1 F x Encounter

Human relationships are so fragile. Just one wrong move and everything that you've built up your entire life will be left to ruins. This form of connection is the result of our society's upbringing. It forces one to conform to what the norm is starting from early childhood up to adulthood. We often do not realize that a common belief is a hundred times more deadly than a taboo.

Our understanding of what we want is pretty much influenced hardly by our peers. What do I want? What can I become? What is it that can make me happy? A lot of dreams crash when it comes face-to-face with this so-called self-concept. Instead of trying to act based on what is good for oneself, we try to fit ourselves towards what others want us to be. Self-befitting had solely been one-sided from the very beginning and will surely be the cause of one's regret.

Youth, if I may say, is a good example. This is the exact time when people mostly experience an identity crisis, self-rebuke, or self-deprecation. A moment in time in which we are most sensitive and prone to outside interference. We build our social and inner sides of ourselves to cater to our needs. Needs that carry our current sense and needs that direct our development.

The only way to relieve yourself from this stupid system is by going against it. You need not worry about what others will think about your actions and just be true to yourself. What is being true to oneself is anyway?

Chapter I: F x Encounter

I got lost in my line of thought. I realized that these things that I've been thinking of are far from what it actually is. A 17th-century philosopher, Rene Descartes, father of modern philosophy, once said, "I think therefore I am". What he said can also be translated to, "I doubt therefore I am". I ask again to myself.

"What is being true to oneself? If I have the freedom to doubt anything, then there's no such thing called being true to oneself. If I have the freedom to choose and act the way I want, isn't that also being true to oneself? People tell you to just be yourself but, how can such a vague phrase be of any value? Is it telling us to understand and find it ourselves? How can we find the meaning of it if everything we know can be doubted?"

I clenched my fist and punched the air. I felt the coldness of the wind. I was lying down on my bed in the comforts of my blanket. It was a very cold night. It's currently the winter season and we are currently on our winter break. Just like a normal person, from time to time, we have questions in our minds and even someone like me wouldn't be able to escape such an innate human experience.

"I guess I'll let the future me take over all of these questions."

I said as I fell asleep.

We humans seem to love enjoying our time. Just like an average person, leisure is quite a pleasure.

Morning came and it was on the 20th of December. I really had nothing much to do than eat some food and watch TV so I decided to go out.

"Mom, I'll be going out. I'll be back before lunchtime."

Okay, take care. Also, can you get us some eggs in the supermarket before you go home? We are running out of eggs to cook for breakfast."

"Okay, I will."

My mother knows that I am already capable of going out myself without her by my side. I'm already 17 years old and my birthday is also close by. I'll be 18 this coming February and I guess I really need to think about what I want to do in the future.

I head to the mall's arcade first to spend some time.

"It sure is good that the arcade is open at this time and maybe all-time during Christmas Eve. I guess there are actually some who would spend their time in the arcade during Christmas Eve."

He looked around the place for a while and saw that there were a lot of people. He thought to himself if perhaps these people are actually being true to themselves. They all look happy and there are also a lot of couples spending their time just hanging out and playing to their heart's content.

He went to sit on a racing car game and started playing.

"I can do this, 1 more lap! Mmmm… I can do thi…sss…. It's so close! *SIGH*, I almost won first place, ahahah."

The thrill he got while playing, he knew it was genuine but, is it considered being true to himself? Yes, I had fun but choosing to play the game, enjoying it while playing, and having to think about it can all be subjected to doubt. Did I really wish for all these things? Does being conscious of choosing to do it be considered true to myself? Or should I be unconscious in what I do to consider things to be genuinely what I want?

He knew that he was being an idiot at that time. Any ordinary person would easily accept the facts that are being handed to him on a silver platter. It is innate for humans to seek for something more and find meaning in things. If being an idiot would help him sate that hunger for meaning, then he would gladly reassess and doubt the things that are easily handed to him.

He spent around an hour playing in the arcade before going to the mall.

"Uhm, one blueberry cheesecake ice cream, please. The solo one."

"Ah yes, one blueberry cheesecake ice cream coming right up."

He went straight to the food court. It was still 10 am in the morning and even though it was cold and inappropriate for the occasion, he craved for an ice cream. The ice cream was ready, so he grabbed it and paid for it before leaving the food court. He found a seat near the middle of the mall and sat there to enjoy his ice cream.

"In order for a person to work he needs some fuel. What best to make someone do their best then to give them their favorite food? Well, I guess this is an exception to what I was thinking earlier. I want to enjoy this with my utmost participation."

