Chapter Eighteen: A Gal's Doubt

For several hours, Kanako stared at the screen on her phone. Constantly clicking on links, then going back, scrolling through search results and typing into search bars, she went on and on before finally tossing her phone to the side and sighing heavily. "This is hard…"

After deciding that she'd give her answer on Christmas, Kanako had gotten straight to work. As it was her first time planning anything like a date, she had thought it'd be a good idea to search the Internet for any potential ideas. However, what she hadn't expected was the sheer size and volume of ideas, plus the fact that almost 85 percent of them were unusable for her.

A lot of the ideas she came across involved taking someone to a fancy restaurant, tourist attraction or something similar. Unfortunately for Kanako, she certainly lacked the funds to do anything fancy, and when it came to big attractions, there wasn't much to be seen in Iwanai. Even if there was, both she and Haruna probably would've already seen whatever it was by this point in their lives. So, all of this meant that she was nearly alone in her planning endeavors.

Shopping on Christmas was a horrible idea, and for the most part, stores would be closed anyways. Going out to eat was possible, but where was another question, plus Kanako knew she'd probably have to make a reservation. It was in moments like these that she realized just how small Iwanai was. "If only we had some big Christmas celebration or something…" she thought.

Of course, none of this would matter if it turned out Haruna had plans for Christmas. "I don't remember her ever doing anything, but it could be different now," Kanako thought. In the past, she remembered Haruna usually staying home for the holidays. It was easy to remember that detail because the Nakatomi family did the same. There were a couple of times in the past where the two families had decided to spend the holidays together, but for the most part it was just a quiet night for all parties involved.

If it turned out Haruna did have plans, that would make things more difficult for Kanako, but it wouldn't make her give up. Her resolve was strong. If Christmas didn't work, then what about New Year's? Or if that didn't work, maybe Christmas Eve? If somehow no holidays worked, then Kanako would find a way to make it a special day for the two of them. "I will give Haruna my answer," she thought. "Besides, I don't think I can wait any longer…"

The school trip had made something painfully obvious to Kanako. No matter how hard she tried, her feelings for Haruna were barely containable. It took everything she had to keep them under control. More than anything, she wanted to be together with Haruna. If Kanako had to wait much longer, she was sure she wouldn't be able to hold herself back.

The thought did occur to Kanako that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. If her feelings for Haruna just exploded, then they'd most certainly get across to her. But, something about that felt wrong. If Kanako let it happen like that, it might just cause confusion, or worse yet, it could have the opposite effect. What if Kanako came on too strong and scared Haruna off? That felt like a real possibility, so because of that, Kanako made the conscious effort to keep her feelings reined in as best she could.

Picking up her phone again, Kanako continued her search. Surely there had to be something out there that she could make work for her own small-town Christmas. And yet, everything was just a little off. A restaurant that was a bit too expensive. Scenery that didn't quite work. A mood that was difficult to recreate. Every plan that came up had something in it that prevented Kanako from using to its fullest. When the time came for Kanako to go to bed, she had barely made any more progress than when she had started.

*****

While at lunch the next day, Haruna was distracted. Her own doubts were building by the day, but now on top of that, Kanako wasn't around. Somewhat to her surprise, Hinami had actually asked her to eat with her. "Well, I guess they do seem to get along now," Haruna thought, although it still felt a little odd. Hinami and Kanako spending time together wasn't a problem, but there was just something about it that made Haruna a little uneasy.

Of course, adding that to her other feelings didn't do her any good. For as silly as it may have been, even Kanako not being at lunch with Haruna made her feel that distance she kept thinking about. Internally, she sighed. "What am I even doing anymore…?" It felt like Haruna's feelings were spiraling out of control all because she hadn't gotten an answer from Kanako yet. "I mean, I definitely want an answer from her, but if I knew confessing was going to make me feel like this, I might've tried a little harder to hold my feelings back…"

This time, Haruna couldn't help but let out a sigh aloud, catching Chiyo and Jasmine's attention. "What's up Haru-chi?" Chiyo asked. "You look pretty bummed," Jasmine added. "Well…" Haruna said weakly. "Hey, Jasmine-chan. You've been in plenty of relationships, right?" "Uh, yeah? What about it?" Jasmine asked, confused. "Did you… were you ever the one to confess?" Haruna asked.

