90 Sky, Ground, and Emotion

Capcis' POV:

Anxiety... nervousness... fear... concern.. doubt, dread unease-suspense-restlessness.

These were all emotions that were going through my brain currently. They made it much more difficult to keep my focus on the papers in front of me. How could I remember which magic circle produced a summoning effect, or what this magical rune meant while under such stress? It was impossible.

The last hours of my life have probably been the most intense that I've had in months. First Quis reappeared as if coming back from death, throwing everyone, including me, for a loop. At that moment I couldn't even breathe, let alone think. It was all just too much, but after I got over the fact that he was back, I couldn't help asking myself: Why? Why did I feel so overjoyed and contented when I saw him alive and well?

I know that before I had prepared myself to confess to him even though he just lost someone; I was prepared to give my all to soothe his turbulent soul, but I've changed, haven't I? My entire outlook on the world is different now, I see the same things, but I perceive them differently. I used to be very timid and shy, unable to even talk correctly, but now that I've seen the true face of the world, I understand that talking to people is such a small problem to have that I'd be better off not having it. It's not that I suddenly grew confident, instead it's that I have grown uncaring. That callousness stuck and soon blossomed into confidence once I realized how much people really don't care about what you say.

So then I ask myself again, why do I feel giddy at the thought of Quis? If I'm truly as apathetic as I thought I was, then why does Quis bring back my tenderness? To be honest, I've yet to answer that. I've been in such mental hysteria that instead of taking a cautious step back, I've done what my mind, body, and soul have asked of me. I've talked to him, I've touched him, I've defended him, yet with it only being half-hearted, it all felt artificial.

But then why am I so shaken up by him asking to meet me for something serious?

It's been a while since I've had a question relating so close to my identity. The last time this happened was when I lost the two of them. Back then I didn't face the problem head-on, instead escaping into a labyrinth of hole-filled philosophies and principles. But that chilly place was where I found comfort, so now that the holes were beginning to be covered up, I found myself wanting to cut them open again. Be that as it may, for some reason, I've yet to do that.

Instead, I live inside this limbo torn between the world I've grown accustomed to and the new world that Quis' return was offering me. But I'm not sure what path to take. Should I go left and cover myself in blankets of shallowness, distance, and indifference, forever living in comfort, or should I go right and brave the fierce storms of tempering blades, bleeding for the sake of change? Or will I remain indecisive, resulting in my arms being stretched between the two directions, slowly ripping them off from my torso until I fall into the pit of fire below?

"Ah."

Suddenly I understood the answer to one of my questions.

I was so nervous because I knew deep down that whatever this meeting was, it would be the deciding factor on which of the three paths I took. With that wonder being quelled, I was able to just barely focus on the papers in front of me and start answering questions again.

As long as I focused on this exam, I wouldn't have to think about the meeting, and that was enough for me.

But I could feel from my very soul that soon enough, a large decision would have to be made.

One that would decide my fate.

____________________________________________

I stood on the dark stained slab of wood that rested just above the tree line, and just at the base of the dome that shadowed over it. I looked out at the trees, trying to find serenity despite my ever-pumping heart. A sudden gust of wind fluttered through the branches of the trees before making its way over to me, causing my hair to flow and my robe to press against my body. I stared into the blue sky, devoid of the clouds that hung in the air for months, wondering when this moment of torturous suspense would end. And then, it did.

"It's nice, isn't it."

I turned and found myself looking at the white-haired boy I found both in my dreams and nightmares, the one who caused my life to change in so many different ways, the one who made me who I am, the one who I most desperately wanted to speak to at this very moment: It was Quis. The draft of wind also seemed to have hit him, causing his hair and robe to flutter in the wind, but despite such pressure, his gaze into the sky didn't quit.

I felt an incredible amount of pressure at this moment, but I also knew how meticulous Quis was. As I've observed a couple of times now, he likes to make a show of his thoughts to truly get him across, and it's proven effective. So I decided to go along with it and let him give it his best shot, everyone deserves a chance after all. I looked up into the sky once again, and returned his sentiments, "Well, it sure is a stark contrast when compared to the last few months of rain we've had."

I turned to look at Quis as I said this just in time to see him shake his head and continue his thought, "While that is true, I'm referring to a different kind of beauty. Not the sky itself, but the concept behind the sky. The sky is such an interesting idea because of the reverence it creates. As a result of that unpalpability, if someone were to say that they wanted to climb above the sky, they would be shunned and brushed off. But doesn't that contradict the entire idea of cultivation? Isn't the point of cultivation to slowly climb above the sky?"

He stopped in the middle of his conversation to himself before walking passed me and sitting on the ledge of the roof, gesturing for me to join him. I decided that I wanted to hear where this was going, and followed his demand. Once I sat down next to him, he continued talking, "Both of those ideas are true, so then why I ask, why are people so attached to the ground that they shun others who attempt to climb above it? Is it fear? Maybe. Is it a lack of confidence? Perhaps. But I believe in another idea. I believe that it has to do with identity... Here's a question for you Capcis: What is your identity?"

