Memories and Dreams

Remembering those days, I could see clearly as the things that happened were so preposterous. That scary cold barged in my bones and it seemed to be going to shatter my body into ice crystals. And if yesterday I was only in the worst day of my life, now I think that I'm going to die.

…

When I woke up, the sun was already shining high. I didn't even remember going to bed. Of course that, locked inside this room, I did not have too many choices of what to do to spend my time besides sleeping. And now that I came to think about it, it was even comic how I got myself into this situation.

More or less four months ago I started to have those weird daydreams and, sometimes, some scary ones. It wouldn't became a huge problem - after all, everyone has some nightmares sometimes — if I hadn't started messing around, mistaking some of those nightmares with reality. Suddenly I started to have memories of things that I have never done and places that I've never went to.

Sometimes I needed even recall just who I was… I, Alésia Latrell, the most normal creature that have ever walked over Sátie. Not that I had the honor of be a normal girl of the boring kind, because I had my moments, but I really not wanted destek myself now by wing a reputation of crazy liar.

At the beginning of the week, my mother dragged me to the psychiatrist to do some exams. Just for the basic description of my "symptoms", He said that was likely I had schismophemia.

I did not agreed. But… I too didn't had any reason to disagree. It was really a problem those memory lapses episodes and changings of behavior, and most cases, memories of things that had never happened, sometimes feeling like I wasn't my real self.

If at least I had kept my mouth shut…

After some unfortunate comments I did about some things that never happened to me, I managed to gather a significant amount of bad reputation. Than after being admitted to a psychiatric clinic, I really was going to be called a crazy for shure, and that would completely rewrite my interpretation of social hell, that if I still had any social life.

A complete waste: I wasn't a bad girl, and even wasn't ugly.

When I got up from the bed, and looked myself in the mirror of the hospital apartment, I could see my look, that I never had to complain. I always liked my short brown hair its slightly wavys. I had cute cheeks and a caramel like skin… I even have a nice body, despite being short! I also never had any weird or abnormal tastes and no one never said that I was boring.

Gosh, I was normal, with a normal life and normal dreams. But unfortunately to end over my peace, those unhappy "lie" moments had to happen.

Who in their right mind tell lies?

Although they think I'm not a sane person anymore. Nowadays, with so many cameras everywhere, where everything is recorded and can be accessed to confirm or deny, lying is the end of the line. The threshold of unethical behavior. Everyone know this. It's basically attempting social suicide, cause if anyone be caught lying, that person would be demoralized forever, and sometimes even jail happens.

And, for my personal glory, I was caught "lying". I mean, I didn't had that intention… why I would want this? But I too didn't had how to deny every single time I opened my mouth to speak about certains subjects, the informations simply went out, naturally, and they gave me a confusing sensation that mixed my reality with those dreams.

I never went to the scorching plains of the deserts from Galic 6, or to the fourteenth oficial planet from the Imperial Conglomerate of the Galaxy, or even enjoyed the view of the cliffs from Métis, but when the subject emerged, I simply needed to gave those informations from those places that I never went or researched about. Why did I not shut up?? And who would believe that I didn't had the intention to lie? Even myself, when those situations occurred could fell.. I could believe that I was telling the truth, even after facing the fact that I never left my homeworld, Sátie… How could I possible insist that I was not going nuts?

My family never had financial conditions to spent with so many interplanetarys trips, so, even if I didn't had went after trouble,as soon as my colleagues realized this huge hole in my stories, they brought the troubles after me. And I really was so dumb, because on the start, I didn't realised that they became to enjoy my delusions and laugh at me. Until they start to do this in the open and "unmasked" me on the hall of the school, for everyone that didn't realised to see.

It hurt only by remembering. Those stupid hypocrites… Yet it was also my fault. I gave to them the freedom to do those mean things, and the worst is that I had to admit, that if this didn't had happened to me, I probably would be laughing behind some poor thing who would be suffering from the same illness.

Even worse, before they considered my insanity, they were thinking that I was just lying around. Be a lier was pretty much worse than be a crazy person.

When Alya, my mother, received the first notification from the school warning about my "subversive behavior", my influence of "harmful interest to other youngsters", and "proven untruth nature"... Ah… I had never seen someone so furious. Every single privilege that I had was taken away, and according to her promises, I would be grounded forever, even when I become old enough to live alone.

I couldn't login my iLife account anymore, and had had my personal Link to access the macronet taken away. Only that was enough to decret a tragic and fulminante social death to anyone. And I even had permission to went out from home besides going to school. And de school had send expressed requirements that no one should never seen me expressing myself in public or trying talk to any classmate about my "ideas" — and I even didn't recall of doing something like this.

So after those couple of months having to hear jokes from those imorals that call themselves my friend before, I started to loose my temper.

Not that I had being someone violent before in any moment of my life, but I wasn't death to hear the provocations from Ananias whispering in my ear that I should give my "lying and disgusting opinion" about the Great Xenophobic War, caused by the repudiation from the immigration of the Brard races from the Jomons races planets, the two big racials groups of humans in the galaxy, the subject from Contemporary History taught by the professor Edson that moment.

