Fifty Three : Separated

Kim Sora POV,

5 July 2020,

"Ok, sit down", said my mother, pulling up a chair

"Ye ...", I replied sitting in front of the mirror in my room

I just finished showering and getting dressed, my mother helped me, of course. My wrist still hasn't healed so it's a little difficult to shower and dress myself.

"Aigooo, look at my daughter, she is so beautiful", said my mother while touching my wet hair

"Oemma ...", I smiled shyly

"Jinjja ...", she replied, taking the hairdryer

"Oemma, gumawo", I said again smiling at her looking through the mirror

"Yeee ... by the way, Oemma will go to the supermarket to shop later, do you want to come with me?", Asked my mother as she started drying my hair

"Mmm ... ani. I want to read a book at home", I replied

"Reading? You're not going to Minerva today?", Asked my mother

"Ani. I've asked Yunsu and Hansol oppa's help to take care of Minerva, it's a bit difficult for me if I have to go there every day, I ... I feel I'm still not ready", I replied a little gloomily

"Be patient ... it will definitely take some time for you to get used to it again. Fighting!", Said my mother smiling as she raised her fist encouraging me

"Fighting!", I replied, raising one of my fists

My mom finished drying my hair and started combing it.

"Aigoooo .... so beautiful", said my mother again

"Oemma, please stop it", I replied shyly

"Hahaha ... aigoo you are getting cuter when you're cranky", my mother teased

"Oemma, Saranghae", I said, hugging her waist

"I loves you too. Do your ribs still hurt?", My mother asked, kissing my head

"Ani, it's much better. Don't worry", I said smiling at her

"Thank goodness ... you know, oemma almost fainted when I saw you lying out of breath at that time", said my mother sighing slowly

"Mianhae has made Oemma and Appa worried", I replied

"Oemma knows for sure it is difficult for you. I'm sorry ..", she said again while hugging me tighter

"Gwaenchana, appa and oemma only wanted what's best for me. And me and Namjoon will also do what's best for us", I replied softly

I looked at the mirror in front of me, stunned at the reflection of my face. To be honest, I don't know what's best for me and Namjoon, because he hasn't contacted me until now. He also didn't come to visit me when I was hospitalized again after an argument with my father at that time. He seemed to disappear, I didn't know where he was.

* dingdong

"Wait a minute", said my mother, releasing her arms and walking toward the entrance

I took a comb and started combing my hair slowly. I really miss Namjoon right now, I still don't know the reason why Namjoon ignored me.

"Come in, Sora is inside", my mother's voice heard from a distance

"Kamsahamnida", answered a male voice

I frowned while thinking who just came.

"You came here, finally ", said my mother again, there's a cold tone in her voice

"I'm sorry, I know Oemonim must be angry with me", replied the man

Is that Namjoon ?, I straightened myself trying to hear more clearly

"To be honest I'm very disappointed in you, do you know how much Sora misses you?", Asked my mother again

"Ye, please forgive me", he replied

Yes! It's Namjoon! I got up and walked slowly towards the door of my room.

"Ani, you should apologize to my daughter, not me", my mother replied

I opened my bedroom door slowly and fell silent to see Namjoon standing in front of my mother. He lowered his face while cupping his hands in front of his stomach, just like a school child who is being scolded by his teacher.

"Oemma ...", I called while walking out of the bedroom

They were surprised and immediately turned their faces towards me.

"Sora~aah ... Namjoon ssi came to see you. I think there are some things you should talk about. Oemma will go shopping then", said my mother looking at the two of us who were still stunned in our standing places

Why does my heart hurt? Shouldn't I be happy to see him again ?, I thought.

"Ye oemmonim", replied Namjoon, bowing to my mother who slowly walked out of the apartment

"Jagiya~ ... mianhae ...", said Namjoon, walking slowly toward me

Why does he look tired? His clothes were crumpled, his brown hair looked messy and had grown longer than the last time we met. And his eyes, those almond eyes that always glowed when they looked at me, they now looked dim as if they had lost their spark.

I held my breath when Namjoon was only a few steps away from me. Is he having a hard time? Am I the reason he became like this ?. I bit my lower lip, holding back the tears that would spill any moment.

