April Fool Chapter

It was a strange place, a place that defied the mundane idea what could be real. It was the place, the laws of reality went, if they wanted to get falling down drunk. It was a place where the question of when was meaningless, where tomorrow's future was yesterday's past. It was a place outside of space and time, a place located in the fleeting moments between dreams and reality, it was a place where reality was as malleable as ideas and change as natural as shapes in the clouds. It was unbound by whatever rules bound the countless, infinite universes that sprang into existence and vanished into nothingness around it. And it was the only place where you could get a good cup of coffee.

It was the Everwhere Cafe and Diner.

It was a normal tuesday at the Everwhere Cafe, as it was always tuesday, the usual suspects had received the drinks they would order later, when a long anticipated surprise occured. Reality seemed to choke on something, so Space-Time gave her a few slaps on the back, to help her clear the airways, when in the arrival area, two newcomers appeared. They seemed to be unused to the intricacies of extra-multiversal travel and landed in an awkward heap, before sorting their limbs out, making sure that the limbs they had, were similar to those they were supposed to have and wondering why they had a taste of eucalyptus in their mouth.

One of the newcomers was a petite female, her skin shifting between a pale white and a bluish hue, as her ears were switching between being pointed and not, all interspersed with short moments in which she was something entirely different. Something far larger but still taking up the same space, something equipped with vicious claws.

The other was a gallant old man with an impressive beard that was almost two meters tall, shifting between that and a beautiful young girl with modest breast wearing a beautiful white robe. Their eyes held a certain majesty and pride in them, prompting all who see them to feel fear and awe. Behind this second figure the space continued to distort as if trying to eject this invader but lacking the power to do it. Also, of note was that for some reason the drink of the nearest customer had soured and the salad al fresco that he was eating had rotted into goop.

When both had managed to collect their thoughts and limbs, the maitre d' approached them, a silhouette covered by a strange, shimmering veil, looking as if it had been woven from starlight and the twinkle in a mischievous child's eye.

"Greetings, Newcomers. I welcome you to Neverwhere Cafe and I hope you will enjoy your stay." the silhouette said, a voice that echoed in ways that should not be.

"Greetings. Where am I?" the first newcomer, whose form had stabilized into the appearance of a pale humanoid with long, raven-black hair and purple eyes, asked.

"Why, you are visiting the Everwhere Cafe, the best place to get a cup of coffee if you stumbled out of your universe."

Both newcomers were now looking around, trying to make sense of their surroundings. It was not easy, as the surroundings had the annoying habit to shift upon observance, shift into something that might make sense to the observer.

At one table, close to them, two human-looking beings argued animatedly. One of them looked female, maybe a meter and seventy tall, with short, black hair clad in a black lab-coat and wearing a pair of stylish glasses, the other a dour looking man, wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a maroon tie and it looked as if the woman wanted to strangle the man.

"Now, why don't you explain to me why there are so many damage-claims that we need to pay out? I know you had full coverage with our 'Mad Science' insurance package, but we need to make sure that everything is in order." the man tried to reason.

"I was studying zero-time and its effect on hyperspace. I managed to fabricate a moment that was unlinked from space-time and directly into hyperspace, creating effectively an area that was not part of space-time. That resulted in a huge influx of hyperspace-energy into normal-space, which in turn resulted in the rapid expansion of the newly formed space-time…" the woman tried to explain in an exasperated voice.

The mysterious old man had now fully turned into a blonde haired girl and was rubbing her chin as she regarded the place with mild curiosity. Her manly mannerisms as she wandered around as if she owned the place drew some attention from the both the female and male patrons.

She half-heartedly listened to the conversation of the two creatures with mild interest. What drew her attention the most was the building itself.

"Hmm, curious. This style of building is not one I am used to. And that...drink," she lapped the air with her tongue. "So fragrant, what is that?"

"That is a Micro-Lot blend of an extinct Costa Rican La Roja beans and the finest batch of Kilimanjaro beans in existence. Very precious," the maitre'd said with pride.

"Interesting names. I don't understand all of it but I'd like one please. Oh, and her share too.What do you expect as payment?" she asked, knowing that one had to be careful when dealing with Elder Beings, their bargains often came with unseen strings attached.

"Do you accept gold?" she asked, pulling out a pouch from her sleeves.

"No gold. As you can see, this is not a place where gold has any merit. However, you will already have paid, when you come here."."

"And what price would that be? The chains of Bhavacakra still has its hold on me. And my guts tell me that owing you is like a binding of fate. How about a Longevity Pill then? One pill could prolong a mortal's life by a hundred years."

The Maitre'd took the violet colored pill the girl offered and regarded it with a critical eye.

"Very well, one can never have enough baubles. Please have a seat."

As the strange creature left, the blonde girl pulled up a chair on a table and said. "Please."

"Why, thank you kindly." The first being said with a smile, gave a slight bow and sat, observing the surroundings.

"I like to show women some appreciation. Especially one with such rare beauty. Whether they accept or not, it is another thing entirely."

The girl sat on the other chair and rolled her sleeves up to her elbows before taking a piece of bread on the table.

"My name is Wang Tian Gu/Cornelia. Hmm, let me try that again. Wang Tian Gu/ Cornelia. Hoh, that's weird. When I say my name, I hear two things. What about you?"

"You can call me Morgana/Titania/Samantha." As she introduced herself, not just one, but four sounds came out at once, three voices and a deep, dangerous growl, clearly not made for a human throat, causing her to cough.

