1 Doubt

They say that if you find the one you will know... For me he was the one but not in the way you think. He isn't the one in a romantic relationship or the one like you see on TV. And still for me he was the one I knew it. The one that would change me. The one that would be the wind under my wings and the one that would be special to me in so many ways. We aren't lovers but we are partners and we are that kind of couple.

A deep sigh left him as he threw away the speech wanting to start over again. It was only a few weeks away for the fan meeting and he still hadn't finished writing his speech to his fans and especially to his partner. They are one of the most famous online couples, shipped by fans all over the world and they had their special birthday fan meeting in a few weeks. The stress was starting to take a tall on the boy. After all he was nearly thirty now and per his own comment getting old. Laughing at his own turn of thoughts he just shook his head returning to the paper in front of him. What should he say? This speech was something special something he hadn't done before and a task he had first thought as easy really started to change his view on a lot of things. Starring at the blank sheet of paper he was thinking about the other about his character and most of all his feelings. He wasn't sure what he felt. Of course, he loved the little mouse but was it the type of love their fans were hoping for? He couldn't tell. With desperation in his eyes he got up to leave the room and instead fall face first on his bed rolling around with a deep frustrated sigh. 'Let's go over this slow start at the beginning.' He thought to himself.

It had been some time since they first meet. In the beginning he was confused and a little taken aback by the others character and actions. Especially his easy willingness to initiate any kind of skinship. After a while and them starring in their first drama and them discovering a lot of similarities between them they had started to get close and even became the online couple they were now.

With a growl he pulled his hair shaking his head. That wouldn't get him anywhere. First, he had to sort out his own feelings. He was sure that he wasn't in love with the other but he did love him and that was what brought on this confusion. He did feel jealous over the other having contact with other guys but it wasn't the kind of jealousy you would expect it was more the fact that their fans would expect it from him and that it was like a trained reaction. To contrast that if he heard someone else talk about his partner seeming close with some girl and even if they were speculating about their relationship all he would think about was how happy he would be if the other found some happiness. It was messing with his head the more he thought about it. Until now he had not once questioned their friendship or their relationship ever but this damn speech really started to push him out of balance. Sighing again he finally couldn't deal with it anymore really not wanting to get deeper into this rabbit hole and the only solution for that was: get some friends to join him play online games.

After a night of gaming and pushing away his thoughts he woke up late happy to finally get a day without much work. He had a shooting later and a meeting for his clothing line but for now for the first time in a while he had all the right to lay in bed lazing around and just surf the net. He was a true home boy so days like this were true bliss for him. Sometimes he would invite his friends over to spent time together and sometimes days or nights like that would escalated a little but it all happened inside his own place so it was the most comfortable for him. With his phone and a lazy yawn, he decided to spent him time in social media. First checking Twitter and IG for any new posts about himself then the news sides to keep up with all the entertainment news especially at the moment since their big fan meeting was drawing closer. After checking those things, he finally decided to just lazy around scrolling through IG. He stopped at one particular story. It was a repost of a TikTok video posted by his little mouse. Watching it he smiled even laughing about it. The video was just exactly what you would expect of the boy. Without leaving a comment he continued looking around to see what else fun he would find. After nearly an hour he finally got up and ready for the day. It was already late enough and he wanted to get breakfast before having to talk business. Since he normally never cooked, he had to go out for food deciding that it probably would be the fasted to just get it on the way to work.

Only later that afternoon after finishing most of his work and even the shooting for one of his shows he had time again to check his phone but everything was different from this morning. Both his twitter and IG were filled with tags mentions and comments all about the others post this morning. With a sigh he turned his phone off not even reading them. Again... was all he could think. His thoughts were starting to get covered in a light black as he started thinking about it. This wasn't much and normally he would just handle it with some humour and move on but why did it shake him this time? Clearly when he first saw the post, he didn't mind but now that it was spreading everywhere it started bothering him badly. He didn't like feeling that way. It was as if there was a weight on his shoulders a pressure that he couldn't shake off. With a low sigh he shook his head to clear it up and went to grab dinner with one of his friends he was shooting the show with.