"Jagiya~ ...", he said again

I couldn't hold it anymore, I ran over to him and hugged him tightly as if I didn't want to lose him again.

"Bogo sippo (I miss you)... bogo sippoyo ....", I said over and over between my tears, as if those words were a mantra I had to say over and over so that he would never go away again.

"Nado, nado, bogo sipda ... mianhae jagi, mian ...", Namjoon replied in a choked voice as he kept holding me.

I looked at his pale face and caressed him, making sure that he was really in front of me.

"I'm sorry, you've suffered a lot because of me", said Namjoon sobbing, holding my hand on his cheek

"Saranghae", I said softly, shaking my head

Namjoon cupped my face with his hands, then brushed his lips with mine. God, I never thought that a kiss could have such an effect on me. His lips were like sipping all the bad things that have happened to me during this one month. His kiss gives me hope for my current state.

Namjoon deepens his kiss, holding me tighter. My one hand is tightly wrapped around his neck, while my other hand is squeezed between our bodies. I sobbed when we let go of our kiss.

"Why are you ignoring me? Why not contact me?", I said to him

"I'm sorry, I'm ... I'm very busy. I have a lot to do", said Namjoon, bowing his face

"Jinjja? So busy that there's no time to send me a message? No time to just call me for a few minutes ??", I asked incredulously

"Ye ... sorry. I'm very sorry", he replied slowly

"Did something happen Jagiya? Are you avoiding me because of what my father said to you ??", I asked again

"your father said? .." Asked Namjoon looking at me

"Ye. My father has told me about your conversation. I said that our relationship will not end just because of that, we will definitely be able to get through it. Right, jagi?", I said again

Namjoon looked at me closely, without answering my question.

"Wae? Why are you looking at me like that?", I asked, confused

"I'm sorry jagiya, but your father's words are right. I've been thinking about this for a long time, I've also discussed with the company and the members about this. And I think we should just end this relationship ....", said Namjoon with a stiff face

"WHAT ?! You ... we ... no! I don't want to end it anyway! I don't want to", I replied angrily as I took a few steps backward

"But jagi ...", said Namjoon again walking a few steps closer to me

"No! How can you say this after what happened to us ?! You don't even discuss this with me! How can you make a decision without involving me ??? This is about the relationship between you and me!", I shouted angrily

"I understand, I'm sorry, you know this isn't just about the two of us ... the incident with Aeri is also related to my company and work. I can't possibly ignore them", replied Namjoon in a high voice

"There must be another way, there must be ... we always find a way ... we have sacrificed a lot so far ...", I started sobbing again.

"Nothing, there's no other way out! I've been thinking about this for weeks, trying to find another way, but there's no one! There's no one !! We have sacrificed a lot and how many more sacrifices must we make to make this relationship work? I don't want you to get hurt again!", Namjoon replied with teary eyes and flushed face

"But I'm fine, I'm fine right now, look! I'm fine! I'll be a strong woman for you and face everything ...", I replied while wiping the tears from my cheeks

"What? Do you think I'll let you get hurt again because of this? I don't want something like that to happen to you again! To us! I just want to be happy with you, live a life like any other normal couple. But for now it's very difficult to us to do it! I didn't expect it to be this difficult Sora~aah, don't you understand!?... ", replied Namjoon exasperatedly

He sat down on the living room sofa, covering his face between his hands. His body was shaking, a sound of crying was heard softly from his mouth. I walked over to him and knelt before him.

"Jagiya ...", I gently touched his hands

"I don't want to end our relationship too, jagi. I love you, I love you so much. But you have to understand, this is the only way ... I discussed this with the company and my friends for weeks, trying to find another way, but there isn't. I really feel depressed at this time ... ", he said sobbing in front of me

My heart hurts seeing Namjoon like this. I sat beside him and pulled his body into my arms.

