Chapter 16: The Before Email

Hubby,

Let's be honest and real. You won't ever agree to go to couples therapy or counseling. You won't open up to me without me forcing you to. The only time you 100% shut me out is when you cheated or relapsed. And we are so broken for so many reasons. I don't feel like I can truly talk to you without you becoming aggressive, hostile, disassociated, or defensive. So maybe having this to read over and over again will help you stop and see things from my perspective.

We have been together almost exactly 11 months and married for 8 of those months. But I am not sure at this point in time that we should have made it past the first month which may be why our world has been crumbling since. My love for you is still there and I know that because the thought of removing my wedding ring makes me cry my eyes out or/and want to vomit.

I guess I'm going to start from the beginning and stop holding back; so when you cheated on me with Milani. I chased after you and I stopped you from leaving me. I have been trying so hard to forgive you. I was doing good for a while because the comments and throwing her name in every fight slowly became less with every month. You have to see that I did try. I don't think I should have and I feel as if that is where we went wrong. You couldn't forgive yourself either and still haven't. That broke us and we have never been able to be fixed since not to mention that trust level that was lost that day.

Since then you have managed to make me feel as if I'm crazy for the things that you do. Your behaviors and the treatment that you direct towards me. I don't feel that you have bothered to ever stop and take responsibility. I truly feel like I was a means to an end and that you were NEVER actually inlove with me. You only admit the truth when I refuse to back down. After that day, my biggest fear is that you would decide you want to be with a man instead of me since you cheated on me with one! The things that hurt me, that scarred me, damaged me and made me so full of anger and hatred that I have lost so many feelings and emotions towards you are NOT my fault.

How you make me feel is not my fault! You have got to stop blaming me every time that I point out something that you did or said that was hurtful to me. That is a time in which I need you to be understanding, responsive and honest. You're empty apologies are seriously 10 times more hurtful than you just disregarding my emotions all together. Apologizing knowing that you have no intentions on changing the behavior is what is considered an empty apology and toxic! When people talk about manipulation that is what they mean.

I have stated this to you many a times and it seems like your brain just cannot understand it or wrap your head around it so I will try one more time. Men cheat for the physical sexual needs that are fulfilled. Women cheat because their emotionally and mentally not being given what they need at home. Those are two very very different reasons. So to say in the least that a guy will cheat because he's just horny whereas a woman will cheat because she is emotionally, mentally and socially neglected or abandoned and alone which is totally different reasons. And yet I have felt alone and abandoned by you for so long and I have never once given you any signal or possibility at me straying to anybody else. Yet you imagine sex with men and watch porn, and don't even seem interested in me at all!

Yet you do the things that I consider disrespectful to me as a woman, as your wife, as the mother of your child and you have no regard for that. I feel like watching porn is very disrespectful to me and I have asked you many times not to do it. Yet for the last six to eight months I feel as if you stopped wanting to stare at me in the face and make eye contact as you had sex with me; and now you hold your eyes closed so tightly like you're imagining having sex with someone else to fulfill your needs. Which makes me feel like shit, unloved, unwanted and extremely insecure!

Sex used to be us having fun and enjoying each other's bodies. Lately it's like a fucking job and that I am required. You have told me yourself that's literally what I'm for. And that if your dick's hard and you're horny it's my job to spread my fucking legs because I'm your wife; which is so disrespectful on so many levels. I understand you view me as a piece of your property but I am still a fucking person with my own choices, my own thoughts, my own feelings and beliefs! The fact that you feel as if you are entitled to access to my body is just rude. But I am not sure it is my body you want!

I keep trying to think back and remember some of the things you used to say about your exes especially like your daughters mother and some of the ones that emotionally and mentally scarred and damaged you. And it's crazy because I finally got a reality check that I hadn't even thought about or registered in my brain on how bad our relationship had truly gotten.

My love, do you realize that you have given almost all of your ex's more time and energy? Even if they did nothing for you, even the ones that just kept you high or cheated on you hundreds of times and we're sleeping with guys for drugs or the ones that just were mean and emotionally abusive towards you! Shit, even your daughters mother! You gave her over a year and a half of your life... You stayed with her the entire pregnancy with your daughter and even months to almost a year after she was born you were still right there beside her! You haven't even given our relationship or marriage a year!!!

Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurts my heart and my soul to know that all of these women that did nothing for you and have not tried to fix any of your damage or broken parts; were worth more energy and effort on your behalf than I ever have been. To know that your daughters mother matters more to you than I ever have kills my heart. It is like being your wife makes me the least important person in your life! I have been honest with you. I knew you were not straight from the moment you cheated on me. I knew you lied when you said you don't enjoy dildos and things in your ass. No straight man can be on his knees playing video games while his girlfriend plays in his ass. I am not sure if you prefer fucking a man instead of me. I feel like I stopped being enough for you sexually months ago!

Please tell me that you have noticed that you were more emotionally damaged and broken about your friend dying and committing suicide (a choice) then you are about losing our marriage and losing your wife. Shit, you were more destroyed about your friend's committing suicide than you were about losing our baby (not a choice). You were willing to check on your friend's ex-girlfriend and loved ones while ignoring your wife's pain! It has bothered you more the idea of us moving to Georgia and being away from your mom then it has bothered you that you haven't even bothered to see our son or talk to him; like are you serious??? You have cared more about being a good employee to your boss then you have about our relationship, marriage or being there for our son!

I hadn't realized over the time how much you had actually manipulated me and I hadn't even realized it. You wanted to make sure that I was mentally emotionally and socially 100% dependent on you; but you did not even bother to fulfill those needs! You just wanted to make sure that nobody else was a part of my life on a day to day that I had conversations with. So you wanted or recommended me getting Latonia out of my life, my mom and her husband(claiming that you were supporting me)! You don't like my best friend because you said she's too much trouble and that she could get me into trouble. You thought about and imagined breastfeeding off of my other friend (so obviously I don't want you around her anymore)! So basically who's supposed to be a part of my life and for justified reasons you didn't want me around my brother. The only person you never had a problem with is my father.

I understand when you entered this relationship you had no friends out here that were sober and you're not really a social person. I had several friends and I regularly used to leave the house for coffee dates, for lunch dates, playdates for our son and all kinds of things; but I stopped doing all of that because you didn't seem supportive of me spending time with anybody else besides you. That is toxic behavior and that is unhealthy for both of us because without me having those conversations and relationships; that's what kept me level-headed, not needing to vent, and/or always talk to you about anything and everything. I am a homebody and I spend majority of my time with my boys before I even met you but I also did have some resemblance of a social life. I NEVER have given you a reason to not trust me!

You get upset being around my middle son but he is more comfortable in his sexuality then you. I knew you were bisexual when I got with you. And that doesn't just disappear because you want it to. I told you when you are ready we could discuss options and build a comfort level for you. It doesn't make you any less of a man because of the things that turn you on. And I don't have a problem with it unless you justify cheating on me! I am willing to help you come to terms with all of that. It took me years to be more open about me being bisexual. I raised the boys to be themselves and know they are loved and supported regardless! You unfortunately did not have the same experience as them so you working around men that are homophobic is not beneficial to your situation! There are things sexually we can still explore in the privacy of our bedroom to fulfill each other without bringing strangers into our relationship! I am not sure I would ever be okay sharing you with anyone (man, woman or tranny) and I hope you feel the same! More so I am scared that you will cheat with someone that has HIV or AIDS or an STD and bring that home to me and have sex with me passing me something I can't get rid of. I fear you leaving me for a man or having to share you with a man for you to be happy! And I would be selfish to ask you to not be with anyone else when you have the desire and urges to have sexual relations with men! I play back our relationship and those times I seen marks on your back and things make me believe you have been with a man since we got together!

