Screaming Conflicting Insides

Henri

College: Freshman year

My life had done a complete one-eighty ever since I’d moved in with Gemma. During that time, there’d been some intense ups and downs. But through it all, Edi had been there for me and was now the closest person to me in my life. She was the one person whom I could share anything with, and though we weren’t actually related, she’d become a sister to me. I shared everything. Everything except what had become my biggest fear.

That she, too, would abandon me someday.

I didn’t even know how deep that fear ran until she told me she’d accepted a volleyball scholarship to Michigan State clear across the country. I nearly lost it. I was able to cover it up by rushing out of the room and pretending I was sick to my stomach for other reasons, but I lost sleep and cried until I’d finally pass out each night for weeks. So when she suggested I apply at Michigan, too, and that her parents were even helping her get an off-campus apartment that I could share with her, I was ecstatic.

I got in, and the whole time we made plans and talked about our college life, I was in heaven. Not only was she taking me with her, but we’d be living together for at least four years. It was the relief I didn’t even realize my heart had been praying for, for so long. For at least the next four years, I wouldn’t have to live with the fear of her leaving me like everyone else I’d ever cared about. It was a dream come true, and at first things were perfect.

Then things took a very unexpected turn. The first time it happened we were drunk. We’d gone to a few crazy frat parties and, though we’d been thoroughly warned by some of Edi’s older teammates about how crazy these parties could get, it was still a shock.

We’d both agreed that while we’d be taking school very seriously and behaving responsibly we were still going to enjoy our college years. So we participated in the drinking games and let loose. At one point, we ended up kissing each other on a dare when we were stupid drunk. While it did feel a bit confusing, especially because while we both chalked it off as crazy college fun, some of the foggy memories of that night were a bit alarming. Like how even back at our apartment when we were no longer putting on a show for the guys at the party, I had a faint memory of kissing Edi again. Neither one of us had talked about it the next day or any day later, but we’d both agreed to slow down the partying.

It had been over a month since the party where we kissed, and Edi mentioned another party happening around the block.

“You ready to go out again?” she asked a few nights prior as we ate dinner together. “Maybe this time we don’t play any drinking games. Just go and hang out.”

That sounded good to me. I could use a night out. “Yeah, I think I’m ready. But I like your idea about no drinking games this time. It’s why I got wasted so fast.”

We also agreed to not staying out so late, especially since Edi had practice the next morning. Friday night we got ready and laughed when we saw we were dressed almost the same: leggings, boots, and similar sweaters only different colors.

We got to the party and drank slowly, sipping our beers. Like at the previous parties, some of Edi’s friends from the team were there again. It wasn’t until then that I noticed her friend Astrid was never at any of these parties, yet Edi still often mentioned hanging out with her after practices. I was glad about that, since obviously I still wasn’t completely over being paranoid about Edi replacing me in her life.

After several beers, I was beginning to feel a little buzzed but nothing like the last time. We ran into and hung out with Doug and Jeremy, a couple of guys we’d met at one of the previous parties. They kept bringing us beers. I told myself at least it was just beer, but I was still beginning to feel the buzz.

“Maybe we should slow down,” Edi said after the fourth one the guys brought us back.

I hadn’t even finished my third, so instantly I was in complete agreement. I set down one of the beers so I wouldn’t look like a lush drinking two at a time.

“You guys putting on a show for everyone like last time?” Doug asked.

I felt the heat in my face and neck and smiled, exchanging glances with Edi. I was buzzed but nowhere near like the last time, and the memory of my behavior that night was still embarrassing.

“I don’t think so,” I said softly, unable to look at any of them, including Edi.

“Drink up then,” Doug said, laughing.

“Actually,” Edi said, and I noticed her tone was strained so I turned back to her. “This is my last,” she said, lifting her beer up. “I have practice early in the morning.”

I knew her practice wasn’t that early, but I nodded anyway. “Yeah,” I agreed, raising my cup. “My last too.”

Once Doug and Jeremy realized we wouldn’t be any fun for them—like last time—they quickly found other girls to hang with.