"Nope."

The answer was so quick that it caught Haruna off-guard. "Seriously?" she said. "Even I'm kinda surprised by that Jas-chin," Chiyo said. Jasmine shrugged. "I've just never really felt that way about someone, but like, I don't know… when some guy tells me he loves me, it's kinda hard to turn down, so I just go with it. Plus, who knows? Maybe I'll accidentally stumbled onto my soulmate or something." "You might stumble onto something alright," Chiyo joked. "I don't want to hear that coming from you," Jasmine shot back. "Anyways, why'd you ask Haru-chi?"

Haruna was quiet for a moment. "...Well, I was kind of hoping you would've been on the giving end of a confession, because then this would make more sense, but… If you confess to someone, and they take a while to give you an answer… what does that mean?" "What does it mean?" Jasmine repeated. "Y-Yeah, like… are they too nervous or uncertain to give an answer?" Haruna asked.

"This is about Kana-chan, right?" Chiyo asked, to which Haruna nodded. Next to her, Jasmine gave it some thought. "So like, what're we talkin' here? A couple weeks?" she asked. "...It's getting close to a couple months…" Haruna said meekly. Briefly, Jasmine's eyes widened before going back down. "Ah, yeah I guess that's about right," she muttered.

Hearing the length of time out loud brought about a moment of silence among the three girls. "It's just…" Haruna finally said. "Should I be worried? I know my confession was sudden and all, and I get our circumstances, but…" Chiyo put a hand on Haruna's shoulder. "You shouldn't worry so much Haru-chi! It'll be fine, right Jas-chin?" Looking to her right, her fellow gal was still quiet. When she opened her mouth next, it wasn't what either of the other girls wanted to hear.

"I think… you should be worried," she said. "Wha-? Jas-chin!" Chiyo cried. "Hear me out," Jasmine continued. "It's obviously fine for a couple days to go by, and like, maybe a week. A couple of weeks starts to get kinda iffy honestly. But Haru-chi, you've been waiting for more than a month, almost two." "So what are you saying?" Haruna asked. Jasmine let out a reluctant sigh. "I'm saying that if she's waited this long to give you an answer, she's probably just trying to figure out a way to turn you down without hurting you."

"Jas-chin!" Chiyo said more sternly. "I'm just sayin'," Jasmine said. "It's obvious how much Kana-chan cares about Haru-chi, but caring about someone and actually being in love with them are two different things. There's a pretty good chance that Kana-chan just doesn't want to lose Haru-chi as a friend, so she's trying to find a way to reject her without ending that friendship."

Next to her, all Chiyo could do was fume. She wanted to shout out, "That's not true!" but if she did, she'd have to explain why. Exposing Kanako's feelings before she could say them herself would be one of the worst things Chiyo could do. So instead, she searched for the best words to ease Haruna's worries.

"H-Hey, you never know though, right?! Like, it could all turn out for the best!" Chiyo said, trying to encourage Haruna. "...right…" the girl said back quietly. It was clear Jasmine's words had had an effect on her. "Sorry, but… I think I'm just going to go back to the classroom." Then Haruna got up from their table and left.

Once she was out of sight, Chiyo turned on Jasmine. "What the hell Jas-chin?!" she yelled. "What? Should I have lied to her?" Jasmine said back. "You didn't have to tell her you think she's gonna get rejected!" Chiyo shouted. "But it's possible isn't it?" Jasmine said. "No!" Chiyo exclaimed, to which Jasmine looked at her with surprise. "No?" she repeated. Chiyo froze. "I-I mean… ugh…" she groaned.

Jasmine thought for a moment before putting it together. "Kana-chan told you she's in love with Haru-chi didn't she?" "Yeah…" Chiyo responded. "But wait, didn't you know already? It seemed like you did." "I had my suspicions, but I gotta admit, with how long its been since Haru-chi's confession, I was starting to doubt it."