My identity? The question filled me with dread but at the same time curiosity. What was my identity? Who did I see myself as? I didn't have an answer. I could say something like a nobody, but I know that isn't true as I do mean things to some people. So what could I say? What even constitutes an identity?

As I was in the middle of mental deliberation, Quis spoke again, "That right there is what I mean. You don't know even who you yourself are, so how could you go about trying to scale the sky? But then, you ask yourself, doesn't that mean that my identity is someone who is unable to get off the ground, someone who is constantly lost, looking for who I am? To that, I can only say, "That isn't true identity." True identity is what makes you feel complete, what allows you to lift yourself off of the ground without fear of falling. Because you know yourself, you know the path you must take to the top of the sky, and you know that you break through the barrier, soaring above the sky."

He turned to look at me and I turned to look at him as well. I could see the seriousness inside his eyes bolster as he resumed, "Capcis. I have found my identity. I know who I truly am. But do you? You know how observant I can be, and I wasn't doing nothing in the couple of months that I have been here. I can tell you are struggling with something. So Capcis, I want you to talk to me about it. Vent to me. Let go of the things you have been holding inside of yourself. I'll be here to listen. Maybe this way, you'll at least move forward a little bit in discovering who you are. I want you to share your burdens with me."

I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting this. I've seen Quis operate a couple of times, and there was never a time when he did something like this. And... his offer wasn't all too bad. I'm sure it was because of how he spoke and the environment as of now, but I felt compelled to find meaning in his philosophy. Maybe I was just a lost ground-dweller, unable to look up and see the bright sky, forced to forever look down. And perhaps I didn't have any identity right now. I don't have anything can do for myself, I don't have a special talent, and I don't even have Quis' death to fuel me anymore.

I bit my upper lip slightly in distress at the options laid out in front of me. I could try out what Quis had laid out for me, or I could continue looking at the ground and cursing at those who dared not to. At first, the former seemed quite tempting, but then I remembered. What happens every time I get too big an ego? What happens when I attempt to even look at the sky? Only bad things come of it-

Wait... no. That isn't right! Quis is right here, isn't he?! He's alive, he's actually alive!

It's then that it hit me. Quis was alive, so what right did I have to believe my existence was a curse? I got so comfortable in saying that it was that I couldn't even question it until Quis gave me the ability to. So I decided. If being on the ground brought only worry to those that I held in my heart, then why don't I look up to the sky? Why not take the first step, even if it's as small as talking about my problems and who I view myself as to someone else?

Suddenly, resolution burst into my eyes for the first time in a long time, and I turned to him, my life gaining color once again. But this time it wouldn't be a brief change. It would be a permanent one. So I said everything. I talked about the highs: when I first met Pulchra, when I truly met him, the trouble I used to bring my parents, and learning he was alive once again. I talked about the lows: getting bullied as a kid, losing Pulchra, losing him, the mindset that followed, and my aloof attitude. I told him my everything. The relevant and the irrelevant. It didn't matter. All that mattered to me was that someone was listening, that someone cared.

Once I finished talking about my many cold interactions with Spiravit, I turned silent. I didn't say anything, and he didn't say anything for what seemed like years but was only a couple of minutes. That was until I made another decision, one that was going to flip my life around. I stared at him as he looked into the flourishing jungle, breathing in the fresh air, before whispering to him, "Quis, is it wrong to want to climb despite not truly knowing who you are?"

When my words reached him, his head slowly shook, "No, of course it isn't. If your identity isn't forged in difficulty, then it is much of an identity at all? But to climb without knowing your identity completely is impossible, which only means that you have to have an idea of who you might be. So I want you to tell me in your own words Capcis. Who are you?"

I only shook my head. This was the same question he asked me at the beginning, and my answer was still going to be the same, "I don't know... but I do know that... whoever I really am... whoever I want to truly be... You are the person I want to discover it with."

As those words exited my mouth, confusion bloomed in my mind. Was that really what I wanted? Could this path be trusted? Would I truly not be betrayed like I always have been? What was preventing the darkness from returning? How did I know that my gaze wouldn't revert to the ground?

But suddenly my sense of touch took over and all of the qualms disappeared in the feeling of a head being placed on my lap. I looked down and saw that Quis had his body fall over so that his head rested in my lap. I looked at him, as a feeling slowly trickled its way back into myself. He turned his head to face mine and whispered back to me, "In that case, I'll be here to discover who you truly are along with you. Always."

Then, the floodgates broke open, letting in the sea of emotion I've been unknowingly repressing ever since my first encounter with Quis after he returned. This was the same emotion I felt just before Quis left me, but right now it felt different. Back then it felt like my everything, as if I was nothing without it.

But now... it didn't feel like I was dependent on it, but they were dependent on each other. I was independent but at the same time, I knew I didn't want him to leave. It wasn't a crushing pain to imagine him leaving again, nor was it a crushing pleasure to have him so close to me. Instead, it felt... warming. Like drinking a hot drink on a rainy day while you sit next to the fireplace, drying off your damp clothes. It was so... so soothing.

So I moved my hand and placed it on top of his head. I moved my hand around, caressing his hair. It felt right, it felt so comforting, so... relaxing.

It was at that moment that I knew.

This was real.

This was what real love was.