Chapter 2: Trying

Day 3

So today has been rough. My father woke me up on his way to work to talk about the car dealership in Montgomery that he will go to on Saturday to find a vehicle for me. That would be good even though the payments will be high but it being in my father's name means my husband doesn't have any right to it in the divorce it that is what happens!

I have thought about my husband so many times today. Shockingly he hasn't text me today and our son still hasn't asked about him; except the once or twice my oldest came through the door. I know my husband is having sexual relations with other people while he is moving on; but the thought makes me nauseated and angry. I understand that I meant nothing to at all to him but it still kills my heart.

No part of me wants any man's hands on me. Not unless it is my husband. The thought to ever have sex with anyone else disgusts me. I have been playing with my own vagina, because my hormones are all over the place. But the two orgasms made me feel a bit better but still sad. I'm about to start finding the paperwork to get divorced so I can file that soon! I really thought things would be different. My husband stayed with his daughters mom, the entire pregnancy and first year of their daughter's life yet left me after 2 months of pregnancy, eight months of marriage and eleven months together! Guess I have a lot of work to do on myself to feel less abandoned, unlovable by any man and to not have pure disdain for myself.

I keep debating taking my wedding ring off but some part of me is not ready for that yet. Having a restraining order on my husband may be why he stopped calling and texting, but to my knowledge he has not been served it yet! Maybe he finally got served papers today or yesterday, but I doubt it since the two states don't work well together!

Is it sad that I hope that he is finding his own level of happiness or dealing with his demons? It isn't that I don't want him to be miserable I just don't want him disrespecting our marriage in our vows and the ways in which I believe he is. It hurts my heart to know that he has such little respect for our marriage to not even have it fully over and he's already moving on. So many times I used to laugh when I would see people upset that their ex moved on before them and I guess now I finally understand that level of hurt because before I never cared if I made you and asked there was a reason. So if somebody else decided to pick up all that damage then that was on their own accord and I used to have a little sympathy for them but also didn't care if they moved on first.

I really am trying to heal myself in whatever ways I need to or see fit. It's going to be a struggle and a long road but I am determined to become my best version yet. The levels of strength inside of me are extensive and I have had to overcome harder obstacles than this. I honestly some days feel like God had been preparing me for this day for a very long time. But now that it's here I'm still not ready to do what I need to do or what I'm forced to do!

I don't want to make things worse or harder for my husband but I don't want to be deceived or lied to about his extramarital affairs. Some part of me feels like the honest you would be the best path at this point just so that we both know where each other stands and there is no deception in the proceedings. But I'm not going to lie if he shows up with one of his little girlfriends the likelihood I'm going to have somebody waiting and we're willing to beat her ass could possibly be a thing... I know I wasn't doing it necessarily out of spite but maybe more out of revenge and anger!

All the pain in the heart has caused me I feel as if I would love to release that on somebody but that's probably not safe for society or anybody that comes in close contact or proximity of me. I guess I can't be mad at anybody that he messes with because they have no obligation to me. He was the one that should have stayed faithful until the day that our marriage was over. Not over just in the sense that we walked away from each other but over in the sense that a divorce is finalized.

Baby that's just where are differences lie because I could never see doing that to someone. I have more dedication and believe in my vows and that I should live up to them until the day that our souls are parted or that a divorce is declared. Entertaining someone else at this point just seems like a slap in the face to him or like I would be stabbing him in the back and that is not my objection at all. Intentionally causing somebody else harm or hurt emotions was never my aim and it will never be my aim.

This may have gone badly and this may end in divorce but at the end of the day I have to stay true to myself.