11 Settlement

Leonidas is a liar and a fiend. I was suspicious of what he meant by 'proper introductions'; originally, I thought he would simply have us expatiate our personalities and interests to each other. Instead, he did our 'introductions' himself, exposing our backgrounds and 'abilities' to each other.

"The subject, Ioann Maksymovich Ivanov, is a Russian standing above two meters tall, either in his twenties or his thirties. The subject's father died when the subject was young, though not before teaching Latin to the subject. The subject's Gear allegedly awakened at around age ten. The subject grew up in a small Church on the outskirts of Moscow, eating little."

Leonidas dully flipped the page of the notes he was reading off of.

"The subject's Gear's ability is absorption of Holy Energy, and it hasn't been seen for centuries. Onto Priska Freya Ilse von Ernst."

Another flip.

"This subject was born into the House of Ernst in Imperial Germany and stands at around one-point-five meters. [1] The subject is in her late twenties or so. The subject was deported after insulting a National Socialist higher-up and fled to Italy, where she was subsequently recruited by the Church. The subject's Gear is named Whited Hilt and allows her to make any blade she's holding burn at extremely high temperatures. You both were paying attention?" he asked, looking up.

Neither of us really had a response or reaction. The girl appeared to be a bit miffed at having her personal information given away - so readily, at that - right in front of her, but it was hardly noticeable. Me? It was basic information about my life. I don't particularly care if they know those minor details as long as they don't dig too deep into things I'd rather not have anyone know.

"I will take that as a yes. I have nothing more, and the psychological analysis and personality summarizations are useless; I'd like to assume you two aren't too socially incompetent to figure out each others' personalities and traits." He threw the papers onto the dinner table we were sitting at with a thump.

The personality summarization would've been a punch in the gut to the minx near me. Imagine being told to your face that you're an impudent, jaundiced, sluttish cretin by your superiors. The psychological analysis would've been even more brutal, as she's been for long enough to specify exactly how cowardly and faithless she is.

Speaking of the psychological analysis, I wonder how they would've analyzed my psyche without me noticing - who did it is even more interesting. It's a very impressive feat to conduct a covert psychological analysis within less than two hours. How could they do it in a way that doesn't leave only inane, unimportant details that can be determined with a single glance? Again, I've only been conscious for a few hours total since I joined the Church.

The one person who might have been able to do it is Jacques, but I still have my doubts about that. Even when assuming that Jacques is an actual medical professional and was secretly observing every detail about me during our fifteen minute conversation, it's not as if he could glean much from it… I think.

I'd been in an unconscious and dazed state, so maybe I revealed more than I thought. Or maybe he has an ability relating to mind reading? I remember some parts of the conversation where he would answer my questions before I even asked them.

Doesn't matter, I suppose. All I did was prove my faith to him if the latter is the case.

"Did you want to get this over with so badly that you did our 'introductions' for us?" Priska asked. "Such a low-class mindset. I can see you don't know how to socialize."

"Of course I want to get this over with." He shrugged, ignoring the later insults. "Introductions are a waste of time - you do that stuff in school, not in the Papacy. I can't be criticized. Anyway, time to explain your immediate future. You'll get recruited by the Catholics now - which was actually the best decision, to be honest, since they give the best benefits - and settle your circumstances with Santiago. After that -"

"Wait," I interrupted. Which is a shame, because virtually every sentence out of this man's mouth is a gold mine of information. Listening to him is like being in a university lecture, meanwhile Alessandro was more of a primary school teacher. "Obviously Catholicism is the best, but weren't the other denominations willing to offer benefits too? What was the context behind that statement?"

"I don't blame you for asking, since it's fairly confusing when you don't know the background information." Leonidas began tapping his kneeplate with his finger, possibly out of boredom. "The benefits gained from whatever denomination one chooses if they're normal does actually depend on the offers. It is a strange system. Someone without much potential or prestige wanting to join a denomination goes off of what they're offered, but someone who'll definitely pay back whatever investments and resources are poured into them is not under the same circumstances."

He pointed at me. "Your ability allows you to absorb and control the energy of the Angels; do you think anyone who recruits you isn't going to dump as many resources into you as possible, when doing so would give them more power and prestige? It's for this reason that Catholicism is the best for you both - they have plenty of resources to spare. Just because you didn't agree on any benefits doesn't mean you aren't going to get lathered in Holy Sword Affinity tests, personal trainers, luxurious living circumstances, and anything else that would make you happy, loyal, and more powerful."

Ah. So anyone with potential who doesn't join Catholicism finds this out later on and regrets everything.

"And idiotic, brainless newcomers don't know this, so they make the mistake of choosing the other denominations?" Priska interjected, a smirk on her face - most likely from realizing that her little tantrum made her choose correctly, in the end.

"You also would've been an 'idiotic, brainless newcomer' making a bad decision if you didn't have such a petulant personality," I pointed out.

