Chapter Thirteen: Am I Wrong?

In the silence of a third floor apartment, a girl laid on the floor. Her two long blond strands were strewn about in various directions while the rest of her hair remained tied up in two separate buns. This was the style that Michi went with for her hair. She had kept it like that for as long as she could remember, and while at first her uncooperative strands had bothered her, now they just felt natural. And, aside from when she slept or took baths, her hair remained the same.

It was consistent, unchanging. Keeping it the same way was part of what Michi liked. But, as the school year had gone on, Michi found that her hair seemed to be the only thing that hadn't changed. Her relationships with her friends were... different from what they were before, to say the least. When it specifically came to Kanako, that was another story entirely.

However, the most drastic change was one Michi hadn't ever expected. Chiyo Wakabayashi, a girl that by all accounts was loud and flashy and everything Michi hated, had somehow managed to shift her perspective on the gyaru demographic, if only a little.

It was hard to admit. It was hard to stomach. And yet, the more Michi thought about it, the more she couldn't deny it (though try as she might): Her long-held disgust for gals had softened. The credit for this change entirely went to Chiyo herself, although Michi got the feeling that if she told Chiyo that, she'd probably make some sort of joke about it. "...Like I could ever tell her anyways," Michi thought.

A small, slight shift in mindset had definitely occurred, but the way in which it had was what really held Michi's attention. Primarily, it was one moment, one specific moment, that had made everything currently in Michi's head impossible to ignore.

Simply put, it was the smiling face of Chiyo, as tears had cascaded down her cheeks.

It sounded ridiculous, but in that time, Michi was reminded of just how human Chiyo was. Of course, it was obvious she was human, just like her, but Michi thought about it in a more vague sense. That moment had made her realize that beyond what felt like fakeness, beyond all the sex and stereotypes, Michi had simply felt like Chiyo must've been some sort of different species compared to her.

There was her fashionable, outward appearance, but going deeper, there was a girl that truly cared a lot about her friends. She was a girl who wanted desperately to not just make her friends happy, but to find happiness for herself. And yet, in that endeavor, she had failed. Miserably she had failed... but she just kept going. Putting on make-up as a mask and a smile to eliminate a person's doubt, Chiyo had tried to remain as she always had been.

It hadn't worked. Michi had noticed. She saw the cracks in the façade and went so far as to call Chiyo out on them. She still didn't understand why she had done that, but in doing so, she had been shown a side of Chiyo that she was certain no one else had seen. Something told her that not Haruna nor Jasmine had ever seen Chiyo like she had been that day. Vulnerable, broken, lonely.

Because she had seen that, it had reminded Michi of two things. One, that Chiyo wasn't a different species at all. Rather, she was just a high school girl that sometimes seemed bigger than what she really was. It was one big show, but instead of it being a sham, it was a genuine performance, one that Chiyo poured her heart into each and every day, if for no other reason than for the sake of others.

She had her faults. Chiyo's sex life (which arguably shouldn't have even existed considering her age) had gone off the rails. In her efforts of trying to help her friends, she had only made things worse for herself. She wanted to fix her friendship with Haruna, but was paralyzed by fear of just pushing her farther away.

"What an idiot..." Michi muttered. To a passerby, these words would sound like an insult. However, instead of them being harsh, they held an incomprehensible admiration. There had already been so much pain in Chiyo's life, yet she kept putting herself through more, with the only reason being that she wanted everyone to be able to be truly happy. That was an amazing concept to Michi, but also impossible to comprehend fully. Why couldn't she understand? Because in order to, it required the willingness to push onward, no matter what your efforts may bring. That was something Michi was unable to do.

Her stubbornness prevented her from even really wanting to understand, and her actions continued to be the hammer that drove down the nail keeping her in place. Just as Chiyo was desperate for happiness and to be wanted, Michi was desperate for things to remain unchanged. Nothing should ever change and if everything is good, why should it anyways? This was the philosophy Michi held, and it was that philosophy that was constantly getting challenged.

One of the biggest challengers was Chiyo, practically forcing change down her throat whether it was intentional or not or whether Michi wanted it or not. It coursed through her body, reaching her mind, the part of her most steadfast. So surefooted, so certain in her words and actions she had been, and now it was being chipped away at in chunks.