His mind cleared up quick enough after having dinner and finally returning home. Definitely home was the most comfortable place. Now that he was feeling a lot better, he turned his phone back on and dealt with the post like he always did with a good amount of humour and the appropriate amount of jealousy his fans expected of him. The post wasn't anything bad it was just a video of his mouse and one of the other artists in their agency dancing to a song together making it look a little sensual with the way they look at each other. It was just of fun but of course their fans would go wild over it with comments and mentions asking if he was jealous or what was going on and even pushing both pairing names into the hashtag top 10. He really didn't mind that side of their fans it showed that they cared and it helped them get attention but ever since he started writing that speech and actually questioning things moments like that would catch him on the wrong side of the bed. When he first saw the post he only thought that it was cute and funny nothing more, then when their fans started reading things into it normally he would just play the jealous boyfriend and leave a comment or two about it mixed with some humour and then get on with his day but not this time. When he first saw the reactions and comments, he got angry instead. Not at his fans or his friend for posting something like that but at himself. At first, he hadn't even been sure why he got angry but now that he was calm, he realized the reason why he was angry was because he had felt the pressure that his fans had put on him to react to it. Never before had he seen his fans attention as pressure so it had made him angry at himself. At the same time the fact that he had felt pressure from their actions really had shaken him making him think back on other incidents wondering if he had always felt that pressure but just never realized it. It was a question that changed a lot of things. With a dee sigh he pushed all those thoughts away again. This was getting ridiculous and out of hand he really should stop thinking that way if he didn't want to end up in a dark place.

That night he had been tossing and turning trying to get his mind to stop worrying. The next morning, he looked accordingly exhausted and drained. A quick shower and breakfast and he was off to work. The next few days went by with not much happening the only change was that he started to notice things differently. When he was talking to his fans or even when he was interacting with his partner it felt different to him like something had changed. It wasn't a big change but it was different. Not that it effected his work or anything it was just something that started going through his head. He was analysing situations more and more. Every video, photo or tweet he would uploaded he would think about more than usually wondering how their fans would interpret it and if it would make them put pressure on them again. For the first time he even started to wonder if his little mouse felt the same pressure if he wondered about it too. Probably not but the thought got stuck in his head and finally he couldn't get rid of it anymore. Like a small dark spot in his mind it was sitting there coming up once in a while to make him wonder and overthink again. Throughout those days they had a lot of times they interacted with each other: practise for the fan meeting, fitting for the cloth and other related things and every time they would take pictures together and upload videos for the fans. Normally he wouldn't really bother about the cameras in the room but now he started to notice them all the time thinking about what their fans would want to see. It was to the point that even his friends and co-workers asked him if anything was wrong since he looked stressed. Not wanting to talk about it he just pushed his behaviour on the date for the fan meeting getting closer and the fact that he couldn't sleep much because of work and because he was worried about singing and dancing in front of a lot of people. Even After years of being an entertainer he still didn't make his peace with that part of the business. He was an actor not some idol singing and dancing on stage but for his fans he was willing to take the challenge and perform on stage.

At least for a few days everything was going smooth and finally his mind started to calm down again the doubts were still there but even smaller than before. Slowly in his mind everything started to return to normal and he finally found the confidence to sit down and tackle the speech again but just like before his mind was blank, he couldn't think of anything it was like there was a blockade in his brain. At that point he didn't know that the blockade was there to protect him so he continued trying to force it. Going back to old memories and trying to remember when and how they changed from just acquaintances to friends to whatever they were today. It probably started when they first appeared as an on-screen couple. Back then they got to know each other and started building their fan base as a couple. At first it was just on screen but their fans pushed it more and more into real live. Thinking like that in a way whatever they were today was thanks to their fans. Maybe he should just write that as a speech and call it a day. Thinking like that he leaned back. That wasn't right either. He really needed to come up with something but just like before his mind was blank. With an unhappy growl he put down the pen deciding to just go to sleep.