"There were some people who recognized me when the incident happened and they started spreading the news about my involvement in this case. Bighit was very upset and asked me to stay away from you ... they were worried that this would be bad for us. At first I didn't care anymore, I thought so be it if this should happen, let it be so if this has to be known to the public, I ... I will take the responsibility .... ", he said between sobs

"But ... but I can't possibly do that, what about my friends? We have promised each other that we will always be together and make music forever. They are not involved in this. I can't possibly let them fall with me ..", said Namjoon after blowing his nose

"And you ... I was devastated when I saw you hurt in front of me. Seeing you lying helpless makes me want to change places with you ... I can't let the woman I love suffer like this, even you have to experience losing our baby, This is so bad ... I feel so helpless", he continued hoarsely

"Jagiya ~ ...", I muttered while rubbing his head

I hated myself for being so selfish saying that I was strong and could get through it all. What I felt was nothing compared to what Namjoon had to face. He was much more hurt than I was.

He was under a lot of pressure from his surroundings over this problem. From the company, the members, from me, from his family, from my family and even from the public. How could I not have realized this?

Yes, my life is different from his life. My world is only limited to family, friends and Minerva ... whereas Namjoon, his world is the real world ... the whole world will scold him if he makes a mistake.

Can I let him go? Will I be strong if I have to let him go away from me?

"Mianhae jagiya~, I'm so stupid that I didn't know that you are suffering a lot because of this, sorry for causing a lot of trouble for you. I know for sure this will not be easy for us but ... but I will try to get through it...", I said, looking his eyes

"Jagiya~ ...." muttered Namjoon as he looked at me

"Go jagiya~ ... pursue your dreams ... music is your life. I will not forgive myself if you have to live without music .... I'll be fine, I'm a strong woman, you know that right?", I said smiling while trying to hold back my tears

"Jagi ... you ..?", He said haltingly

"Ye, I think this relationship should end ... our relationship has made other people hurt and uncomfortable ... maybe we should never have ...", before I finished my sentence, Namjoon looked hurt and cut my words

"Kim Sora~aah! I never regretted meeting and getting to know you, you should know that! You are the best woman I've ever met and this relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever had... I will never regret it .... even though time turn again, I'll still come to see you like before ", he said in a trembling voice and teary eyes

"Gomawo ....", I felt a tear fall down my cheek

Namjoon put his big warm hand on one of my cheeks and wiped my tears with his thumb. I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

"Live your life happily Jagiya~ ... achieve your dreams ... I promise to give you a safe and warm world for you, do you remember? I will make it happen one day, believe me ...", said Namjoon in a choked voice

I nodded my head slowly.

"What if I miss you jagi?", I asked choked up

"Close your eyes and count to ten, then you will see me smiling at you ...", said Namjoon with wet eyes and a smile showing his two dimples

"Jinjja?", I asked

"Ye, try it...", he continued

I closed my eyes and started counting.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ....

I felt Namjoon's body approaching me

6, 7, 8 ...

I felt his warm breath on my cheeks

9, 10 ...

I opened my eyes and felt Namjoon's lips gently brushed mine. MVery light and soft. It felt different from his previous kisses which were passionate and sensual.

I closed my eyes again, feeling that this was a farewell kiss from him. When his lips parted mine, he whispered softly.

"Be happy, Kim Sora ssi, don't ever look for me. When the time comes, I'll be the one who will come to you .... Saranghae ", he whispered, smiling at me

"Hajima (no/don't)... jagiya~ ...", I whispered amid my sobs

Namjoon stood up slowly, he released my hand and walked away leaving me glued to the sofa.

"Jagiya~ .... hajima !! Just a moment, please ...", I said weakly and didn't dare turn my face to see him go

My body jolted when I heard the sound of the door closing. Is he gone? Has it really ended? I turned my face slowly towards the entrance.

I grabbed my hair when I realized I was alone now. I put my face between my legs and burst into tears.

Is this how it ends? It hurts more than any wound I have ever had ...

"Sora~aah ... Sora ...", my mother called me from the entrance

"Oemma ...", I sobbed to my mother

"Wae? I saw Namjoon get into his car in a hurry and he seemed like he's crying. Did something happen?", Asked my mother approaching me

"Oemma ...", I called to hold back my tears

"Oh my God ... are you separated? Really? Aigooo my poor daughter", said my mother hugging me tightly

I forgot how long I cried in my mother's arms, two hours? Four hours? I don't know ... I just kept crying, trying to get rid of the pain in my chest. Until finally I fell asleep sleeping on my mother's lap with a face swollen and red ....

