Chapter 15

Before I could get to Ella I get stoped by the psychiatrist I've talked to after Atlantis appeared that first time. I remember that awkward session.

I didn't even get to honestly talk about what was bothering me. I didn't get that much help, but that doesn't matter anymore.

"I wanted to tell you, that I thought again about what you told me a few days ago and I wanted to as you to explain a few things a bit closer so I can understand better", he said a bit awkwardly.

"Erm...why not, Dr. Jasons...", I answer a bit confused and follow the long haired man to his office.

He offers me the seat again where I've already sat that first day.

"Now", he says, taking a seat on a armchair himself,"Tell me. Did you see 'Atlantis' again?"

I scratch the back of my head and look out of the window.

"Actually, yes", I say,"But not only me. Mayor Emmagan and Jack Sheppard have also seen him."

He opens his mouth to say something, but I don't let him.

"I know", I say, raising my right hand,"This might sound like a psychosomatic thing, that they saw it too because I told them, but I didn't. Well...I told Jack, but Ella told ME. And that AFTER I've already seen him."

"That is interesting", he says and gives his glasses a little push upwards, "But I guess I won't have to remind you that there'd been cases in the past where something like that already had happened. In your time three times or even four times."

He is right, I think, maybe Atlantis is only in my imagination like that ancient pilot I imagined when the whales had tried to warn us from the coronal mass ejection that threatened to destroy the city and all the life on the planet.

Rodney is talking without a stop. I try hard to follow him, but the headache is killing me. I try to not show it and it works, even John who eyes me from time to time during the talking doesn't see that I'm in pain.

I realise that my movements become weaker. I try to blink against the dark that threatens to overwhelm me.

When another wave of pain rolls through my head and I raise a hand to it I honestly damned me for giving the painkillers to the other expedition members.

Damn my ego. I always set the wellbeing of the others in fron of mine and now I see what I brought me to.

Rodney started another sentence when the blackness took over and a dizziness humors me to give up the controll over my body.

I collapse to the floor and don't even feel how my head hits it.

That was nothing I like to remember.

I had trouble hearing even weeks  after that incident.

"They went without thanking us", John says.

"No I thank you!", I say a bit louder.

Damn those whales I must have misunderstood him, I think when I see the odd look he gives me.

I do as though I haven't seen it, smile at him and walk towards my office. I secure harbour for me to forget this whole thing.

"Yes, that might be", I say, "Time will tell us."

"Dr. Jasons nods and says:"I remember that you got an other body after your mind left or whatever happened there. You got here and..."

"Yes", I say,"I found Colonel Sheppard jumper in the space when my mind was in subspace. I tried up get into tee shipsysthems so I could get back to Atlantis. I only mistake I made was doing as I promised the other replicators of my 'team' and tell them where Atlantis was. I honestly thought they'd stay harmless, but then they threatened to sink the city and none did trust me after that. Ok, they didn't trust me before that. And I won't have to say how that hurt."

John aimes his gun at me and I look down at it. I take a small step back.

"You might think you're Elizabeth, but you're not!", he says with an icy expression.

If I had my human body my heart would have broken, but I can feel the pain anyways. If I had my human body tears would have welled up in my eyes, but I feel the urge to blink the non existing tears away that burn in my eyes.

If I had my human body he might believe me, but now I stand here, tem metres away from my best friend, aiming a gun at me.

I could run away. If head fire I would regenerate. The only good about this body, but I don't go.

In that moment the other replicator grips John by his throat and presses him against the wall. Something snaps in me and suddenly I stood behind them and rip the replicator's shoulder back to get John out of his grip.

John lands on the floor and looks up at me as I slam my hand in the replicators forehead and disintigate him.

When he falls to dust I step back and look at John. He looks confused. I turn around and run away.

"When he said I wasn't Elizabeth, I honestly doubted that too. I asked myself how I could risk the city like that, my friends...", I shake my head and let it fall to my hands.

"I think that you're the only one to answer that question", the doctor says  excusingly.

"Yes, you're right...", I say, then I remember something,"I found out that John and some of my other friends got lost on a mission and I asked Atlantis what he knew about that. His informations weren't in the database. At least not all of them."

"Ok", Dr. Jasons said and gave his glasses another push,"That's not normal for a virus or a disease. May it be that those are wrong informations?"

"It may be", I say,"But I really doubt that."

Dr. Jasons pushes his glasses up again.

They reflect the light from the window right into my eyes and I have to close them.

"Well... Then I suppose your life hasn't been that easy since you met those replicators, has it?"

I look down to not get blinded.