Chiyo could only shake her head. "If you had even a feeling that it might be like that, then why would you say what you did?! "I don't know, okay?!" Jasmine shouted, surprisingly raising her voice before lowering it again. "...maybe it's just all of my bad relationships slipping out…" "Y'know, I noticed you say you can never turn people down, but you haven't gone out with anyone since first term right?" Chiyo pointed out. "Yeah," Jasmine said. "For some reason, it's easier to say no now. Although it's still super uncomfortable."

Looking in the direction that Haruna walked away in, Jasmine wore a look of guilt. "...But, you're probably right… I shouldn't have said that she was gonna get rejected." "Guess you'll have to make it up to her," Chiyo said, getting a nod from Jasmine.

And while they talked for a bit longer, Haruna walked through the halls back to her classroom. Her mood was worse than ever, but in a sad sort of way. Everybody was so used to seeing Haruna looking so angry that seeing her so down was almost unnerving. As she sat in her seat, she could hear people murmuring around her wondering if they should ask if she's okay. "Honestly, getting them concerned for me just makes me feel worse…" she thought.

Haruna just wasn't sure how much more she could take. Jasmine's guess at why Kanako hadn't given an answer yet felt like a deathblow. It was almost like she had just gotten rejected. "No," Haruna thought, quickly shaking her head. "I shouldn't think like that. I still don't know how Kanako feels about me."

That was what Haruna wanted to believe, but even that did little against her doubts and growing depression. "Ugh…" she groaned. "This sucks…" If it felt this bad just thinking about getting rejected, then how would she feel if it actually happened? "I don't even want to think about that…"

To Haruna, love had always been something part magical, part hard-to-comprehend. The magical part came from movies and TV shows, along with hearing about other people and their relationships. They always made it sound like it was such a wonderful experience, and even if Haruna wasn't a hardcore romantic, she could definitely imagine the magic that love could provide.

However, it was also hard to understand. What did it mean to love someone? How were you supposed to know? Is it really as easy as it is in movies? These were all questions Haruna had growing up, and it wasn't until she started falling for Akio that she began to understand. Or at least, she thought she did. Over those years, she developed stronger and stronger feelings for the boy, but it still took Chiyo pointing it out for Haruna to know to call it love.

After that, Haruna felt like she got it. To love someone romantically was to want to be with them, and knowing you're in love with someone just meant understanding that first part. It seemed like a simple formula. And then, it wasn't. The simplicity stopped. It came to a screeching halt all because of a deal, but it was because of that that Haruna learned something important.

She knew love, but she didn't experience love.

The difference was so small it would take a magnifying glass to find if that was possible, but it was there nonetheless. Haruna had fallen in love with Akio. She had a crush, wanted to be with him and hoped to someday actually date him. But when those feelings were looked at on a deeper level, there wasn't much else there. And perhaps that would've been fine, or even considered normal. Love isn't always deep. It isn't always complex. It can be easy, or so Haruna thought. Until, that is, she fell in love with her.

It was entirely different. Haruna didn't want to just be with Kanako, she wanted to give everything of herself to her. She didn't just want to date Kanako, she wanted to be together forever. She hadn't just fallen in love. Haruna had tumbled, head over heels, down and down, creating a depth so deep it was impossible to look up and see the surface anymore. Her love for Kanako was immeasurable, and half the time she didn't even quite understand it herself. It wasn't easy, it was hard. It was deeper than she ever imagined possible. It was complicated too, but all of that was okay. As long as Haruna knew about even the existence of these feelings that threatened to overwhelm her, that was all she really needed.

And yet, even with those feelings, she faced a dire outcome. Haruna loved Kanako so much to the point it nearly hurt, but an even worse pain was on the horizon if she was told that the girl she loved with all her heart didn't feel the same way. If that happened, what would she do? It was impossible to just give up on these feelings, that much was certain, but beyond that, what more could Haruna do other than hang on to her unrequited love?

