Budding Diplomata.

After we finished gorging ourselves to our heart's content, Shuaiqi came in to see the scraps of our... session.

"did a pack of wild dogs come here?!" he asked in genuine shock.

"oh, brother dearest? Did you come here to seduce my wife and steal her from me?" I asked. "or were you perhaps planning on bumping into her and slowly making your way into her heart? Cuckolding me, maybe? Either way, I don't mind. You can have her. I honestly don't care," I said as I waved my hand, as if shooing away some flies.

"how disgusting? I have no interest in the princess, nor your plots against her. Though, if possible, would you care to share the new servant you brought in? I heard she was a real beauty."

... excuse me? Shuaiqi, my friend... no matter how beautiful a pig may be, a king would never marry it. Why? First of all, it's a pig. Second of all, it's not the king's choice on whom he marries.

"Shuaiqi... no matter how beautiful a pig is, a person will never marry it. Especially if the person is of a high standing, like you. Besides, don't want to find your nonexistent fantasy of an angelic wife and live happily in the countryside with twins, one boy, one girl?"

"brother... did you read my diary?"

Granny started snickering, and the high commander just looked at me.

"I always told you that diaries were a waste of paper and ink. I also remember saying it is leaving evidence of your embarrassing moments. Isn't that right, strong daddy swordsman."

Granny broke into a laughter, and the high commander ushered her out of the room. Meanwhile, Shuaiqi was blushing like a little girl.

"anyways, Shuaiqi. You should know I aim to be a big-time mafia boss, in the future. I cannot bring myself to commit crime, knowing my brother leaves behind evidence of crime. Who knows if one day, police investigate your diary and see this: 'my brother is a big-time mafia boss and he's done all this stuff [organized list of all my crimes].'."

He whimpered.

Shuaiqi, my poor brother. What has become of you? Wait, no. I went through a time in life just like this, did I not?

Yes, yes I did. I remember it is being called 'puberty' by the teachers at school?

By now, the high commander came back into the room, only to hear my speech.

"don't worry, brother. You are simply going through an awkward phase in your life. Father wishes to protect your innocence, so he has not told you, but right now, you are at an age where you might look at that whore-spawn of a bastard whose name I had forgotten (but is definitely female), and fall in love with her! My teacher's words exactly."

Well, maybe some of mine, too.

"f-father?" he said with tears in his eyes. "is this true?"

Unable to refute my statement, father simply avoided Shuaiqi's gaze."

"Pangzi. I plan on sending you to the west, as an emissary from our lands."

"no can do. I don't know shit about diplomacy."

"which is why this mission is due in a year. I expect you to become a well learned diplomat within that year, instead of killing your half-brothers/sisters. Also, if you fail, be prepared to go six feet under."

"what choice do I have? I'll be sure to tell the west how much of a brute your are."

"also, you have to learn the language of the west, at the very least. You're smart enough to figure out what to do, even if you don't learn proper diplomacy. I have also stocked the entire 'diplomacy for dogs' and 'diplomacy for learned dogs' and 'diplomacy' series. In a week, I expect the 'western language for dogs' to come as well. After a month or so, the other two will come. Anyways, enjoy your life."

"bastard."

"I forgot, but the 'diplomacy for humans' will arrive tomorrow."

"dearest father, have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"thank you, son. The 'diplomacy for learned humans' will come in a month."

"... it's getting quite hard to love you, father."

"that is fine with me, son."