“C’mon,” Edi said, taking my hand and pulling me through the crowded house of rowdy drunks.

We made it all the way outside, and she still hadn’t let go of my hand. As we made our way down the stairs, she laced her fingers through mine, and immediately my heart began to thud.

“Did you wanna hang out longer?” she asked.

I shook my head quickly, and then our eyes met as they had so many times since the night we’d kissed. My heartbeat sped up even more. “No, I was getting pretty buzzed. I’m not looking to ruin my entire day tomorrow like I did the day after the last party.”

She squeezed my hand, and I took in a deep breath, trying not to make too much of her hand in mine. It was cold out and late. Maybe she just remembered we’d held hands on the way home last time and she didn’t think there was anything weird about doing it again.

It was too cold to take my boots off this time, so I endured the walk home wearing them, but when we got to the bottom of the stairs of our apartment, I stopped and took them off. Edi stopped and waited for me. When I straightened up, I looked up at her, and our eyes met in that way that made my insides feel so strange. Neither of us moved until she took a step forward, staring at my lips.

She hesitated for a moment, and suddenly I remembered what she’d said last time when I kissed her here at the apartment.

“You’re drunk.”

She was still staring at my lips, and the words came out without thought. “I’m not drunk.”

Bringing her hands to my face, she kissed me softly. I’m not gay. My brain kept saying even as I opened my mouth, encouraging her to kiss me deeper. She did, and I moaned against her lips. I was buzzed but not that buzzed. I couldn’t blame it on the alcohol tomorrow. I didn’t understand it, but I needed this. And I’d very likely remember all of this. In fact, the enormity of this was sobering me up fast. The longer she kissed me, the more my entire body begged her not to stop. Then she did and stared at me.

“I want you to remember this tomorrow,” she whispered.

“I will,” I whispered back anxiously even as my head screamed what are you thinking?

She took my hand and we headed up stairs. Suddenly, I was terrified. What was I doing? Would we just kiss some more inside or . . .?

I am not gay!

Then why did the thought of her doing more to me excite me as much as it terrified me? We got inside, and she closed the door, pushing me gently against it, then brought her hand around my neck and kissed me again, this time more crazed than outside. I wrapped my arms around her waist, unable to hold back anymore.

The burning question came to me again. Was this a first for her too? Then I remembered Delena, the irritating girl on Edi’s high-school volleyball team who always seemed a little too touchy feely around Edi. I had to know now. I pulled away, gasping for air, and she stared at me.

“Am I the first girl you’ve ever kissed,” I asked, afraid of the answer.

Already the thought of her kissing another girl made me insane with jealously. But this was crazy. Why hadn’t it bothered me to see her with boys?

“You really don’t remember anything I told you last time?”

I felt my eyes open wide, and my heartbeat doubled over for another reason. “What did you tell me?”

“You asked the same thing then.”

I waited, but she didn’t say more. “And what was your answer?”

She shook her head slowly, staring deep in my eyes.

“Who?” My demanding tone surprised me.

She smiled, kissing me again, and I ran my hands up and down her firm body then felt her hand run down the side of mine slowly. She brought her hand down and stopped just before slipping it between my legs.

“Do you remember wanting me to touch you?” she whispered, staring deep in my eyes.

With a trembling breath, I shook my head, feeling the mortification wash over me again as it had all those weeks after that night. “I did?” I managed to ask.

She nodded again, staring deep into my eyes. “Do you still want me to?”

Trying to take control of my breathing, I had to think about it for a moment. “Yes,” I finally whispered.

“You’re not gonna regret this tomorrow?”

Already my conflicted insides were screaming at each other, but the one inner protest that prevailed loudest screamed that I would, regardless of my answer, so I may as well do it. I couldn’t even respond, so I closed my eyes and shook my head.

She leaned her body up against mine, taking my mouth in hers again. I could barely contain myself as my entire body began trembling. “Do you remember what else you wanted me to do to you?” she said against my mouth, and I froze.