I'm not sure that you've ever paid attention to the timeline of our relationship so let me play it back for you real quick. We met in January after my oldest son's 18th birthday and began dating two days later. Then you basically left the place that you were staying and moved in with us by the first week of February after cheating on me with the transgender woman and us wanting to work through it. By the end of February we were pregnant and pregnant all throughout March and April. You asked me to marry you at the beginning of March after tattooing my name on your body in February. We got married in April and in May found out that the pregnancy wasn't viable around my birthday and mother's Day. We then had to do the D&C followed by my oldest son's graduation and meeting all my family. You're working throughout March, April and some of May through which I had to drive you to and from work at 7:00 in the morning and pick you up at 4:30 every afternoon Monday through Friday for months. In June was my middle son's 17th birthday and which we were both still truly struggling with the loss of our daughter and you had quit working temporarily; but dashed with me. And you staring at other woman made me even more insecure during a tough time! My body has just failed me and it was like a slap in the face that you had eyes for other woman because I was no longer good enough. My middle son worked and helped to buy that truck from your dad in July and as soon as we got it in July you left me. I came and got you from your parents house after you relapsed and I pulled a needle out of your arm, after being disrespected by your father, and had to put you under water to keep you from overdosing. All this time from May, June, July, August, and September I was still struggling with the loss of our daughter while still trying to be everything that you needed and the boys needed me to be. October came and I realized that I'm probably pregnant. And that pregnancy triggered even more emotions inside of me on top of my hormonal imbalance inside my body. I know you think that I have been at my worst for a long time but I never actually got time to heal. I took on trying to force myself to dash more yet I was struggling to function. Then hit the Pumpkin Pad for a family outing (when I hadn't felt like a part of your family from July to October) and then Halloween. We celebrated our son's birthday (in which I still was nice and invited your parents when you obviously don't consider him our son) and then yours! Then the car got repossessed a week after me taking this new job to try and relieve stress from you so we could move with little debt. Your committed suicide and then you were gone again.

You promised me back in July when you came back from leaving you would never put me through that ever again. And you left me twice that month (once when you said you were getting air and didn't come back so I filed a missing persons while you relapsed. And once when you went to your parents and I pulled the needle out of your arm). Yet I still stayed beside you as difficult as that was. You said that you would never walk away ever again and that you loved me with everything in you. You even created a list in your journal of all the things that you love about me but it feels like all of it was lies. You telling me that you would never leave me again was also another lie. You saying that I could talk to you about anything and everything was also a lie. At every time that I try to have a serious conversation with you; you have either had to go poop, you had to go smoke a cigarette, you needed to go fix you something to eat, you needed to take a shower, or you have had a long day and you're too tired to have this conversation. So I bottled it all up, suffered in silence and stopped trusting you! Which quickly made sex follow after since if I don't trust you at all, feel safe or secure, feel wanted or loved; then I lose all sexual desires because I require an emotional bond to have a sexual one!

I have been spiraling mentally and emotionally for 5 months and you didn't even notice! Or maybe you did notice and just did not care enough to help or tell me to get help! You may have paid bills by making money; but when I said it felt like you were doing the bare minimum that is what all I was referring to! Keep in mind, all of this doesn't include the fights, the lieing and the other parts that are toxic to a marriage.

Anytime that I stated that I my needs were not met you took that as offensive or me attacking you and started defending yourself like I was blaming you. When what you should have been doing was trying to help me figure out how to fix it or how to fulfill my needs so that I'm not left so empty or neglected all the time. There were several weeks, days and months that I told you I literally did not feel like myself! I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin! I even wanted to go into a mental hospital for help. I wasn't only just insecure but I was just struggling and you had no regard for it! Only once did you ever ask "well what can we do to help you feel more like yourself?" and then never again did you bother to even check in and see if that helped or if things were better or anything.

I do often wish that we were in a better spot financially so that you could have kept your gym membership and kept tanning. But at the same time our level of trust was limited at best and our finances would definitely not in the right spot to be able to tackle that. And maybe if you would have been willing and able to open up to me and have those tough conversations we would have been able to rebuild the trust to where I didn't fear you going to the gym. At the same time you've also got to remember one of the first times you told me you were going to the gym you relapsed and had a sexual relationship with the transgender woman cheating on me so of course that's going to be a trigger for me for a while. I was way more comfortable with you going to the gym with one of the boys with you; which I know is odd and uncomfortable but it put my mind at ease! That you would not only make good choices but that there was someone right there that would look at you if you're flirting and staring at other girls and be like how disrespectful to your wife and my mother.