The next day he woke up to his phone buzzing with messages from his friends giving him a heads up. At first, he was just confused yawning as he went through the messages but soon, he understood what they were talking about. Apparently yesterday someone in the agency posted a video on their IG that caused a ruckus in his fandom. The video was only getting so much attention because it was the same two people that had been in the first video now nearly two weeks ago. It wasn't a bad video or anything that would normally bring trouble but since it was his partner with someone besides him in it his friends send him the heads up knowing that his fans wouldn't be happy and sure enough once he opened his IG it was filled with messages tags and mentions. With a sigh he ignored all of them and just looked at the video first wanting to know exactly what it was about before showing any kind of reaction. In the video his partner and one of the other artists in his agency were re-creating a famous love scene from an older TV show. It wasn't that bad but with a nice editing job and a lot of pink fluffy stickers and filter it looked really cute and romantic leaving their fans fuming with anger towards his mouse and him. They were blaming him for not saying anything when the video was uploaded, calling him out about the fact that he let his boyfriend do things like that with someone else and some even started to over analyse the whole thing claiming that since both of them hadn't been seen together that often anymore they were breaking up or having a fight. While on the other hand some emerged shipping the two in the video starting a small war in the comment section with his fans. It was just too much. Making a decision he turned his phone off.

The incident from the morning was constantly bugging him the whole day. He was feeling so much pressure from his fans. The jealousy, the anger he was supposed to feel it all started to form a small dark ball inside his stomach making him feel tired and nausea. The worse thing was the feeling was building up more and more with every show every meeting and every talk he had the day it was filling up inside him. Every time someone mentioned the video, he would hold it in bite his teeth and give some funny witty remark to skip over the topic. He was backed into a corner. The things that were expected of him colliding with what he wanted to do. The feeling of anger and guilt drowning the feeling of jealousy he was supposed to feel. It was truly a lucky turn of events that the day this happened was the day he didn't meet his other half otherwise he would have gotten angry with him. But the way things were now all his anger for the first time ever was directed at his fans. They were the ones that put this pressure on him made it impossible for him or his partner to upload anything without it being analysed or taken apart.

That evening he was sitting on his couch trying to clear his head with a movie but it didn't work the dark spot in his brain had started to grow planting doubts in his mind. Everything he did was for his fans was to satisfy their wishes. They were the ones that put so much pressure on him. Sometimes he didn't even know the difference between his own feelings and his fans feelings. When they were at an interview and someone brought up the name of his partner he would have to reacted in a certain way or their fans would right away think something was wrong. If the boy was with another guy, he right away had to act like jealousy was burning inside him or else their fans would again start over analysing. Sometimes when he saw the boy with someone else even off camera, he would suddenly have this rage of jealousy as his fans' comments would echo in his head about him being possessive and about the other belonging to him. Until now he never had realized it but now that he did, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He was starting to feel himself doubt every little action he had done in the past every last of his own feeling he had. What was real and what was just pushed onto him by his fans? It was starting to all become blurry and dark with an angry growl he stood up to go to the bathroom and splash his face with water to cool down. Seeing himself in the mirror he started doubting even himself. What was even real and what was just his fans thoughts projected onto him? His mind was filled with dark thoughts for the first time he questioned himself and his fans. He wanted to know what part of his feelings what part of his reactions was his. His feelings towards the other boy what of it was even real and what was just forced habit brought forth by their fans. Feeling himself drown in the darkness he took a deep breath slamming his fist against the mirror.

The pain was sharp enough to break his spiral. Neither his hand nor the mirror were visibly danged but he still felt the tingling of the pain. How could he think like that? What had come over him? His fans were the only reason he was where he is today no matter the hard work no matter his own determinations an artist without fans was useless. But instead of acknowledging that here he was standing doubting his fans being angry at them. Now he was angry at himself for thinking that way. With his thoughts spinning like this he knew that he wouldn't get anything done now so the only thing left to do was play games and go to sleep. Before going to sleep he went on IG once more to upload a picture of himself captioning it: 'Thinking about you'. Nothing else but it was already enough to have his fans go wild again.

