19 Hurtful thoughts

I bid farewell to Fumiko and started my way to the dorms.

My legs were following the path towards the dorms but my mind was going off the rails and lost itself in a fog of thoughts that did nothing but snatched away my happiness along with my energy.

Perhaps this is what people call "overthinking". But, if it really is what people call it is not the first time I did such a thing and it will probably not be the last. Thoughts are something that humans can't control. Yes, gods can control them but they are only able to control the thoughts of other people and not their own.

A significant difference between humans and gods is that the supreme beings which are what humans call "Gods" became what they really are now because they were dragged through hell in their minds because of the darkness that dwells inside them. Thoughts are not necessarily similar to darkness but they can bring it to you if your soul and surroundings are willing to do so.

"Hmph." I mumbled looking in the ground in disgust thinking more and more about the thought that went through my head while I was with Fumiko.

As I walked more and more on the path which was supposed to lead me to the dorms I was soon able to see the dorms. I stopped and set my gaze at the starry sky and sighed deeply. What I was witnessing at that moment was a lie. The sky is full of stars and most of them perished but you can still witness their presence for some time. My mind quickly associated it with kindness, so, I stopped and sat on the ground looking at the sky and tried to figure out why my mind associated such a thing with a double-edged sword.

"Well, kindness is difficult to understand anyway." I mumbled.

Kindness is awakened by selfish desires, one can be kind to people just because they wish people were kind to them as well and some may do it just to attract more people around them.

But even if it is something great which helps all beings it can bring a lot of sorrow as well. I could go and be kind to someone and they would mistake it for interest which is why I call it a double-edged sword and I like to avoid it. It is double-edged because it will cut someone in the end regardless of anything that could interfere with it which is why I like to avoid kindness and especially kind people.

Kind people are another topic they are not any different from mean people who speak their mind, actually, those people may be better in some sense but I can't really say that kind people are bad, they are just unable to see the effects of their kindness.

For example, a kind person would keep in touch with you just because they would feel bad to tell you that they don't want anything to do with you. Sooner or later, this affects the person who is talking to the kind person. Their mind is burdened by the fear that the kind person may talk to them out of kindness and not interest, this brings them tremendous amounts of sadness until eventually, they become what society may call "cold people".

Cold people aren't really cold as people may see them but they are the warmest people that could ever exist, their aura is greatly felt in the room when they care for someone that brings them joy and lights the wood inside their hearts which makes them function again, but, because of their past they will be warm only to the people that set their heart ablaze which is not something bad at all, kindness should be earned and not given away because of selfish desires.

I slapped my face after I realized that sitting on the ground and thinking about such matters that won't help me at the moment was a waste of time. And so, I continued following the path so I can get in my room and get some sleep. Gods usually won't need to sleep but they will need to if they stay in the human realm for a lot of time.

Walking into my room, I saw Yoshikazu staring out the window with a worried look on his face.

"'Sup." I said walking to my bed.

"Not much, I was just wondering what happened to you, did that stomachache torture you until now?" Yoshikazu asked concerned.

"No, I just felt the need to go to a walk alone after it since I was exhausted from being around so many people." I lied while dressing in my pajamas.

"Oh, ok. Please just tell me the next time you want to get some time alone so I'll know that you're at least okay." Yoshikazu replied getting into his bed.

"Got it, I'm sorry." I stated and faced the wall so I can fall asleep.

"It's okay, good night" Yoshikazu replied.

"Good night." I said facing the wall.

Yoshikazu blew in the candle and now darkness was reigning over the room but strangely, I felt...relaxed.

Darkness was giving me silence and peace of mind, it helps you sort out your thoughts in a more rational thing as nothing disturbs you while you are within it, so, there are no external sources that could mess up with your mind.

Surely, thoughts cannot be controlled but once it brings enough darkness upon you, you will eventually be able to use darkness in your favor. It shields you from the outside and if used correctly it can relax you easily. It's no different from the belly of a pregnant woman, the kid is inside and is taken care of endlessly until he is ready to get out of there.

Good people come from dark places and they are unmatchable, they embraced darkness with all their might and accepted it, recognizing their weaknesses and deciding to make themselves stronger, they are strong because they pulled themselves out of their misery.

Good people are called cold people and a lot of people are not able to spot them and their suffering.

After coming to this conclusion, I feel asleep.