While there were many aspects of herself that this was happening to, there was one in particular that made up the second of the two things that Michi had been reminded of by Chiyo's vulnerability. As time had gone on from summer break, each passing day seemed to add more and more distance between Michi and her friends. Furthermore, this was not because they were in different classes. It had nothing to do with their houses not being next-door. There wasn't a lack of common interest, nor was there a clash in personalities.

The fault for Michi's relationships becoming so strained was entirely with her and her alone. That was something that Michi couldn't shake away or bury, because it ran through her brain at momentous speed, hitting all points in such a consistent fashion as it made sure it wouldn't be forgotten. Try as she might, Michi couldn't push down the only conclusion that was correct.

In the process of trying to convince Kanako that Haruna was bad for her, Michi had only driven a wedge in between herself and Kanako. With each attempt, it had been sent farther and farther in, with Michi being the one to deliver each blow. She had created a massive gap, and it was impossible for Michi to deny it.

Through her failures with Kanako, Michi had been harsher with Mayu and Itsuki, causing them to distance themselves from Michi as well. It wasn't like they said it explicitly. No one would, but it was obvious. The way they danced around invites, the way they scurried out of the clubroom together, all in an effort to avoid Michi. All of their actions were done not out of hate or anger, but out of simple confusion and perhaps a little fear. Fear that their friend was no longer who they had believed her to be.

What was it that Chiyo had said that caused Michi to think all of this? It was her past, and the girls that Chiyo had once called her friends. They were crude and awful individuals, certainly deserving of being left alone for all of eternity. What they had done was unforgiveable and the way they had treated Chiyo... it made Michi sick.

But, perhaps what made her feel even sicker was that she couldn't stop drawing comparisons between herself and those girls. Like them, Michi had tried to blackmail Haruna into something. Like them, she had lashed out at those she called her friends when things didn't go her way. "Am I... as bad as them?" Michi wondered. It felt like a valid question. Was she, the one who was single-handedly destroying her own friendships in the pursuit of making everything just the way she wanted, as bad as the girls who used others for their own gain? The two descriptions certainly felt comparable to Michi.

"No, there's no way I'm like them," she told herself. "They slept around basically for money. I'm just trying to protect what I have, that's all." Michi thought that, but the thought rang hollow. It rang and rang, but Michi refused to hear it. And there, once again, the ironclad stubbornness of Michi Fukuhara reared its ugly head once more.

She saw her own faults. Her failures as a friend, the meanness in her striving for "protecting what she has," and in even the basic things like her stereotyping of Chiyo. Each one of these things slammed into her mind over and over, demanding to be heard and taken into consideration for future actions. But, instead of just learning to accept them, Michi slammed back. She threw her weak excuses and her small words back at them, refusing to listen. She thought, "It's not like I'm trying to be mean. They just don't understand," and "I know I'm right. They should just listen to me. Everything was good. Why do they keep trying to ruin it?"

Excuse upon lie upon faulty reason. This was the process of how Michi justified her words and actions. By telling herself these magic phrases, her judgements felt more sound and she gained confidence in what she did. This was process she had repeated many times since she had noticed Kanako hanging around Haruna again. It had been reliable, but as change continued to assail her, Michi couldn't stop one question from echoing in the outer chambers of her head.

"Am I wrong?"

Was it possible that Michi's strong sense of certainty was misplaced? "..." When faced with her own questions, Michi couldn't answer. Perhaps, somewhere inside of her, she already knew the answer. But wherever that somewhere was, it was currently unreachable. Although, just because it couldn't be reached, that didn't mean it was silent. From this place that created and stirred doubt within Michi, it lobbed more questions.

How can you be so sure that Endo-san is bad for Kana-chan?

What is it that makes you so certain, even though you have no evidence?

What if you're the bad one?

With the greatest heave, Michi threw all of these questions away. "...I... am right..." she said aloud. "I'll prove it... I'll get Kana-chan to understand..." These were words that were supposed to be convincing for her, and yet they fell flat. How would she prove her false beliefs? How could she persuade Kanako of anything when she was barely able to believe it anymore herself? It wasn't as if Michi was accepting of Haruna now, but even she could tell Haruna wasn't doing any actual harm other than to Michi's own physique.

Sitting up, Michi shook with rage and indignation. What or who those feelings were directed at, she didn't know, but she felt them nonetheless. "This is ridiculous. This is all ridiculous!" she said, though she was having a hard time placing her finger on what exactly was ridiculous besides herself. But, despite her unknowing, Michi clung desperately to the hope that she could sway all of the people around her into going back to the way things were.