While he was eating, a person noticed what he was eating and gladly went to talk to him."Where can I get that?"

"Uhm, on the left side part near the bakery in the food court."

"Ow thank you, I kind of crave for something like that right now."

He didn't realize ahead but, the person was wearing their school uniform. So he asked.

"Wha, why are you wearing our school uniform? Aren't classes suspend this winter break?"

"Ow, so you're also from Se't Creads University. Nice to meet you. My name is Kuruki Kuki. Feel free to call me Kuki."

"Ku… Kuki? I swear I've heard that name before from school. Wait, don't tell me, are you the vice president of the student council?"

"Yes, I am. I actually was about to grab something to eat and head back to school right after."

"Why are you going to school?"

"Well, there's a lot of stuff to do and the student council is helping the teachers sort out a lot of mess that had happened the whole school year. That's why I'm going to school. We will be free starting on the 23rd of December so it's fine. I'll be going then."

"Wait, can, can I come with you?"

"I guess it should be fine but if you want to come you need to help out also, okay."

"Okay, sure."

He didn't have much to do anyway so he decided to help out. It would also be a good way for him to immerse himself in different situations for him to understand what it means to be true to oneself. The two grabbed an ice cream from the food court and went to the school.

"I forgot to ask. What is your name?"

"Ow, I'm sorry, you already told me yours and I still have yet to introduce myself. My name is Riyurie Ryu. Feel free to call me Ryu."

"Well then, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ryu."

The two went to the Student Council room first so he could meet the president.

"Pres., I brought someone to help."

"Oh wow, really? I didn't think someone would want to waste their holiday as much as we do."

"Nice joke pres. Ahahah really… nice joke… hehehe… hehe… he…."

"My name is Sorein Ray. What's your name?"

"I'm Riyurie Ryu. It's a pleasure meeting you President. You're pretty famous on the campus so you didn't have to introduce yourself."

"Well, it's common courtesy to introduce yourself first if you want to know the other person."

They talked about what's currently happening and how he can help. He was then assigned to help with sorting out the papers in the room beside the faculty office. They head out to where they were assigned.

"Well, I guess we better get off to work."

"By the way vice pres. Where are you assigned?"

"Oh, I'm assigned to the 3rd-floor supplies office. Also, I think you have someone with you who was assigned also to the same spot. She also volunteered to help out, what a good girl just like you. Ahahah."

"You really are a happy-go-lucky person, vice pres."

"Ow, do I really look like it? heheheh, thank you for your compliment."

"Yes, you always have this big smile on your face whenever you speak. You also laugh a lot and are quite positive even though things don't favor you that much. You're a kind girl who just likes to help out and also someone who can easily talk to people whenever you want to. In other words, you're a very bright and cheerful person."

He didn't realize that what he said was somewhat quite observant. It really is from the heart if one was to describe where it came from.

"I, I didn't think that you would be this upfront to tell something like that to a girl. If I weren't your senior I would totally go out with you on the spot. Ahahaha"

"Well, I don't want to lie. And if it's something pleasant, isn't it better to be heard."

"I guess you have a point. Well, we are already here. I'll be going now to the supplies office. Have fun working, Ryu. Ahahahaha"

"Yes, you too, Kuki."

The vice president went to the 3rd floor while Ryu was left in the room where he will start his work. He peeked through the opened door and saw someone inside. She must be the girl that Kuki was talking about, he said to himself. He went in and introduced himself.

"Hello, my name is Riyurie Ryu, I'll also be working here with you, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you."

Silence filled the room.

Wait that's it? Ryu said to himself. She didn't even introduce herself. Well, I guess this will do. My main objective in helping is observing people. There's going to be only one subject in my sight the whole time so I guess I don't need to interact with her. I can easily observe one subject given my time.

The two worked in the room for hours until Ryu couldn't take the silence anymore. He realized that it was so hard to observe someone if you don't know how she feels.

"Say, why did you choose to volunteer in doing this."

"How about you, why did you volunteer?"

"I want to observe people's actions on doing something that would literally take their freedom away from enjoying their holiday."

"Aren't you referring to yourself? Someone who is totally wasting their time on such a pointless matter."

Although she had a good point, Ryu doesn't want to back down from his stand. You could say it was pride from someone who agreed to dedicate his holiday to stimulating his human nature, which is, the quest for meaning.

"I get your point that it is somewhat pointless but, isn't someone like you here cause you don't have anything better to do. I'm pretty sure that you also got bored at home so you decided to just help in, am I right?"