Over the next few days, the situation as well as he himself had calmed down again but he couldn't forget what he had thought about and the dark spot in his thoughts was getting bigger by the day. He was careful with everything now. Whenever he was around the other boy, he would think about every of his moves every of his thoughts twice trying to find the line between what was his thoughts and what was implanted by his fans. Even so he treated his fans with even more love in his way making up for his thoughts that night. Since the fan meeting was getting closer and closer he saw the other more and more giving him even less time to think about the doubts and thoughts in his mind but still since they only meet with the stuff and never with fans around he couldn't really compare his thoughts and emotions to those his fans expected thus finally calming down a little. At the same time the speech he was supposed to write was still stressing him out and turning over and over in his head as he started to write it again and again only to delete everything. With the mind set he was in he just couldn't write anything that wasn't dark.

Like this the stress level was rising day after day as the fan meeting was getting closer. By now it was only a week away and he was stressing so much he didn't sleep well and even got gastric ulcer from the stress. All he could hope for now was to find a way out. He was secretly hoping that the product lunching event that they were going to attend as special guests and the small fan meeting, they would hold at the event would help him get some clarity and maybe even help him find something to write his speech about.

He was standing on the small improvised stage listening to the fan questions and the MC talking about something. His concentration was really not good today and for one or two questions he had to turn to his partner to answer them for him even though he was normally the one taking lead. It was just that he didn't know what to do anymore. Suddenly with those dark thoughts deep in his mind everything changed. He was over thinking every reply every question every little movement. Especially with the video still hanging in the air their fans were expecting some kind of reassurance from them. They were supposed to act cute with each other show skinship and flirt to show them they were alright. It was overwhelming suddenly being so aware of every touch every look every word. They were so perfect together because it wasn't just a show, right? They didn't act around each other it was just part of their friendship so now that he was thinking so much it was starting to break apart. He tried his best focused as much as he could wanting to show the fans what they wanted to see but he couldn't not the same way as before. And of course, the fans picked up on it.

Sitting on the couch with his phone scrolling through fan sides to find news about today's event all he could see was fans questioning if something happened between them saying they were acting weird and that something was up. They even started to put the events in order from the first video to the fan meeting and even before that starting to make up theories about what happened and why they were acting different. Most theories were about them having a fight over his partner showing too much interest in that other guy making him the jealous boyfriend that was angry with his lover. All he could do was sigh. If they knew it would hurt then even worse that these theories... He thought to himself throwing the phone to the side to catch his head in his hands. Over and over he went over every last moment of that fan meeting even taking everything about it apart blaming himself for what happened. He was caught in dark thoughts and now of course the ones suffering were their fans feeling the unease he was feeling wondering not knowing what was going on. For them the couple was like a pillar to hold onto something to give them hope and now they saw it falling apart. He was about to hit himself in anger. If only he could get himself together work though this find a solution but no matter how often he went through everything all he could think of were his failures.

His partner always acted sweet and clingy towards him and all he had to do was accept it sometimes show a little act of jealousy and if questions were asked about their relationship answer in an ambiguous but suggestive way. It wasn't difficult he could act. Act... was it acting? He was sure some parts were acting and some were just their personality. But what was what? He started to wonder started to think back to every situation they had been in trying to find out what was acting and what real. Was it all just an act? Around his partner all he could do was act the way he was expected, act in a way that would make their fans happy, act ambiguous to make the company happy it was all just acting. His partner was the same always just acting around him never real never lying it was all one big act. Their relationship was an act. Thinking deeper even their friendships was just an act it was all based on the pretence that they were a couple to make their fans happy everything was an act if it was an act then it was a lie too. Everything a lie... Their relationship their friendship... Everything... His mind was getting swallowed by darkness as the doubts were taking over his mind.

STOP with a loud sound his hand hit the wall. Stop he thought again. He was going down the rabbit hole down the dark slide. With a sigh he sat back down holding the hand he just punched the wall with. What are you thinking... he scolded himself? The boy he was thinking that badly about was his best friend for years now. Never had he lied to him or acted around him. All of his actions were absolutely and truly real and from the heart. He knew as much and still his mind had taken him down that dark path, down the rabbit hole. The doubts were still there and he couldn't get rid of them but now he was working against them trying to pull himself out. But it was impossible. Every time he made a positive argument for their friendship some doubt would appear and tear it down. It was already late at night and he was still sitting there unmoving fighting in his mind until he finally reached some kind of decision. Like this he would get no were. With a determent nod he got out his phone texting the other to meet him tomorrow for lunch. He wasn't surprised to get a prompt reply agreeing without questions asked.