It was question that felt like it could consume her. What would she do? What could she do? What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do…? Over and over and over the question played. It twisted her insides. She very nearly felt sick. Laying her head down on the desktop, Haruna closed her eyes. "I hate this…"

*****

When Hinami had approached Kanako to have lunch together, it had been pretty unexpected. "Y-You want to eat with me?" she repeated, to which Hinami had vigorously nodded. "A-Alright, um, let me just let Haruna know," Kanako had said. Once she had done that, the two of them had gone off together down a couple of hallways before ending up on a staircase. "I-Is this where you normally eat?" Kanako asked. "O-Oh, n-no, um… I-I just kinda wanted t-to try it out…" Hinami had sputtered.

So, for a while, they sat on the stairs, silently eating their lunches. To Kanako, it definitely felt awkward. She wanted to be friends with Hinami, but wanting to be friends and actually going about it were two different things. "What should I say?" she wondered. "Do we have any common interests that we could talk about?" The first one that came to mind was Haruna, but Kanako quickly cleared that idea out of her mind. "No, that'd probably just make things weirder if we talked about her."

Then, as Kanako was thinking, she saw something that caught her eye. The staircase she and Hinami were sitting at wasn't too far from the cafeteria, and was actually along the way. Because of that, there were many people going back and forth between there and classrooms. Among them happened to be a group of girls that had one girl with a very distinctive hairstyle.

As the group walked by, the name of that girl slipped out of Kanako's mouth. "Mi-chan…" she said, quiet enough so that the girl couldn't hear. Although, the other girl next to her did. "M-Mi-chan?" Hinami repeated. "Huh?" Kanako let out, realizing she had said it out loud. "W-Who's that?" Hinami asked. "Ah…" Kanako said. "She's… she was my best friend…" "W-Was?" Hinami said. Kanako gave a slow nod. "We've… had a lot of fights recently… I'm not really sure if I can even say we're still friends anymore…"

For a moment, Hinami stared at Kanako before she fumbled for words. "I-Is it that bad? T-The fights you two had, I-I mean. S-Sorry, I don't mean to pry, b-but, you just seem so sad K-Kana-chan, a-and I want to help, i-if I can…" "Then can I ask you something?" Kanako said. Hinami nodded. "If you were friends with someone, and then you became friends with someone else, but that first friend didn't like the second person, but you wanted to stay friends with everyone, do you think it's possible to do that?"

"H-Huh?" Hinami let out, feeling very confused. "Sorry. T-That doesn't really make sense does it? Saying it out loud does make me realize how ridiculous it might sound though…" Kanako said. So, she decided to explain in full. How Michi had been her best friend. How Kanako had gotten reunited with Haruna. How Michi had been so against Haruna that she had even almost resorted to blackmail. And how everything between them just kept getting worse and worse, until finally Kanako had had enough.

"...and now here I am," Kanako said sadly. Despite everything that had happened, she still wanted to make up with Michi. The girl had done so much for her. She was someone that Kanako didn't want to lose, but Kanako also knew if she let things keep going the way they were, that would be exactly what would happen.

"W-Wow… I didn't know there was that much h-history between all of you," Hinami said. "Yeah…" was all Kanako could say. "B-But," Hinami went on. "I think… i-if you really want to be f-friends again, y-you should just talk to her." "Tried that, didn't work," Kanako said, face deadpanned. "O-Oh…" Hinami said. "T-Then maybe… it'll just take time." "Time?" Kanako repeated. "Mhm. S-Sometimes, things just work out with a bit of time. I-If you and Fukuhara-san have already made a strong bond, t-then I don't think t-that's something that can be easily broken with just a f-few fights."

Kanako thought for a moment, doing her best to take Hinami's words to heart. "...Thanks Hinami-chan. Maybe you're right." Then quietly to herself, Kanako added, "I hope you're right." Currently, Kanako was trying to just take things one thing at a time. Trying to fix her friendship with Michi while simultaneously trying to confess and potentially date Haruna felt like a bit too much to handle. If Hinami was right, then Kanako wouldn't have to worry about it. She could focus on Haruna and just let time handle Michi. "Although, maybe it's a little too lazy of me to just rely on the universe to fix everything…" she thought.