"What was that? Did you hear anything, Leonidas? Maybe it was a filthy swill-sucker believing his opinion to be of significance to his betters."

"How unrefined. You call me the barbarian? Such language is inexcusable."

"Shut up. To answer your question, Priska, yes, although it only applies to people with potential. I don't like to admit it, being a member of Orthodoxy." Out of the blue, Leonidas clapped his hands. "Oh. I forgot arguably the most important thing to do before everything else. Here, wait a second. Hello, chef?" He called. It wasn't like he was screaming at the top of his lungs, but his voice was loud enough to reverberate through the halls regardless. "Bring me a plate of fruit."

I probably couldn't be that loud even if I put every fiber of my being into yelling. Does his Sacred Gear make him genuinely inhuman? It would explain his speed.

"Yes, Sire!" spoke some deep-voiced, middle-aged man a few halls away.

He's hungry, I suppose. Understandable.

"No, I am not hungry." Perhaps his Sacred Gear is similar to Jacques' ability. "Before describing your immediate future, I'm going to introduce you to your personal chef and set an example for the other staff."

"Why must we waste our time on a worthless grun-"

"Because, Priska," Leonidas enunciated, most likely in mockery, "it's best to minimize the chance of getting poisoned. Make sure you meet your gardener, too, as well as the Exorcists who'll be posted at your doors from today onwards - we don't want a Praetorian Guard situation." [2]

Formerly, I would've never spared the house staff a single thought, but the Praetorian Guard and chef points are fairly solid. I'll take heed of them - can't rain fire and brimstone upon the enemies of God while dead.

I don't care about the gardener though. What'll he do if I don't play nice, trim the hedges to look like a phallus?

Regardless, now that he mentions the staff, there is one concern of mine.

"Leonidas," I started, "can we make arrangements to remove any women from the household staff? I don't wish to be seduced by foul succubi."

"If you want to clean all six floors of this castle yourself, then sure."

He makes a good point. Better to have the women do the dirty work.

"Also, the maids are all nuns. I'm not sure what kind of whorehouse you think the Vatican is, but, regardless, you don't need to worry about the maids in terms of assassination or anything else… including what you mentioned." He looked at me as if I was stupid when saying that. "They're all certified and vetted by high-rankers."

Meh. At least they're subservient. I can't choose my own servants yet, so I'll tolerate these ones, even if they're definitely undercover spies - Leonidas is implying something fishy going on by even entertaining the idea that the staff could assassinate me.

I don't know why they're bothering to have spies infiltrate this place when they've already stuck a supervisor up my ass at all times, but whatever. God has a plan for me, I suppose.

"I'm here, Sire," said the pudgy man entering. "I decided to bring an assortment of whatever fruits I could throw together, no rhyme or reason to it - except for the presentation, of course. I hope you don't mind."

"Thank you, and yes, it's not a problem. What's your name?" he asked, beckoning the chef to place the plate on the table.

I'm fairly sure chefs simply prepare the food instead of serving it - the latter is the job of butlers. This man is clearly in on whatever clowning around Leonidas is promulgating.

"My name is Pietro. I hope to work professionally with you both," he said, nodding at us after delivering the plate. "Shall I go, Sire?"

That was quite a short interaction. Are we supposed to bribe him later on? Bribery is clearly what Leonidas was implying - he even made a pinching motion when mentioning the Praetorian Guard, and I don't think he was referring to how they sever veins.

I hope it's not bribery and is what he was saying - just acting friendly towards them. My valuables are mine.

"Yes, please. We must discuss further," Leonidas replied. Pietro bowed, beginning to leave, and Leonidas waited until he was out of sight to resume the conversation. "Okay. Your future is quite simple: Settle your circumstances with Santiago," he said, beginning to munch on an apple, "have a good night's rest, do a Holy Sword Affinity test and Magical Affinity test the next day, and then you begin training, maybe under me - we're not sure yet. Any questions?"

Yes, actually, although Priska interrupted me with unimportant, halfwitted drivel before I could ask my question.

"Can that rotund Italian even cook?"

Leonidas didn't bother replying, looking to see if I had any questions.

"What is a Holy Sword Affinity test?"

Leonidas sighed. "I should get you two Monastery Minds. It's getting bothersome to explain all the basic information. Anyway, a Holy Sword is what it sounds like - a sword with Holy Energy - and Holy Sword Affinity is the measure of whether or not you can wield one. I wield a fairly powerful Holy Sword myself: Excalibur Fulmination, or, alternatively, Excalibur Rapidly, as the tasteless morons believing the former to be a misleading name say."

I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted.

And before you ask," he looked at me, "Magical Affinity is the same thing: the measure of your capability to wield Magic… although, whether or not you'll want to is a different matter."

Actually, now that he mentions it, why does the Church use Magic? Virtually every Bible verse relating to Magic portrays it as an ultimate evil.