After all, that was what Michi desired. Really, she wanted Haruna out of the picture not because she hated her (although she was certainly not Haruna's biggest fan), but because she wanted Kanako back where she belonged. Her, Michi, Mayu and Itsuki. Hanging out, eating lunch together, just having fun. Maintaining that unchanging atmosphere that had brought Michi so much comfort. "If I can get Mayu-chan and Itsuki-chan back on my side, then maybe all three of us can convince Kana-chan stop hanging around Endo-san," Michi thought. Were there sides? To Michi there were, and that was all that mattered. Now with a new plan in mind, she waited to act upon it at school the next day.

*****

Wanting to take action already, Michi sat anxiously at her desk as the minutes ticked by. Her concerns kept rising as she wondered just how well this new plan of hers would go. So far, most (really all) of them had failed. Of course, that was mostly due to Michi being unable to figure out how to get what she wanted. Trying to keep people apart was really only possible by means of force, which felt extreme to Michi, not to mention probably illegal. Her blackmail plan had backfired in the end as well, doing more damage to her own relationship with Kanako than the girl's relationship with Haruna. Aside from all of the arguing and yelling, there hadn't been much that Michi had been able to do.

Now was different though. Surely if she could get Mayu and Itsuki to see her side of things, Kanako would soon understand the error of her ways. "I'll get her away from Endo-san for sure this time," Michi thought, although that did little to assuage her worries.

Primarily, there was already an issue at the starting line. As of late, Mayu and Itsuki had been distant. More often than not, those two had been going off to have lunch elsewhere. Out of curiosity once, Michi had followed them, revealing that they were just in another part of the school. That was reasonable and expected, but what had surprised Michi was the fact that she had seen Jasmine with them. However, unlike her feelings toward Chiyo, Michi wasn't all that bothered by Jasmine. The two gals of Iwanai High were cut from the same cloth, but they gave off completely different vibes. It was because of that that Michi just simply let Jasmine be. She wasn't her biggest fan, but Michi didn't see much reason to launching a constant stream of insults at her either. "But she does have a long list of ex-boyfriends..." she thought bitterly.

Seeing Mayu, Itsuki and Jasmine together wasn't really much of an issue, but what was were the events that kept unfolding beforehand. Michi kept trying to invite them to eat together, but most of the time they refused with some sort of excuse. They only stayed if Kanako insisted, but the only reason Kanako stuck around was because Michi practically twisted her wrist into doing so, causing Kanako's case for eating together to fall flat.

The current day was appearing to be much of the same. With a ring of the bell, Michi had gone over to the next classroom to ask Itsuki and Mayu to join her. "W-Well, we were gonna go, um, buy stuff...?" Itsuki stumbled. "Does that sound convincing to you?" Michi thought, irritated. "Maybe we can eat together tomorrow?" Mayu suggested, pumping out the same suggestion she had been giving. This time, Kanako had also managed to sneak off, mostly likely to Haruna and Chiyo if Michi had to guess.

For a moment, Michi stared at her friends, unsure of how to respond. On the one hand, she wanted to be angry. No one likes being avoided, especially blatantly. But, on the other hand, Michi felt pain. Putting all other reasons aside and causes for her current situation, all Michi really wanted was for her group of friends to spend time together like they used to. Seeing Mayu and Itsuki acting the way they were was a bitter pill to swallow, but once she did, its effect took hold of Michi. Instead of poor scheming or anger-laced arguments, Michi put a genuine look on her face as she said, "Come on, is it really so bad to eat with me?"

It was a question asked with no malice or irritation. It wasn't a joke nor sarcastic. Michi meant it. She wanted an answer, and when faced with such a question, unease streaked across Mayu and Itsuki's faces. "...O-Okay," Itsuki finally agreed. "Perhaps it would be good," Mayu added. Breathing a sigh of relief, Michi helped to join desks together as they made a makeshift table. Truthfully, she had been surprised by herself. Michi had planned to just be persuasive, but instead, she just spoke from her heart. She knew that wasn't a bad thing, but... it felt odd. Michi wondered what had caused her to do that. Briefly, a vision of Chiyo popped into her mind. "...No way. It has nothing to do with her," Michi thought, shaking the gal in her head away.

Once the three girls sat down, they all took out their food. Michi had hoped that setting everything up how it used to be would lead to easier conversation, but all that resulted was awkward silence. "This... isn't working," Michi thought. She considered just getting straight to the point. "If I do that, will it just freak them out?" she wondered. Michi knew she was standing on shaky ground, but ultimately her ulterior motives won out.