"You can say that...", I sigh,"In fact I thought, no, hoped it was over when we blocked their address, but I should have known better. When they came back and tried to kill us I realized how wrong I was. And when Rodney reactivated the nanites inside of me I caught myself wishing that he'd let me die after what I had to go through that first time."

"Am I right when I suppose that was when you were in coma?"

"Yes", I say,"When Niam infected me with the nanites I didn't know at first. I went to work as always. That one day I sat in my office and worked and suddenly I was waking up in that psychiatric hospital and they said that the last two years only happened in my imagination. That I've been there the last three days after I collapsed in the negotiations."

I shake my head.

"At first I was hysterical. I didn't take their pills and ignored the therapist, but after a while...when I started seeing and hearing things...I honestly started considering they were right. When my mother came and gave me the watch of my father I lost it. I took the pills and stoped seeing those things."

I see in Dr. Jasons face that he wants to know what I saw. I also know that he'd never stop me when I was talking so fluently. He'd keep that question for later. So I let him.

"I got sent home. They trusted me to keep on taking the pills. But I saw the things again. I followed a shadow and came to a door. Behind it was the rippling surface of an evenhorizon of a stargate. I knew someone was calling me home. In the end they found out I spit out the pills so they took me away. Wanted to use electroshock therapy", I laugh coldly,"I will never forget what that man said. 'I wished I wouldn't have to do that. That will now hurt very much Dr. Weir.' That was the last thing I could take. I ran away and took the elevator. I came out in the stargatecenter. There was general O'Neill. He wanted me to follow me, promised me he won't hurt me, but I didn't believe him and ran away. Suddenly I was surrounded by soldiers. And O'Neill said I'd have no other choice then to come with him. I was about to follow him, when I heard John's voice. I turned around and there he was. He told me nanites took over my body and I had to fight, to run. I did. I ran towards him as he walked towards the gateroom. The soldiers were firing, but I didn't feel the bullets. I activated the gate and infront of it appeared O'Neill again. I said he wasn't O'Neill and he became that doctor. I told him I' d go through the stargate and he changed one last time. He became Niam. He told me that he had been able to make my friend disappear, in his words. I ignored him and just walked...through him. He fell to dust all around me. As soon as I've crossed the eventhorizon I woke up in the infirmary. I got told that I've only laid in coma for five hours. Those five hours habe felt like six months..."

I cradle my head in my hands.

"They told me that John had talked to me the whole time. He gave me strength. I always had the feeling I was hearing his voice, but thought it was just in my head. He'd crossed the quarantine and took my hand when they started loosing me. That was the time when I clearly saw him. Truly heard his voice. The reason he disappeared was when Carson and the others took him out of the quarantine tent. He been able to make jokes after that. I guess I was the only one who couldn't laugh."

Again Dr. Jasons pushes up his glasses.

"I couldn't laugh at that either", he says,"One thing I want to know is-"

"What I saw. Don't look so surprised", I say after he raises his eyebrows at me,"I saw it in your face when you wanted to ask that question, but held back to not stop me. What I saw were mostly shadows. Shadows whith the shape of a human, but one was a face pressing trough a white curtain. In another I saw movement under my blanket, but when I riped it away there was nothing. I really snapped a few times. Yelled at the shadow. That one that lead me to the door had something from John and it was also his voice I heated when they tied me for the electroshocking. He told me to not let them bring me down. So I faught."

"So it was colonel Sheppard who gave you the strength to not give up?"

"Yes. Carson said he'd been there all the time, never leaving. He stayed on his chair keeping a close eye on me. He didn't leave for sleeping as the others did", I smile at how stubborn he could be.

"From what you told me you two were pretty close, weren't You?"

"We've been through a lot together...yes", I say and smile.

"We're pretty close, aren't we?", John asks, reaching out to lightly tough my arm and gives me an asking look.

"We've been trough a lot together, yes", I say keeping my arms crossed.

He smirks and runs off.

I smile after him.

"That has a familiar taste", I say looking past Dr. Jasons, smiling over the memory.

Dr. Jasons nods.

"One last question...it's a little more private so you don't have to answer...were you two...?"

"Oh god no! Even if we'd wanted. Our positions wouldn't have allowed that. And he practically ran after every hot alien woman he saw. That's at least what Rodney said."

"I see...", Dr. Jasons says,"Do you feel better now?"

"Yes", I say,"As if I've lost a burden. I suppose you already know that I've never talked to anyone about That?"

He nods.

"Thought that...", I mutter.

"I guess you need some rest now. You have to think about what happened and close it off."

"I think I'll do that. Goodbye Dr. Jasons", I say, standing up.

"Goodbye."