I won't immediately resort to accusations of heresy - Magic could help to fight against the accusers and accosters of Heaven - so I'll give the benefit of the doubt until I learn the full context behind everything.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Assuming that you mean the part about whether or not you'll want to learn Magic, don't worry about it for now. It'll be taught later," he waved me off. "Now, before you interrupted me, I was going to tell you what you'd be doing in the future. In short, you do whatever it is you'll do with Santiago, and then you go to sleep. Maybe I'll let you roam around the castle if I'm feeling especially generous. I'm just kidding about that, by the way; you have a curfew."

Curfew? What's the point in a curfew? This isn't grade school.

"The next day, you'll most likely have either a Holy Sword Affinity test or a Magical Affinity test and meet your personal trainer, who doesn't exist as of now because they haven't been decided on. After meeting him, you'll either get a briefing on what he'll teach you or just begin the training. Acceptable?"

"Decently," Priska replied. "Just make sure my room is of high enough esteem."

"Great, because Santiago is here." Leonidas clapped his hands. "I sensed the dimensional disruption of his entrance; make sure you look presentable. Leaving a good impression on your future ally is important… although, it may already be too late for the both of you. Or maybe not, since Santiago has a reputation for being of long of nose [3] and kind. He didn't seem particularly bureaucratic, either, so I wouldn't be surprised if this interaction lasted less than fifteen minutes."

Good to know. I'm not in the mood for more political-related ramblings. Besides, there are more important questions to ask.

"Leonidas," I rapped my knuckles on the table, "can I ask to meet an Angel when settling my terms?"

It's a fair question, so I'm confused as to why Priska and Leonidas are giving me strange looks.

"...Maybe? Oh, wait, never mind. It's a definite no. The 'maybe' is because I forgot you had already shown that you happen to self-destruct while around any Holy Energy. Also, not being able to control the ability to absorb Holy Energy while around the Heavenly Host, beings fully made of it, wouldn't help your case in the first place."

Ah. Fair enough, actually - I wouldn't want to incur the wrath of the Lord by accidentally atomizing one of his children.

"You could have an actual meeting if you prove yourself later down the line, though. Don't fully rule it out - and you'll end up encountering - if not interacting with - one at some point in your career regardless."

"Ha ha! If it isn't my new favorite Exorcists!" Santiago walked in at that moment, arms outstretched as if he was expecting us to run over and give him a hug. "I've been promoted to Archbishop-rank, Leonidas! What do you think? Any advice?"

"Congratulations, I suppose," he responded, seeming bored in comparison to Santiago's giddiness. "All it has in store for you is more dangerous assignments, so you should brush up on your skills. I understand that Bishop-ranks don't usually face genuine High-Class beings, and there hasn't been as much fighting lately - though, that'll most likely change soon."

I hope so. The Lord's will commands it. Or, as they say in twelfth century A.D., Deus lo vult. The recent shortening to Deus vult is a historical inaccuracy.

"Thank you for the advice," he chuckled, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the other end of the table. "Now, time to settle your… I don't know what to call it. Signing bonus? Contractual terms? You get what I mean. Anyway, I don't like to go in roundabout circles."

He made a circling motion with an index finger to illustrate his point.

"I want to be straightforward and say that I already implied the terms. Are you both okay with simply being able to ask for whatever you want - within reason, of course - as time goes on and your understanding grows? Obviously, whether or not something is within reason is subjective, so we'll either create a rulebook for requests or form a council to debate about it. Probably the latter, to be honest with you. Questions?"

He's much more professional now.

"Yes,'' Priska started. "Catalufo, who will this supposed 'council' be?"

I'm confused as to why she felt the need to include a racial slur in that question.

Santiago shrugged. "To be determined, I guess. It'll probably be made up of a few Cardinals and Bishops - all Catholic, of course. Now then, I'm off to party!" He stood up, the triumphant smile he walked in with reappearing. "Unless you guys have anything else to add?"

"We accept, I suppose," I said.

All he responded to me with was an outstretched hand and a smile. "Thank you both for the promotion, really. I need the extra vacation time."

I don't really care, but better to be on good terms with my - as much as I hate to say it - superior, at least in the short term. Even if his bloodline is comprised of Arab rape babies.

Standing up, I took his hand and shook it.

"I'll be off now! I'll see you two again!" he yelled, waving at us while leaving.

"Are there usually parties in the Vatican?" I asked.

"No. You'd get severely punished for doing something like that. He's probably just going out to drink with a few friends. Now, time for bed, my little children," he laughed. "Too bad that you have a curfew. Tomorrow is a busy day though, so be prepared."

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[1] 1.5m is 4'11" for any Americans out there. She's very short, to be honest. Here's a height comparison between her and Ioann:

(Picture here.)

Yeah… It'll be a sticking point between them.

[2] This is a reference to how Roman Emperors were constantly assassinated by the Praetorian Guard, even though the Praetors were supposed to protect them.

[3] Being 'long of nose' means that you're hard to anger. God is long of nose/long-nosed in the Bible.

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I want to write a proper fight scene really badly right now, to be honest.

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