"This will take some getting used to." With a frown, she looked up, towards the bar and a small squeak escaped her lips. The bartender reminded her of something she had not yet seen, something that was trying to squeeze into a dimension too small for it, a nightmare of tentacles, power and madness.

"An odd thing, isn't he? I see no bounds of karma on him. That means he has never given or taken from anything in the universe. Or the universe does not know he exists. Yet he is no god or demon, for he has none of the Four Noble Truths. For such a being, of course that pill is a bauble. Just like a sword skill is worthless in the face of one who has reach One with the Sword state."

"But you...the chain of Bhavacakra wraps itself around you like a vice. So much pain, hatred, and anger. And yet there is also love and happiness," the girl scoffed. "Heaven is truly cruel."

"I see you're a smart girl. And as one smart girl/man to another, I'm sure worthless topics like the weather is uninteresting. Especially not when we are sitting here with the world in chaos outside," she leaned forward conspiratorially. "So let's have a conversation. I promise I won't take you home and practice dual cultivation with you."

"Ah, and here comes our order. Have you ever drunk this...koffie?"

"Coffee, and yes, I have, but it's been a while. And I doubt you could take me home, even if I were to let you. Which I would not, for I am very much taken by another and I would fight gods and destroy worlds for her."

The conversation was stalled by the arrival of the drinks. The being with four names raised the cup to her lips, sniffed for a moment and smiled.

"I truly don't know how long it has been. Or how long it will be, however that works in this place." With those words, she took a sip and her smile was quickly replaced with a pained frown. "Damnation, I am no longer used to hot drinks."

For a second, she just glared at the cup, before holding the spoon upright in the cup and her glare changed for a moment, as power welled up and the liquid turned into a popsicle. Pulling the coffee-popsicle out of the cup, she daintily lapped at it with a slightly burned tongue, enjoying the soothing cold.

Cornelia sipped the drink and enjoyed the unfamiliar aroma, finding that analyzing the complex taste as enjoyable as dissecting a powerful poison. She then poured a handful of pills from inside her sleeves.

"These are some snacks I have. Rejuvenating Pills, Beautifying Pills, Soul Destroying Pills, and Dragonslaying Poison Pill. Pick your poison."

"Dragonslaying Poison? Oh, the hubris." she glanced at the pills and a blood red, pulsating radiance enveloped them. "But maybe not just hubris. You do have the skills to back it up. I think I will take this one, even if I was taught to never accept candy from strangers."

With these words, she takes one of the Rejuvenating Pills and pops it in her mouth. "Sadly, I don't think we can take anything back with us. The feeling of power inside you and your pills is just a tad different from the power that governs the place where I come from. There would be a rejection and I don't think either of us would survive the rejection of a universe. Or if we did, that the universe would survive the backlash."

The Rejuvenating Pill had a gentle herb taste. It was the sensation that was prevalent. Like chewing a gentle Summer Breeze. The moment the pill dissolved in her mouth, a feeling like having bathed in a refreshing cold water and enjoying a nice warm sauna enveloped her. She almost uttered a moan, but managed to hide it well.

"But your candy does taste interesting. I would be remiss not to offer something in return." With that, she pulls a small, perfectly round, ruby out of a small pouch at her waist.

"Here, enjoy." with these words, she handed the gem over.

The blonde girl regarded the gem and played with it using her long, prehensile tongue. Juggling it with an audible noise before gulping it down.

The moment the ruby entered her mouth a sensation unlike everything she had felt before entered her mouth. A cool, almost freezing feeling spread from her tongue, as if she was tasting the very essence of ice itself, but mixed into the ice was a faint taste of iron, with a rich, earthy underlying taste, reminiscent of endless pine-forests. But it was not a physical taste per-se, it just presented to her senses as such, in reality it was something deeper, something more primal, the gem contained the essence of life itself, slowly spreading into her body.

"Interesting. Very interesting," Connie savored the taste with a smile. "But this is not a man made thing, is it? This kind of purity cannot come from human hand. Unless they have reached my level."

"Well, we all have our own specialities. You are no doubt very good at alchemy and while I have dabbled, it is just not my thing. However, I am excellent when it comes to enchanting, especially blood-enchanting. What you just tasted was more a plaything of mine, the condensed essence of a woodland-beast sealed in ice. I greatly enjoy the sensation and it is very easy on the figure, you know?"

Connie did not reply the query as she was savoring the taste. The old man who was her slept with his eyes closed, remembering the taste that awakened a happy feeling inside him. It was the taste that reminded him of Fei. Sadly, the memory ebbed to and fro, shaken by the uncertainty governing the place.

Suddenly, at the other end of the bar, Continuity was waking up from a nap, looking around and realising that something was not quite right, that some beings had slipped the grasp of linearity and had arrived somewhere they should not be. Obviously, that could not be tolerated, the timelines could get tangled and poor Causality would feel violated once more. If that happened again, there would be an army of blue birds, chirping metoo, metoo and undoubtedly, a lawsuit would sure follow. No, best to make sure nothing of that sort happened.

A quick look to the barkeeper and the maitre d' summoned the powers that were, are and will be, asking them to use their unique abilities to banish the escaped beings back to their own place in space and time, taking away the memories of the strange events that had taken place.

Hopefully without causing madness. But mortal minds had often problems when faced with beings such as them. Oh, well, neither of the mortals could claim to be totally sane anyway, so maybe nobody would spot the difference.