Ryu got a bit cocky. He doesn't even know who she is and yet he is acting like they already know each other. Maybe she gave off a vibe that is compatible with his own and that's why it just felt normal to converse like this. Either way, the two seemed to be going well.

"Well, yes, I really don't have anything to do that's why I am here. Got a problem with that?"

"Uhm… no… I didn't expect to actually hit the jackpot."

And you even got a compliment from the vice pres. that you're a good girl, geez, you don't have to be so stingy. This is really contradictory, he said to himself…

"It isn't much but, I'd rather help out than do nothing at home. People often forget these small things that actually lead to something big. And also, at least with this, I have something I can do."

"I guess Kuki was right all along, you really are a good girl."

He said with a smile. His recognition of her changed dramatically with just that reply. Even something small can drive someone to live. We are all in a constant search for meaning.

He knew that she was the odd one in the group. Maybe because of her harsh nature at socializing or it's just that she is hard to deal with. She had seen her own worth in this vast plain.

At our stage where we are prone to outside influence, it is hard to find one's place. Where do I belong? Where should I go? What is my purpose? Even a degenerate would easily understand that the complex structure we call society, is crap. It's either we go along with it or be shunned by it.

Another question popped into my head. How did I even consider her as a good girl? Well, I guess that was kind of biased on my part but, maybe because it's what I want. Either way, I've already said it so I can't turn back on it.

"Tha… Thank you…"

"Don't sweat it. We are pretty much in the same boat right now anyway. Ahahah"

"By the way, Reinea Rea, that's my name."

They both looked at each other for a while and for a brief silence, they both smiled and laughed. Who knew that sorting our papers could be this fun? And just like that, the two became friends. The day ended within a flash.

"Guess I'll go home first."

"Okay bye, Rea. I'll be going to the Student Council office first before going home."

"See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow! Take care."

Rea head home first while Ryu went to the Student Council office. He went inside and Kuki talked to him.

"Yow, Ryu, so how did it go with her?"

"Go with who?"

"You know what I mean, well I've known her for quite a while now so I really do hope you get along with her."

"Oh that, I guess I can go along with her pretty fine."

"You did a pretty good job today, see you again tomorrow. 2 more days, and we are done. Maybe tomorrow's your last day if you manage to sort out everything by tomorrow. Ahahah"

"Ahahah well, I guess that would be great in a sense. Goodbye, see you tomorrow also, vice pres."

Ryu went home and as he was going back home in that afternoon he realized something. It was already late and he forgot to buy some eggs.

The next morning.

"I'll be going now, mom. I'll be late again so you don't need to cook some food for me for lunch. You can go out with dad and eat."

"Yeah, take care. You could've called me yesterday that you were going to help out at your school. Well anyway, your dad and I will also be going out later."

"Have fun you two."

"We will have fun also, don't cause some trouble okay."

"I will not, geez ahahah. Bye."

December 21, the 2nd day of my service. I really didn't think much of my purpose on why I helped yesterday. I went home right after, ate my dinner, and fell asleep. Maybe because I'm not used to working and my body was not cut out for labor.

My whole childhood, I've been a very average kid. I get along with people quite easily. I also help people when I see them in trouble. I try my best and do well with others. I've been raised pretty normal. I've got a typical family that raised me in a very old-fashioned way. Do well in your studies, be kind to people, help the ones in need, and be successful. Pretty normal right? But why did things change so much as I grew up? I got less interested in my studies. I'm still kind to people but, I also get easily annoyed when I'm being disrupted. I stopped helping people and started focusing on helping myself, finding out my own meaning.

I don't know if all these things are negative but, maybe it's just a part of growing up. That's what I want to believe. Everything changes. Maybe all of this change was necessary for my growth as a person. Growth as a person? Who am I kidding? I don't even understand one bit of myself. And why does change need to happen?

Are we really just born to be tortured by our own thoughts?

Again, there it is. My jumbled up messy mind. All these questions spur into my mind as if I was in chaos with myself. I want to focus on things but, it just keeps messing me up more and more. Suffering from something that nobody will understand, my only ally is my sane self who keeps me organized. No, not organized but, all locked up inside. Messy and tangled self. Everything is twisted.

He proceeded to the school and saw Rea at the front gate.

"Oh, you're here early, Rea."

"Well also you, you're really early."

"I guess this is how boring our winter break is, nothing much to do at home so we are pretty much early to anything. Ahahah"

The two went to the student council to say hi to the president and vice president but, they weren't there.