——————————————————————————

One week later,

"Are you ready, dear?", My mother's voice asked from the kitchen

"Ye ...", I replied

I looked around my room and pulled my suitcase out

"Appa just called, he is on holiday today. He plans to pick us up at the airport later", said my mother smiling at me

"Ye Oemma", I replied smiling at her

I sat on the sofa in the living room, looking at the pot of camellias given by Namjoon on the table. There are 5 red flowers that are blooming, they are very beautiful.

"Sora~aah, are you sure you will go?", Asked my mother sitting next to me

"Ye, oemma .. I need time to be alone at this time", I replied without taking my eyes off the flowers in front of me

"Arasso ...", said my mother kissing my head and walked back to the kitchen

* dingdong

"That must be Sunmi", said my mother walking to the entrance to open the door for my best friend

"Annyeong oemonim ... are you ready?", She asked cheerfully when she entered my apartment

"Ne ... Sunmi~aah, thank you for taking us to the airport", my mother said to Sunmi

"Gwaenchana oemonim, I'm happy to do it. Kim Sora ssi, I'll miss you", said Sunmi walking towards me

"Jinjja?", I teased her

"Yeee ... be excited Sora~aah, you can definitely get through this", said Sunmi hugging me

"Ye, gomawo", I replied hugging her tightly

"Kajja", asked Sunmi after releasing her arms

I dragged my suitcase while clutching a pot of camellias and walked out of my apartment. Today I'm going to Gwangju with my mom. I plan on going around Gwangju for a while to calm myself down. During the past week, I have felt a deep heartbreak. I couldn't do anything, just cry and shut myself in the room.

Until two days ago I realized that I can't be like this all the time. At that time I felt myself slapped when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked very messy, like a zombie who had no desire to continue living. And then I played a playlist of songs on my mobile spotify. When I heard the first words of the song, I suddenly flinched and consciousness took over me.

"Jinaga ..... (it passes)

Eonjenga ..... (eventually)

Bunmyeonghi ..... (Clearly)

Hwagsilhi ..... (Certainly) "*

Namjoon's voice seemed to hug me and say that everything will be fine and will soon pass.

This is not what Namjoon wants from me, he asked me to continue my life happily. Doing things that make me happy isn't shutting myself up like this. He would be sad and disappointed when he saw my condition.

The next day I determined that I would never cry over our separation again. What we have been through is a beautiful memory, although it is not always sweet for us to feel. I'm sure this will make me more mature and able to see the world in a different way.

"Have you used your seatbelt?", Asked Sunmi watching me from the front seat

"Ye", I replied

Sunmi will drive us to the airport this afternoon. My mother sat in the front seat with Sunmi while I sat in the passenger seat. During the trip, Sunmi and my mother talked about various things.

I chose to be alone while listening to music from earphones. When Namjoon's song was playing, I closed my eyes, imagining that Namjoon was talking to me through this song.

"It will pass ...

Eventually...

Clearly ...

Certainly ...

It passes(everything everything everything goes)

It passes(everything everything everything goes)

It passes(everything everything everything goes)

Like morning comes after night

If summer comes after spring

Like berries bloom when flowers die

Everything has to hurt

I hold on to the world and take a deep breath

The hot air that fills my lungs

tell me everything, the long, painful, dull

Times I wanted to run away are right there

Every day I pray,

So that I can become a slightly better adult

And every day I stay,

Because people and pain all die eventually

To be dulled you have to face the wind

You can't always stay inside a dream

Instead of the cloudy words "be strong"

Instead of the lie that "everyone is like that"

Pray that this wind will pass

Like all winds do

It passes ... " *

I took a deep breath and smiled, muttering the same word "Jinaga" (will pass). All the pain I'm experiencing right now will surely pass like the wind ...

And when all is over I will definitely be able to stand tall and walk steadily to reach my dreams and live my life happily ...

————————————————————————

Credit song in this chapter:

Everything goes by RM (with NELL)

Stay safe and stay gold, borahae

💜💜💜