DOUBTFUL MEMORIES 

'Calm down, Neirin. Let's think this matter over again.'

She mumbled to herself repeatedly as Neirin tried to gain composure and leaned on the tub. Neirin felt the warm water comforting her. Its warmth was telling Neirin that she was living in the present. That she was here and not anywhere else.

She then brushed her hair and looked at the ceiling, counting the different paintings she saw and letting her mind wander as she recalled her memories.

Neirin was an orphan. Sadly, She was only a child when she realized that.

The orphanage she was in was nothing grand; no, it was the opposite of grand. It was horrible as the adults there treated children like slaves and animals. They beat the children up even though the children weren't doing anything.

Neirin often saw a child covered in bruises as that child tried her hardest not to cry, for if she did, she would be beaten again.

At a young age, Neirin learned to protect herself.

She taught herself how to read books and learn how to survive using people's emotions toward her. At her young age, Neirin dreamed of becoming someone important, at the very least, someone who people cannot look down upon.

With all of her experience and what she had seen, being important was something that would save her from the harsh world. She won't be helpless like how she was when she was in the orphanage.

She wanted to live her life without any worries and wanted to experience the power of money.

That was in her mind as she grew up. It taught her many things.

By the time she reached the age of adulthood, Neirin had left the orphanage without any word. She left and tried to observe the world in the first few months. She was barely an adult, and even though she heard different stories from the adults around her, she wanted to experience them herself. She wanted to draw a conclusion on how she will live from now on.

It was horrible.

The world was in a state of slavery. Their master was the so-called "Money." Those gold pounds glimmered when the light of the sun reflected on them.

Neirin observed that people would die and risk their families just to have a few pieces of this "Money." Although Neirin concluded that it was terrible and disgusting, she was not an exemption.

She loved money.

When she realized she could almost buy anything if she just had those gold pounds, she was obsessed with earning it and possessing it. However, like a little child, her dreams were crushed right after applying for a job.

She was considered as someone not needed, not literate, and fragile, which would only burden those who hired her.

At the very least, Neirin wanted to become a decent human being working for the money she wanted to spend. She wanted to become "better" compared to the adults she grew up with. But whenever she was rejected and humiliated by the people around her, especially those nobles, she threw some of her beliefs away and learned how to steal.

She has different faces and learned to blend well in the crowd.

Her target would always be nobles. Whether they were men or women, it didn't matter to her as long as she could eat for that night and spend some money on the things she wanted.

She was happy with how simple and easy it was.

Her life continued like that for how many years. However, like saving grace, the former duke of the Halstead duchy found her and proposed a deal for her.

It was a deal involving life.

It was about her and Vincent. It's about how she needed to sacrifice many things for him in return for money, fame, and even wealth. It was an unfair deal right from the very start. However, before Neirin could even disagree, the duke mentioned her parents.

As someone who lived with curiosity and someone who wanted to know who was her parents, for she wanted to ask them the reason for leaving her, hearing such information made Neirin speechless and desperate.

She thought she had already let go of her resentment about them, but she was only a child back then and wanted to ask why.

Neirin took her time thinking about the deal.

In the end, she agreed.

In the long run, Neirin was blinded and intoxicated by the power her position has. Although she had an idea that her life would be easier when she became a noble, she never thought it would drive her into her own ruin.

After the duke died, Neirin wanted to monopolize the position she was holding. She saw Vincent as nothing but a nuisance-someone who had everything and didn't deserve what he had, for he had never done anything to deserve it.

She plotted his death and downfall. She thought that that would be easy, but then, she died. Horribly so.

But how?

That was the question, How?

Heaving her breath, Neirin stood up on the tub after washing herself. She grabbed a towel and dried her whole body before changing herself into a comfortable nightgown. Under the illumination of the moon outside, Neirin was again stuck in her thoughts.

Neirin can still remember the important past events that happened to her in her previous life.

She remembered how Vincent acted and how he wanted to defend what was meant for him in the first place. Neirin wanted the luxury she had before and was desperate for it.

Neirin remembered a few sequences in the future. She remembered the serial killings, but Neirin did not really pay any attention to them, which she regrets now. She remembered the guild masters of the court of miracles and recognized the important events that happened there.

She tried to influence them. She saw their potential and wanted to bring them over to her side, but they were loyal to the blood of Halsteads.

She killed the crown prince after learning that he and Vincent had teamed up to fight her and removed her from her position. She then killed all the vassals that raised their opposition to her.

In the past, Neirin tried her best to cut off Vincent's forces and wings. She even monopolized the library of the court of miracles to blackmail important and influential figures in the past.

She was almost there. Everything was in her grasp.

However, as she was busy with her greed, the territory was hit by an epidemic and famine. There were even rumors about curses. The territory of the Halsteads was in chaos, and people suffered greatly because of her greed.

Hence, she decided to end their war more quickly than before. It would be meaningless for her after going through the effort of monopolizing and swallowing the Halstead duchy if the people in the territory died. She has plans for them.

In those times, She confronted Vincent, who was in the middle of arranging his engagement for political power.

She arranged a meeting for them wanting to betray him. She had plans, but, like a blank space in her mind, her memories were cut in that specific place, and all she could remember was blood pooling on the floor, and she was telling her regrets.

Why?

Why did her memories stop at that point?

Neirin was growing more and more anxious as time passed by. The moon looked a bit kind right now that she was feeling melancholy. Was there something she needed to be done to retrieve those memories? Or will it be forever lost in her mind like a secret that will never be revealed?

Neirin doesn't want to die anymore. Unlike before, she wanted to experience the world after fulfilling her promise. She wanted to know her past and her parents. She wanted to see the reason why she was alive right now and why she was given another chance.

Or was she really just overthinking things? What is the truth? Her memories? What is it?

In the end, Neirin went to bed, putting her anxiety aside since she didn't have that much luxury of time.

The serial killings were still haven't solved. Many people wanted her downfall, and the emperor saw her as nothing but a powerful pawn.

This was her atonement. She should endure this.

--

First thing in the morning, Neirin was woken up by a knock on the door. Her lady-in-waiting informed her that the emperor wanted her presence in the dining room, for he invited Neirin for breakfast.

Neirin pursed her lips, wanting to throw a tantrum that she was tired and wanted to rest, even if it was just another hour.

However, she remembered that the emperor had been waiting for her since last night. Hence, she stood up, got ready and headed to the dining room, following a servant.

Most nobles seemed to be still asleep as the hallway from her room to the dining room was empty.

The servant knocked as soon as they arrived in a double-door room, informing the emperor that she had arrived. The door soon opened. Neirin saw the emperor was already seated and the food was already prepared.

"I am waiting, duchess. Please have a sit."

Neirin complied. The servant present pulled her a chair near the emperor and prepared her plate. As Neirin patiently waited, she went straight to the point, asking about the emperor's motive in today's breakfast.

"Is there a reason your majesty asked me to accompany you to your breakfast?"

The emperor paused. He leaned on his chair as he heaved his breath. Something must be weighing inside his mind right now.

Neirin was curious as to what it was. The servant finished preparing her food. She gracefully cut the bread and put it in her mouth, waiting for the emperor's answer. She doesn't have much thoughts in her mind. Hence, she was surprised when the emperor raised a topic she was curious about.

"What is your opinion on the magic research of this empire?"

The topic caught Neirin's attention as she asked, "Magic Research, your majesty?"

The emperor nodded. He looks so serious. "Yes."

--