I not even stopped to think about it — despite that I really had my only delusioned conception about the war, with was different from the didactic version presented in the class — I simply I threw myself at him, and tried with all my might to completely deform that greasy and useless thing that he called of face using my nails.

Of course, Ananias needed to be immediately sended to the emergency room with a black eye growing significantly above his cheeks full of bloody scratches, further tree more classmates and the professor, that needed to make some effort to get me out of him. They also couldn't escape from my dangerous blind nails.

Of course that I had to apologise with the professor. Of course that I didn't apologise with the others — they all deserve some pain. And, of course that I was lucky enough for then do not file a complaint against me. And of course that the school rectory sended a severe notification to my mother recommending a psychiatrist. And, of course… I was expelled from the school.

What else I could do besides regret and mock myself? I even do not wanted to show my face again in public.

In the psychiatrist hospital, a nurse brought me a tasteless breakfast and put it on the table near the door. She doesn't even speak to me and avoided show up when I was awake. For shure getting hospitalized was the worst metode of punishment that mother though besides being grounded forever. Two days had already passed, and needer she or my brother Alan came to see me. I bet that she didn't even warned my father, Daril.

But today, the doctor would bring the results of the exams, that probably would confirm that I suffered from some grave behavioral deviance, even if it wasn't schizophrenia. I couldn't say that I wasn't anxious. The alternative is to confirm that I was a liar.

I turned myself to the window, wondering where was the place showed for it today. They never shouse good landscapes to show. Today, the window had bring a simple and bland garden, with a high wall near the end.

Sight, I was so bored, and herd the camera turn off. It always followed me when I moved myself, fluctuating a couple meters above my head. I guess I would never had the right to try achieve some privacy anymore in my whole life. If I could call life what would come up from here. So I got up and went to the table eat something, remotely aware of the camera following me.

I would love to ask to the nurse to turn up the temperature from my room, if she gave me the luxury of addressing me.

I was freezing in that room, so I was certain that she should put something in my food to make me feel like that. I was always so cold and sleepy, that just after finish have my meal, I would sleep until the next meal. So even if she show some interest to talk to me, I would be off.

Mother came one hour early for the medical appointment. I really didn't thought that she would spent time to visit myself, but here she was, with a face of someone that would prefer to be going to some war than in this place with me. She put her bag in the table and got near. She didn't said anything. Neder do I. Se only looked me up to the bottom sometimes, so mumbled orders in her personal Link, and went out from the room.

I could curse using all the bad words I knew, if not for that damned camera. It was too frustrating that even my own mother do not talked to me. And what the hell was wrong with this place? Why it was alway so cold?

I started to walk around trying to warm myself a little bit… it was when I thought for the first time that this universe hated me.

Out of nowhere - and I say: really nowhere! - the things started to explode inside the room.

First the camera, next the window, and next all the electronic monitoring machines in the bed, even my mother bag. It began to rain shards and sparks and smithereens everywhere.

"What a hell?" I cringed with my arms over my head and started yelling for help. But what a joke yell for help in a psychiatric hospital! It was common hear the other patients screaming for nothing sometimes. They wouldn't come fast, cause they would probably think it was some other crazy going nuts. But I was hoping that they would come soon, because of the noise from the explosions that wore lound.

The bed was starting to get on fire when two nurses came first. One of then started to ask for help in her personal Link and the other grabbed me from out of the room. Soon, more and more employees showed up from everywhere, some securities and a lot of curious.

I was trembling, my body was completely covered of shards from the window. Another nurses that I didn't met before came and held me by the arms, escorting me until an empty ward.

"What have you done?" I heard one of the ask.

"I didn't d-d-did anything! All those stuffs started to explode… I even don't know what j-j-just happened!" I stuttered.

They didn't believed. Of course they didn't believed. I recall the camera that exploded first. Why it happened to be the first? My skin was aching by the scratching caused from the shards from the window. I still could hear the people rushing outside and the others employees trying to contain the problem.

"Tell us exactly what just happened!" required a newcomer, with a firm voice. I looked to him. He was wearing a doctor uniform.

"I d-don't know! I got up t-trying to warm myself, and out of-f-f nowhere, everything started to explode…" even my voice was trembling "Why is so cold in here?"

Those trê inside the room faced each other with resignation. The nurse that was near the door even shake his head denying. I waited to the doctor to speak, scared, confused and breaking apart of cold.

"The temperature here is acceptable. It's always adjusted around 22ºC during the day, just like now. It isn't doing any cold." He explained in a calm and comprehensive voice, just like those ones who explain things to spoiled childrens, that they have to stop messing up. "Wait a moment, I'll came back in some minutes…" he said bringing with him the two others nurses.

He was probably telling some instruction for them, that the judged that I could not hear. I'm really in big problems. And I was realy with too much cold. So when I thought that I couldn't handle anymore, I heard some strong cracks from the electronic machines exploding again near me inside this room. I could only close my eyes and shrink hoping not be hitted for and other shard.

So then, I guess that I simply passed out while I felt being sucked by a huge ice cold.