Just sitting there listening to the boy talk happily about everything and nothing watch him behave like he normally did started to tear down the doubts. There was no one around but them and finally he got the answers he was looking for. Not all of them not in one go but he started to get rid of parts of the darkness in his mind one by one just seeing the other not holding back being the friend he always was. Nothing had changed between them; they were still the same the only thing that was different was his mind putting doubts into a perfectly well functioning friendship. With a smile he nods at a question or shook his head talking when necessary and just enjoyed the wholesome and peaceful feeling this moment was giving him. Why had he even started to doubt this? With a smile he finally started to see the outlines of his speech finally started to understand why he had gone down this dark hole and were the light was. After they had lunch, they finished their last preparations for the fan meeting. And with every step they took every moment they spent together every special event they thought of for their fans his doubts started to dissolve. This was what made him happy what made him, him. The two working together as a power couple pulling in the same direction to push each other to the top. There was nothing to question and finally the day before the show his last doubt was gone and his speech was ready.

He was standing in the spot light panting from the previous performance and smiling as he heard their fans cheering for them. The energy in the hall was pushing them both like some special drug filling them with happiness and warmth. Now it was finally time to give his speech. Up to this point he had successfully kept it secret form everyone even the show stuff. Not even the agency had seen it. Normally they had to show every content they wanted to talk about to them for approval first but with a lot of secretively and excuses he had talked his way out of it. He had to sign papers that everything he would say only reflected his own thoughts and that he wouldn't announce anything that would hurt his or the agencies image. After signing those papers, they felt secure enough to let him give the speech without checking it first. His hand was slightly shaking as he grabbed the mic clearing his throat he turned to the boy.

"You remember a few weeks back during one of our lives we lost to our fans and they were allowed to make on request, right? Well this is the speech they requested. They want me to tell you my feelings about you without any ambiguous comments or any hiding. And that's what I will do.

When I first started writing I found myself in a difficult situation since I never once before thought about us or you that much for me it was just something that was there something normal never anything that needed to be described or thought about. But suddenly there I was thinking about it and to be honest at first it took me down a dark path I started worrying, wondering even doubting things but at the end of it all was a light.

And maybe that's the best way to describe this? You are a light to me. Warm healing and calming. Like the sunshine in the early morning falling warm on your skin. But at the same time, you are real you are my best friend my partner. When we meet, I was really unsure and a little confused about you, the way you were so open and touchy with people and the way you would randomly give me kisses on the neck it really made me wonder about what kind of person you are. Then I got to know you better realized how much we have in common and without realizing it we got closer to each other than to anyone else.

You know people say if you find the one you just know because they make you a better person? You made me a better person, you changed me. And look at us now we are the best power couple you can dream of. Always pushing the other to do their best always supporting the other to give it all. We both stand high alone but together we stand even higher. You are my special someone my soulmate the one that makes me a better person... I'm not going to confess my love to you because we both know that's not what we feel. While looking for what to say for this speech I found something that really caught my eye about soulmates. Some people think that soulmates are not your one true love that when you find them you are too similar to fall in love that they are something different someone you can always look for in need someone that completes you and pushes you to be your best you someone that will make you realise that friendship and love are closer to each other then you first thought. They will always bring out the best in you. And for me that's you.

Gun I'm not in love with you this in not a love confession but I love you as my best friend my brother and my soulmate you are the special one in my life the one, I never want to be without and the one I know the best. What we have is special it isn't love but it is more than friendship it means everything to me you are after all my partner. I don't want to put a label on what we have or put it into a box. I just think what you are to me is special in every way.

I love you my special friend."

After finishing the speech his eyes were blurry and he only saw a coloured shadow fly at him before two arms were wrapped around him and he was holding a crying boy in his arms smiling he felt the tears running down his own cheeks. Crying and smiling they hugged under the screams and cheers of their fans, who had held their breath throughout his speech. When the crowd finally calmed down, he could hear the other speak close to his ear.

"I love you too, Papii."