"Excuse us, good morning president… wait…"

"Oh I'm sorry, the president and vice president are in the gym."

"Is that so, well I guess we have no choice but to go there, Rea."

"Wait, why are we going there, Ryu?"

"To greet them good morning, what else!"

He seemed quite energetic. It was just a 3-day job so he at least wanted to etch it into his memories."By the way, who are you?"

"Oh, I guess I'm not that famous. I don't go out and talk to people that much. I'm the secretary of the student council, my name is Hachi Atchee. Pretty weird name right?"

"Well I wouldn't call it weird but, it's quite unique on its own."

"Thank you."

"We will be going then."

"Bye."

The two went to the gym. They saw Ray and Kuki on the stage.

"What are you two doing there?"

"Oh, you're here early, you two."

"Well, we don't have much to do at home that's why."

"Same for me."

"Well, that's good. Since you two are almost done with the paper sorting, I'm going to give you both something else to do."

The president got off from the stage and told them what they are going to do next right after they finish the last papers to sort.

"See all those gym equipment there in the storage? You are going to move all those to the storage outside the school. All of it is kind of old so the school is going to sell it to a second-hand dealer shop and buy new ones. There are a lot so we will help you out in the afternoon later after we are done."

"Okay! I'm getting fired up. Hehehe"

"You really are quite energetic when it comes to these things, Ryu." The vice pres said in response.

"Well I don't often do these kinds of stuff, I usually shut myself in my room and just waste my time playing. This will also give me time to freshen up a bit this coming Christmas."

In response, Rea smiled at me. She looked ready to do all these things so we head back to sorting the papers so we could start by moving this gym equipment later.

As we were heading back, Rea asked me something.

"Do you have an end goal?"

"What a weird question that is?"

"Well do you?"

"Hmm, let me think."

What is this question? Vague and yet I can understand its meaning. End goal. Something that you want to achieve and not at the same time. We feel relieved at happy moments and wish that these moments wouldn't end but, we also feel relieved from the end of things, things like suffering. Is our quest for meaning really just a sham? End and Goal. Both are found in the last part of a journey and yet both are different. End is to cease and Goal is the reason why we continue.

So what is my End Goal?

"I guess I'll leave that up to your imagination. Hehehe"

I said that for, I can't think of any. I don't even know my reason and my purpose, what I should be doing right now and in the future.

"I see, do you want to know what mine is?"

"Well yes, if you want to tell me."

"I'll also leave that to your imagination."

"Ehhhhh…"

"Heheheh."

"By the way, I also have a question."

"What is it?"

"I'll ask you when we get back to the room."

They finally were back in the room. They started sorting out what was left of the papers.

I think this is a good chance to ask her about what I'm currently wanting to know the answer to. Even if she does not answer me, it's still considered an answer.

"So what's this question that you wanted to ask?"

"Well, what does 'being true to yourself mean to you? Are you being true to yourself?"

"True to myself and to others. Interactions for us humans play a big role in whether we are going to be true or not. Don't you think so too?"

"Well, I guess our development as a person is influenced strongly by outside interactions thus, being true to oneself or not will also be affected."

"If I am being true to myself right now, I would not even try to strengthen my answer by seeking your approval. There will never be a doubt in me if I am being true. I believe that no person in this world is true to oneself. If there is one, there's no way that he could've survived living a happy life in this world full of lies and deception. The moment that he couldn't hold on to hope any longer, the despair will eat him. Then the cycle repeats."

"Is that how you perceive this world?"

I paused for a while looking at her serious face. I didn't think that she would answer me so seriously. I almost forgot that I wasn't the only person in this world. Everyone is suffering from something. No matter how hard people try to hide it, at some point, it will always show up. Just like how I lose myself sometimes in my own thoughts, this girl is also struggling to keep her composure.

"Ahahaha, I think you're overestimating my answer too much. If you want to be true to yourself then just put your trust into something, it may be temporary but, it will surely help."

"What do you mean by putting your trust into something?"

"Hmmm, you really are thick-headed, Uhm… for example… can I count on you to save me when the time comes?"

"I don't really get it but, of course, we're friends right? But what does that have to do with being true to yourself."

"You'll get it when the time comes. Ahahah"

The two finished sorting out the papers just before lunchtime. They both grabbed something to eat in the cafeteria.

"I'm surprised that the cafeteria is still open at this time."

"Well maybe because there are still teachers and some students here who spend their time so they decided to not close it until everything's finished."

