1 Chapter 1

Sitting on the left side of my bed thinking and thinking nonstop trying to understand why everything that happens is not always good, before I start let me tell you my story.

It all started in June it was when I started cutting myself and joined tumblr. life was hell and my sister find out and instead of caring for me and my scream of help she joined tumblr too and tried to copy  me, when I found out, I told my dad because I love my sister and she needed help, the help I was looking for she was getting but it was okay she is my sister after all. I will never forget that night, my sister getting into the room and telling me with tears in her eyes: I'm sorry. In that moment I knew something was wrong and she showed me both of her arms and I started crying cause it was my sister and I just felt so stupid for not realizing that she was not okay, I told her I had to tell someone and she cried more and more telling not to that she has going to. But I couldn't believe that, after all she has hurt, in that moment all I could think of was that it was all my fault if I just had been more careful and keep everything to myself maybe we would've been in that situation but I can't change the past after all, when my dad finally came home and told him and I could look into his eyes and see that his heart was more than broken after that day I was never the same, any of us was the same, nothing was ever going to be the same.

Two days passed and she started going with a doctor and me too because we all went through something awful, she didn't like it, actually nobody did.

After that I wanted to change so I decided I was a bit fat so I would loose some weight. After that it just wasn't a diet not eating for two or three days and loving the felling of hunger and my hands shaking.

Calories, calories, calories that is all I could think of.

Life was not good but at least I lost weight 10 pounds at first but I'm still anorexic and I want to keep dropping the pounds on the scale, hating myself so much. July 2 first time I purged it was so messy and hard, all the coughing and my nails scratching my throat, my eyes crying but after more than a 1000 tries I finally did it. It hasn't get any better but I'll live.

Then time passed and now I have a bigger question I don't know who I am. I don't know what to like, what to say, what to think.