Soon enough, the bell rang, getting Hinami and Kanako to head back to their respective classrooms. They said their goodbyes, and as they did, Kanako had a realization. She had told quite a bit to Hinami about her personal problems. "Why did I tell her all of that?" she wondered. "I hope I didn't bother her…"

*****

The next morning, which was a Saturday, Kanako first heard her name being called. "Kanaaaa-chaaan," it said. "Kaaanaaa-chaaaan." The voice was sweet and warm, and in her half-asleep state, Kanako rolled over and moaned out the first name that came to mind. "Mmm… Haruna…" To her surprise however, the voice denied her guess. "Nooope," it said. Slowly, Kanako opened her eyes.

"Man, you really are like, totally adorbs when you're sleepin', just like Haru-chi said ya are," Chiyo said. "Gah!" Kanako exclaimed in shock. "C-C-C-CHIYO?!?!" "That's me!" the gal replied happily. "W-What are you doing in my room?!" Kanako yelled in a panic. "Your mama let me in," Chiyo said easily. Kanako let out a long sigh. "I'm going back to sleep." "Ah, wait Kana-chan!" Chiyo cried, but then she got a smirk on her face. "Or should I join you?"

Before Kanako could even get out an "Ah?" or a "Huh?" Chiyo was making herself comfortable under the same sheets. "Ahh, so nice and warm," she whispered sweetly, her face only centimeters away from Kanako's. "Isn't this cozy Kana-chan?" "It- um- w-well- ye-" Kanako sputtered. She was certainly in love with Haruna, there was no doubt about that. But, being so up close and personal with the beautiful gyaru Chiyo Wakabayashi was definitely enough to make Kanako flustered.

Soon enough though, Chiyo let up on her teasing and went to wait for Kanako downstairs. Eventually the girl in question trudged her way down, half-glaring at the gal now sitting on her couch. "I've been awake for 10 minutes, and I'm already exhausted," Kanako complained. "Maybe you should try going to bed earlier if you're that tired," Chiyo suggested. "Maybe you just have too much energy for your own good," Kanako muttered back.

Accepting that she was now awake early on a Saturday morning, plus that Chiyo was in her home, Kanako decided to sit down next to her. "So why are you here anyways?" she asked. "Well, I was just wonderin' how you're doing with planning your romantic night with Haru-chi," Chiyo explained. "Oh…" Kanako said. "Um, it's going… kind of well? Maybe? ...not really." "What's the problem?" Chiyo asked. "Well, I want to do it on Christmas, but I just can't seem to figure anything else out," Kanako said.

"Christmas huh? Yeah, that'll be perfect," Chiyo said with a satisfied look on her face. "But you said you can't find anything to do?" Kanako nodded. "I've looked everywhere, but most restaurants seem to be fully booked, and it's not like we have some big Christmas celebration here in Iwanai." "Hmm. Yeah, I can see how location is your biggest problem," Chiyo said.

In her free time, Kanako had searched all over the Internet and even made a few phone calls to see if she could get a reservation, but it seemed like no matter what she tried, nothing was working nor available. "If only we had a spot in town with some Christmas lights and a tree. That would be the perfect scene," Kanako said, just thinking out loud. However, that seemed to spark something in Chiyo.

"That's it!" she exclaimed. "W-What's it?" Kanako asked. "You just leave everything to me Kana-chan! I'll make sure Christmas night is unforgettable for both you and Haru-chi!" "C-Chiyo?" Kanako said. "You trust me, right?" the gal asked. "Y-Yeah, but that's not really-" But before Kanako could finish her sentence, Chiyo was on the move. "Alright, I gotta get going. Lots to do, y'know? See ya later Kana-chan!" And with that, she was gone.

All Kanako could do was stare. "Just as soon as she showed up, she left…" she muttered to herself. "And what's she going to do anyways?" Of course, Kanako had no answers, and now that the energy storm known as Chiyo was gone, a big yawn overtook Kanako. "I guess I'll just find out later. For now, I'm going back to bed."

End of Chapter Eighteen.