Getting ready

Miya and I were browsing through the stalls and shelves in the DIY home center on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I have written and given my will to Miya, signed and stamped with my fingerprint. Miya decided it was about time we started to think about the actual physical method for my suicide. I did think about these things before and shared my thoughts with Miya.

Ideally, I wished I could get hold of a gun and shoot myself in the head. Although I've never even seen a real gun, that always seemed to be the quickest and coolest way to die. There is probably no pain involved in it either as you'd die instantly. However, that was an impossible dream considering there was no way I could get hold of a gun in this country at my age, and it's not like anybody kept guns in their houses that I could steal as is the case in certain other foreign countries.

During chemistry class, I also learned that carbon monoxide would slowly kill you and it is odorless and invisible. I thought I could probably just lay down and die as if I were falling asleep, and 'carbon monoxide suicide' rhymed in a quirky way that I liked. On the other hand, it wasn't like I could produce CO out of thin air. I would need to burn something, and that won't just make pure carbon monoxide. There will be lots of other gases produced that would be very unpleasant to inhale indeed.

There were also other options, slitting my wrists in the bath – I liked the idea of slowly dying as blood drained out of my body, but I knew I would be too chicken to cut my wrists properly with a knife to make this work. It's not like you can just have a quick stab with a knife on the wrist to get this done. Miya also chimed in to tell me that slitting your wrist to kill yourself is no easy task. You will have to be decisive and swift in your cut and will need to keep yourself calm and not freak out as the bathtub starts to turn red with blood.

Jumping into a river and drowning was also an option and I would be certain to die as I couldn't swim at all – not even just float. But as everyone who can't swim will know, falling into the water as a non-swimmer is a horrendously scary situation guaranteed to trigger a panic attack. I didn't want my last moment to be the worst experience of my life.

I explained to Miya that the reason why I chose jumping off a bridge option before was that if it was high enough and if I made sure that I landed on my head first, the death should be almost instant. And although it might be scary to fall during the very short time it would take before I hit the ground, the laws of physics mean that this time will be insignificantly short, probably the second quickest method to kill yourself after shooting yourself in the head.

Miya agreed that for my situation, probably jumping off somewhere high (higher than that stupid bridge) could be a good option. As long as I jump swiftly there really isn't much time to regret, waste, or chance of fucking up. However, Rika was also a considerate person in her own way and didn't want some poor sod (like herself) to be scraping my splattered meats off the concrete. Also, she thought there was something about that bridge – we've now decided to call this bridge a suicide bridge – seems to be a rather meaningful place for me to kill myself now. That's where I tried my first time, that's where I met Miya, that's where we fell together before, etc.

So the idea Miya came up with was to hang myself from that suicide bridge. If I actually jumped off the bridge with the noose around my neck and the other end of the rope tied properly on the bridge, the resulting force could probably snap my neck in an instant. Even if my neck does not instantly snap, based on Miya's experience she believed that it won't take that long for me to die, so the painful last-minute struggle will be minimal. So this was like an improved version of Miya's previously failed hanging attempt – instead of kicking off a chair, jump down with full force from a bridge with a very tight noose.

After spending some time looking around the DIY home center, Miya found some rope that she thought would be suitable. Although this was what I had planned, wanted, and agreed with Miya from the start, the sensation of holding the very tool in my hand that would end my life was rather disturbing. That is until Miya tied it around her neck, pretended to pull it, and made an impossibly funny face for which I couldn't help but laugh.

I guess this will be okay. Thank you Miya for coming along all this way with me and helping me relax through the final moments. My life, and death, will follow your lead from here.