"Makes sense."

The two finished their lunch and headed to the gym. They saw Kuki and Ray already carrying some stuff.

"You two are already done with what you were doing? That was fast. Have you two eaten yet?"

"Well, we were eating some cookies prepared by Atchee earlier so we are already full and ready."

"Oh, Atchee."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've met him earlier."

"Yes, we did. We didn't know that he was good at baking."

"He is really good at baking. I'll give you some of his pastries next time."

"Well let's start moving these things so we can finish earlier."

"Roger that."

"Ahahaha"

"ahahaha"

They moved them one by one. Other stuff could be carried by one person alone but, the others required all of them to move. It took them a full 2 hours just to finish carrying ¾ of the whole storage. The president and Rea went to the faculty room to help take care of some stuff. Kuki and Ryu were left behind to finish the job of carrying the stuff.

"Ryu, how are you with Rea?"

"As I said before, I'm fine with her. We talk to each other normally."

"Good. Just seeing her earlier, it's good that she has someone to talk to."

"What do you mean by that? Earlier when I talked to her we got into a serious talk. It's like she's hiding something that is stressing her."

"Listen to me. I'll tell you everything I know about her. I've known her all her life. I treat her like my little sister and likewise, she treats me like her older sister."

"Okay."

I prepared myself for the worst. I swallowed in a big gulp and listened intently.

"It all happened when she was 12 years old. Both her parents were caught up in a car accident. Her father died just before he was about to be delivered to the hospital for treatment. Her mother survived but, is getting constant medication in the hospital. It's already been 5 years and her mother is still unconscious up to this very day. Her father's death and her mother being hospitalized made her devastated."

"How, how do you know all of these things?"

"I'm her cousin. Although she doesn't smile much, I do hope that by meeting you she can at least have a reason to smile."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's okay. You said I was cheerful and bright but, no matter how hard I tried, I can't make her smile the way you did. Earlier when we were all carrying stuff, even though she was tired, when she was talking with you, she looked so happy that I almost burst into tears just seeing it."

"All I did was converse with her like a normal person would."

"She is not good at opening up to people so maybe your valiant push made her open up to you, even just a bit. I do hope you keep supporting her all the way."

She smiled at me. A big smile that was full of sincerity. I know that I'm still in the process of finding a meaning for my own but, if I can be the reason for her to keep striving, then I guess I can take up that responsibility.

We humans need support from one another. No person can live alone. He may try but a time will come when he will still seek comfort from another. I know because I thought that I can hold on to the belief of it's okay to be alone but, even the word "Alone" dictates that, there is just nobody present. When there is someone present, the human nature will always be affected and will try its best to close the gap within that person. May it be through peaceful or harmful means, either way, the root is still the same.

The two finished their talk and began to wrap things up.

The two finished carrying all the other stuff that was left and head to the faculty room to meet up with the president and Rea.

"Wow, you two are quick. Well, we are also almost finished here so you can wait for us in the Student Council office."

"Okay, pres. will wait for you two there."

Kuki and Ryu went back to the student council office.

"Oh, you two are back, wait I'll prepare you guys some tea and some sweets to eat."

"Thanks as always Atchee."

The two enjoyed their well-deserved break and the sweets that Atchee baked.

"Wow, you really are good at baking, Atchee."

"Didn't we tell you, Ahahaha. Atchee's sweets are the best in the world."

"You're exaggerating it a bit, Kuki."

"Hehehe, I'm not."

"Well if I were to guess, these really are top-tier sweets."

"See, even Ryu approves that you are a world-class bakist!"

"What even the heck is a bakist!"

"Ahahah."

"Ahahahah."

Just as when they are enjoying their time the president and Rea came back.

"That took quite a while. Hey, leave some for us."

"We will pres. ahahahah"

"Are these the ones you two were talking about?"

"Yes, taste it."

"Wow, it's so good!"

"World's greatest bakist!"

"I told you, what even the heck is a bakist!!!"

"Ahahaha."

"Ahahahahah."

"Ahahaha."

They all enjoyed their time in the student council. They finished eating and all said goodbye to each other.

"Well we finished everything today so I guess you will all be dismissed today. You all don't need to come back here to the school tomorrow to work but, you still need to come to the party, okay. There will be a party to celebrate each and everyone's effort at helping out. Be sure to come."

"Yes, we will definitely come."

"Okay."

"Yes, Roger!"

All of them went home happily.

I guess this winter break isn't boring after all.