When things are good between us they're really good. I mean we used to laugh so much at the silly little stuff and be able to have long conversations about the shows or movies that we were watching. We also used to get dressed up and go on date nights and spend just alone time for even if it was just an hour me and you in the middle of dashing. We used to read to each other our devotional and communicate and have conversations about the topic points. We also both used to enjoy sex not as a weapon, chore, or to drown out the world but because we are so sexually attracted to each other that we couldn't resist. So yeah I spiraled but you also didn't do anything to stop it, to help or save me!!! I don't think we are toxic. I think we are just broken. And healing, growing and fixing our damage together is detrimental whether we stay married or just co-parent. But I can't force you to want to fix this with me. You have avoided all my suggestions for weeks and months to get us back on track! If we do this separately from each other we will both end up in very different places and that trust will still be broken.

Even the choices you are making now are weighing heavily. Not financially supporting me at all when you knew I had no income, no car and am physically struggling just made me trust you less. You accomplished showing me that I am not shit to you and outside of our child I don't matter. But think about this logically. If I have no support here then I move to Alabama and Georgia with the boys and your family will struggle to see our baby after they are born (if they are born)! If I can't trust or rely on you then I will leave to a place I have a fighting chance at making it, keeping a roof over my son's heads, food and transportation to go to doctor appointments, get a job and buy groceries! You and your family obviously are not thinking this through; but then again I always get contradicting responses from your mom. Me having a safe place to live is beneficial for our child too. If I have nothing here for me then I have nothing keeping me in the United States nor Kansas!

Even if it was $200 a week to try and help would have been better than doing nothing at all. And you think I trust you to be there and help with our child when you won't help when I am in a bad spot you helped put me in? So yeah I want alimony and any judge will grant it. And yes I will be putting you on child support as well. You have just kept proving I couldn't trust you while abandoning me during all this! You want to pick fights about who paid for what but let's be honest it doesn't fucking matter or change anything! Picking petty fights is beneath us. I get it you love being petty but I don't have the time or energy for it. Exhausting me only hurts our baby. Pissing me off and making me emotional only hurts our baby! What the fuck are you actually upset about? I am giving you what you want.

You want time and space. But you still want to blow up my phone daily telling me lies like you miss me! You want me to heal but you keep poking old wounds. You want to co parent but have shown me I can't trust you and abandoned our son! You want a divorce and so I am trying to get that. You want sexual relations with other people and I am sure you have done a ton of that. You wanted to be able to drink and pop pills and you spent $80 doing that. So what more do you want from me? I am done fighting you to want to be with me! I am done begging you to care about me! I am done asking you to love me! And I am done trusting you just to be reminded I shouldn't have! Everyone means more to you then I have ever felt like I do! So I quit... I am tired, sick, drained and done trying to convince you to come home! You want to be out running the streets then do that but I don't need to be married to you for that! Your actions have been nothing but disrespectful to me! And I can't afford anymore high blood pressure or stress!

So you want out then fucking go! I am not stopping you anymore. And I am not waiting around for you either. Since I couldn't pay all the back rent they sent it to the attorney for eviction so we should be gone by our one year anniversary! I think our son will stay with my dad while the boys and I stay in a homeless shelter. But my number and things will be changing so you won't have to worry about me reaching out until maybe July. I am trying to quickly get an attorney or something to file for divorce ASAP so that hopefully it is granted and done by our one year wedding anniversary! We will eventually discuss parenting time and things but being three states away I don't know how that will work since I will be breastfeeding! And after how all this played out I don't see much of a relationship with your parents happening. So time will tell I guess...

And for the record I wanted to pull the trigger on trying to get your daughter since August. You wouldn't man up or follow through! So taking your guilt out on our son was mean, pathetic and proved more why I can't trust you at all! But you will not use my kids to try and fix your past mistakes, heal yourself and try to feel less guilty. Because you did me so horribly while pregnant with our child and how you treated our son! Your guilt is gonna increase! So running from your issues will fix nothing at all since you already made shit ten times worse. At least you were apart of doctors appointments, sonograms and your daughters birth! You won't be there for our childs birth. Do you honestly think that isn't gonna build more guilt?

Co parenting won't be easy. Especially when we don't even know the sex of the baby yet. If it is a boy then we will have even bigger issues because you can't treat our son like you do our other son. You wouldn't and haven't taken any co parenting classes you were required to take for your daughter. So I do think you should start there. Taking parenting courses and co parenting classes may help you start being more objective, occasionally neutral but mostly less aggressive and hostile towards an innocent child. Your sexuality, orientation and preferences are something you need to cope and deal with fast. I was willing to help but it was gonna be on my terms.