A Real Shit Day

Nothing went right today for her. The spirits she usually could keep at bay called and begged for attention as she tried to just pretend to be normal for a second. And worst of all on top of that the nagging longing was there filled with tears and a kind mix of love ever present from her omnipresent friend as usual. She usually tried not to acknowledge him as it generally made her question her own sanity for way longer than she would like but sometimes on a bad day like today she indulged in the comfort. The silent knowing that someone cared even if she couldn't see them, she could feel it. On his worse days she gave in too knowing the gentle, yet loving embrace of care satisfied his need too but most days she would let him suffer. Why should she be concerned by the judgmental prick that most times judged her hair and pockets. Definitely the pockets. She had never felt so much envy and hate as she had since meeting him. The people in her world around her carried so much judgement for someone who obviously never asked to be in their circle. It was always the little things. The weird feelings and knowing of someone going out of their way to make a small comment that could have been kept to themselves almost as if they wanted me to know they are here and they are watching. What was the end goal she wondered. Were these people hired plants or family members convinced of some pyramid scheme plot that she had to somehow Undermind their family riches. Well she had to figure out how to set that up and then do the hard work of running it let alone accomplish the very goal in the long run which all just made her tired thinking about it. What a waste of time and resources especially over me she thought. You would think that after 180 days of constant watching and stalkerish tendencies and coming up clean one would just leave the target be but no not this one. Apparently he doesn't give up that easy and how much is he paying them? I wonder how the conversation got started. Hey man so I got this girl I'd like you to tail and harass and I'll give you 100,000 to keep. Any decent living or breathing soul would refuse so he's got to be going to the underbelly of society to get these creeps and anybody willing to do this is either dangerous or crazy or hell I guess it would have to be both. What does one do when you are stuck like glue to a criminal. Well she would keep living was the only suggestions she could think of. Surviving on her own was the best revenge she could think of. Try and find a way to get from under his thumb but even then would she be released from him being in her head? She tried several different ways to advance and take back her life but every time it failed she couldn't shake the nagging feelings or questions that floated around in her head of whether this was truly her fault and she wasn't good enough or was this him blocking her blessings. Some times the angels would step in and let her know that somethings just weren't on the right path for her and those comforts helped keep the anxiety at bay. Other times when the opportunities were blocked and no explanation came she cried and convinced herself she didn't really want it. Mostly just to stay sane and not fight the wind as she had no idea how to fight back. Its like chasing the wind or fighting a shadow that's enjoying the game of cat and mouse. I wonder how much pleasure the cat gets from releasing the mouse only to trap it again and again. Is it the look of fear that gives it pleasure or the slow to fast drum beating of the heart that gets him off. Either way creep was the only suggested title she could give to those type of thoughts and the people that carried them. Who would have thought one night could have ruined her life and now she had to spend what seemed like eternity paying the price with tax I might add as her personal space wasn't off limits either. I can't run home she thought there is truly no comfort there she thought as she tried to find a safe space to just truly feel the pain of the day. She had her own problems and now here was a whole nother world coming and seeking her to carry their problems.