more figures in the back rooms?"
"How much time do I have to make a refund? I get my money back, right?"
"Sell everything to me and I'll give you a little tip!"
"Do you have haunted figures or not?"
Using the old trick of pushing and stepping on people at the entrance, I get out of there, only to find many sketchy guys around the mall. They're leaning against the wall, with several bags in their hands.
"You want some haunted figures?" one of them asks me and tells me to come over. I do so. He looks around and opens one of his bags. "I got Basquiat, Kokun, Sailor Boop and much more. $100 each."
"And they're haunted?" I ask.
"Some of them."
"Which ones?"
"They're all mixed. But some of them move. Actually, they were moving a lot a minute ago. Ok, I'll give 'em to you at $80 each."
"$80? I bet none of those is haunted.
Anyway, I get out of the mall and go back home; when I'm there, I go straight to my room.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
Luckily, Warhol's bumping against his glass case right now, so I take out my phone and I start recording him.
"FIRE, FIRE!"
6
"Are you AlienApes4ever?" A man approaches me with a large bag in each hand. I am standing at the mall's entrance, and I have a small bag hanging from my shoulder.
"Are you Picasso1245, right?" I shook his hand and take out my Warhol figure from the bag.
"Can I see it?"
I give it to him. He puts his bags on the floor, grabs my Warhol carefully and inspects it.
"Its hands and face are a little damaged."
"Yeah, it bumps a lot against his glass case, just like in the video I sent you."
"You sure it's haunted?" he asks.
"Yeah. But it only moves once in a while. Can I check your stuff?"
"Sure," he gives me back my Warhol and takes out two Heatseeker 9000® from his bags, one in its original packaging and the other isn't.
I grab the former one and hand him my Warhol. As in the pictures he sent me, the box appears to be in near-mint condition. It has some small details in the corners, but I know the ones in mint condition are way more expensive.
I set theat Heatseeker 9000® aside and pick up the other. It has several details and does not include its accessories but judging by the quality of the plastic and the paint, it's clearly an original.
I start pressing one of its buttons.
POW!
BOOM!
PEW, PEW!
FIRE, FIRE!
"And why are you getting rid of your Warhol?" he asks me.
"Well, I always wanted to have a Heatseeker 9000®. The packaged one goes in my collection with the rest, and the other one will end up in a diorama."
"Yes, but why don't you just buy me both Heatseeker 9000®s and call it a day?"
"Well, if I'm honest, I'm already tired of this Warhol. Every now and then I hear the *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* and the 'FIRE, FIRE!'. And I don't want to spend all that money on the Heatseeker 9000®s. Also, a haunted figure doesn't fit with the rest of my collection, and I know that the longer I have it, the more I'll want to collect haunted figures too, and to buy those I'm going to end up selling my house or a kidney haha."
He's still inspecting the Warhol.
"I dunno, man," he shakes his head.
"Well, you tell me. But there are more people interested on it, and I would offer it to them if you don't want it."
He looks at the Warhol from different sides.
He turns it around.
He watches closely its face and hands.
"Fine," he finally says. "I'll give you both my Heatseeker 9000®s for your haunted Warhol."
"Great," we shake our hands, and each one of us takes our belongings and leaves. I put the Heatseeker 9000®s in my car's trunk, get into the pilot's seat and leave. I see that guy far away; he's still staring at his Warhol, waiting for it to move.
But it never will—that's not my haunted Warhol, it's just one of the same model that I had in my dioramas.
What a shame.
7
[MoreHauntedFigureResearch1.jpg in the comments]
Why are the haunted figures so cheap now?
Let's check somewhere else.
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I'm pretty sure those figures are fakes, but literally I got nothing to lose.
I follow the link and order.
8
I ended up buying two different haunted figures. I have both packages on my desk, still sealed. One is inside a box, and the other's in a black bag.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
"FIRE, FIRE!" I look towards my Warhol, but it's not moving. Those sound should come from at least one of the packages.
I open the bag and take out a poorly painted figure that reeks of cheap plastic. I ordered a Warhol like mine to compare both.
This one's clearly a fake.
"♫¡AY AY AAA! I'M YOUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY!♫" the fake Warhol plays a sound that no Alien Apes™ had ever had. Well, I didn't expect more from a $39 haunted figure, to be honest."
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
This sound comes from the other package. I take my knige and cut the box's tape. I open the box, and there's a better-quality Warhol there (which is no surprise, considering this is a $120 figure). I put it side-by-side with the original. There's barely any difference between them, except in the finisidhing touches in the pupils, the fingers and the accesories.
But that doesn't really prove this one's a fake too—the quality of Magic Toys® figures is not always the best.
"FIRE, FIRE"
*Toc*
*Toc*
*Toc*
But, despite all, both figures move by themselves.
"RIING! RIING! WOOF! WOOF, WOOF! ♫AI AI AAA! I'M YOUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY!♫
9
The crisis of the haunted figures
On recent days, "haunted" figures had gained popularity among collectors around the world. However, in recent weeks, the value of these figures has plummeted due to various factors, such as falsifications appearing in the market, the constant sale of regular figures passing them off as haunted, and even the falsification of official documents such as certificates of authenticity.
The government asks collectors to be very careful when buying or selling one of these figures. Several days ago, they proposed implementing a law in which any haunted figure for sale, whether through physical or digital businesses, had to be certified by the Federal Consumer Support Institute (FCSI). To do so, the figure had to pass two tests: the first one was an inspection in which the figure was opened in search of any external circuit that produced the movement, and the second consisted of keeping the figure under observation for 24 hours to verify that the figure presents any activity.
However, many collectors rejected this measure since, when a collectible figure is opened, it loses most of its value. In addition, they have also said that some of the haunted figures may not be active for several consecutive days.
Therefore, the government is looking for new measures to regulate this market.
10
[Sticker2.jpg in the comments]
This is the first thing I see when I open my Amazonian.com package.
Well, at least it's not too different from the last one.
I take out everything from the package and put it on my desk. It's the new line of Dragon Soul Z™ collectible figures. I take them one by one and check each box and blister to make sure that they are all in mint condition.
And they are, so I put each one inside its protector, stack them on top of each other, load them up, and leave my room. I walk down the hallway. Around me there are nothing but shelves full of figures inside their boxes inside their protectors. I enter the garage and find exactly the same.
But I still need many Dragon Soul Z™ figures to complete my collection, especially the Hame House® which, as its name indicates, was the house where all the main characters met. When I was a child, I always wanted it, but my parents never bought it for me.
How expensive will it be on the market now?
It wouldn't hurt to find out.
I go back to my room.
[HameHouse.jpg in the comments]