"Hey, can I ask you two something?" she began. Itsuki and Mayu both looked at her nervously. "Don't you think Endo-san is a bad influence on Kana-chan?" There wasn't an immediate response, but then, Itsuki looked away, visibly bothered. "Y-You know Mi-chan, you sure have brought that topic up a lot s-since summer break." The way she spoke gave off a strong sense of nerves. "I believe you've asked us that before," Mayu said with a weak smile.

Michi crossed her arms. "Yeah, well, I just wanted to know if your answers had changed," she said in a huff. "Um, n-not really. I mean, I like Endo-san. I think she's nice..." Itsuki said quietly. "Nice?" Michi repeated. "Nice?! That stupid girl insults me constantly! She's awful! A poison! Nothing but evil! What the hell do you mean she's nice?!" Confronted by a set-off Michi, Itsuki shrank away. "I-I don't know... I guess we just got along real well on the camping trip..." "Well. Good. For. You," Michi said, putting emphasis behind each word. "Now, now Mi-chan," Mayu said, trying to bring the conversation down to a calmer level. "I'm sure your worries are just misplaced. After all, Endo-san is in-"

Mayu nearly said, "is in love with Kana-chan," but she abruptly put a hand to her mouth. Her actions only furthered Michi's suspicions. "She's in what?" she asked sharply. "N-Nothing! Nothing at all!" Mayu said with a panicked wave of her hands. Itsuki raised her eyebrows at Mayu while Michi scowled. "So what? You're on her side too?" she spat. "Side? What side?" Mayu asked.

As soon as she heard those words, an eruption went off inside of Michi. She wanted to scream "Endo-san's side! You only care about her! You're just throwing our friendship away!" but... she didn't. She couldn't. After all, the look on Mayu's face told her all she needed to know. There weren't any sides in her head. All she saw were people and relationships. Then, Michi had a realization: The divide that had formed between her and her friends, while connected in her mind, were wholly unconnected overall. To Mayu and Itsuki, all they saw were the irrational reactions and shouts of a frustrated girl for no apparent reason. They didn't see that it was all because of Haruna being around Kanako like Michi did.

If someone looked independently at the issues surrounded the group of girls, perhaps they'd be able to make that connection. Michi wanted Kanako to herself and her own group. Haruna interfered with that. That made Michi more and more upset, causing her to take it out on her other friends. When put that way, it wasn't all that complicated. However, that was only if a person could see that full picture, which was something no one person was capable of doing unless they had every piece of information available to them. Mayu and Itsuki's perspectives were inherently different from Michi's, and there was nothing that could be done about that unless the one causing the conflict was willing to compromise on her feelings.

"Mi-chan? Are you okay?" Mayu asked. "I'm fine," Michi said back quickly. "Let's just eat." In the end, she decided to relent, not because she had given up, but because Michi believed her approach had failed. "I was too straightforward. That's why they can't see it my way. I need to work around the issue more and sway them bit by bit." It was a terrible way to think, especially in the case of interacting with friends, but to Michi, it didn't matter. If she got what she wanted in the end, then it would justify the means and her towering stack of excuses.

After school, with it not being a club day, the three girls began to walk home. As had been the case recently, Mayu and Itsuki had tried to move quickly, but Michi had moved faster, catching up with them. She thought about pointing out how they tried to leave her behind, but she held back. Instead, she had two other questions on her mind. Michi took several deep breaths. She wanted to be as calm as possible when asking, no matter what answers she got. Finally breaking the silence, she spoke.

"...What do you think of Endo-san?" she asked. For a moment, Itsuki was confused. She thought she had answered that question earlier. Then, she realized that she had only offered her small opinion. There was no detail. "Was that why Michi was mad earlier?" Itsuki wondered. That wasn't it, but it was what Itsuki went with. "I... think she can be on the harsher side," the tomboy said. "But, I also think that past that, she cares. And maybe... Endo-san isn't as tough as she seems."

Mayu nodded in agreement. "I have to say, Endo-san can feel intimidating, but if you get to know her, you can see she means well. I think she just tends to get a little defensive and says the wrong things sometimes. You do that too Mi-chan," Mayu said, adding that last part with a little giggle. "Don't compare me to her..." Michi muttered. Her voice was quiet, but it wasn't because she couldn't deny the comparison. Rather, it had to do with something her friends had said, as they had described someone that also wasn't as tough as they seemed. That comment further pushed the second question Michi had, eventually forcing itself out of her mouth and into the air.

