Entry No. 1 - Wandering

Let me elaborate, I learned a while back that there are three types of people. There are the people who think with pictures. The people who have a little voice in their head. And the people who have both. I have the little voice. It's the worst, the things it says are things I would never do or say. That's at least what I want to believe. Deep down I know some part of me wants those things to happen. But it won't shut up! It's not an imagination of different stories strung through my head, no, it evolved into thoughts of hatred and malice. I don't think I've truly been happy since it evolved. Nothing brings me happiness anymore and nothing from the past can either. It is thought that long term memory is reconstructive meaning you don't actually remember what something truly was and instead your mind puts " memories " together like a puzzle. I believe this to be true. The farthest back I can remember is when I was five but those memories are all bad now. I try to take pictures of me smiling so I can try and remember that I was happy in that memory. Buy time and time again they get shrouded by anything my mind considered to be a bad experience, leaving me only with the bad. I wish I were comatose from time to time because maybe then the voice would go away, I also fear that if I were to become comatose the voice would torment me in my slumber. I fear sleep for that reason, I never truly know whether or not I will be at peace or be in hell. There is only one way that I know of to subdue the voice. I like to sit in a car at night, nothing running other than the engine. Then I release pressure from my ears and close my eyes to fully experience the hum of the engine. For a moment in that time I will be at peace, the nothingness I experience for that short time brings peace to me. My mind however hates it and snaps me back into place after a second or two. Peace is once again lost and I have to face the fact that I'll only escape this one way. It's like a marriage I didn't sign up for and I can't get a divorce.

Till death do us part.