"...what do you... think of Chiyo...?" she asked in the smallest voice. The words had been hard to say, but say them she had nonetheless. The question stunned both Itsuki and Mayu. They were sure Michi hated Chiyo. Deciding to answer and find out why she had asked, both girls answered.

"She's great!" Itsuki said happily. "Chiyo is so much fun! I wish we hung out more!" "She's so kind. It's like having an older sister," Mayu said. "...I see..." Michi said, still keeping her voice quiet. "Why did you ask? Don't you hate Chiyo?" Itsuki asked bluntly. "I... well..." Michi muttered, struggling to find the words she wanted. "I... do..."

".........not..."

That final word had only just squeaked past Michi's lips. It made part of her feel sick to admit it. Was her nausea caused by thinking about Chiyo or admitting she had been wrong? Michi didn't know, but she did know that she couldn't deny the fact that what she had called hate toward Chiyo before had been downgraded to... extreme dislike. "Yeah, that's it... I really can't stand her..." Michi thought, trying to convince herself that that was how she truly felt.

But, while that was one thing, her issue with Haruna hanging around Kanako was another. Michi shook away her feelings about Chiyo and tried to refocus on the goal she had originally been set upon. However, after talking to Mayu and Itsuki, instead of becoming surer about her plan, Michi had only gained more doubt. She could see the goal she was reaching for falling well out of reach, which only served to heighten her feelings of desperation.

"I need to get back on track," she thought. "If I don't act soon, then..." Then what? Michi wasn't even sure of what that meant. Was she afraid of losing Kanako? That certainly seemed to be the case, but it wasn't like there was a time limit on that. Then again, putting it that way meant that while something like a friend being stolen away may never happen, it also meant it could happen before she knew it. "I need to get them apart. I need to show Kana-chan that Endo-san is nothing but evil," Michi thought. It was a thought that had crossed her mind so many times she had lost count. And why was that? There was an easy answer, and that was that there was no real way to show anything to Kanako that supported Michi's claim.

Michi knew that. Deep within herself, she knew it was hopeless. To say she also knew she was wrong was perhaps pushing it too far, but regardless, her doubts raged on inside her, continuously building up and threatening to boil over onto the surface of her thoughts. Desperately, she tried to put a lid on it. As long as Michi could keep it down, she would find some way to get what she wanted. She believed that, but it was no longer without a doubt.

The more time passed, the more she saw Haruna and Kanako together, the more Michi was forced to admit that maybe, just slightly maybe, it was okay. They weren't doing anything wrong. The hand-holding was off-putting to say the least, but aside from that Haruna and Kanako were just old friends through and through. But, even knowing that could not curb the irritation within Michi that swelled in contrast to her doubts.

Before she knew it, Michi had arrived at her apartment complex. She hadn't even realized that Mayu and Itsuki had split off from her. Not saying goodbye probably hadn't done anything to help her in her efforts to repair her friendships. In that moment though, Michi was consumed by her own thoughts and falsities. Repeatedly, she kept telling herself that she needed to get Kanako away from Haruna. Then things would go back to normal and everything would be okay again. "That's all I need," Michi thought. "Just get Endo-san out of the picture, and it'll all go back to the way it was."

Once inside, Michi continued to swirl. Because of that, there was no way for her to realize something that was all-too-important. While she obsessed over Haruna and Kanako's relationship and how to put a stop to it, and her friends kept the same distances that they had before, Michi was blinded to a crucial fact.

She was going in circles, making no progress at all. Round and round she went, and with each pass, she only got angrier. There was no way for her to stop herself. Without a major impact to her mind, something that would make her stand still long enough to really think about her errors, she was destined to spin eternally.

"Stupid Endo-san," she muttered in the fading light of her apartment. "This is all your fault. Kana-chan is my friend. Why are you even talking to her?" Putting a pot on the stove that she had filled with water, Michi put the flame on high. "I'll get her away from you. I'll free her from your nasty claws," she went on and kept going as she tried to keep her determination alive.

As time ticked by, the water in the pot began to boil. It had been filled a little too much, and about a minute later, the pot boiled over. A perfect metaphor for the thoughts in Michi's head.

End of Chapter Thirteen.